Dad, MIL & Christmas.

[Boyicantwait2beamumagain]

Sorry everyone but it's a Christmas thread just looking for some opinions, advice and suggestions really. Don't

Dh and I have a 2 year old dd and I am currently 18 weeks pregnant with DC2.

Since July MIL has been dropping Christmas into conversation I suspect in the hopes of pinning me and dh down. After last Christmas mil told me her and her dp would be spending it going away together but all that's changed and it seems as though she is spending it at her house with her dp along with bil and sil who will travel down. Bil and sil do not have any children at the moment through choice.

On dds first christmas 2 years ago we split the day between my dad and mil it was a total disaster as from the minute we arrived at my dad's house we were bombarded with texts and calls demanding us round to mils we really didnt enjoy the day at all.

Last year we the three of us spent Christmas just the 3 of us at home in our pjs I cooked a roast and we watched Christmas movies all day it was perfect absolutely loved that day.

Dad wasn't bothered he didn't drag us around as kids and didn't expect a visit he spent the day with my db who is disabled and lives with him and my uncle who lives alone. My mum died 5 years ago very suddenly my dad has never really gotten over it and as a result suffers a lot with anxiety.

Mil wasn't happy but mostly kept her opinions to herself but was sure to get a few comments in during the lead up to Christmas mostly blaming bil saying he just loves it when the family all get together and how he would love to see his neice on Christmas day seeing as he had travelled to be there. I said to mil while I did understand bil had come along way neither dh or I asked him to, he rarely talks to us the rest of the year and when he and sil have children of their own they probably would want to spend Christmas day privately with their children. It wasn't liked but that was the end of it they did their thing and we did ours. Dh has never been one for family get togethers we are private people.

So now the Christmas discussions have started again and me and dh already decided last Christmas that the private at home Christmas would be our thing from now on. (We see everyone else regularly atleast once a week apart from bil who doesn't live locally but also rarely responds to our texts) that our relatives could go 1 day of the year without seeing us.

Thing is each time it's mentioned by mil it's only herself she is concerned about us seeing and tries to pin us down to plans which take the whole day I've been quite firm and told mil no we want the day just the 3 of us but I did point out that if anyone was in need of visitors on christmas day it was actually my dad who lives with my db who has severe asd and who finds Christmas very difficult and sad since losing my mum. Mil will have her dp, her son and his wife already. Dh agreed with me totally and actually said he wouldn't mind spending some time on Christmas day with my dad. I've said I dont feel it is fair on mil but also as well as the guilt factor I will be heavily pregnant and if my last pregnancy is anything to go by probably won't be feeling my best (I ended up in hospital a few times with dd)

This isnt a mil bashing thread we get on really well just find sometimes she can be a little intrusive and when it comes to occasions and holidays tends to think of only what she and bil want to happen instead of taking everyone else into consideration.

Wibu to stick to my guns and say no we are having Christmas day just the 3 of us we will spend Christmas eve with 1 of them and boxing day with the other? If I had a bigger place I would invite everyone up to ours christmas day night but truth is none of our houses are big enough to host all those people plus this year in particular I think I'd struggle just because of the pregnancy.

As I say my dad is totally fine with it he said we need to make our own traditions as a family and he respects that he believes Christmas is a day for the kids to open and play with their presents in their pjs. Me and Dh were both brought up in this way so I'm not sure why mil is pushing us so hard to spend the day at hers.

I totally understand that one day I will be my mil in this scenario and honestly I'm okay with it. I want my kids to grow up and do what they want to do on those special days if that doesn't include me and Dh that is totally fine I'm happy at the idea of Christmas alone with dh.

I would play the pregnancy card heavily: I've given birth in Jan & Feb (obviously on different years), & hated doing Xmas whilst heavily pregnant, plus I could only eat a side plate size of Xmas dinner. Next year you can think again.

Plenty of very judgmental people on here. Just because you like to do Christmas a certain way it doesn’t mean other people are wrong in their choices.

The OP has clearly said she sees and speaks to her MiL regularly and her own father is fine. Surely being heavily pregnant she gets a pass on plans this year?

Surely the husband can speak to his own mother and get her to back off? Haven’t spotted any mention of that.

Oh yeah dad is abolutely fine as he says he would rather have a FaceTime of dd playing with her toys in front of her christmas tree in her pjs then see her dragged around his house where there's less for her to do he. He loves his boys day with my brother and uncle. Mil is being play about it it's just been mentioned a few times now and I really dont want to feel pressured into doing what bil wants. I have been sure to arrange lots of great stuff in the run up to Christmas with both dad and mil shopping trips, theatre performances, Christmas light switch on and family christmas movie night.

I dont think the big family christmas is a bad thing I do get why people do it I just love the idea of it more then the reality and I just dont think it suits my circumstances this year. Im not saying never.

I can understand how time on your own as a family would be nice, and I like the idea of it. That said I wouldn’t dream of it as my mum passed away 2 years ago and I would never not invite my dad.
My inlaws also tend to come and stay at Christmas and my brother is divorced so comes for dinner too. It’s hectic and busy, and sometimes I’d like a bit of peace, but I realise my dad and inlaws are older and enjoy spending with us and my children, and since my mum has passed away, I realise no one is here forever. It can be difficult juggling everyone, I know.

The best Christmases I've had have been with a few friends and completely non Christmassy (apart from glorious food). Unfortunately for me DH is all about the Christmas and his family have strong traditions that he would be really upset not to be a part of. So I go along with it, I also go along with my family although they are not so much about traditions and we swap each year (one set on Xmas day, one of boxing day).
I do put my foot down with some things though - we did the swap halfway through the day when child was born, never again! No one was acting like you've described but it was still v stressful. *
I'm just not a Christmas person so I find it all a bit silly. I shouldn't have married a Christmas person , thats my fault and will have deal with it

As a kid who was dragged backwards & forwards between both sets of grandparents' houses for xmas i much preferred staying at home when we got to do it! Not spending xmas day with extended family won't somehow lessen the bond the kids have with them ffs.

missperegrinespeculiar... I totally know where you are coming from !! I just don't get the whole "little family * .. isolation thing at Christmas .. My DP drives for miles to get his mum and her partner , my dad is there, my sister, her kids , my kids, any friends who fancy coming !! .... and I can't believe people wear pyjamas !!! .... it's a day to glam up .. have some fun with everyone!

As I say if any single one of them where left on their own or it was just 2 of them I would insist they came to us id even pay for taxis or ferry them myself. I dont mind the idea of Christmas on my tod but I would never expect anyone else to have to do it but at the moment that is all we would have the extra space for if dh and i were lucky enough to have a bigger place and I could fit everyone I would invite all them over and happily cook and host them and nobody is banished from our house on Christmas day their all welcome to pop in for an hour or so if they want to but dad doesnt like to drag my brother out as it upsets him and mil and her lot like to have a couple drinks on Christmas as they have no children running around so they can't come here as none of them are able to drive they have always had the offer though of coming over either in the morning or afternoon after lunch. It just seems unfair that we are the one with children but we are the ones expected to do all the running around by dh family then dd gets overwhelmed and upset and dh and i are left to pick the pieces up as none of them want to know when she is having a tantrum or crying. It does make me cross that the alcohol comes before dd but yet they act upset over not seeing her. I haven't got a big enough car to ferry everyone but also I shouldn't have to keep popping out to ferry people to our house for an hour and then back home again either. Secretly I would love to see my dad not because I favour him as much but we are much closer to him as a family so that's including my dh and dd I feel more relaxed around him of course I do he is my dad and because of my brothers learning difficulties he gets really excited about Christmas in the same sort of way a child would and I just love seeing his face on the day im not trying to sound patronising there but I just adore my dad and my brother so much but that's not to say I dont love mil aswell because I do.

You are quite hilarious ! .. in the real world most adults choose alcohol over toddlers having tantrums !!! .. you are really getting your knickers in a knot over Xmas at the beginning of September!!! ... RELAX

YANBU OP. All the people telling you you’re being selfish and insular seem to have missed your husband preferring not to spend Christmas with his mother. She’s his family, he gets a say too. You’re no more obligated to include her than he is because you’re a woman and he’s the one with limited time off, a toddler and a pregnant wife he’ll want to take the pressure off.

Alicatz I know it's ridiculous isn't it! I wouldn't usually start thinking about Christmas until about 2 weeks before apart from Christmas shopping but the demands and pressure have started earlier then usual this year so it's really got me thinking plus I'm a little more worried about it this year as I have my dd and il also be heavily pregnant.. during my pregnancy with dd I ended up in hospital quite a few times at a week at a time so I'm actually getting worried same could happen this time and I could end up in hospital over Christmas without Dh or dd.

Again not a drip feed but worth mentioning.. last year on Christmas eve I had to go to hospital as I had suffered a miscarriage approx 4 days before that hadnt completed I was really very ill at the time and in quite a lot of pain. Dh and I although very upset had come to terms with the miscarriage but also had been kind of expecting it as I've had 8 in the last 3 years and only 1 pregnancy resulting in an actual live birth. We just sort of feel that we need to try and keep stress to a minimum. My pregnancy is high risk everyone but mil seems to understand this I think mil thinks I'm some kind of superwoman sometimes. I did get the Impression she was pushing for me to end up in hospital last year and wasted no time in telling dh that he and dd would be spending Christmas day with them and that her and her dp would go and bag up all dds presents from our house and take them to their house for dd to open in the morning.. all this was said in front of me and I'm sorry but as a mother it was pretty heart breaking I sort of felt like I didn't matter at all at the time maybe selfish on my part but it hurt a lot.

Luckily I didn't end up In hospital as the surgeon said they couldn't do anything until the day after boxing day unless it was an emergency so i was booked In for a d&c then. Me and dh stuck to our plans and it was extra special because at that point I was coming to terms with the idea that I may not be having any more children so i was concentrating on my dd and focused all my energy into that maybe I forced it a bit but the day just felt really special and without getting all soppy there was so much love in our home that day a few tears but it was private no having to paint any false smile on.

Agree your plan is best. YANBU.

I would be perfectly happy if I were mum or in-law if you fancied day on your own. You can see them another day. You are the family unit now. Concentrate on having a good time with them

Been with my husband 20yrs (married 10) now have DD5 for the first 10-12 yrs always had xmas on our own. Then sil started coming xmas eve until day after boxing day no problem at all love her to pieces and in last few years she has been able to spend quality time with her Niece too. IL’s Mil and fil are 70 and 73 normally go out for xmas lunch last year no car so dh invited them to us, sil picked them up at 11 taxi took them home at 4! Not too bad considering we had 1hr in local dh and I then finished dinner off had xmas dinner cup of tea etc finished with half hour to spare before taxi came.! Not my perfect idea of xmas but I know without even having the conversation with ILs that the same will be happening this year! My dh says its nice for mil and fil to spend time with dd and while I do agree I think “but they do see her every week” and “they do have her to stay over” so have more one to one time with her than sil! I suppose what I am saying OP is do what suites you for as long as possible as once you set a presedence of mil and her dp coming you wont be able to change it without upsetting them. 🎄🎁

Hi OP,

Xmas is quite difficult to keep everyone happy at times.

I just wanted to say though, when I was little we spent a lot of xmas days with my grandparents. They were my favourites. But this would depend on the type of relationship your children have with their GPs!

Also they lived quite near (I know some people have to travel a lot and being stuck in a car for ages for little kids probably isn't great).

How about inviting them over to you on xmas eve? I know my DCs are always so excited with the anticipation and that's just as nice as Xmas day for us. Reading the night before Xmas etc...

I have to say though, I'm pregnant this year and I'm sure we'll get lots of invites next year because of having a baby etc... it'll be interesting. Although at least I won't have to cook!

Ffs op she sounds fucking hideous.

Op.

Tell her or get dh to tell her to stop having a drink if she wants to see dc as she will need to drive.

Ignore and pop and see your dad at some point!! Just surprise him for an hour.

It really worries me in future dh and I who plan on being the best gp ever will suffer penalising because of selfish in laws...
It's not fair it's the un fairest thing yiu can do out all these scenarios to miss dad out.... Due to unbelievably selfish horrid Mil!!

Yiu have enough stress op.
Draw your line in the sand. Tell dh to tell anyone who wants to put more stress on you to f off.

Do your own thing and don't worry about this nasty woman.

Morethen.. I know on paper she doesn't sound great does she but the truth is in reality she's actually a really nice well meaning woman. She spends time with me on my own often pops over of an evening for movie night even when she knows dgd is in bed and dh is at work and does all that so i dont have to sit on my own.

Maybe the hospital situation was clouded a little because of my fear and upset at the time I genuinely just dont think she gave it a thought maybe she just didn't want me to to think dh and dd would have to spend the day alone missing me I dont know i dont think should could of done right from wrong that day because equally I would of been angry if she hadn't offered him in that situation.

I think I'm going to stick to my guns and say no to treking around people are welcome here no problem as long as it's before or after our meal time and as long as they aren't expecting me up and down like a yoyo fetching drinks and snacks. Dh wouldn't head of it anyway he would demand i sat down and he would get up and host everyone the only thing I'm quite precious over is the Xmas dinner! No way is he cooking that!

Put some drinks and snacks out and tell them to help themselves

Yes I could do that actually good idea. They won't come anyway because it's not on their terms. Having to drag out and up to ours will interfere with their day and their plans.

My gp did the most amazing thing every year...we had Christmas at there's a week early so that Christmas itself was just us at home. I've done it on rotation and its horrible. Perhaps suggest to MIL that you'll do weekend before or Boxing Day instead.

After what you have said about your health you should stay put and your extended family should blummin fit in, pop in, see you day before or after and shut up.

Good luck Op

My dad lost his wife/my mum in 2000 and even though my other half doesn’t particularly like my dad he is still invited for Christmas dinner. There’s no way on earth I’d leave him out on Christmas Day. I’m not particularly Christian but to me it’s a day about family, like them or loathe them, they should be there. My brother can’t/won’t host my dad so I do. When my mum was alive he used to do alternate Christmas’s with the parents. Ultimately do as you feel fit but to me I’d suck it up and choose one side of the family this year and swap next year.

In cases like these, I think bugger fairness. It's not fair that your db is disabled, it's not fair that your mother died and that your dad hasn't really got over it. So, if you're doing visits at all then yes, your dad is far more deserving of a visit and needs it more.

I tried to do the 'fair' thing when dd was born, only because mil was ghastly and checked every day whether mum was round or we were visiting her. "Has your mother seen dd today? How long was that for?". Every day.

She wasn't fit to look after and baby, or even a toddler, so I wouldn't allow dd to stay over night with her (she'd forget to feed her, or give her half a biscuit instead of lunch, etc). By being 'fair' and avoiding hte appalling questioning, my mother wasn't able to have dd for overnights either, even though she wanted to. I was terribly ill for years after pg and birth, until dd was about 4 actually, and it would have made a big difference if I'd been able to just have a bit more help from mum but couldn't, because I couldn't cope iwth mil's constant questioning and the determination that I should be 'fair'.

Forget fair.