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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Money Promised now back tracking

104 replies

mamawoo · 06/09/2018 13:36

My DM has known for the last few years that she would be coming into some money this year. It is a 6 figure amount. I have never expected nor asked for any of this money.

My DM however has had various different opinions on what to do with this money. There was the time she said she would use it to buy me a house, told me she would give it to me as it is my inheritance, told my children they and I would all have new cars, have holiday of a lifetime etc etc many times over the years. One thing that has been consistent is that she would pay my debt. This isn’t a huge amount around 6k and hasn’t been from flashy living etc I am a single mum with 4 children who works full time and just trying to keep afloat. Some of this is from my divorce etc. I am making repayments and in 3 years it will all be gone. The 5k is over a few different creditors.

So DM received her money 4 weeks ago and hasn’t mentioned anything about this money thing. She has made herself debt free, bought herself a new car and having some cosmetic work done. She has told my DSs several times how she will make my life easier ensure I have more cash each month and get myself and them new cars.

I spoke with my DM about this money as I don’t want cars, holidays etc it is HER money to spend as she so wishes but she has promised the debt thing every time I have cried over money or being short of money or having to choose between food and bills etc as it will free up £350 a month for me to be debt free (my XH left me with really bad credit rating and I needed to get a Loan which is on a really ridiculous APR) When I mentioned about her promise to pay the debt she flat out refused. She then said she will need to see all my paperwork and she will pick what she will pay but it will not be all of it.

For clarity when I once come into some money and she asked to borrow a substantial sum I did it in a heartbeat.

I feel really let down and like I am being treated like a child instead of a 40 year old woman. I gave her a brief rundown of what was from what but the Loan which I am desperate to get rid of she refused and picked the two lowest things which make only a small difference to my monthly outgoings and even that was a ‘I will see what I can do’. She even has been texting me asking about investment opportunities and saying how I should have some input as it is technically my money.

My friend thinks this is controlling behaviour and i should tell her to not worry. I feel like I am being grabby and disappointed at the same time. Please all know I do know it is her money to do with what she wants but she has promised me debt free living. I feel grabby even typing this…

AIBU or is she?

OP posts:

MadisonMontgomery · 06/09/2018 13:39

Yes, it is her money but this is pretty shit of her - to have brought it up so consistently both to you and your children. I would not mention it to her again - if she talks about it I would just say to her that it is her money, and she has made it clear that she doesn’t want to help, which is fine.

chillpizza · 06/09/2018 13:41

Never rely on money till it’s in your hands. You should of always presumed it was just speaking out loud about possible ideas rather than an actual promise.

We have been offered to buy a house that never materialised, I knew it wouldn’t so didn’t get my hopes up that at X day I would ace a house. I always take what they say with a very large pinch of salt and tell other to do the same even more so if it’s the same person.

I wouldn’t bring it up with her again at all.

Oliversmumsarmy · 06/09/2018 13:43

For clarity when I once come into some money and she asked to borrow a substantial sum I did it in a heartbeat

Did she pay it back?

Alpacanorange · 06/09/2018 13:43

Greedy and selfish .... nice. Her not you.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 06/09/2018 13:43

I would suggest to her she keeps all of it for carers in her dotage. Make sure it isn't you.
Nasty cow imo.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 06/09/2018 13:43

If she had never made any promises then YABU. However, given she created an expectation that she would help you out YANBU. However, the best thing you can do is keep your dignity and carry on managing your debts as you are. Don't mention the money to her again and don't engage too much if she mentions it.
It might be that she is still coming to terms with the reality of having that much money available and so is feeling quite protective and territorial towards it.

Biker47 · 06/09/2018 13:45

Yeah, I just wouldn't mention it to her again. She sounds controlling.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 06/09/2018 13:45

YANBU. She's promised you this golden egg for years and now it's finally here it hasn't hatched for you. You're bound to be upset. You just don't do that to people.

Oliversmumsarmy · 06/09/2018 13:46

I would be telling her not to bother and refuse to listen to what she is spending the money on.

I would keep repeating that it is her money so she can do with it what she wants to if she ever makes out it is anything to do with you.

I wouldn’t want anything that meant she had a hold over you.

Your friend is right. Very controlling. Keeps you dangling with promises

Rafflesway · 06/09/2018 13:46

Good God! What is wrong with the woman?

I am old enough to have a 40 yr old daughter and, in your situation, no way could I sit by and see her struggle.

Yes very controlling —and bloody nasty— behaviour IMO. 😡

Mitzimaybe · 06/09/2018 13:46

That's horrible of her. Like you say, if she hadn't promised it you wouldn't have expected anything but as she has consistently promised it then it's shitty to now refuse. Even if she lent you the £5k, you could repay her at say £250 a month which would leave you £100 per month better off and save you a lot of interest on the high-rate loan.

I'd be upset in your position but think that your friend is right and the only thing you can do now is to put it out of your mind and carry on as you are doing, and refuse to engage with your mum when she tries to draw you in.

Lucisky · 06/09/2018 13:46

When you lent her money some time ago, did she pay it back? If not, you would be entitled to ask for that as she is now in funds. It is her money though, although she has been unkind and controlling in raising your expectations and then dashing them. For peace of mind I would just let it go and carry on as you are. Also don't allow her to draw you in to money related conversations.
One other thought - perhaps she didn't receive the really large amount she was expecting?

Mrsmadevans · 06/09/2018 13:47

I think she is being very cruel and l am sad for you and your DC.
I don't know what the answer is but I don't think you can rely on having anything from her in the near future. TBH she sounds horrible.

LegoandiPads · 06/09/2018 13:47

That is just shit of her. So unkind.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 06/09/2018 13:48

She knows youre struggling and she's sitting on all that money. I'm sorry but if you love someone and you're able to of course you'd do anything for them.
Mind you i can't stand the sight of my sister

timeisnotaline · 06/09/2018 13:48

Ugh. From your own mother. It must be very disappointing but I too recommend not mentioning it again. Cut her off when she does - re investments ‘it’s your money and you need to decide where it goes’ nothing else.
I too wonder did she repay the money you gave her?

Bluelady · 06/09/2018 13:48

What an awful way to behave. Why do people do this? Especially to the people they're supposed to love.

Mitzimaybe · 06/09/2018 13:49

Oh and as a PP upthread has said, unless she transfers some of this money to you now, it could all be taken to pay for care when she gets older, so you would never see a penny of it.

JumblieGirl · 06/09/2018 13:49

It’s unfair of her to play headgames and tease you, but yes it is her money to do with as she wishes. She is choosing to be manipulative, and for your own happiness, you need to break her hold.
Having been in a similar position, the best response is to cheerfully and firmly shut down any conversation about it after her first sentence. It will drive her up the wall, make it clear that it’s her money and you don’t want to discuss it. But do it with a smile, as if the entire topic is irrelevant, and keep doing it. I found that the entertainment softened my disappointment and irritation at the attempt to make me dance to their tune.

thecatsthecats · 06/09/2018 13:50

YANBU, how horrible.

It was bad enough when my mum went on for YEARS about how they'd help us out 'substantially' with our deposit (including, largely, telling other people that in our presence), but refused to put a number on it when asked (I never started the conversation by the way...).

Fine, don't commit yourself to a number. But don't dangle money in someone's face for years like that. Say 'I'd love to help and will if I can.' IF you're asked.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 06/09/2018 13:51

sorry posted too soon acidentally.
As I was saying. I can't stand the sight of my sister mist of the time even the sound of her voice makes me growl,at times.
However not even over my dead body would I ever see her in need.

longwayoff · 06/09/2018 13:51

Power, power, power. Irresistible, she just cant help herself.. Dont mention it to her again. Dont discuss anything to do with money with her again. Just tell yourself theres no money and sort yourself out. She now has the capacity to make everyone very unhappy. Dont give her the pleasure.

billybagpuss · 06/09/2018 13:52

That’s a shitty way to behave when she’d promised.

I know you can’t afford to , but honestly if you can I’d tell her not to bother. If it comes begrudgingly it’s not worth the emotional crap that comes with it.

3 years it will be gone, next month it’s 2 years 11 months you can do this.

JumblieGirl · 06/09/2018 13:53

I like the idea of keeping the cash for her care home...

Hbcb333 · 06/09/2018 13:53

Im a 40 year old single mum too, in the same amount of debt so I can totally relate - My dad has done pretty much exactly this, inherited 500k, offered to buy me a house, waited till I was about to put an offer in then changed his mind. Offered to fund me through a masters, I worked hard, was offered a place on the course then he changed his mind. It’s shit, it really is and I wonder whether it’s a power/control thing. All you can do is rely on yourself, you’ll clear the debt eventually, but I know exactly how you feel - it’s not as though we asked for the money in the first place, it was offered!! And the thing that really hurts is that it affects my young dd, who was looking forward to having a garden, and I could have earned a lot more as a result of doing the masters which would have of course benefitted her too.

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