AIBU to want to end marriage for this reason....

[Hushhush89]

Sorry if it's a long one....

I've been with my husband for 11 years and married for 2 years and have 3 children with him. I do love my husband but I'm fed up of feeling like I'm living in a house instead of my home (hope that makes sense). Don't get me wrong he is a fantastic guy and will help anyone with anything, but that's the problem, soon as someone asks for his help he is there no matter what but I ask for something to be done (usually tip runs or sorting the garden out) all I'll get is 'yeah I'll get it done' and that's it till I next bring it up and then he gets the hump because I keep going on about it but I go on about it as he never does it. Both my gardens are a state and now at the point I couldn't even get the lawnmower through it. Overgrown hedge that we are getting letters about to sort it out and yet he is still ignoring it. Today he has gone to help out a relative (I have no problem with that as she lives alone and does need help with a few jobs) promised to be back before children were home from school, I received a phone call about 10 mins ago to let me know he has just left and probably won't be home before children are in bed.

I just don't know what to do, I feel like I'm a maid living in someone's house with my children. I'm constantly dreaming at the moment me and my 3 children have our own home and I'll wake up happy till I realise it's a dream. I had complications after having my 3rd and now keep wishing they didn't save me as I'm not happy....

AIBU feeling like this, is it worth ending my marriage?

Sorry again for the long post

OP, I think as a first step, you need to decide whether it's the garden that's the issue, or your husband's taking your domestic gruntwork for granted. If it's mostly that you're depressed by a messy garden, then I'd agree with others that you either make a start yourself or hire someone, but I suspect the garden is just a visible symbol of you feeling undervalued in your relationship. In which case, forget the garden and think about whether you are as unhappy as your posts make you sound (is he really so 'fantastic' if you feel so undervalued?), and what you can do about it.

This is the bit that struck me though --
I never leave the house unless it's taking children school or out for the day. So most of the time I'm stuck in the house

-- that would drive anyone crazy. How old are the children? Can you plan a return to work?

Can't borrow car as I don't drive, I can't get the garden done when he is at work as I have a baby at home and I don't have anyone around to ask to keep an eye on baby so I can get garden done. Garden will take a few hours, I've tried hire a few people and he grumbles that he will do it so I cancel, he gets it done and that's it he leaves it to get out of hand again.

I have told him quite a few times that if he gets it down I will buy bits in so I can make it look nice plus stop us having so much to cut (talked about covering small part in weed sheet and stones)

I've talked about getting skips to get rid of stuff quicker and he busts moans it's a waste of money as he has big car that he can get loads in to do tip runs.

I have told him a few times I don't think I should have to do the garden as I pretty much do everything in the house, I also said I'll start doing the garden if he takes over washing, hoovering and general house care and his face said it all.

He will always say he'll get it done on this day (like today for example) but next thing I know he has had a call to help relative and he ends up spending the whole day there and nothing gets done at the house (again like today) he has had nearly a month off work (holiday not ill) and not once made an effort doing garden or tip runs.... I still think I have depression so anything that seems small to others (like garden) seems big to me and it puts me in a down mood and then it seems I can't focus on anything else...

If I was single I know I could do it as I wouldn't fill garden with stuff that needs tipping as I wouldn't feel bad about hiring a skip and I would never let garden get out of control but I don't touch it as he always promises he'll do it but something always comes up and it gets worse and worse and excuse after excuse comes....

He likes t get the glory, doesn't he? All those people must think he's great, how he jumps to their command and will do anything for them. All the while he's doing bugger all for his own wife and family.

Why don't you leave the house? You sound depressed. I am sure the garden is annoying you but I imagine it's a symptom not the cause.

I have one of those. Our door was broken for about 18 months before he got round to fixing it. I once found myself locked out when he was away as something had slipped when I'd shut the door behind me and I could get the door open. No windows were open so I couldn't climb in. Tried to fix it myself (found a screwdriver in a shed) but to no avail, so waited until I was fairly confident I wouldn't be waking my neighbour up (was the weekend) to get him to help.

I find that, if I really need a job doing NOW, to start it myself. If it's a job I want him to do, it's because I really can't do it. And it will be something he's promised he'll do anyway.

Like the compost bins. I remember asking him many times to empty the two near the house as they were full, and I was getting fed up having to traipse to the end of our very large garden to another one. In the end I tackled the job one weekend, managed to decant half the compost into bags (which I then couldn't lift, so left in the middle of the path) and left the rest. He was so annoyed with a) the state I'd left it in and b) the fact I'd done it when he'd told me he would do it himself that he finished off the job there and then. Result!

You need to say all this to him. Let him see hw much it's hurting.

I agree that the OP can, in theory, cut the edge herself.
But shouod she?

Why would it ever be ok for a man to decide he isn’t going too do xxx and for everyone to expect the woman to pick all the pieces up ‘because she can do it too’?

The issue here is that the Op is coming second to everyone. Any friend, family member, everyone is joe important than her in his eyes. No wonder she is feeling pissed off tbh.

Hush I agree with some posters. Find someone to come and do the garden. If your DH grumbles, tell him it had to be done and seeing that he hadn’t for the last whatever months, then something had to give.

Then go and see your GP re depression. It’s not normal to think about being happier dead than alive.

And THEN have a word with him abiut how it’s not acceptable to be treated as sexist d best all the time. That you appreciate him helping like this but you and your family comes first. Maybe have a plan in place to say that let’s say one weekend a m9nth he is at home doing stuff that needs to be done. This CANNOT be changed. Other people will have to wait.

I recognise so much of what you’ve posted hush. Are you getting any help for depression? if not that’s the first thing you need to do.

I don’t have answer to your dh’s Attitude I’m afraid. I’ve ended up in a similar situation and having to detach which hasn’t solved anything and horribly impacted our relationship since there’s a lot of resentment.

I completely understand how subtler politics make it harder than just being able to make a decision with considering the impact or opinion on/of anyone else.

Years ago, and I mean many many years, plumbed-in washing machines were becoming common. My neighbour's husband was a plumber so he plumbed them in all day long, except their's. She took a saw, turned off the water, cut through the pipe and when he came home told him You'll have to plumb it in now!
Depending on the age of the children, if they're in school there should be plenty of time for cut a hedge, but leave the debris for him to clear. I would far rather do the garden than the washing.

Book a gardener and get it all done, he can pay you have given him enough warning.

Every single time he doesn’t do anything to help give him two weeks and then hire someone. On repeat.

He will either get fed up paying and start doing it or he will continue to pay. Either way it is not your problem anymore.

You do this with every single thing. So that you don’t get resentful.

You do NOT do it yourself ffs not ever. You have split the chores and he should be doing his!!

You shouldn't do the garden. You agreed you'd do the house, he does the garden. He had a whole month at home and he ignored it.

I actually think there are two problems here:

1. Not doing the garden as per agreement
2. Putting everyone else's demands / requests way above yours

Does he actually really know how miserable the garden makes you feel?And that he doesn't prioritise your needs at all and he just loves being the good guy in everyone else's eyes except the most important person - his partner and mother of his children?

I think he's got his priorities wrong and I think you need to spell it out. And if nothing changes, can you pack up the children for a couple of days and stay with family / friends for a break? Somehow get him to see that he's killing your love by a thousand cuts?

Why don’t you leave the house?

This isn't about the garden OP. You have given lots of examples of feeling taken for granted. You need to chat about your relationship itself and not focus on the surface examples. Can you just tell him what you've told us?

Pickachew.... it would be impossible for me to safely do the hedge as it us far to high for me. He always says he'll do it so I don't get out there, plus I have a baby I cannot leave indoors on her own so i cant just do it when he is working.

Trust me if I was on my own it would get done as I would actually hire someone to do it while baby is young but when I've tried doing it for us he ends up making me cancelling it as he thinks it a waste of money when he is capable of doing it himself

I think Inez is right - I think this is about you feeling generally taken for granted (and if you're doing all the housework I can see why). Maybe you could see if you could share out all the jobs more equitably rather than having the same argument about the garden?

Inezgraves. Youngest is only 8 months. Till youngest goes school it will be very hard for me to work due to husband's work pattern and I have no-one I could ask to help with baby

Agreed the issue isn't really the garden.
In the 'old days' it was usual to wrap a baby up and put it securely in a pram or basket and 'abandon' it in the garden. Good for a few hours at least. Even a bit of crying won't hurt them.

Book an appointment with gp just for a check up & see if you do need help with depression.

Start looking online for things you can do to get you out of the house & find a hobby for you alone so your DH has to look after the children. Even it’s the gym or getting your hair done, trip to the shops, library anything but just for you to feel good about yourself.

Book a gardener and sod the cost, your DH has had time to get it done but he hasn’t been able to see what affect it has on you. It’s money well spent if it makes you happier. This sounds like death by a thousand paper cut scenario, important thing is to make you are mentally healthy so you can tackle the bigger issues. Might be worth popping over to the relationship page for support

Ballsofmush... to be honest I think your right about me being depressed think I have since having my oldest who is 9.

You have a few different issues. You said you find it difficult to communicate with him. If I were you, I'd consider counselling to help you work on how to identify and verbalise your needs, and create and enforce boundaries. You can do online counselling with Relate if you can't get out without the baby.
Secondly, sign up for classes or groups with the baby. You sound like you're going stir-crazy.
Thirdly, do whatever you would do if he wasn't there. Don't fantasise about being a person who could sort everything if your DH wasn't there. Actually be that person. So order a skip. Get relatives round to help. Don't ask for your DH's permission and don't let him fob you off with excuses about how he is going to do it.
One of two things will happen. Either your DH will step up after you've shown you are capable. Or he won't . . . in which case you need to honestly look at what he brings to your relationship. Because you should be the person he drops everything for - not the person he drops for everyone else.

Get someone to do it! A gardener?

I'm sorry but if it's really getting you down then do something about it yourself. I'm a single parent and when my youngest was a baby I would put the baby in the pram and do my garden front and back. Cut the grass, trim the hedges and ivy, plant new plants. Do one job at a time or do it when your husband is home to watch the baby.

i agree with PP. This isn't really about the garden. It's about the fact that he doesn't respect your views or perspective or prioritise helping you out. You seem to feel that you, as an individual with thoughts and feelings of your own that matter and should be taken seriously, are invisible to him That you only exist to him in terms of how you enable or support his own life.
The garden matters as a physical manifestation of how unimportant your perspective, and you, are to him.

HAVING SAID THAT I think you sound depressed this is not to say that your partner is not being an inconsiderate arse. He may be genuinely unaware of how serious this is to you. If so, make it bloody clear! But if he just does t care that he's upsetting you, just tell him that you will be booking a gardener next week if it's not cleared.
I think some earlier responses about you doing the garden might be different if posters knew you had a baby - I think I assumed your dc were all at school.