Money Promised now back tracking

[mamawoo]

My DM has known for the last few years that she would be coming into some money this year. It is a 6 figure amount. I have never expected nor asked for any of this money.

My DM however has had various different opinions on what to do with this money. There was the time she said she would use it to buy me a house, told me she would give it to me as it is my inheritance, told my children they and I would all have new cars, have holiday of a lifetime etc etc many times over the years. One thing that has been consistent is that she would pay my debt. This isn’t a huge amount around 6k and hasn’t been from flashy living etc I am a single mum with 4 children who works full time and just trying to keep afloat. Some of this is from my divorce etc. I am making repayments and in 3 years it will all be gone. The 5k is over a few different creditors.

So DM received her money 4 weeks ago and hasn’t mentioned anything about this money thing. She has made herself debt free, bought herself a new car and having some cosmetic work done. She has told my DSs several times how she will make my life easier ensure I have more cash each month and get myself and them new cars.

I spoke with my DM about this money as I don’t want cars, holidays etc it is HER money to spend as she so wishes but she has promised the debt thing every time I have cried over money or being short of money or having to choose between food and bills etc as it will free up £350 a month for me to be debt free (my XH left me with really bad credit rating and I needed to get a Loan which is on a really ridiculous APR) When I mentioned about her promise to pay the debt she flat out refused. She then said she will need to see all my paperwork and she will pick what she will pay but it will not be all of it.

For clarity when I once come into some money and she asked to borrow a substantial sum I did it in a heartbeat.

I feel really let down and like I am being treated like a child instead of a 40 year old woman. I gave her a brief rundown of what was from what but the Loan which I am desperate to get rid of she refused and picked the two lowest things which make only a small difference to my monthly outgoings and even that was a ‘I will see what I can do’. She even has been texting me asking about investment opportunities and saying how I should have some input as it is technically my money.

My friend thinks this is controlling behaviour and i should tell her to not worry. I feel like I am being grabby and disappointed at the same time. Please all know I do know it is her money to do with what she wants but she has promised me debt free living. I feel grabby even typing this…

AIBU or is she?

I personally wouldn't mention anything about your debts but I would give her a lecture about promises she has made to your children and not followed though with.

Tbh she sounds like an awful person. 6k sounds like such a piddly amount of money to her that could make a huge difference to you. My mother would give me the shirt off her back if it made my life in any way easier.

I also agree with allowing her to hoard her money for her nursing home bill.

That’s bad. It might be simply that now she has the money it doesn’t seem such a good idea to give it away.

I know someone who was due a big insurance payout and he bragged about it for months beforehand. He said he was going to take a big group of friends on holiday and treat everyone. When the money finally came through nobody got as much as a single drink and it was never mentioned again.

It might be simply that now she has the money it doesn’t seem such a good idea to give it away.

There's a term for this in behavioral economics. It's called the endowment effect. Simply put, people value things more once they actually have them. Possession makes the idea of losing something more painful.

To have and to hold

(In that story I was one of the friends btw!)

She even has been texting me asking about investment opportunities and saying how I should have some input as it is technically my money

What does this mean, that it’s technically your money? Do you own it, legally?

I guess it is hard to swallow as I can never imagine ever doing that to any of my DC.

Thankfully my DC are all in their teen years and all said they do not want anything from their GM so they are not worried about cars and holidays.

The ones that can drive have cars and don't need fancy upgrades.

I am contemplating saying about having a loan and repaying it and equally saying go shove it!

Mum,

I am disappointed that you promised to give me some money to make my life and that of my children easier and paying my debt off for me would certainly do that.

I will get over it and carry on with clearing this debt over the next three years. This money is your money to spend as you like and I respect your right to do whatever you like with it. However, I would ask you to stop asking my opinion on investments and to stop saying that technically it is my money as this is not true and I find it hurtful.

With all my love ....

The money is from a property sale not an inheritance.

@H1dingInSight it is not my money it is hers, she meant that as she refers to it as my inheritance money. She always says it is mine or technically mine although it is hers and nothing to do with me.

Technically it is her nursing homes money of she doesn't spend it

Next time she’s says it why not counter with “If you really mean it when you say it isn’t technically mine then why is not possible to use it to pay off my debt?”

I would walk away from it - it's about control

next time she brings it up, brush it off and change the subject

you're doing really well paying the debt yourself, keep going you will do it in the end and you will have a massive sense of achievement

Juells
The meanness of some family members that I read about here on MN is jaw-dropping. Does it not completely destroy family harmony?
For me, our family relationship is now very fractured. I feel quite worthless in comparison to my siblings. My sister understands that I feel like crap, and talked to my Dad and stepmum without my knowledge. My stepmum put across that they had come to visit me in the U.K. from Australia, and then the three of us had travelled through Europe. I’ve lived in Europe for 15 years, so I’ve seen everything they wanted to see - I was escorting them on their request and paid for my meals, flights and accommodation as they weren’t confident to travel by themselves. So their trips have cost me almost 5k plus lost wages as I was self employed. I did it willingly, but now I feel like a fool. Whenever I go home only one of my siblings takes time off to spend with me - parents still work. Last time to add insult to injury, my Dad and stepmum decided on the spur of the moment to go visit her family 3hrs drive away for the only weekend I was in the country. It felt like giant f* you. This was only reinforced this year when in a forgiving moment I commented to Dad that I might get a cheap flight home since it’s my 40th and he told me not to bother as everyone’s too busy.

So the moral of my long and slightly irrelevant story OP, if someone wants to give you a large financial gift, they will do so willingly without playing games. If they want to taunt you with it, walk away with your head held high. Tell her you’re not interested in discussing investments as you’re busy investing in your family’s future.

It is controlling or hypocritical virtue signalling. Regardless, it's obvious that she has changed her mind/is judging you and YANBU to feel hurt - it's your mum!

I have a good relationship with my parents (only child) and it would still take an awful lot for me to ask for their financial help (although they are well off) since I don't want any strings which it inevitably comes with.

In your shoes, see whether she's amenable to an interest free loan for x years. We asked my parents for an interest free loan of £6K payable over 2 years to help us with a house deposit (back in the day). I didn't want them to gift it because I didn't want or feel that I needed their approval over any of our life choices. We duly set up a D/D to pay it back within that period.

My MIL is similar but since we have low expectations of her anyway, I'm more of the view of I'll believe it when I see it! More distance also helps. It's just not worth the emotional stress. Don't rely on her to pay your debts - when push came to shove, she didn't mean it unconditionally.

She's being unreasonable and a bitch too. I have a DM like this, so I reckon she is (if not exactly enjoying) certainly watching with interest and waiting to see if you will ask for the money that she already promised you. Mean, selfish, suspicious, controlling, all of that.

I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of asking her or mentioning the money (though it is one strategy - get it out of the way). Either way, if I were you I would distance myself considerably. I certainly wouldn't entertain conversations about what she might do with her money - fucking cosmetic surgery (says it all). Just say you have to go, the bailiffs are at the door (just kidding, maybe not). She might give you some money at some point, maybe, but it could be a while down the line, and don't rely on it.

I feel quite angry about your situation on your behalf OP - possibly partly because it is the sort of thing my mother would do and has done.

The "controlling" thing - really rings bells with me. But I also don't really get it. What the are these parents trying to control? I'm not for sale so I'm not controllable that way so whats the point? Same with the "power" thing. Power - in what way - to lord it over me? Ugh, pathetic. Whats wrong with these people?

Forget the money. Let her stew in hers. Take the high road. Create plenty of distance. She might give you some money at some point - once she finds out you're not for sale (irony). Or she might not. Don't give the matter any more of your time or energy. Good luck.

Re-read your original post OP. She flat out refused already? Then she offerred to pay the tiniest part of the loan after insisting on seeing the "paperwork". Tell her to do one.

What are you like with money? Do you have a history of frittering. What were your debts from? I know you said marriage but what exactly?

Personally I’d tell her that you’re a grown woman and she can give you what ever amount she sees fit but you’re not going to give her a breakdown of debt details as you’re not 9.

Why on earth did she say she was going to do something then not do it?

I can't bloody stand folk who do that!! And you find them everywhere albeit not always in such sensitive situations.

Nasty and controlling.

Of course it’s hers to do as she wants with, but to come into over £100k and not help her child who is in need... it’s unbelievable.

OP - keep your dignity and never bring up the money again. If she brings it up shut her down, and if she says that stupid ‘it’s technically yours’ business tell her it’s clearly not as you have no control over it and you no longer want to talk about it.

Ever since we were little girls my mother has tried to control my sister and I with 'her money'. (She had only had part time low pay jobs, it was my dad who made a lot of money). When my dad wasn't listening she'd tell us she was giving it to this charity or this charity - but not to us, and I would tell her I hoped whichever charity did get the money because they deserved it. She even tried it on my son when he was in England, which shocked him as he didn't grow up around her and is not used to such nastiness.

She even pitted my sister and I against each other - my sister is greedy and it worked on her. My parents will stated their money would be split 50-50 between my sister and I. Anyway my father died without any nursing home fees at all but she has been in a nursing home for years - and that is who is getting the all money. (lol) I really wish the home for retired pit ponies got the money as she 'threatened' years ago.

She's still in the nursing home and I'm 65 yrs old and doing well financially.

It's all about control.

My mother did this to me. Jump through this hoop and you will get this. Never to materialise. My brother got himself into terrible financial difficulty through stupidity and she bailed him. A couple of years earlier dh and I got into difficulties partly caused by my brother and I was told to get a better paid job.

One example of a similar promise was when she promised me her old banger when she upgraded then sold it. When I asked where the car was she said she’d decided whatever I’d managed to save from my job she’d match it for a better one. Except I’d only saved a few hundred as for once in my life I had some spare cash to do some nice things and buy some nice books, a few clothes, explore the country where I was living a little. This was after I’d spent over £100 coming to see her (which was a lot of money 25+ years ago). So I lived on the bare minimum for the next 3 months and produced just over 1k. I showed her the money then she acted like I was the most ungrateful cow on the planet for asking. No car obviously.

This is definitely a power trip. Since then my mother has been a lot more than generous with money. But it has been on her terms and when I haven’t actually needed the money. She still goes on about how expensive I was as a student when actually I lived very frugally. My rent was peanuts in comparison to that, which students pay today. Think no central heating, threadbare carpets etc. Yes, she paid a certain amount but I had to take a loan in the first year and worked like a Trojan in the holidays thereafter to subsidise my “grant”.

I now know her and tell her not to promise anything albeit she adamantly insists that she will definitely do x. She did it a few years ago over a holiday and I softly enquired if anything was happening as dh would have needed to book it off at work only to have my head bitten off. Apparently she hadn’t promised at all. Nooooo only 6/7 times to which I replied not to do so.

Someone upthread said about not being made welcome in Australia. This is the sort of nonwelcome I receive from her. Dh and I were having problems many years ago and I’d driven over 1000 miles to stay with her. She couldn’t even bother to come to the door or offer me a drink. Entertaining guests (who lived in the same town) was far more important. It was just tea and biscuits and I was in the way. I was told I was rude for not immediately coming in to see them as I chose to unpack my car to compose myself. Yes, me, a married woman being spoken to like that.

The only thing you can do with your mother is distance yourself sadly.

I'm sorry OP You are entitled to your feelings but not entitled to her money. It is pretty shitty of her to dangle that money though and promise so many times and then rescind that promise later especially when you so desperately need it. I'd say stop being so generous with her next time. Don't lend her cash in the future. If she never intended to help then she shouldn't have made those ridiculous promises over and over. She probably did that to control you.

Take what you can get OP and then go VVLC with her.

Agree that it’s all about control. Don’t ask her again. If she brings it up, change the subject
The irony is that if she sees that you are not bothered she will probably give you the money

I'd take nothing. It'll take three years for you to pay off your own debts. That sucks and it will be tough, but you keep your self respect. To request bills to decide what to pay- controlling and manipulative. I'm sorry that the help you thought you'd get isn't forthcoming, but I wouldn't accept it unless there were no strings and that doesn't sound too likely .

I am so sorry to all those who have experienced similar and worse at the hands of their parents! I can't name check as there is just too many, thank you for sharing your stories.

I am already NC with my DF so I know how it feels. He is a toxic person so I guess I got a short straw of parents.

I wonder if as DM is completely alone she feels that She has to act like this to keep me running around etc. Who knows. I have decided to not mention the money and if she brings it up to say I am not interested it's her money to do with as she wants. I can hold my head high and know that I am better then her as I would give my children anything I had it it would make things easier for them.

I am not sure who it was upthread who said about what the debts are from, I have been a single mum for 10 years and work full time child care, food, high living costs (I do not live in a huge palace by any stretch) fixing the car when it's gone wrong, plus some from when my XH left that he hadn't paid which were for him but solely in my name. This was the one that I consolidated with another large payment as I literally couldn't afford them but my credit rating was already damaged so have a smallish loan with over double in interest. I have learnt my lesson with that one.

She is cruel and controlling. The refusing to help when she promised on a loan which you are paying interest on is nasty. Its spiteful behaviour. She is dangling carrots, or pretending too, then whisking thrm away.

Talk about ruining trust and showing how much you value someone. The fact she has done it to your dc too is unforgivable. Does she not think her relationship with them won't suffer.

Could you pull right back with lc? If she tries to talk about the money just shut her down and suggest she saves it for help when she's elderly.