Am I being unreasonable to hate my child at this point and feel calling the police on him again

[Cheeeeislifenow]

New username. My son is 13 He has High functioning autism and I suspect Pathalogical Demand Avoidance. He is very intelligent,smart and as I said his autism is high functioning officially Asperger's syndrome.
He has been the most difficult child I have ever come across in my life. I have had so many interventions from pshycoligists, support workers socai workers etc over the years. He is making life hell for all of us.
His language is appalling he calls me so many names and hits me and kicks and spits. This starts when he doesn't get his own way it feels jealous of his brothers.
I just can't take anymore. My depression is crippling me, he is like an abusive partner that I can never leave. Example: this weekend I had asked him to hang out the washing, he did, and did a poor job of it. Many times I have shown him how to do it. I told him next time could he do it the way I showed him. He started a massive row and ended up hitting me repeatedly and spitting at me. He told me that he the whole family would be happier if I killed myself. I am deeply sad and feel my soul has been slashed.
I have been cold with him and tried to explain why today. I asked him to try and place his self in my shoes. He said I was selfish and should consider his feelings.
I explained as he had hurt me it is up to him to show remorse.
He continued to swear and I sent him to room. He refused to stop making noise as his brothers were asleep. He refused and screamed in my face "when will you stop fucking fighting with me.. ?"I remained calm and left the room, he followed me called me a cunt and a shit mother and slapped me.
I have recently got the police to speak to him and thought perhaps he would stop being physically violent.
Aibu to call the police again? I am afraid if how he is going to turn out. He behaves like an abusive partner in terms of his gaslighting and his attitude towards me.
I really in this moment hate him and hate myself more for thinking it.
We have had this kind of treatment for 7 years from him and I just cannot take any more... Do I call the police? Will they come down very hard on him? I am in Ireland there are no juvenile liason officers until a crime has been committed and child is charged.
Aibu to call the police.

Although this is very hard, you need to view his behaviour as an attempt to communicate with you about the fact that he isn't coping. Ross Greene's books are really helpful to understand and develop different ways of communicating with your DS. He also has a book called "Raising Human Beings" which is focussed on the teenage years.

To hopefully help you get a level of understanding about his perspective, you asked him to hang out the laundry, and he did. Then instead of thanking him, you critisised him. He proabably had to try really hard to agree to help with the laundry at all, and if he has ADS he may not have understood that you wanted it done in a specific way.

If you had explained upfront that you wanted him to hang out all the shirts, for example, by putting pegs on the shoulder seams and having all the shirts the right way up with the collar at the top, then he might have done that. But for someone with ASD, the instruction "hang the wahing out" is too vague, and if all the washing is on the line at the end of the job, you probably feel that you've done what you were asked.

About calling the police - that depends on whether you're doing it to get him told off or to try to get help. I expect that a telling off would make matters worse, especially if the police are not generally very understanding of autism and special needs. If it will get you more help, then it woulds like a good idea.

I'm saying that you shouldn't have tried to force an apology out of him. And turned it into a highly charged emotional environment when he failed to comply.

What you are seeing is the expression of the turmoil and anguish he is feeling. He is trying to hurt you to show you how hurt he is feeling inside. It's not a healthy behaviour of his and he has every chance of growing out of it. But that's going to happen in time. He's only thirteen, so he's also dealing with the transition from childhood to adulthood, which is terrifying for anyone. And his hormones will be contributing to his anger too.

You seem to be taking his behaviour very personally. I know that's normal because you care and you're trying your best. I'm not suggesting you are getting it wrong on purpose. But he needs to be treated in a way that will feel counterintuitive to you.

I feel I need to defend myself... The washing is an ongoing job. All the kids have one. I have shown him numerous times how to do it and he can do it and has done lots of times before. But in my opinion he just threw them out all bunched up with no pegs on.
I praised you for doing it and asked if he could remember how I showed him before. I really don't feel that is unreasonable.
I have read the explosive child but I will definitely get raising humans.
I a not sure either the police would help much at this point I feel it might create more resentment at this point but we are getting fuck all help aywehere else.
The washing was in my opinion just a teenager too lasy to do it properly but again to reiterate I praised him and asked if he could next time do it the way I have shown him.

Autistic people feel very strongly about getting things right and doing things the right way. So minor criticisms can feel devastating. So really do try to avoid them unless it's absolutely necessary.

This is a very sad and an all too familiar situation of child and family being desperately let down. None of you are coping and that's understandable.
You say there have been many interventions and therapies but what are theses and have they been consistent or a one-off?
The therapist should be able to recognize that he is telling them what he thinks they want to hear by hearing your version of everyday life. If they don't listen to you then they truly are not a good therapist and its pointless as you've found.
I wouldn't care that your dp can't be bothered about further investigations or assesements this is a child who will only be able to understand how they work when the adults understand exactly what is going on so your partner is really not helping here.

Yes if I am honest it all feel like an attack on me personally. How can it not feel that way I am a human being myself with feeling and emotions and it is difficult to brush off some things he says.
I try my best clearly it's not enough.

taratill I don’t need to justify myself but yes, I have this experience. Extensively.

I choose to protect my other children.

I wouldn't let him in the house when he returns from school and ring the Police and Social Services and say you want him accommodated as you cant cope any longer.Just leave him on the step,thats what I'd do.
Sorry I wouldn't put up with his behaviour its outrageous.

wtf Rudgie47 the child has a disability what a foul thing to do

Cheeeislifenow can you take a break or some time out.

I hit the point you are now at several times in the last 2 years.

I agree it is hard not to take it personally but I'll bet that the behaviour is actually anxiety driven.

Reducing our son's anxiety has genuinely worked wonders. He has gone from being aggressive and quite scary to our loving boy again.

I would suggest keeping a list of triggers of the violent outbursts, if you don't already, it can be quite interesting to see that there are often similar themes? Has your son just gone back to school? Has this caused the aggression to increase?

I do think you need external support because it is impacting your whole family and your DH definitely needs to be more supportive of finding the right answers.

I'm sorry you feel attacked. I suppose the only way to explain it is that he has to adjust to the NT world. And right now, he's in his autistic world and he needs to adjust to living in a world he doesn't understand, and that doesn't understand him. In order to help him, you need to go partway into his world in order to guide him out of it. And that means going into a way of thinking that is going to upset you. But this isn't forever. Once he gets into his late teens and adulthood, he's going to have much better coping mechanisms.

I do know what this is like. I found some online support from the PDA Society (even though my son was not diagnosed as such). Although the Jekyll and Hyde behaviour (calm at school; totally controlling at home) continued for years, in Y 10, when the pressure of exams kicked in, he stopped attending.

The police were somewhat helpful and social services did nothing until our situation has escalated to CP level and then all Hell let loose!

Sorry, I am not being very positive, but the reality is that this behaviour will not stop on its own. I really did find the PDA Society extremely helpful, though.

Ok Hollie, I chose to protect all my children. My son is my child and disabled. Blaming him for his disability would not sit well with me. All behaviour is for a reason and adults need to be flexible.

I can see that there must come a point at which you would have to give up though if all options fail.

Honestly, when you’re being beaten around the head with a chair leg and pulled down the stairs, the ‘why?’ of the situation is not foremost in your mind. I’m sure a pp’s advice that it won’t be forever is well-meant, but not much help right now. I feel for you OP, because I’ve been where you are now but my son is not high functioning, just big and strong. You have a right to live in your own home without the violence, as do your other children. Call the police.

I have so much sympathy, this sounds like hell on earth, for ALL of you.

What happens if you acknowledge his frustration but draw absolute red lines over violence, language and insults/abuse? He's allowed to get frustrated, we all are, but that doesn't give anyone carte blanche to abuse/spit/insult or hit anyone.

and if he truly IS managing not to treat others like this, then he's conscious of how it affects people when he does it to you.

I also would record what he does against you and go back to SS and show them that the promises your DS makes are empty and that you are being abused, and your other kids are living in an abusive situation as a result. I have no idea what the answer is, but getting the truth out there is essential and getting the support you need too.

Can you go to the school and tell them what is happening to you and ask them to be honest with you about him and his school behaviour?

for you OP. I thought it was mum posting this as it sounds exactly like my younger brother (down to the age and everything). He is incredibly draining to be around and has form for ruining any sort of family event so I don't spend a huge amount of time with him anymore. I don't have much to add as I've left home and I seriously don't know how my mother copes but I just wanted to say you're not alone and there are others out there that are experiencing this too. I'm sure you are an amazing mum (as is my own) and I hope you get the help and support you need soon because I have seen/experienced first hand how wearing it can be to deal with this day in/day out.

Im afraid i would be calling social services. I have a cousin who is the exact same, 13 years old and everyone is worried he will beat his future girlfriends and end up in prison. Half of me hopes he does end up there.

A few weeks ago he even got his mum sent to hospital as he pushed her down the stairs.. shes deluded though and using excuses like anxiety for his problems but i think she needs too wake up and get him into care. I feel sad saying it BUT i know ots the best thing for both of them but mainly her.

Hi op ..I've got a son the same.he is 19 now,when he was 12 I could of wrote your post.all the bedroom doors have locks on with keys ,so everyone was safe when he kicked off.social services agreed this was a good idea...my son was very un happy in his special school ,things improved when he started school refusing and we got tutors ...I stopped asking anything of him ,I just met his needs ,did what he asked and slowly the tension in the house decreased,the resentment I feel towards him is horrendous,I can't wait for him to leave for assisted living.he has ruined our family and we have been left with no support for years.ive managed the violence by requiring absolutely nothing from him..so he's under no pressure at home at all.and he's nicer to live with than he was,but obviously that meant I couldn't ask the other kids to do stuff,so again the resentment of him is so high that I've not been able to parent how I would like,his autism has ruined our family,stopped us going for days out ,stopped us going on holidays ,so so much ruined by autism...I've done my best to cope and it sounds like your doing your best op. X

We had this. I called a domestic violence helpline. They were able to support me so that I was emotional in a better place to be able to deal with my child. By getting the support I needed I was then able to get the support he needed.

Good luck op, it’s a horrible situation.

Forgot to say, we were lucky. No more violence and he is now a lovely young man who has found other ways to deal with his frustrations. No more violence.

You cannot live like that, on eggshells. The coping mecanisms prescribed by some of the really hard of reading posters here will just mask the problem and chip at you slowier. No matter the real underlying issue, autism and/or malice, you are suffering tremendously. Call the police, and maybe exclude him from home. You deserve to be happy, to feel safe and free from the anxiety and pain he brings to you.

Not at all PerfectPenquins, what if he ends up really injuring her or worse? Why should she stand for this level of violence?. There are specialist childcare units which can deal with violent children. It sounds like he should be somewhere like that.

OP needs to be safe and not battered in her own home. Just because her son has a disability doesn't mean to say she should just be left to take his beatings.

"It's easy to say that the behavior is not reserved for me but I do feel very much that it is."

It may be that he feels safe with you. My child is low functioning so it is a slightly different situation but almost all of his physical distressed behaviour is directed at trusted adults. It doesn't make it ok and no one should be expected to be in an unsafe position but thinking of it in that way can make it easier to cope with whilst you are working through ways to stop it happening.

Yes he should be taken out of the house indefinitely and placed in care.
This is no way to live.
You don't deserve this.