Dad, MIL & Christmas.

[Boyicantwait2beamumagain]

Sorry everyone but it's a Christmas thread just looking for some opinions, advice and suggestions really. Don't

Dh and I have a 2 year old dd and I am currently 18 weeks pregnant with DC2.

Since July MIL has been dropping Christmas into conversation I suspect in the hopes of pinning me and dh down. After last Christmas mil told me her and her dp would be spending it going away together but all that's changed and it seems as though she is spending it at her house with her dp along with bil and sil who will travel down. Bil and sil do not have any children at the moment through choice.

On dds first christmas 2 years ago we split the day between my dad and mil it was a total disaster as from the minute we arrived at my dad's house we were bombarded with texts and calls demanding us round to mils we really didnt enjoy the day at all.

Last year we the three of us spent Christmas just the 3 of us at home in our pjs I cooked a roast and we watched Christmas movies all day it was perfect absolutely loved that day.

Dad wasn't bothered he didn't drag us around as kids and didn't expect a visit he spent the day with my db who is disabled and lives with him and my uncle who lives alone. My mum died 5 years ago very suddenly my dad has never really gotten over it and as a result suffers a lot with anxiety.

Mil wasn't happy but mostly kept her opinions to herself but was sure to get a few comments in during the lead up to Christmas mostly blaming bil saying he just loves it when the family all get together and how he would love to see his neice on Christmas day seeing as he had travelled to be there. I said to mil while I did understand bil had come along way neither dh or I asked him to, he rarely talks to us the rest of the year and when he and sil have children of their own they probably would want to spend Christmas day privately with their children. It wasn't liked but that was the end of it they did their thing and we did ours. Dh has never been one for family get togethers we are private people.

So now the Christmas discussions have started again and me and dh already decided last Christmas that the private at home Christmas would be our thing from now on. (We see everyone else regularly atleast once a week apart from bil who doesn't live locally but also rarely responds to our texts) that our relatives could go 1 day of the year without seeing us.

Thing is each time it's mentioned by mil it's only herself she is concerned about us seeing and tries to pin us down to plans which take the whole day I've been quite firm and told mil no we want the day just the 3 of us but I did point out that if anyone was in need of visitors on christmas day it was actually my dad who lives with my db who has severe asd and who finds Christmas very difficult and sad since losing my mum. Mil will have her dp, her son and his wife already. Dh agreed with me totally and actually said he wouldn't mind spending some time on Christmas day with my dad. I've said I dont feel it is fair on mil but also as well as the guilt factor I will be heavily pregnant and if my last pregnancy is anything to go by probably won't be feeling my best (I ended up in hospital a few times with dd)

This isnt a mil bashing thread we get on really well just find sometimes she can be a little intrusive and when it comes to occasions and holidays tends to think of only what she and bil want to happen instead of taking everyone else into consideration.

Wibu to stick to my guns and say no we are having Christmas day just the 3 of us we will spend Christmas eve with 1 of them and boxing day with the other? If I had a bigger place I would invite everyone up to ours christmas day night but truth is none of our houses are big enough to host all those people plus this year in particular I think I'd struggle just because of the pregnancy.

As I say my dad is totally fine with it he said we need to make our own traditions as a family and he respects that he believes Christmas is a day for the kids to open and play with their presents in their pjs. Me and Dh were both brought up in this way so I'm not sure why mil is pushing us so hard to spend the day at hers.

I totally understand that one day I will be my mil in this scenario and honestly I'm okay with it. I want my kids to grow up and do what they want to do on those special days if that doesn't include me and Dh that is totally fine I'm happy at the idea of Christmas alone with dh.

as from the minute we arrived at my dad's house we were bombarded with texts and calls demanding us round to mils

This is most breathtakingly rude and self absorbed behaviour. Turn the phone off.
Any demands as to why you didn't answer the phone to her "we were spending time with my Dad, at Christmas, as you knew and you knew what time we were coming over to see you"

Keep your Christmas Day special for you and your child/ren - as someone who was dragged away from Father Christmas stocking gifts to visit extended family on Christmas Day it was very disappointing not to be able to play with my new toys immediately!

YANBU. Stick to your guns.

We love Christmas at home, just the two of us. We can drink and eat just what we like, when we like, watch what we like on tv, lie on the sofas after lunch and vent the post-sprout farts (sprarts) and no-one minds iif we fall asleep after one sticky too many.

If we had a big enough house, we'd invite the family, but there's 18 of them if they all come, so rather than be selective and risk giving offence, we don't ask anyone!

Perhaps if it was a few years down the line I’d suggest a rota type of set up where you alternated years at family members’ houses.

However you’ll be heavily pregnant, with a toddler, so it shouldn’t be a case of having to haul yourself about everywhere just so MIL can convince herself by having all family members in one place that you’re a close family!

Plus given your dad and DBs circumstance I’d perhaps consider visiting them for an hour or so on Xmas morning if it isn’t too far to travel, maybe a breakfast together or even just a cuppa.

As for Boxing Day, don’t cave into demands to set off at 8am etc to get to MILs as early as possible as this will likely sit heavily on your mind Xmas day. They’ve got to appreciate you want to relax this year. Doesn’t need to be set in stone forever, but this year everyone needs it.

Before having kids XH and i used to drive about trying to please both sets of family.

Once i had kids i stayed put at home on xmas day and made sure everyone knew visitors were always welcome but we were going nowhere. When the house was too small for hosting the meal they were still welcome to come round.

I was never driven round the countryside on xmas day and i won't do it to my kids.

Xmas eve and the day after boxing day are still the only days i'll do visiting.

I'm going to be honest I've never heard of the private Christmas thing in real life only on here everyone I know spends christmas with family loads of people Me included stay at home but have visitors and we live in a flat so probably smaller than yours. That said we don't tend to see my in-laws as they don't like to come out so we see them another day but my family comes to us and it's lovley obviously this isn't for everyone and maybe it's partly down to area you are from and family / friends norms but I can't imagine not allowing my family to see my child on Christmas. I also have to say I do feel a bit bad for your dad I the situation but if you believe he is generally fine with it and doesn't mind then I think really you can do whatever you please if you and your husband agree and generally feel it's the right thing for you then go ahead but if you are unsure have you considered having your pj and movie day on Christmas eve or boxing day?

We always had small Christmases growing up, we always had DGF to stay though. The big extended family event was boxing day. My husband on the other hand is used to the big family event and doesn't like the small one.

So many people spend Christmas with people they would rather not. Of all the days of the year you want a nice day, why should you be pressured into spending it with toxic me me me asshats?
This is the year to set the precedent. Have the Christmas you want. Eventually she will come to realise that despite her endless moaning you are going to do what you want and she will back off. Do what you want.

It's just not possible for everyone to see everyone else on xmas day every year. And these three/four year rotas some people have are tedious in the extreme and not for me. Once you've got kids and THEY'VE got kids it starts to become unreasonable to expect to clap eyes on each and every one of them on the big day. It's just life and logistics.

Even after their kids were all grown up my XInlaws wouldn't leave their house on xmas day and fair enough. BUT they got the right hump because i felt the same. They wanted everyone to troupe round to their house every year. Sorry, nope.

We will be doing our own Christmas this year. My DH has to work Christmas Eve and the day after Boxing Day so we can't travel back in time from the inlaws (there is no public transport home on Boxing Day here). My mother travels to her boyfriend's house and my father works as he hates Christmas, so we never spend it with my side. I know his family are upset, but there isn't much we can do as neither of us drive and they won't come to us.

I think in your case I would alternate maybe having each side over to yours for Christmas tea or something similar. That way, they get to see you, but you still have the nice parts of the day together. I remember being dragged around at Christmas as a child and I hated every second of it. I ended up exhausted and grumpy and I swore I won't do that to my children.

My advice - start your own traditions with your DH and DD. It's one day. They can see you on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day or anytime between that and New Year.

Ahh OP bless you! Christmas...the only time of the year I can manage to upset nearly everyone, and do you know how I manage to do this? probably not but I am going to tell you anyway! I manage to upset everyone by trying to fit them all in with their own ridiculous agendas and them trying to manage my time and my decisions for me with their very own ridiculous demands!!! Bugger me what I want is so far off the scale they don;t won;t can;t even register it on their own radar! I get you ...the only thing I do is run round like a headless chicken try to please them all ..fail miserably somewhere along the lines and still end up the bad guy!! Please don;t be like me ..do your own thing if you can and do things how you would like! I just get through the day and do what I want afterwards..its just one day..its just one day I repeat but why oh why does one day feel as long as a week! even a fortnight some years!!!!

Those who think this is a big deal about nothing and way too early to worry about clearly have nicer in laws than some of us! I love Christmas as a rule but I'm at the stage of dreading it each year now because I know we'll have to fit our in laws in somehow and, frankly, none of us like them. How ridiculous that such a supposedly lovely family time is tainted by the horror of spending a short time with these smug, toxic people, starting months in advance! I appreciate you have to do your bit - despite not actually liking his mother my husband doesn't want to hurt her so we do our duty but I have come to the conclusion that in order to keep sane we will arrange Christmas Day as it suits us and no-one else. In our case that involves just us. For those who enjoy Christmas with their wider family, great. Don't assume it's that enjoyable for everyone.

I don't understand why everyone is obsessed with Xmas day itself, OP has said they are planning to spend either day of Xmas with the Grandparents. They are seeing their families at Xmas. My family is huge so there was no way we could all see my grandparents on Xmas day so we would spend the last Saturday before Xmas getting together worked out well.

I do so hate the selfish smuggery and exclusion of ‘our own little family’. It’s an insular and blinkered stance to take because one day circumstances will change and the little family will be spending Christmas and other occasions with their own little family and their spouse’s families and places other than with mum and dad...and I’ll wager that most parents would love to be included and considered at that point, particularly if they find themselves alone.

This. I think it comes across as quite immature actually. It's like, "I've got a partner and a baby which means I'm doing adulting now, get me!" It kind of smacks of people who grew up in a house where their parents said, "My house, my rules" and so now they're super excited that they can say it's their house and their rules.

The obvious problem with excluding your parents, in-laws and siblings at Christmas because you're your "own little family now" is that you won't always be. You can stick to your guns and be your "own little family" for the next 20 years if you really must, and if you exclude other members of your extended family because you can't really be bothered with them at Christmas, it's their problem, not yours.

But it will become your problem when your children grow up and find partners and have children of their own and then you find yourself being excluded because they have their "own little family now" which you are no longer part of.

Imagine how you would feel then. Especially if your husband is no longer around due to death or divorce.

Ethel has hit the nail on the head

It's horrible for kids when they open their presents and then get told to get dressed because they need to go and see relatives on Christmas Day.

I hated it as a child. I just wanted to be at home with my family. Not stuck in a car going to see people.

I'd stick with your plan and stay at home. I can't work out how far you will be along with your pregnancy by then but I should imagine it will be near your due date.

Years ago we got into a Titanic struggle with my MIL over family Christmas. At first we alternated between DM and in laws and then I could not face chasing the kids away from presents and PJs to go visiting.
MIL kept insisting it was easier to come to her as we wouldn't need to cook.
MIL's friend had her adult DS for dinner while his wife and child went to her mother's. "Because it's wrong to split families up at Christmas," said MIL with no sense of irony.

So we started to stay put but say anyone was welcome at ours. We are lucky as we live relatively close so the GPs could choose to pop in for a cuppa in the morning or come for dinner.
We are decades on now and the grandmothers are elderly and still love to come to us and alternate with BIL/SIL.

My Christmas properly starts after lunch when our guests have left and there is nothing left to do except chill but I think it works for everyone.

I'm not saying you should do what we have done but it can take some serious negotiation. Good luck.

Peggy I think saying you will stay put at home but other people can come to you if they want is the perfect solution when you have small children.

Hi everyone thank you for the replies on this I do understand this kind of thread was always going to be a point of contention for some. I absolutely see it from everyone's point of view especially with regards to my dad and my brother. My uncle usually spends christmas day with him and db they have a usual Christmas with presents, dinner and lots of comedy boxsets and dvds I call my dad and mil in the morning and again towards the end of the afternoon, send lots of photos to both of them especially of dd opening the gifts from them. It's not so much a case of wanting to exclude anyone it's just near impossible to fit everyone in comfortably.

No deep routed problems with mil we get on really well and I see her usually around twice a week sometimes more, we message and text almost daily i even spend time with her on our own we get on well and since i dont have my own mum she's wonderfully supportive always willing to help with child care as is my own dad. The texts and calls on dds didbt actually all come from dmil but instead sil

Hurting or upsetting any of our family really isn't mine or dh intentions but at the same time we also don't see why we need to not enjoy the day with dd ourselves just so appease everyone else when we are more then happy to let each of them have their day either Christmas eve or boxing day I have absolutely no problems with who wants each day I'm more then happy to go to them both with dh and dd.

I guess the problem with this sort of thing is you'll never please everyone which is a shame. When dh mentioned that if he had to go out and see anyone of Christmas day it would be my dd and db not to be nasty but because of his situation and the fact he is bereaved mil then agreed that a private Christmas the 3 of us was best I do suspect she has a little jealousy towards my dad which is understandable given that dh spelled it out like that I dont think she meant anything by it. I made it clear we would never go out and see one without the other as we do always try and treat them equally. I guess we will stick to our guns I really dont anticipate being able to do an awful lot around that time we have even cancelled out anniversary trip as dh was worried about the amount of walking and the stress involved. Baby is due early Feb.

I so wish we had a bigger place so we could host everyone in the evening while not upsetting dd everyone could come over and see her playing for a couple hours then when she goes off to bed play some family board games or watch a movie. Maybe next year as we are hoping to move!

For me it is when you have kids that you can justify staying home for Christmas. It is about building family traditions and spending time together. I've had many years of visiting family for Christmas, now I have my own child I plan to stay at home. If people want to come to me then I would consider it, but only if they will fit in with our family vibe, and then only late morning/in time for lunch so we get time just us together for a bit.

I should also mention just one other reason although it's not huge it's definately a factor.

Dd doesn't know bil and sil and they never see her or answer/return our FaceTime throughout the year, we have offered to drive to their house and book a hotel near by for a few days so we can spend some time together when their free but they say their too busy with work (fair enough) both in quite demanding jobs we don't push it but as a result dd is very shy around mils and very timid won't so much as even pick a toy up and play next to me she just sits next to me on the sofa and barely squeeks that's no way for a child to spend Christmas. Also being the cheeky 2 year old that she is she makes herself very clear that at the moment she favours dh and her dgd so trying to leave my dad's house would be a nightmare but due to logistics it's actually a lot easier to go to my dad's first. It's just a phase she is going through and me and mil try not to take it to heart.

Ugh, I hate the whole "our own little family" brigade. It pretty much just smacks of selfishness and self importance.

Before we had kids I spent Xmas day with my mum as my husband always worked. Since having our first child in 2009 he's always been able to be off Xmas day and we chose to spend it at home. But we never stopped people coming round and my mum came too. My older sister was a slave to her mil and so we never saw her or the kids.

These days I have 3 primary school age kids and we spend Xmas day in our pjs. Occasionally my mum may join us, but more often she goes abroad. My older sister is now divorced so either chills at home now her kids are teenagers or comes to us. But ultimately we always spend it in our house as we have the young kids and it makes the best sense.

Boxing day we throw a big all day party and issue an open invitation to everyone we know. Some years we get everyone, some years we get just my sister. It's still always a blast.

No one should be guilt tripped into going anywhere they don't want to, no matter what the day is. But don't fall into the "own little family" rubbish, as Ethal says one day it'll come along and bite you in the arse.

Arrow you're totally right sorry I'm not trying to come off that way at all. I think if the first year of pleasing everyone hadn't gone so badly for us we would still be happy to do it but that day was simply awful and ended in a big row between me and dh although I dont know why as we both felt the same and we both felt as though dds first christmas has been ruined we got home dd was fast asleep for the night so went straight to bed dh and i had a row and went to bed early and boxing day he had to work so that was that christmas totally spoiled.

YANBU to want to spend this Christmas at home again, especially since you will be pregnant and possibly not too well. So I would tell MIL now what you want to do, to get her off your back.
But also make a plan for next year and years after that, so that you can tell her what is happening and stick to it.

Yanbu. You tried extended christmas days and it was stressful and a disaster.

When i see parents who moan about not seeing adult dc i wonder if they still see there parents on christmas day? Because that could get messy if a lot are still alive. Ond year at parents then everyone wt mums parents, then at dads, then on to in laws parents. That's if parents are still all married! My friends dad is a moaner like that though did he care to invite his parents? Nope. He had always done his own thing.

I would personally see one on christmas eve and one boxing day and enjoy a day doing what you both want and will enjoy. Next year decide then. You may want extended on xmas day, you may not.

If anyone i would see your bereaved dad at christmas and think in laws are pretty selfish if she thinks she should take priority over him.