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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Money Promised now back tracking

104 replies

mamawoo · 06/09/2018 13:36

My DM has known for the last few years that she would be coming into some money this year. It is a 6 figure amount. I have never expected nor asked for any of this money.

My DM however has had various different opinions on what to do with this money. There was the time she said she would use it to buy me a house, told me she would give it to me as it is my inheritance, told my children they and I would all have new cars, have holiday of a lifetime etc etc many times over the years. One thing that has been consistent is that she would pay my debt. This isn’t a huge amount around 6k and hasn’t been from flashy living etc I am a single mum with 4 children who works full time and just trying to keep afloat. Some of this is from my divorce etc. I am making repayments and in 3 years it will all be gone. The 5k is over a few different creditors.

So DM received her money 4 weeks ago and hasn’t mentioned anything about this money thing. She has made herself debt free, bought herself a new car and having some cosmetic work done. She has told my DSs several times how she will make my life easier ensure I have more cash each month and get myself and them new cars.

I spoke with my DM about this money as I don’t want cars, holidays etc it is HER money to spend as she so wishes but she has promised the debt thing every time I have cried over money or being short of money or having to choose between food and bills etc as it will free up £350 a month for me to be debt free (my XH left me with really bad credit rating and I needed to get a Loan which is on a really ridiculous APR) When I mentioned about her promise to pay the debt she flat out refused. She then said she will need to see all my paperwork and she will pick what she will pay but it will not be all of it.

For clarity when I once come into some money and she asked to borrow a substantial sum I did it in a heartbeat.

I feel really let down and like I am being treated like a child instead of a 40 year old woman. I gave her a brief rundown of what was from what but the Loan which I am desperate to get rid of she refused and picked the two lowest things which make only a small difference to my monthly outgoings and even that was a ‘I will see what I can do’. She even has been texting me asking about investment opportunities and saying how I should have some input as it is technically my money.

My friend thinks this is controlling behaviour and i should tell her to not worry. I feel like I am being grabby and disappointed at the same time. Please all know I do know it is her money to do with what she wants but she has promised me debt free living. I feel grabby even typing this…

AIBU or is she?

OP posts:
RibbonAurora · 06/09/2018 14:33

I feel for you OP and if it were my kids I'd want them to pay off their debts before anything else. Cars, houses and holidays are easy to offer when a person is waiting on a windfall but strangely often don't materialise once the person has the cash in hand. I'm sorry you feel so letdown by your DM, OP, I'd feel the same but you really have to put this under 'pie in the sky' - you never had it and you've managed to get by so far without it, don't let her dangle it like a carrot using vague promises of future benefits to control you. If she mentions it again just say 'yeah, mum, I've told you what I need but it's your money so you do whatever you want with it but please don't bring it up again I don't want to know'.

eddielizzard · 06/09/2018 14:34

Who would do this to anyone, let alone their kids?! Awful behaviour. I'm afraid I'd refuse to discuss it in future. She's not dealing with it very well at all.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 06/09/2018 14:38

Tell her to fuck off. When she starts spouting off telling everybody how she's going to help you out, make sure everybody is under no illusion that she is a tight controlling bitch.

She must be a shit mum anyway, this behaviour doesn't come from nowhere. You want the best for your kids, well any normal mother would.

Juells · 06/09/2018 14:38

If I were you, I'd not let her pay those smaller bills, if she actually will.If it's not going to make a difference for you, then don't let her absolve herself by doing basically nothing for you

I wouldn't either, as it won't be of much benefit to you but she'll then have bragging rights and rub your nose in it all the time.

BasicUsername · 06/09/2018 14:41

Don't let her pay the smaller debts. She will lord it over you forever.

It sounds like she is kind of rubbing your face in it with her going on about investments etc.

She sounds horrible.

CaMePlaitPas · 06/09/2018 14:42

This is really mean, I'm so sorry OP but like a pp said, don't count on the money until it's in your hands. I would be inclined to say something, how dare she call you up talking about "investment opportunities" because it's technically "your money too"... You are not being unreasonable. Good luck OP.

MissConductUS · 06/09/2018 14:44

She does sound like she's being horrible about this.

Some of this certainly comes from power and control, but she she may have also over promised what she could do for you and others.

Hbcb333 · 06/09/2018 14:44

@Juells

The relationship was poor before this, for various reasons, so although I was upset I wasn’t really surprised

Rafflesway · 06/09/2018 14:55

Definitely agree with pp's! Don't let her cover the small debts as you will never hear the end of it and for the pittance difference it will make to you it just isn't worth it. 😟

User02 · 06/09/2018 14:57

Jumbliegirl - If it was me as DM I would not be talking about any money dealings. That is just bad manners.
Mamawoo - Seems DM might have made other decisions now. Could be that she is being advised be someone on what to do with her money and it could be by a dubious person. This could be the case and should be checked on. Also this depends on DM age. (Experienced this). There are tons of people who are keen to offload ladies of their funds.
Another thing is where did the money come from? (not asking for info) Perhaps the original owner of the money had made stipulations if it is Willed money. If it is Willed money why did the original owner not make provision for you and the DCs. Again not asking just want you to think it through as other thoughts

RockinHippy · 06/09/2018 15:00

My own DM did this, only the money was left to GFs kids to share out amongst us grandkids, GF told me this himself. Which did happen with my cousins.

Same sort of promises over & over & over. I was buying a house at the time too & my new address was blacklisted, meaning I couldn't get a bridging loan for new bathrooms & kitchen until the mortgage cleared. I had no kitchen sink & the grimmest run down bathroom to do everything in, yet despite her offers & promises, I never saw a penny, she bought me a washing machine in a ridiculous dark green colour she liked, that didn't match my kitchen & then went on Viv Nichols style spending spree & blew the lot as it was "dirty money" DB did okay though

It is absolutely, definitely, without doubt controlling & nasty. I like the comments about telling her to save it for a nursing home & tell her why, it's not grabby, she's trying to control you with a carrot. Take it off her & forget the money, it will only drive you made

PoisonousSmurf · 06/09/2018 15:00

The more people promise to give you money, the less likely they are to do so. Act as if you don't care.
The more you mention it, the more she'll ignore you and go on about what she is doing!
Don't give her the satisfaction of crawling for it. She'll need it soon enough for her own needs, at least then you won't have to fork out for care homes.

LanaorAna2 · 06/09/2018 15:01

Spiteful and mean. That's a big, nasty thing to do. You must be so hurt, Flowers.

There's not much you can do about it. Tell everyone, however, because at the very least people need to know in case she does it again.

She will try it again. Probably on you, so just say 'Everyone knows you don't help family. Let's change the subject.' You're busy at Xmas, by the way.

trojanpony · 06/09/2018 15:04

A 6 figure sum of money and she is making you jump through hoops over £6k she repeatedly promised she’d help you out with...

Not cool. She is being very unreasonable.

I’d be keeping my distance and having no opinion at all about her sodding “investment portfolio”.

trojanpony · 06/09/2018 15:06

Also this.

If I were you, I'd not let her pay those smaller bills, if she actually will.If it's not going to make a difference for you, then don't let her absolve herself by doing basically nothing for you

No doubt she’ll be wandering around making out she lady bountiful to anyone who listen

PoisonousSmurf · 06/09/2018 15:07

And as someone else said, make sure you are far too busy to have HER and HER money over for Xmas.

BoomBoomsCousin · 06/09/2018 15:08

If you are actually managing and your dc isn’t suffering because of the debt you have I agree with the others about holding your head high and refusing any help from her should she actually come through with anything. I would cut down contact with her. The way she’s controlling you she does not hold you in her heart. Next time she talks about spending money on you and your DC just nod and say something like “Of course you are mum.” and roll your eyes. If she says it in front of your DC remind him not to believe it as Grandma keeps saying things she doesn’t mean about gifts and not to get his hopes up.i would be very up front with her about how awful her behaviour is in general and especially around a child and tell her I wasn’t proving up her ego anymore.

BoomBoomsCousin · 06/09/2018 15:10

For her investment portfolio forward her some spam email from the son of a Nigerian government official...

LagunaBubbles · 06/09/2018 15:12

What nasty behaviour, it would make me reassess your relationship with her OP.

serbska · 06/09/2018 15:16

Don't let her pay the smaller debts. She will lord it over you forever

This!!!

LillianGish · 06/09/2018 15:26

She doesn't want to give you the money as she doesn't want to hand over control. Awful. Fair enough to keep it all for herself - it's hers to do with as she wishes, but unforgivable to have gone on and on about how she'd clear your debts and then refuse to do so (particularly as you had helped her out when the boot was on the other foot). Next thing she'll be inviting you all on holiday, but on her term so she can be Lady Bountiful and if you mention you'd rather clear your debts she'll be telling you you are ungrateful. Unbelievable that she's still trying to keep up the pretence that it is really your money by asking for your input on investment opportunities. You are not being grabby OP you are being controlled by your DM - if she had really wanted you to have the money she would have given it to you. I would ask her if she'll loan you the £6K on the same basis that you loaned money to her - then I'd forget about it. Otherwise you risk spending the rest of your life kow towing in the hope she chucks a few quid your way while you watch her fritter it away on cosmetic surgery and the like. Just don't do it. YADNBU.

Troels · 06/09/2018 15:38

Take back control. If she brings it up again tell her to save her money so she can pay for her nursing home fees when she's older. Tell her you don't want to borrow money from her or have any gifts of money thank you, you aren't interested in her being a martyr and "saving" you. You will have your bills paid off eventually and you can be proud to say you did it yourself. With no help from anyone.

mamaslatts · 06/09/2018 15:41

Sounds like she is both enjoying the high life and lording it over you. I suspect now she has already had the praise over the years for giving you this money, there is no incentive for her to actually do it. I completely agree, don't let her pay the little bits that make no discernible difference to your life, she will rub your face in it even more and make you feel doubly shitty.

Tell her to go buy a fucking heart.

Cosmos45 · 06/09/2018 15:41

She sounds just like my mum.. and just one of the many reasons I am now NC with her....

DarlingNikita · 06/09/2018 15:43

I think she's on a power trip. I wouldn't engage with her any further about it and meet any questions with a pleasantly vague 'Do what you like' or similar.

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