AIBU to want to end marriage for this reason....

[Hushhush89]

Sorry if it's a long one....

I've been with my husband for 11 years and married for 2 years and have 3 children with him. I do love my husband but I'm fed up of feeling like I'm living in a house instead of my home (hope that makes sense). Don't get me wrong he is a fantastic guy and will help anyone with anything, but that's the problem, soon as someone asks for his help he is there no matter what but I ask for something to be done (usually tip runs or sorting the garden out) all I'll get is 'yeah I'll get it done' and that's it till I next bring it up and then he gets the hump because I keep going on about it but I go on about it as he never does it. Both my gardens are a state and now at the point I couldn't even get the lawnmower through it. Overgrown hedge that we are getting letters about to sort it out and yet he is still ignoring it. Today he has gone to help out a relative (I have no problem with that as she lives alone and does need help with a few jobs) promised to be back before children were home from school, I received a phone call about 10 mins ago to let me know he has just left and probably won't be home before children are in bed.

I just don't know what to do, I feel like I'm a maid living in someone's house with my children. I'm constantly dreaming at the moment me and my 3 children have our own home and I'll wake up happy till I realise it's a dream. I had complications after having my 3rd and now keep wishing they didn't save me as I'm not happy....

AIBU feeling like this, is it worth ending my marriage?

Sorry again for the long post

OutPinked it would be different if I was a single parent as I would be on my own and everything would be down to me, plus I wouldn't let things get as bad. But I'm not single, I'm married which surely that should mean things should be split, he happily excepted just having the garden work as his job and I did everything else

If he leaves you with just child benefit and no access to any other money that is close to financial abuse. This could be why you are depressed OP.

Tbh Hush if all he has to do is the garden then he is failing in his promise to you. If you view marriage as a contract he is not meeting his side of the bargain.

What else does he actually do? Other than work? Is he a good dad, does he treat you well, does he pick up after himself and clean up without asking? Does he play with his kids, read to them, does he bedtime?

It does he make you feel guilty for mentioning housework, does he accuse you of nagging, expect you to do all of the childcare and look after him?

Without meaning to sound harsh, if you do decide to separate you will have to do all of these things yourself anyway

It's one thing having the stuff left undone because there's no-one to do it, quite another having it left undone because the person who should be doing it has buggered off elsewhere.

Agreed gabilan that’s it exactly. It’s the let down, the feeling that you are not important enough. We can all get on and do what has to be done. But a partner should pull their equal weight, and be a positive in your life.

Ooogetyooo - no I'm not scared of him, im just scared to talk about my feelings, no becaisebof his reaction but because I hate being centre of attention.

He says it's a waste because he is capable of doing it himself, and I think I end up cancelling because he is there earner and I'm not

IME it is so much harder getting things done if you have an uncooperative partner. If you are single you know what needs done, what you can do, what you need to budget for. However, if OP's DH is otherwise a delight but just hates gardening she needs to weigh up what she can accept. Would he prefer to do the ironing or all the laundry possibly? If I was OP I would "out" him to all the people he helps. Ring them crying and say "I just wish he would help me the way he helps you, you're so lucky".

Zofloramummy

Yes he is a brilliant dad, I will admit I have had to ask him to help more with the younger one on some occasions. Especially if I'm trying to sort washing out and he is sat on his game. He reads loads to the children, to be honest probably more than I do but he does tend to do bedtime more if he has been at work all day and hasn't seen them. He does most of the cooking but that is something he enjoys and he knows I'm not very confident at especially if it's something to do with raw meat e.g. chicken, gammon, beef that sort of stuff (I panic I'll give everyone food poisoning so I'd rather shove something in from the freezer) he does treat me well, it's mainly the lack of help around the house that gets me down, I do end up thinking if he isn't keeping his promise with the garden he could at least do something round the house but the most he does is put dishes in the kitchen to be washed.

He doesn't make me feel guilty but I do sometimes get annoyed he doesn't get up and help. What makes it worse is very rarely he will say 'Do you need me to do anything' I usually snap back no and think why does he ask and not just get on with something (I have mentioned this to him before and told.him it annoys me that he has to ask if I need help and he doesn't actually just do it) I have said I'll be happy if you could just stick a load of washing on but nope, if there is a load to go in he usually takes it down and chucks it IN FRONT of the washing machine. I can actually tell you the last time he did a load of washing and all will probably be shocked. And thwn i feel guilty thinking that way.

He does moan if I keep asking him to.do something and usually says if its that important do it yourself and then moans at me if I actually do it

Hush No one, I promise. You will feel so much better when you get some help, someone to listen and to advise. You will probably be given a form( someone on here will know the proper name for it) and you fill it by answering the questions on a scale of 1to 10. Be honest, no one will know, just you and the Doctor.

I feel for you OP, he sounds like at best, a bit of a thoughtless plonker, and like some other posters have mentioned, far too interested in the adulation of people who don't have to live with him. YANBU to be fed up with it all, just please try and take care of yourself first. Maybe just think about speaking to your GP or health visitor first, in case it is a touch of post natal depression causing you to feel so hopeless. If you're feeling stronger it might be easier to stand up to him, look at counselling or leaving, whatever you feel is best.

Good luck.

A divorce costs a lot more upheaval, anguish and money than upsetting your spouse by paying someone to do the garden. Do not cancel under any circumstance when you organise someone. He hasn’t done it, it’s affecting your everyday life and mental welfare, it’s easily sorted - pay someone get it done ! The garden isn’t really the issue, you need to talk to him about his priorities.

I'll give writing a letter ago and give it to my GP, I actually have to see him next week. I'm just hoping I can make myself give it him tho...

Tbh he sounds crap.

What you are describing is the behaviour of someone who doesn’t see ANY of the house stuff as part of his responsibility. Not the dcs, not thé garden, not anything else.
That’s why he is only HELPING or he is asking you if you need help rather than just do it in his back.

He is taking you for granted by promising things that never happen and THEN tells you you can’t spend the money that way (its a waste) and that anyway it’s HIS money....
Sonthe fact you are a SAHM. Instead for nothing for him. Just normal and not even worth appreciating all the work you are doing. For the family and for him.
(Remember cleaning the house, looking after the dcs is HALF responsibility. So if you are at home taking it all as YOUR responsibility, you are supporting him and helping a hell of a lot to be able to go to work wo any worries!!)

So he might be doing some cooking (he enjoys anyway) and reading stories at bed time. But think about it, that’s not a lot is it?? The rest if the time, everyth8ng else is on you, incl telling him what he can do to ‘help’ which he then doesn’t do because he can’t be bothered (see the garden)

So no a great husband in my books.
I wouod also wonder how much he plays a part into your depression and lack of self worth (see the comment about the money....)

JustBeReasonable - I can't get the garden done when he is working as I have my baby to look after, before having baby I always gave in and done it myself while the other 2 were at school. I also do help when loading car for tip runs, I can't go with him as he completely packs the car thinking I'll be happy if he does just the one run.

PickAChew - I've tried leaving his washing and he ends up letting his dirty stuff pile up and then will only wash what he needs, I usually give in and do it as it ends up annoying me and gets me down as the room could be spotless and then I see the pile

OP you sound so downtrodden about so many things. It's a great idea to see your GP for bloods and depression. You need to learn how to talk about your needs and feelings otherwise you will struggle in this and any future relationship (e.g. even if they are lovely no one is a mind reader). You need some help to increase your self esteem.

Once you've got that, you'll be able to see if this is a relationship you want and can improve with your DH.

You may feel you don't want your marriage then but at the moment it could be so much worse because a) you can't communicate b) he doesn't listen when you try c) you might be depressed

Very best of luck

One step at a time Hush and the priority is you at the moment

Just to add OP that you will only need to hire someone for one day to clear the rubble and cut the hedge down low.
when I've tried doing it for us he ends up making me cancelling it as he thinks it a waste of money
This is the mistake you are making. Telling him in advance. Don't tell him. Use family money for this. Don't apologise, don't explain if he is irritated when he comes home and sees the garden in better shape.
The fact that it doesn't occur to you (especially in this lovely weather) to have your baby in the pram in the garden while you get on with things, really highlights how depressed and reclusive you're feeling.
Seeing your GP is a great step and hopefully you'll be on the road to feeling better and stronger very soon.

Book a one off gardener and someone to take rubbish to the dump, man with a van who you can hire by the hour.

Get both to come in the same day whilst dh at work.

I'm sure your dh will be angry but you need to use the opportunity to say how low you're feeling and that you can't put up with his unreliability any more.

With any further maintenance, if he says I'll do it, always agree a deadline, and if it's not done by then, hire someone to do it.

Is there a reason why you don't drive? Life would be so much easier if you did. And if you're seriously considering getting divorced I would say it was essential with 3 dc.

givemesteel - I have never took lessons, I've had my provisional for about 3 years now but never actually booked any lessons... I get paranoid just being a passenger so have no idea how I'll be at actually driving. Walking doesn't actually bother me, yes it would make things a lot easier especially getting children to places but to me it isn't something I'm actually that bothered about doing. It may change if I do become single tho

No happiness here. End the marriage.

OP, from personal experience, I would not try learning to drive whilst depressed. (I was undiagnosed at the time, but looking back now I can see that clearly I was depressed). Depression does very weird things to your sense of perspective and your sense of self. It often goes hand in had with low self esteem, which seems to be the case with you. It's not a good time to learn a new skill that potentially puts you and others at risk, because the tendency to self sabotage and will yourself to fail is too great.

I think for you, going to see the GP and pushing for a depression diagnosis is the first step. Then go from there. Do things in small, very manageable chunks, because depression freezes you and stops you managing, right when you most need to.

As to whether or not you end your marriage - I think many things about it need to change. But personally I'd give it the chance to change before necessarily ending it.

Yes, it never gets any better. My ex was like this. Now he and I have new partners and his lady has told me how she hates him going off to help others all the time and never her. "He thinks he is a knight in shining armour" she said. Yep, it never changes.

I swear to goodness we should ask exes to give references for potential new partners. And if they just say "run away", make sure you do it.

Over the past week we have had new furniture delivered which meant that we had 2 sofas and a taken down bed a t.v. stand and dd2 old chest of drawers in the garden. I paid a local guy £40 to come and shift it. My dh often works away all week and is only home Saturday and Sunday. I'm home all the time. He will help on the weekends but mostly I have roped the kids in and done it myself. I like the weekends as family time without needing to do things in the house so we can go out etc.

Also I have paid a few teens over the summer £10 to cut my grass to give them a bit of money.

If you don't have the energy yourself and you have the money to do it just get a garden clearance - they will literally move every piece of crap out and cut your lawns hedge and weed.

It's much easier to keep on top of once it's done once