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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to want to end marriage for this reason....

112 replies

Hushhush89 · 06/09/2018 17:50

Sorry if it's a long one....

I've been with my husband for 11 years and married for 2 years and have 3 children with him. I do love my husband but I'm fed up of feeling like I'm living in a house instead of my home (hope that makes sense). Don't get me wrong he is a fantastic guy and will help anyone with anything, but that's the problem, soon as someone asks for his help he is there no matter what but I ask for something to be done (usually tip runs or sorting the garden out) all I'll get is 'yeah I'll get it done' and that's it till I next bring it up and then he gets the hump because I keep going on about it but I go on about it as he never does it. Both my gardens are a state and now at the point I couldn't even get the lawnmower through it. Overgrown hedge that we are getting letters about to sort it out and yet he is still ignoring it. Today he has gone to help out a relative (I have no problem with that as she lives alone and does need help with a few jobs) promised to be back before children were home from school, I received a phone call about 10 mins ago to let me know he has just left and probably won't be home before children are in bed.

I just don't know what to do, I feel like I'm a maid living in someone's house with my children. I'm constantly dreaming at the moment me and my 3 children have our own home and I'll wake up happy till I realise it's a dream. I had complications after having my 3rd and now keep wishing they didn't save me as I'm not happy....

AIBU feeling like this, is it worth ending my marriage?

Sorry again for the long post

OP posts:
TomHardysNextWife · 06/09/2018 17:53

Have you told him this is how you're feeling?

And no it's not unreasonable to be unhappy and want to change it.

JagerPlease · 06/09/2018 17:53

Difficult to say if it's worth ending your marriage. At the end of the day if you're not happy in the marriage and don't think it can be saved, then yes, it's a reason to do it. But on what you've said, you need to be having a very serious conversation with your DH setting out just how this is all making you feel

InezGraves · 06/09/2018 18:01

He think you and the children and your home are an extension of him, and has absorbed the idea from somewhere that he must always put other people's demands ahead of his own, therefore you and the children lose out.

Very difficult to combat, from my experience of growing up the child of a woman who was exactly like this. You learn very quickly that you come way down the pecking order.

Dayz0fft4 · 06/09/2018 18:10

Put add on local Facebook, Gumtree to ask how much it will cost to sort out your garden and take all the debris away. Get a few quotes. Then tell your DH will he pay or do it himself, plus a deadline

AnoukSpirit · 06/09/2018 18:17

I feel like I'm a maid living in someone's house with my children

Well, he's not a "fantastic guy" then, is he?

If he's making your life missable to the point where you wish you weren't alive, he doesn't listen to you, he disrespects you, and he manipulates you (ignoring what you say, false promises, then turning it all around on you and making out you're in the wrong), then why would you want to stay with him?

If you were my friend I would not blame you for deciding enough was enough, and you would have my full support. No judgement.

Original poster
Hushhush89 · 06/09/2018 18:18

My problem is I find it hard to talk about my feelings. But I have quite a few times explain how annoyed and upset I become when he can do anything for others but can't do the same jobs in his own home.

I just feel like I want to walk out as I've had enough of being his maid but then I end up thinking is it worth breaking a family apart for this reason.

He works and I'm a SAHM, I never ask him to do anything around the house, apart from cooking on his days off (I hate cooking but he enjoys doing it). Only thing I every say that he has to do is keep on top of the garden. He always does things with our children and helps them with anything they need doing. But I've got to the point I'm embarrassed of my house, I hate answering the door as the garden is so overgrown, if I'm walking home and someone is behind me, I'll act as if I'm busy so they over take me or if they are a distance away I will rush in and hope they don't see what house I've gone in.

We get garden waste collected every other week, we have missed 4 collections as bins have been empty :(

OP posts:
Keeptrudging · 06/09/2018 18:20

DH and I do the garden together, that way it's not just one person's job. Why have you not been doing it instead?

Original poster
Hushhush89 · 06/09/2018 18:27

AnoukSpirit (Sorry don't know how to make names bold)

This is my only problem tho other than that we are happy (well as happy as I can be) I know a lot of my problem is, I never leave the house unless it's taking children school or out for the day. So most of the time I'm stuck in the house and constantly see it all and I tried my hardest at cleaning it but because I can't get rid of bulky items and there in the way it seems like I can never get the place/garden sorted

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 06/09/2018 18:29

Can you have another go at explaining the reasons why you are upset by these things? I wonder if he just doesn't get it? Example - it's not really about the garden it's about not feeling a priority and the garden is just an example of this.

Mari50 · 06/09/2018 18:29

Is there a reason why you can’t do some of the garden maintenance yourself? Who is going to do the garden for you when you’re divorced and a single mum if you haven’t got the energy now?

Original poster
Hushhush89 · 06/09/2018 18:31

Keeptrudging.... because I do everything in the house. And that's what I've told him. I do the inside so that's the washing, drying, folding, hoovering, dishes, polishing,..... well cleaning every single room in the house and that he does the outside.

Also I would do the garden but when we have piles of stuff that needs taking to the tip that I can't shift it means I can't get round it and plus the hedge is nearly double my height so I would struggle doing that....

OP posts:
JustBeReasonable · 06/09/2018 18:34

I mean this gently- if you have time you’re probably (assuming no disability etc) very capable of cutting the hedge.

Be a strong, confident woman! You can do it!

If it’s literally just the garden that’s the issue, then just do it whilst he’s at work- and maybe tackle some together on a Saturday morning.

Merryoldgoat · 06/09/2018 18:36

You need to have a serious conversation about how to solve these issues. Either he helps or you hire in help.

However, it sounds like an unequal partnership and I’d expect my family to be the priority.

Seniorschoolmum · 06/09/2018 18:36

Op, book yourself a gardener to come and get the garden back under control. It is autumn now so things will stop growing fairly soon.

Then spell it out to your dh, and suggest the you spend £50 a month on a gardener going toward. Ask them also to do the occasional tip run too. If dh grumbles tell him it’ll be a lot cheaper than a divorce.

JustBeReasonable · 06/09/2018 18:37

Help him load the car and go to the tip together?

If one partner stays at home I would expect them to be spending that time sorting the house and garden (and children) in those working hours, to be honest. Anything on top of that can be done together.

Allthewaves · 06/09/2018 18:39

Time to grab bull by the horns. If you want the garden sorted then make a start, borrow the car and do some tip runs, hire a man and van to clear the rubbish. If it's getting you down.do something about it.

TheFifthKey · 06/09/2018 18:39

The answer to this is NOT OP taking on more by herself, FFS.

Cornettoninja · 06/09/2018 18:39

It’s not about the tasks themselves is it? It’s the fact that you’ve clearly asked for help with something that is having a detrimental effect on your shared family space as well as your state of mind and he ignores it. He doesn’t value your needs enough to put the extra effort in to help you when clearly asked to.

Practically speaking you could get a few quotes for the garden and a tip run and pay someone to do it but that doesn’t help with the overall issue of him just not caring about your opinion of him the same way he does others (which is why he goes running off to help). I bet he’d be angry/annoyed if you asked someone to come help you in the same way (I’d totally do this if I knew someone).

Racecardriver · 06/09/2018 18:41

My husband does this. I have had to have words with him. He's improved but not massively.

Cornettoninja · 06/09/2018 18:43

Hang on, why do so many posters think it’s acceptable for anyone to bow out of any responsibility for their environment just because they work?

Garden maintenance is a once morning a week job at the very most - it’s not bloody hard and he lives there too! He has no investment in the homes of the people he’s actually pouring his energy into.

PickAChew · 06/09/2018 18:45

If you lived on your own, who would do those jobs? Am I missing something? I checked the B&Q website and none of their hedge trimmers appear to be penis operated?

That aside, it would be nice if he could prioritise his own immediate family a little more as he appears to take you for granted.

PickAChew · 06/09/2018 18:48

And if he's not sticking to his side of this arrangement, then stop doing things that only benefit him, like his laundry.

Aprilsinparis · 06/09/2018 18:48

I know exactly what you mean OP. My H will do anything for anybody else, but if I ask him to do anything for me, you can forget it. I needed new doors putting on the bedrooms and bathroom upstairs, I've asked him a thousand times, they've still not been done. The other day a friend of his asked him to do the exact same job, he was there within the hour. The garden back and front look like a jungle, I am so embarrassed, but he just can't be arsed. Angry

Gazelda · 06/09/2018 18:50

Tell him when he gets home (after kids are in bed) how you're feeling. He's not prioritising his family home. He takes you for granted, he doesn't listen when you tell him how unhappy you are at home - and that you spend 24/7 at home so it makes for a miserable life.
Tell him it's making you think of leaving.
Then tell him that the whole family will be clearing the garden together on Sat afternoon (or whenever the weather forecast looks decent). The kids can stack up pots, Hunt for worms, dig holes or whatever. DH can cut back the grass and tackle the hedge. Factor in time for a couple of tip runs. Get takeaway for tea.
Then remind him that you run the home and ask little more of him that maintaining the garden. You insist that he keeps on top of it from now on or that he outsources it. You will not continue to live in a place you feel ashamed of.

fuzzywuzzy · 06/09/2018 18:51

Garden is easy to keep on top of if the garden is fairly well kept to start with.

However trying to blitz an overgrown garden with a load of crap in it that needs to be taken to the tip (so presuming it’s bulky crap), cannot be done alone.

When I was single I paid a gardener to sort out the garden after that I regularly kept everything fairly well kempt.

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