Dad, MIL & Christmas.

[Boyicantwait2beamumagain]

Sorry everyone but it's a Christmas thread just looking for some opinions, advice and suggestions really. Don't

Dh and I have a 2 year old dd and I am currently 18 weeks pregnant with DC2.

Since July MIL has been dropping Christmas into conversation I suspect in the hopes of pinning me and dh down. After last Christmas mil told me her and her dp would be spending it going away together but all that's changed and it seems as though she is spending it at her house with her dp along with bil and sil who will travel down. Bil and sil do not have any children at the moment through choice.

On dds first christmas 2 years ago we split the day between my dad and mil it was a total disaster as from the minute we arrived at my dad's house we were bombarded with texts and calls demanding us round to mils we really didnt enjoy the day at all.

Last year we the three of us spent Christmas just the 3 of us at home in our pjs I cooked a roast and we watched Christmas movies all day it was perfect absolutely loved that day.

Dad wasn't bothered he didn't drag us around as kids and didn't expect a visit he spent the day with my db who is disabled and lives with him and my uncle who lives alone. My mum died 5 years ago very suddenly my dad has never really gotten over it and as a result suffers a lot with anxiety.

Mil wasn't happy but mostly kept her opinions to herself but was sure to get a few comments in during the lead up to Christmas mostly blaming bil saying he just loves it when the family all get together and how he would love to see his neice on Christmas day seeing as he had travelled to be there. I said to mil while I did understand bil had come along way neither dh or I asked him to, he rarely talks to us the rest of the year and when he and sil have children of their own they probably would want to spend Christmas day privately with their children. It wasn't liked but that was the end of it they did their thing and we did ours. Dh has never been one for family get togethers we are private people.

So now the Christmas discussions have started again and me and dh already decided last Christmas that the private at home Christmas would be our thing from now on. (We see everyone else regularly atleast once a week apart from bil who doesn't live locally but also rarely responds to our texts) that our relatives could go 1 day of the year without seeing us.

Thing is each time it's mentioned by mil it's only herself she is concerned about us seeing and tries to pin us down to plans which take the whole day I've been quite firm and told mil no we want the day just the 3 of us but I did point out that if anyone was in need of visitors on christmas day it was actually my dad who lives with my db who has severe asd and who finds Christmas very difficult and sad since losing my mum. Mil will have her dp, her son and his wife already. Dh agreed with me totally and actually said he wouldn't mind spending some time on Christmas day with my dad. I've said I dont feel it is fair on mil but also as well as the guilt factor I will be heavily pregnant and if my last pregnancy is anything to go by probably won't be feeling my best (I ended up in hospital a few times with dd)

This isnt a mil bashing thread we get on really well just find sometimes she can be a little intrusive and when it comes to occasions and holidays tends to think of only what she and bil want to happen instead of taking everyone else into consideration.

Wibu to stick to my guns and say no we are having Christmas day just the 3 of us we will spend Christmas eve with 1 of them and boxing day with the other? If I had a bigger place I would invite everyone up to ours christmas day night but truth is none of our houses are big enough to host all those people plus this year in particular I think I'd struggle just because of the pregnancy.

As I say my dad is totally fine with it he said we need to make our own traditions as a family and he respects that he believes Christmas is a day for the kids to open and play with their presents in their pjs. Me and Dh were both brought up in this way so I'm not sure why mil is pushing us so hard to spend the day at hers.

I totally understand that one day I will be my mil in this scenario and honestly I'm okay with it. I want my kids to grow up and do what they want to do on those special days if that doesn't include me and Dh that is totally fine I'm happy at the idea of Christmas alone with dh.

I am quite shocked about all this "Christmas is for extended family " That's how you guarantee everyone has a rubbish time

Only if you don't like your family! I'm shocked by the insular and anti-social "don't want to see any family at xmas" people.

But isn't that the rub.
People you want to spend time with, you will spend time with hence millions of people doing just that.

It's the people with strenuous situations who dread it, aren't the ones coming in here wondering what to do?

If dh and I got on with in laws there would be no issue ideally I love busy family Xmas ws. In fact my heart aches when people write about Xmas traditions and huge family buffets etc. All going to the pub and walks and tons of cousins playing. I'd love that. Even with a few issues thrown on that would be expected and bearable.

Personally we have tried with in laws, us to them. Dire. No conversation. Every ounce of joy sucked out. Boring, repressed shite. Them to us... Wouldn't eat or drink a thing, sat in one corner of the room as a gang.. Refused all efforts to get them to mingle.
Presents all wrapped up in mils ego... If your in favour something nice, if not something awful...

No consistency of gifts for dc.. One gets something the other ignored

So I guess people Could say it's insular and small minded that we cannot do in laws any more it ruined the whole Xmas, the dread of it... It... The after effects... Awful.

Do what you like but please explain why staying in your PJs all day is a good thing?

We once had a private Christmas - spent three days in Pjs eating and watching videos and loved it. But I do buy into the concept that Christmas is about extended family so I will not plan to do this again. Christmas is made extra special with small children as they see it through different eyes - so I personally would not deny grandparents the chance to see the little ones on Christmas Day.

I don't get the need to go insular nuclear family at Christmas, seems somewhat precious. Why can't Boxing Day and the gorgeous lull days inbetween Xmas and NY cant be the day spent in pjs.

It is not unreasonable for your MIL to want to see you and especially your GC on Christmas Day. If they live nearby have a quiet little morning and head over for (hopefully) late lunch. Think of it as your present to her.

^NB the above only applies if the ils are nice and you get on, if they are nightmare that's different

YRNBU.
Put down your own traditions, you kids won’t be kids for long. Enjoy it.
Your mil has your bil and sil.
See your dad if you want too.

And my mil always insists on coming on birthdays and Christmas and it drives me mad. I want to do our own this on Christmas and birthdays but I have to wait around for her. Las5 year we went to my dads on Boxing Day as he recently lost his wife and lost my mum 12 years ago and my disabled brother almost 15 years ago.
My mil came with us and was a disaster. She talked about her self constantly and kept looking at her watch when the food had gone! I was so annoyed.

See your dad xmas eve and your mil on boxing day, so she can see your dd pressies.

It's fine if that's what you want to do, just don't complain when your DD wants to spend Christmas with her 'little family' and not with you, OP.

Your choice of course but as you don’t have enough space to host your mil, I would rotate, as I can understand she would want to see her small grandchildren on Christmas Day a few times during their childhood. So one year just the four of you, other years with your MIL etc.

I never left my home on Christmas Day all through my childhood, grandparents and other family members came in the evening or on Boxing Day but never all day, even my Mother's parents and she's an only child. My exH was exactly the same, and yet his parents want everyone at their house every year, despite not doing the same themselves.

I wouldn't begruge my children spending Christmas with their own family's when their older and have children I'm not a big lover of Christmas anyway and I'm quite introverted. Before I had dd I was happy to spend Christmas alone I enjoy my own company I looked at it as an excuse to knit and binge watch films and box sets. I'm not a needy person in the slightest.

This isnt just about mil its about everyone in general it's the one day off my dh will definately get. He works all over Christmas and New year so while he can do a few hours at mils or my dad's he won't get another chance around the time to sit in pjs and relax with me and Dd we rarely get any quality time just the 3 of us.

Sitting in pjs all day is great it's comfy and warm and it saves washing!

We always see my larger extended family on Christmas Eve. We have Christmas morning at home, have a big cooked breakfast and open gifts. We then see my more immediate Christmas family for afternoon presents, drinks, dinner. We usually start this at around 3, dinner at 6. I’m hosting this year which I’m very excited about even though it’s a lot of work (dinner for 15).

Honestly sitting at home alone on Christmas sounds very boring. I can’t imagine cooking the whole big dinner for just the four of us. Also I think if you’re able you should take turns hosting. I see too often grandparents who are the perennial hosts even when they are getting older and clearly finding it a lot of work!

I feel sorry for your dad, to never see his DD and DGC on Christmas day. You can have your private day on boxing day, surely? Or any of the 363 other days a year that you live alone with your DH and DC? Grandparents should be there at Christmas.

Bless your dad.

Regardless what you say, I feel sorry for your father. Popping in for an hour would make his day I bet. Considering what he been through, losing your mum...I would make the effort if it was my dad.

I just cannot see your point of view there. Sorry.

You can have your private day on boxing day

OP has said more than once that Christmas Day is DH's only definite day off.

Grandparents should be there at Christmas

In your opinion. Families differ, individuals differ. Everyone should feel able to choose what's best for their own family without being guilt tripped into doing something else.

I think id invite your MIL and BIL & SIL to you on Christmas afternoon, making it clear you'd do the big meal at lunchtime, so would at best be doing sandwiches/buffet in the evening.

If that doesn't suit, then that's fine but you won't be taking dd anywhere on Christmas day.

I think OP has already invited the ILS but they’ve declined the offer. And her DF has another relative (uncle?) and his son with him. It honestly sounds like DF is quite happy with the arrangement and content to see his daughter’s family on the Boxing day. Lot of sentimental tosh is spouted here though 🙄

Christmas is what you make out of it, I love spending the big day with just us, we have no immediate family to spend it with so no-one’s really left out. My DC are free to do whatever their wish with their Christmases in the future. I’m quite looking forward to travel and spend the Christmas somewhere abroad in the future, once DC have flown the nest.

Please stick to your guns. I have had only 1 good Christmas since I had my daughter who is 11. The reason being that we spent 1 year with only my family. The other years have been dominated by my MIL and an assortment of boyfriends, friends and other relatives we have never met. Who then take over my house complain about the kids/being hungry/ what’s on tv etc. Every year his family cause a big drama about Christmas and they aren’t Christian, my family are.
Christmas is a big deal in my family but they have always said we should spend Christmas how we want but his create a big drama unually starting in June. We end up buying all food, drink etc, cook and clear up while they just eat & drink. Never offering to contribute money or food or offer to help tidy.
Every time we suggest we would prefer having a quiet one this year all hell breaks loose. And because my husband hates any confrontation he always backs down and we end up with a house full.
But I have made it very clear that once my parents have passed away we will spend every Christmas abroad so I can escape the madness of DH’s family.
I know that no is a complete sentence etc but I can’t bear the stress saying no puts on my husband. So have to suck it up and think it’s just one day.
If I could have a Christmas just me, DH and the kids I jump at the chance.

In the run up to the Christmas you can see so many threads here about a family upset over the time divided between the ILS and DP’s. No-one is happy and the family with children is run ragged with trying to please everyone. It’s really not what Christmas is about is it?

My mil loved her family more than anything but in the last 10 years she chose to go travelling over the Christmas period with her OAP buddies. Her GC meant very much for her but I like the fact she never pushed enforced sentimental Christmas crap on us.

Have them over for morning coffee and they can see your dd with pressies etc, no need for extra effort and you get to be your own unit for the rest of the day!

Stick to your guns. I know exactly what you mean about the guilt trip you get over Christmas. It drives me nuts! Have to remind myself it’s just one day - amazes me how some relatives give it so much importance. I have vowed that when my kids are adults I will just “go with the flow “& not pressurise them.

This thread just seems like everyone thinks how they do Christmas is the ‘right’ way. Don’t get all the hate for the idea of having a very small scale family Christmas. Might not be my choice but I can see why it would suit some people.

My only advice, as someone already said, is don’t do the same thing every year - traditions are nice but inescapable rituals are hard work!