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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to hate my child at this point and feel calling the police on him again

115 replies

Cheeeeislifenow · 04/09/2018 22:49

New username. My son is 13 He has High functioning autism and I suspect Pathalogical Demand Avoidance. He is very intelligent,smart and as I said his autism is high functioning officially Asperger's syndrome.
He has been the most difficult child I have ever come across in my life. I have had so many interventions from pshycoligists, support workers socai workers etc over the years. He is making life hell for all of us.
His language is appalling he calls me so many names and hits me and kicks and spits. This starts when he doesn't get his own way it feels jealous of his brothers.
I just can't take anymore. My depression is crippling me, he is like an abusive partner that I can never leave. Example: this weekend I had asked him to hang out the washing, he did, and did a poor job of it. Many times I have shown him how to do it. I told him next time could he do it the way I showed him. He started a massive row and ended up hitting me repeatedly and spitting at me. He told me that he the whole family would be happier if I killed myself. I am deeply sad and feel my soul has been slashed.
I have been cold with him and tried to explain why today. I asked him to try and place his self in my shoes. He said I was selfish and should consider his feelings.
I explained as he had hurt me it is up to him to show remorse.
He continued to swear and I sent him to room. He refused to stop making noise as his brothers were asleep. He refused and screamed in my face "when will you stop fucking fighting with me.. ?"I remained calm and left the room, he followed me called me a cunt and a shit mother and slapped me.
I have recently got the police to speak to him and thought perhaps he would stop being physically violent.
Aibu to call the police again? I am afraid if how he is going to turn out. He behaves like an abusive partner in terms of his gaslighting and his attitude towards me.
I really in this moment hate him and hate myself more for thinking it.
We have had this kind of treatment for 7 years from him and I just cannot take any more... Do I call the police? Will they come down very hard on him? I am in Ireland there are no juvenile liason officers until a crime has been committed and child is charged.
Aibu to call the police.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 04/09/2018 22:51

Wheres his father?

Thehop · 04/09/2018 22:52

YANBU at all. Ring them x

Jimdandy · 04/09/2018 22:53

I would call Social Services and ask them if they can arrange some sort of respite care for you. Other than that I don’t have any advice sorry

PleaseLetItBeNapTime · 04/09/2018 22:54

YANBU, his behaviour towards you is appealing and he needs to learn that he can't assault you with no consequences.

C0untDucku1a · 04/09/2018 22:54

Are school any help?

Original poster
Cheeeeislifenow · 04/09/2018 22:55

He has a poor relationship with his dad. I feel that his dad had given up on him to be honest.
His dad I suspect is also on the spectrum they clash massively. Dh is not abusive to me.
I feel like a referee.

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 04/09/2018 22:55

I don’t know how it works in Ireland but would social services be better? You’re going through a lot, I’m sending unMumsnetty hugs

keefthebeef · 04/09/2018 22:57

I work with challenging teenagers and you need support. Have you read Warrick Dyer - Mercurys's child? Goggle him and watch the videos and read this book - his techniques really work. www.amazon.co.uk/Mercurys-Child-Warwick-Dyer/dp/1601452624?tag=mumsnetforum-21

You need some respite. Is there anyone that can help shirt term?

Flowers
Original poster
Cheeeeislifenow · 04/09/2018 22:57

He is perfectly pleasant in school. Currently on waiting list for yet another intervention from a family support charity,school will be involved. It will take a few more weeks for that to begin.

OP posts:
ashtrayheart · 04/09/2018 22:57

Call the police and refer yourself to social services.
I was in a similar position years ago with my dd and I had no help until I refused to have her at home as a last resort. In the end she had to be sectioned and is still receiving inpatient care (and our relationship is good now)
I feel for you. It's awful x

keefthebeef · 04/09/2018 22:57

*short

PleaseLetItBeNapTime · 04/09/2018 22:58

*appalling damn it!

Original poster
Cheeeeislifenow · 04/09/2018 22:58

No family around .. respite for me is when he is in school. I am a sahp.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 04/09/2018 22:59

Yes, i
think
Calling the police is a good idea. I have no idea if they will come down hard on him, but you could explain that you just want them
To be the authority from figue and let him know where he stands with criminal responsibility. He needs to curb his behaviour for all your sakes.

So sorry you are going through this opFlowers, as pp suggested can you get respite?
(((((((()))))))))

Original poster
Cheeeeislifenow · 04/09/2018 23:01

Last time I also called social services when I called the police.. they have refferred us to the charity which I am currently waiting on. Not sure if it's different in Ireland but they advised that it's not a child protection issue..so not they're job.

OP posts:
daughterofanarchy · 04/09/2018 23:05

Oh gosh OP, I’ve never been in your situation and so I have no advice on how to approach this, but here to offer a handhold for you!

CanuckBC · 04/09/2018 23:09

Does he have the capability to understand what he is doing is wrong? Does he have any ongoing treatment? Respite is usually outsiders taking your child for the weekend for a few paid by social services. At least to my understanding of respite care. It can be family giving you a break but true respite is people trained in caring for people with special needs or behavioural issues do it.

This does sound blvery typical of out of control mental health/behavioural and police involvement doesn’t always help. I would definitely call social services and ask for help. He shouldn’t be hitting you, cursing you out etc. He may need more diagnosis to fully get the help he needs.

You are not a bad mom. You are in a bad position. I hope you can get the help you need. I would also get your H to get a diagnosis. That will help get the household on a more even keel to help everyone. If your H doesn’t have good coping skills with him it will flare everything up. Your H should be backing you up, not ramping him up. Your son will need different skills and approaches then your other children. Full on won’t work.

negomi90 · 04/09/2018 23:10

Stress the risk to your other boys. Domestic violence is a child protection issue and that's what's happening in your house.

Original poster
Cheeeeislifenow · 04/09/2018 23:15

He is very aware behaviour is wrong and is reserved only for us. He does not want others to know either. Unfortunately DH has no interest in getting diagnosed.
I have been to social services, pshycologists, cahms they have all said heis not depressed and is very much aware that he is in the wrong.
He agrees to everything they say but doesn't engage any coping skills or anger management kills at home!

OP posts:
newmummy0094 · 04/09/2018 23:19

@Cheeeeislifenow
Hello.
I have a friend who was in the exact same position as you. Her son had Aspergers and was very violent.

It took her years to get proper help.

When she got help they realised that a lot of the anger was about not being understood and him not understanding others.
For example the hanging out the washing thing sounds like he misunderstood you. I think he probably thought you were saying it wasn't good enough even though he could have tried hard. If this is the case then that would be why he is getting angry.

With my friends child they suggested three positives for every negative. So you would give three things that he did well and that you are proud of him for then one constructive criticism. However they said don't do this too often. For example the washing would have dried if it was outside so pick you battles wisely. Basically if it's not very important to give him constructive criticism then just give him positives.

Another thing that really helped was cognitive behavioural therapy. The NHS will take ages to provide this so if you could afford it then it's definitely a good idea to private.

I hope this helps.

Original poster
Cheeeeislifenow · 04/09/2018 23:20

Never imagined when having children that life would be like this.... I never thought I would have to call the police on my own son. He literally finds the most cutting things t say. For example I have no relationship with my D's as they were abusive parents. He tells me I deserved it and no wonder they don't love me. It's like he is in my head and knows my insecurities and uses them against me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheeeeislifenow · 04/09/2018 23:24

CBT is not something we have tried... I'll look into it thank you x

OP posts:
DontBuyANewMumAnyLUSHProduce · 04/09/2018 23:29

I am a police officer and I would say do call the police.

Firstly they will hopefully have to complete a safeguarding form for you and your son (and other children) which will get sent to social services, which might help in the long run.
Secondly it will make police, SS, and school aware of his behaviour, in case it escalates.
Lastly (I'm not sure how PDA works and if he can 'choose' his behaviour, so I accept I am ignorant and hope I don't cause offence) it will give him a warning that his behaviour is unacceptable.

Obviously calling the police on him will be very distressing for you but it is not right for you or his siblings.

I am sorry you're going through this.

BlankTimes · 04/09/2018 23:45

I asked him to try and place his self in my shoes
He has HFA, it's highly likely that he may not be able to do that.

High Functioning can so often be misunderstood because academic intelligence is often above average, but it's all the other parts of being autistic that he'll be struggling with, plus likely teen hormones as well.

His behaviour is telling you loud and clear that he's not coping. You cannot parent him like you would parent a NT child and expect him to act like one.

Have you read Ross Greene's' The Explosive Child' or seen his website 'Lives in the Balance'? He gives different parenting techniques which may be useful for you on how to avoid your son being so overwhelmed that he explodes.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 04/09/2018 23:47

I would try the possitive behavioural support approaches first. People with PDA can respond to authority so I might work but it might blow up in your face because he could feel betrayed by you. Do you have any idea where the anger comes from?