Money Promised now back tracking

[mamawoo]

My DM has known for the last few years that she would be coming into some money this year. It is a 6 figure amount. I have never expected nor asked for any of this money.

My DM however has had various different opinions on what to do with this money. There was the time she said she would use it to buy me a house, told me she would give it to me as it is my inheritance, told my children they and I would all have new cars, have holiday of a lifetime etc etc many times over the years. One thing that has been consistent is that she would pay my debt. This isn’t a huge amount around 6k and hasn’t been from flashy living etc I am a single mum with 4 children who works full time and just trying to keep afloat. Some of this is from my divorce etc. I am making repayments and in 3 years it will all be gone. The 5k is over a few different creditors.

So DM received her money 4 weeks ago and hasn’t mentioned anything about this money thing. She has made herself debt free, bought herself a new car and having some cosmetic work done. She has told my DSs several times how she will make my life easier ensure I have more cash each month and get myself and them new cars.

I spoke with my DM about this money as I don’t want cars, holidays etc it is HER money to spend as she so wishes but she has promised the debt thing every time I have cried over money or being short of money or having to choose between food and bills etc as it will free up £350 a month for me to be debt free (my XH left me with really bad credit rating and I needed to get a Loan which is on a really ridiculous APR) When I mentioned about her promise to pay the debt she flat out refused. She then said she will need to see all my paperwork and she will pick what she will pay but it will not be all of it.

For clarity when I once come into some money and she asked to borrow a substantial sum I did it in a heartbeat.

I feel really let down and like I am being treated like a child instead of a 40 year old woman. I gave her a brief rundown of what was from what but the Loan which I am desperate to get rid of she refused and picked the two lowest things which make only a small difference to my monthly outgoings and even that was a ‘I will see what I can do’. She even has been texting me asking about investment opportunities and saying how I should have some input as it is technically my money.

My friend thinks this is controlling behaviour and i should tell her to not worry. I feel like I am being grabby and disappointed at the same time. Please all know I do know it is her money to do with what she wants but she has promised me debt free living. I feel grabby even typing this…

AIBU or is she?

How awful of her. Fine if it's her money and she wants to spend it on herself - but to promise to pay the debt and then be awkward about it. And on top, ask you about investment because it's 'technically your money' too.

Absolutely controlling. I think I would refuse to discuss ANY aspect of that money at all with her. The debt, the investment, everything.

I'd be super hurt if I were you too. But don't play her games anymore and leave her to it.

You never know, if she thinks you're not bothered anymore she may come through with what she promised in the first place...

I never understand these parents who don’t want to help their kids.
What is wrong with people?
I feel for you op. I would just distance myself. She just wants to use this money to control you.

Well now you know where you stand. And I am guessing it has made you feel pretty shite. Awful behavior on your mother's part.

Now you know where you stand, now you know what to do.

Has she repaid you the loan you gave her? If not, she needs to pay it back.

If she has then I am afraid my pride wouldn't allow me to mention it again. You'll have to struggle on - but know it was your mum who broke her promise.

Don't engage in any future conversation with her - it's not even worth discussing her investment options. This is about control and I am guessing another carrot she thinks she can hold out to you. How do you know it would be your money in the future? She didn't keep her word now. And that is basically what this is about - breach of trust.

This would reshape my attitude to the relationship going forward. I'd be looking out for myself first and deprioritizing her. And she deserves no better.

Some people are like that they say one thing then do another and the thing is it's up to them so you can't really get upset. My way is to just ignore it because then you can't be disappointed. There's nothing to hold over you and there's nothing to get excited about. Your relationship is based on what is real and nothing else.

I have a relative who says an a regular basis your getting my house in the will (even though Iv told them that it's entirely their decision and see them because we're family for any other reason!)
The likelihood is I'll not get anything, I probably won't even get mentioned and that is completely fine by me! As difficult as they can be I see them because I love them and that's the only reason. I think actually the relative says it as a way of control, love me and treat me well and one day.... but the other side is I can take this away at any time.

I think your friend is very wise.

Horrible for your mum to leave you dangling and taunt you with it. She may well actually want to give it to you at the end of the day but your friend is right, don't reward her behaviour. You may find she comes back to you and helps when she realises there's no fun left in the game.

That is so bloody cruel of her, I'm sorry OP. The best thing you can do is detach, I know it's hard when the offers coming to fruition would make a huge change to your life, my parents spent my whole teens promising this and that if I did as they wanted, none of it ever materialised and they are millionaires so could well afford it. You will only end up driving yourself mad if you dwell on it, I struggle with thinking that in their position I would be doing anything I could to help but you can't change selfish people. There isn't really a solution, you can try to sit down and discuss things with her - bringing up that the money may well be taken for elderly care as a pp suggested might be a way to make her see that it would be better for everyone if she helped you now, but you can't force it.

I can't believe how horrible she's being :( I'd do anything to save my DDs stress, especially when the stress isn't of their own making. £350 a month makes a huge difference when you're struggling.

In your shoes I don't think I'd be able to see her any more. Not being nasty, but I'd have such resentment at her tomfoolery of getting all the kudos over the years of promising to do this that and the other, then pulling the control shit when it came time to part with the money. It's all about control. Even if she did finally, reluctantly, pay off some of your debts she'd hold it over you forever.

I would not talk about her money or your debt again, distance yourself from her from now on.

She is using her money as a way to control and humiliate you, she waved around her options for months before and effectively taunting you with it. She is making you suffer and your children peddling out false hopes of lovely holidays and a debt free life.

So yes she can do what she likes with her money of course - but she not be misleading and humiliating you in the process.

This kind behaviour would permanently rupture the good relations I had with a family member. Relegate her.

Hbcb333

Did the relationship with your F ever recover?

Really mean. Sorry OP.

I’m in an almost similar position. My Dad made a big fuss over giving us kids a contribution to our house deposits when we brought our homes. My two siblings got theirs, but when it was my turn, his funds were in term deposit and I was told to wait a year. I broached it two years later (we had brought by this stage, but we wanted to put towards IVF), and it was dismissed as “We’d talk about it later”. I then found out my stepbrother was given his deposit money shortly after I broached it. I’m hurt as it was promised but at least ours was a (very) nice to have, rather than your very scary financial situation, so you have my sympathy .

Sorry two things for clarity - I have 6k debt the 5k was a typo.

She did pay me back at £200 a month but as it wasn't in one lump sum it got swallowed by monthly bills.

Thank you all, everyone has echoed the same thoughts as a couple of my friends it helps to hear others thinking the same way, gives some perspective.

Would she agree to lend you the money to pay off your debts so that you are not paying off high interest rates as well? Have you reminded her of how you did her a favour before when you inherited?

I think I would try to have a really straightforward and honest conversation with her, without getting emotional (hard!) Put it to her straight - look Mum, you've been promising to pay off my debts for years, and I'm really disappointed that you're not going to do that for me. I know it's your money, and that's fine, but I did help you out when I inherited that time. Could you maybe lend me the money so that I can save on interest and pay you back when I can afford to? And please stop promising things to my kids if you're not actually going to provide them.

If she says no, then accept it gracefully. If she then keeps talking about her money and what she is spending it on - Mum, in light of your decision not to help me out financially, it's pretty insensitive of you to carry on talking about this stuff. Could we change the subject please?

If she carries on, leave or ask her to leave and don't see her again for a good long while. She is being horrible, but she's got the cash, so in your shoes, I'd hang on for a while longer and try to get hold of it...

YANBU. Personally I can never imagine spending loads of money on luxuries when my DD was struggling with four kids and had debt that sad of course she's entitled to do that if she chooses. To tell you she'll clear your debt and not do it though is awful. At the very least surely she could pay it off and you pay her back (rather than paying interest on the loan as you are now).

NotTheQueen

The meanness of some family members that I read about here on MN is jaw-dropping. Does it not completely destroy family harmony?

She sounds toxic.

She's mean and hasnt kept her word. I bet deep down you aren't really surprised.
This is one of the reasons my GPS put their gks in their will and left us all a largish sum of money to make sure we benefited.

I don't know if it is as simple as some here are implying.
The DM wants to give people cars but the people want debts want debts cleared. Maybe DM feels that the debts are not all her side of the family as in the EXH ran up some of the debts not her own DD.
The DM has the choice of what she wants to pay for and OP and others can choose to accept or not. Sometimes people get things so fixed in the head that they cant see things any other way.
Maybe the DM feels that she is under pressure to give money and that is not a nice feeling. The suggestion that the OP should go no contact with the DM would just confirm the views of many a DM that their only purpose is to provide money.

This is a difficult situation which I do know things about, I have lived the experience, it is such a shame that it comes down to money.

Do you think you could ask her to pay off your loan and you will set up a direct debit to repay her. At least you won't be paying the huge interest.

In that case User, DM should just shut up about the whole subject.

Dash38 I have thought of this too as years ago that was how she repaid me monthly - I need to think it through before I ask something like that as I am torn to just say look don't worry about it.

Technically nothing has changed I am paying it off and it will be paid off in a few years. One thing finishes next year and my plan is to use that extra money to clear something else quicker etc so the plan is in place and that hasn't changed. Its all being managed and nothing is default.

It’s easy to talk about what you will do with money until you get it but having the cold hard cash in your hand is a different matter, it changes people and quite often not for the better. Your mum has made you false promises and I understand why you are disappointed with her.
But as a pp said,keep your dignity and don’t mention it again.

User02 We are not getting the new cars or the holidays etc so it isn't that she wants to now spend the money solely on that.

So she prioritises cosmetic work over the wellbeing of her daughter and GC. She sounds like a spiteful bitch to be perfectly honest. I would NEVER in a million years see either of my kids struggle to make ends meet while I was living it up getting a bloody face lift or whatever.

Tell her to shove it somewhere safe for her carers. Vile behaviour and you have a right to be upset. Tell her to shut her fucking mouth next time she mentions the money, HER money as she has made so perfectly clear.

If I were you, I'd not let her pay those smaller bills, if she actually will.If it's not going to make a difference for you, then don't let her absolve herself by doing basically nothing for you.

I think your DM is being awful. If she had suddenly decided that she didn't want to help you as she had originally stated, then she would have shut up about it (as any decent person would be rather embarrassed). But the fact that she's STILL going on about her wealth - asking you for input on investments - shows that she still wants to talk about it, kind of rubbing your face in it. If she's not going to help you - and it was all her idea in the first place - then I think every time she mentioned money I would cut her off. She has dangled a massive financial carrot under your and your DCs noses, and has now seemingly changed her mind, without having the decency to admit it and explain why. I couldn't be planning cosmetic procedures knowing my DD was struggling financially. Money changes people, and not usually for the better.