AIBU to want to end marriage for this reason....

[Hushhush89]

Sorry if it's a long one....

I've been with my husband for 11 years and married for 2 years and have 3 children with him. I do love my husband but I'm fed up of feeling like I'm living in a house instead of my home (hope that makes sense). Don't get me wrong he is a fantastic guy and will help anyone with anything, but that's the problem, soon as someone asks for his help he is there no matter what but I ask for something to be done (usually tip runs or sorting the garden out) all I'll get is 'yeah I'll get it done' and that's it till I next bring it up and then he gets the hump because I keep going on about it but I go on about it as he never does it. Both my gardens are a state and now at the point I couldn't even get the lawnmower through it. Overgrown hedge that we are getting letters about to sort it out and yet he is still ignoring it. Today he has gone to help out a relative (I have no problem with that as she lives alone and does need help with a few jobs) promised to be back before children were home from school, I received a phone call about 10 mins ago to let me know he has just left and probably won't be home before children are in bed.

I just don't know what to do, I feel like I'm a maid living in someone's house with my children. I'm constantly dreaming at the moment me and my 3 children have our own home and I'll wake up happy till I realise it's a dream. I had complications after having my 3rd and now keep wishing they didn't save me as I'm not happy....

AIBU feeling like this, is it worth ending my marriage?

Sorry again for the long post

And what's all this about "he made me cancel it?" What are you? A woman or a mouse? Tell him you've waited long enough and he knows what he can do!

Get on Facebook and find a man with a van to clear it tomorrow. Round here it’s about £25.

Get some one on Facebook to come and do the hedge.

THEN sort out your husband. If you get it done you’ll feel better about it and then can tackle everything else.

To all that has mentioned to me about leaving the house. It's to the point I can't if my children are home as I feel like I'm the worse parent for leaving them.

Someone put about seeing if someone could have children for a few days, we had that during the holidays. Older 2 were away for a week.

I've tried talking to doctors about how I'm feeling but I can't seem to do it ..

My dad was exactly like this. It drove my mum mad. I’ll tell you why he did everything for everyone else and little for us. It was the praise, the adoration, the fact that he was man they all went to.
It basically fed his ego. Whereas having a carpet in the toilet, a painted kitchen etc didn’t give the same ‘reward’.
Mum used to put a ‘to do list’ on the fridge. 2nd of Jan every year a new list went up, with carried over from last year....
It was difficult as a child watching him race off to help all and sundry. My dad is an idiot though because if he’d sorted his own home out first he’d have had a much easier marriage.

In terms of leaving the house, take the baby with you. Go to baby yoga, library sessions, anything you can find that’s free and for little ones. You’ll find other mums there. From that you find friends, and a social circle, and a life that isn’t just childcare and cleaning.

I’ve been on AD’s and I initially hated having to admit I needed them. I thought as a person who previously had never struggled with my mood that it was somehow a weakness. It isn’t. It’s a chemical imbalance in your brain and it affects how you feel, how you think and what you can do. It’s line wading through treacle with your brain in a cloud. Meds can help. Talking definitely helps. That’s what your gp is there for. They hear this everyday. They will help.

Like not line

Singlenotsingle - This will sound bad but on a few occasions he has mentioned it's HIS money (soon as he says it he does appologise but usually its a bit late and i feel worthless) and this has been at a time I've said about getting a skip in (as mentioned in a SAHM, only money I get is child benefit which is actually my children's money) this is another reason I haven't walked yet is because I would be leaving with nothing.

Get your thyroid łevels checked too.

I do my own garden, cut the grass & hedges. It is actually quite therapeutic to be outside. Also if you plant a few things it is interesting to see if they flourish or die. If you could make a start on the garden it may help you. Last week we decided to pull out a bush , instead of cutting it up, we pulled it out whole and put it on the car roof rack to take to the recycling centre.

If you want to stay married and he won't do the garden or any outside jobs you will have to hire someone if you can afford it. It isn't fair but he has shown you that he will not do it.

Tbh this spelled the end of my marriage. We moved into a new house and the youngest was a baby. XH just wouldn't help me no matter how often or nicely I asked. I remember moving bags of rubble and an anderson shelter by myself and he brought the baby out strapped in a pushchair and just parked it in front of me and said "baby's awake" and went back inside. He never helped me and he blocked me at every turn.

Everyone else thought he was amazing and they still ask why we split up and I really struggle to explain!

Hire someone for when he's at work and don't tell him, just get it done. Then have a discussion with him about how undervalued you feel.

Ok OP that sounds slightly different this isn’t just a man being a hero to others. He is also putting you and your valuable role down. You wouldn’t just have child benefit to survive on you’d have a lot more than that. Have you looked at turn to us or entitled to? It’s worth looking at them as they’ll show you what you could get from benefits. Also if you were to leave the family home (and I hope you wouldn’t but make him leave) you would be entitled to housing.

Is it really just the gardening that’s making you down or is there other stuff going in?

On

Presumably the 8 month old baby has a pram or buggy they could be safely strapped into while you get some gardening done.
I know you have a 9 yo. but don't know middle DC age. Could the two older ones have garden games/toys to keep them amused.
Another possible problem is that you have said that the hedge is way above your height. In my area it is not allowed to have hedges over 6 feet or maybe 6ft 6 so that could be a legal problem.
A benefit for DH if he gets the garden under control is that OP will be happy and likely DC will have more room to play.

Hush
Write down everything you are feeling and make a Doctors appointment. Then give the Doctor the letter and let him/her take the lead. You need to sort out yourself first of all.

Omg fatty that’s pretty horrendous!!!

Tell them all he was fine until became a dad. Then he became a misogynistic arsehole!!

OP could you show your husband this post?
Maybe it would be easier and clearer if he read how you feel.
I defiantly think go to the doctors about how you are feeling.
And make a plan for the garden ie skip, garden or husband. If husband says he will do It, set a date to have it done by and if not you are able to call someone.
Good luck OP

zoflora you are spot on. I was married to exactly this. Everything he did was all about the ego boost he got from others for being so helpful, good at DIY, manly, whatever. My DH was wonderful!!! Except he really wasn't. It was all a public face and that is what fed him psychologically. And since he died, I have found out so so much else that underlines that.

Without meaning to sound harsh, if you do decide to separate you will have to do all of these things yourself anyway...

For the hedge you could use a step ladder to reach it. I would put the bags for the tip in the back of his car before he leaves for work tbh so he can’t duck out of it again.

I agree he should help out more but if you separate you’ll wind up doing everything you currently do and more so it’s whether that would make you happier really.

Next time he rushes out to be Mr Helpful, I’d give it 10 mins and then put a message out on Facebook asking friends/family for practical help with the garden. Mention that DH would do it but is such a thoughtful and helpful go-to person for everyone else that he neglects his own jobs that need doing.

THen watch how quick he gets it done.....

But seriously, this isn’t about the garden. I agree with PP that it’s how it makes you feel. Probably not worth LTB over this in isolation but I’d suggest some counselling to improve your communication skills with each other.

But, outpinked, she would have brought a gardener in before it got half so bad I feel it wasn't for his promises

Stillme1 If the garden was in a reasonable way I would do this but it is so out of control

GoldenHoops - If I did that would anyone else find out, I'd be petrified of my husband or family finding out how I feel.... especially the comment how I felt after having baby (I also thought it at the time it was happening)

It's not just the garden is it OP?
Are you scared of him? Why does he make you cancel the gardener when you've booked it? Tell him No.

Everything you tell your GP is entirely confidential.