Am I being unreasonable to hate my child at this point and feel calling the police on him again

[Cheeeeislifenow]

New username. My son is 13 He has High functioning autism and I suspect Pathalogical Demand Avoidance. He is very intelligent,smart and as I said his autism is high functioning officially Asperger's syndrome.
He has been the most difficult child I have ever come across in my life. I have had so many interventions from pshycoligists, support workers socai workers etc over the years. He is making life hell for all of us.
His language is appalling he calls me so many names and hits me and kicks and spits. This starts when he doesn't get his own way it feels jealous of his brothers.
I just can't take anymore. My depression is crippling me, he is like an abusive partner that I can never leave. Example: this weekend I had asked him to hang out the washing, he did, and did a poor job of it. Many times I have shown him how to do it. I told him next time could he do it the way I showed him. He started a massive row and ended up hitting me repeatedly and spitting at me. He told me that he the whole family would be happier if I killed myself. I am deeply sad and feel my soul has been slashed.
I have been cold with him and tried to explain why today. I asked him to try and place his self in my shoes. He said I was selfish and should consider his feelings.
I explained as he had hurt me it is up to him to show remorse.
He continued to swear and I sent him to room. He refused to stop making noise as his brothers were asleep. He refused and screamed in my face "when will you stop fucking fighting with me.. ?"I remained calm and left the room, he followed me called me a cunt and a shit mother and slapped me.
I have recently got the police to speak to him and thought perhaps he would stop being physically violent.
Aibu to call the police again? I am afraid if how he is going to turn out. He behaves like an abusive partner in terms of his gaslighting and his attitude towards me.
I really in this moment hate him and hate myself more for thinking it.
We have had this kind of treatment for 7 years from him and I just cannot take any more... Do I call the police? Will they come down very hard on him? I am in Ireland there are no juvenile liason officers until a crime has been committed and child is charged.
Aibu to call the police.

The fact that he doesn't want other people to know may be a key motivator for him to change his behaviour. So I would remove the veil of secrecy.

In the past when my eldest behaved violently, I found it more effective to make sure she knew that I would talk and write openly about everything, including to her teachers and the parents of her friends. (During one tantrum, I took a video and told her I would upload it to Facebook. She stopped very quickly!)

The quote I went by is:

"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better."

So yes, call the police. Tell anyone you want to talk to about it.

I get that he's only a child and has a disability, but you don't owe him your silence regarding being beaten up by him.

(During one tantrum, I took a video and told her I would upload it to Facebook. She stopped very quickly!)

Many of us have children for whom that is simply not possible. I'm not saying that it should be kept hidden but it is just not as simple as providing a 'motivator' to change behviour. And threats of public humiliation would be devastating and detrimental. Non-violent Resistance therapy advocates being open about the violence but does not advocate threats of humiliation.

Many of us have children who have been damaged by inappropriate advice and guidance advocating strategies that do not match our children's needs / disabilities.

There are many causes for violence from children to parents. There is no single solution. Understanding the issues / problems has to be primary.

Hester gives excellent advice.

I have a similar child. It is so far away from conventional parenting, requires endless patience and listening to people who tell you you are soft. It is so hard to move away from conventional thinking.

We have a much more peaceful house now, but I am sure my child looks spoilt and lazy to the outside world. However she is now in school, learning, happy and both our mental health has improved beyond measure.

Sounds like you are doing a great job PigWhisperer but it can be a really difficult and often lonely path can't it?

Thank you, wise Hester.

Yes it is and I still regularly fall into "normal thinking" traps - usually when I am under pressure myself. I still find myself wondering whether she is just very lazy and manipulative! However, I try to remember that sometimes the simple thing I am asking her to do is beyond her. Much like when we used to tell people with depression to "snap out of it"

I haven’t read the full thread; I can’t. But I know how it is. I have called the police re my teenage son on several occasions - & had many more when I haven’t called - most recently twice the week before last. It is very hard & distressing. I do also think it has helped. I don’t know about Ireland, but in England, the police have been very much (though not totally) guided by my wishes. They have given me to understand that may change when he is 16 (in four months) though. Also I suspect the fact that I have only called a tiny fraction of the times I could or perhaps should have called, leaves me with more leeway. Had I called every time I am sure he would have been arrested by now, SEND notwithstanding. Sending love, it’s a hard & lonely road. Xxx

I have a 10 yo dd who is similar, HFA suspected PDA. Very compliant at school but not at home. I suspect asking your child to hang the clothes out and him doing so is an amazing achievement for a child with PDA, telling him what he could do better next time may confuse him as you said he did a good job, but then said why he didn’t - my dd would struggle with that. We pick a time when we ask her to do things to minimise anxiety. As someone said above, managing s child with PDA requires you throwing out the parenting handbook and thinking about things differently.

His violent reaction is borne from anxiety. I know this is really difficult but in the first instance I’d make sure you were reducing demands on him, especially if in some areas he is experiencing higher anxiety (eg more homework.

parenting a child with PDA is bloody difficult. It took us a long time to find out what worked to parent her where she wasn’t constantly violent or melting down. Giving her options when something needs to be done helps. It’s by no means a fait accompli and we know it will be a much harder job teaching her the independence skills she needs in the future.

I am living exactly the same except with a daughter aged 12 who has been extremely violent towards me (and other adults) for nearly two years. All the agencies are involved including Camhs, social services and police. I don’t think twice about calling them any more although in my dd’s case it doesn’t make any difference and she is exactly the same at school (been out of school for more than two years.) Nobody knows what to do with her.

Even with neurological children, they save the worst behavior for the people who love them most. After expending the energy behaving properly at a place like school, the child is unguarded with the parent.

I would consider calling the police, simply to create a paper trail. You are going to need help now and better to get it at 13 when he can still be viewed as an errant child. Far too soon, his behavior is going to have real life consequences.

Neurological=neurotypical

Some children have disabilities so severe that living at home is not the best thing for them. These disabilities are not always physical. Your son sounds unhappy and stressed, hence the lashing out. He may want to control everything to make himself feel "safe" but he camt and ot won't. He needs more help and support than you can give - that's not your fault. I trongly suggest you start investigating and fighting for specialist boarding provision for him. You can still be his parent, even if he's not living at home.

Just noticed that the thread is from September. I wonder how things are with op now.

Do you have SENDIASS in Ireland?

I work in adult social care and in my experience this will get worse and is absolutely directed at you. You are a 'safe' person so he knows that he can lash out and unleash some aggression and you're not going to hit him back. You are very much at risk of assault from him. It's difficult because he should be contributing to jobs but a big trigger can be getting something wrong/worrying you might get something wrong/ being asked to do something that you don't want to do/ thinking you might be asked to do something that you don't want to do.

I would suggest giving your son somewhere to go and calm down when he needs to (he may prefer not to do this in his room especially if it's shared) and calling the police. Not all, but a lot of clients that I've worked with have a healthy respect for the police because they know if they do X the police will do Y.

Ultimately he probably needs to move on from your home to a more supported staffed environment and ss can help with that. There is a risk he may later decide that one of his siblings is also a 'safe' person to lash out at. Please don't take this all as criticism OP because in my experience it's generally the mother figure that takes the brunt of the aggression because they're the safest of safe.