Am I being unreasonable to hate my child at this point and feel calling the police on him again

[Cheeeeislifenow]

New username. My son is 13 He has High functioning autism and I suspect Pathalogical Demand Avoidance. He is very intelligent,smart and as I said his autism is high functioning officially Asperger's syndrome.
He has been the most difficult child I have ever come across in my life. I have had so many interventions from pshycoligists, support workers socai workers etc over the years. He is making life hell for all of us.
His language is appalling he calls me so many names and hits me and kicks and spits. This starts when he doesn't get his own way it feels jealous of his brothers.
I just can't take anymore. My depression is crippling me, he is like an abusive partner that I can never leave. Example: this weekend I had asked him to hang out the washing, he did, and did a poor job of it. Many times I have shown him how to do it. I told him next time could he do it the way I showed him. He started a massive row and ended up hitting me repeatedly and spitting at me. He told me that he the whole family would be happier if I killed myself. I am deeply sad and feel my soul has been slashed.
I have been cold with him and tried to explain why today. I asked him to try and place his self in my shoes. He said I was selfish and should consider his feelings.
I explained as he had hurt me it is up to him to show remorse.
He continued to swear and I sent him to room. He refused to stop making noise as his brothers were asleep. He refused and screamed in my face "when will you stop fucking fighting with me.. ?"I remained calm and left the room, he followed me called me a cunt and a shit mother and slapped me.
I have recently got the police to speak to him and thought perhaps he would stop being physically violent.
Aibu to call the police again? I am afraid if how he is going to turn out. He behaves like an abusive partner in terms of his gaslighting and his attitude towards me.
I really in this moment hate him and hate myself more for thinking it.
We have had this kind of treatment for 7 years from him and I just cannot take any more... Do I call the police? Will they come down very hard on him? I am in Ireland there are no juvenile liason officers until a crime has been committed and child is charged.
Aibu to call the police.

Very frustrating Social Services won’t help. If you beat him back when he hits you they’d soon intervene!

I have no direct experience but it sounds like he feels he isn't accountable at home, what about recording these episodes to share with other professionals so he knows it matters.
Apologies if it's a crap idea.
And yes I'd call police.

A hand hold - my DD (13) is the same and I'm on my knees. Also suspect DH is on the spectrum- their relationship is terrible and I'm constantly mediating. I don't really have advice ... I'm just wading my way through and am just about keeping my head above water.

Huge hand hold for you, OP.

In the UK, child on parent violence is treated as domestic violence perpetrated by a partner. Do you have women's aid or similar in Ireland?

And as above, call social services and stress the impact on your other children.

Have you a local community guard you could talk to?
Also have you spoken to your GP yourself? Are they helpful?

Film his explosive behaviour, then call social services and tell them it is now in their remit because he has assaulted you and you won't have him back in the house.

So sorry you're going through this OP. Have you tried posting on the SN boards here? There might be some mum's with PDA experience who can offer advice. I also recommend the book The Explosive Child it's got some useful strategies x

I have high functioning autism and I would have been very distressed in his position by my mum having such an extreme reaction to me not completing a task to perfection. I think you need to pick your battles on this.

And I absolutely agree with the poster who said he literally can't put himself in your shoes. Probably when he is more mature and learns more masking behaviours and how to emulate empathy, he'll be able to respond to you in the more positive way you want. But at thirteen years old, you are expecting too much.

And also, tantrums when he feels like he has failed and the world is against him are normal. You need to forgive him for them and move on. Reassure him that you love him and give him a fresh start each time. Again, when he is older and the world makes more sense to him, he'll be able to control these outbursts. But right now, he can't. You need to be calmly helping him to see the patterns in life and how people interact with each other, not ramping up the emotional temperature by trying to make him apologise for something he doesn't understand.

This sounds very hard and I am sure you are doing your best.
Sounds like there is no easy solution but I thought I would add a couple of ideas to see if they can make small positive changes.
One difficulty associated to ASD even if high functioning or formerly called Aspergers is he will struggle or be unable to put himself in your shoes. Si asking him to be aware of how you are feeling or to show remorse are very difficult demands and likely to lead to problems.
I would concentrate on setting strict rules regarding unacceptable behaviour, and helping him manage his emotions (to avoid the violent behaviour). Consequences when the rules are broken that you both talk about when he is calm and that help him calm down are also helpful.
Also, he does not “reserve” the behaviour for you. Often the level of control it takes to behave according to norms at school is so high the stress will later show at home, where he feels more secure. Of course this needs addressing too as it is affecting you but seeing it as it is, as another symptom of his ASD, not something he does to hurt you may help the emotions that arise.

I would have been very distressed in his position by my mum having such an extreme reaction to me not completing a task to perfection.

This literally say the mother was extreme, were you trying to say his reaction was extreme? All she said was that she wanted him to do it the way he had been shown next time, she couldn't have been any milder other than by saying nothing at all.

Your son is acting exactly as my brother and cousin did. Combination of feeling like the world is against them & hormones led to meltdowns. He knows exactly what he's doing, but not why he's doing it. He feels horrible so he wants you to feel horrible. Are you rising to it when you put him in his room and he's kicking & screaming? Asking him to stop because he'll wake his brothers? Are you giving a positive when your asking him to redo the washing? Something like thank you for putting the washing out, if you do it this way though it'll dry quicker

Some great advice.... A couple of points. Heis capable of empathy and emotion and most other autistic adults I have spoken to have said that it's often felt too much hence the backing away from feeling somebody eles pain. I do not think it is unreasonable to expect an apology at all. Even at a logical level he is ery much aware that that behavior regardless of how he feels is wrong. I have read the explosive child and yes it is very good.
I use lots of positive reinforcement, for example we do a diary where the children write down five positive things they have done each day.
When I spoke to him about the washing it wasn't a correction, and I began the sentence with what a good job he had done but for future reference could he remember the way I showed him before.
The local guard is who I have been dealing with and he had a firm chat to him.
It's easy to say that the behavior is not reserved for me but I do feel very much that it is. I know logically it's probably not but last night he threatened "to beat me to the ground". When you hear things like that it feels like it is. I am going to try contact social services again today and see if they can bump us up the list for the charity family support intervention.

I do pick my battles carefully. To be honest out of fear..I just feel like he rules our whole lives and we have totread on eggshells.

OP, a lot of these answers are shitty, victim blaming and inaccurate. You haven’t done anything wrong in asking him to do something how he’s been shown, and even if you had, nobody deserves to be treated that way by anyone.

It is abusive and ASD is not an excuse for violence or abuse - child or not.

You need to seriously consider the effects on your other DC of living with this.

I would absolutely call the police and social services and explain the harm they are at risk of - both emotional and physical. They have a duty of care to your other children, as do you, and 13 (ASD or not) is more than old enough to understand that this isn’t acceptable.

You're saying he's capable of those things, but you're also saying he is autistic. With respect, if you don't have autism, you don't know what it is like.

I have empathy, but it's a different kind of empathy to people who are NT.

Don't upset him and yourself by expecting too much out of him.

And yes, absolutely spot on the PP who said he is probably exhausting himself by masking at school and that's why his behaviour is worse at home.

I am so sorry you are struggling so much. Call the police as the officer posted earlier and see what they can do to help you.

It is assault, well domestic violence and it certainly can't carry on, he will only get bigger and stronger and harder to handle.

Clearly he needs some proper intervention and medication. Start with the police and go from there.

Domestic violence is between any family members. I hope you get help as it sounds a really stressful situation. Also document any injuries/bruises you have. X

I agree about the victim blaming Why should your whole life have to revolve around not annoying a child in case he turns violent?

I also agree that you should call the guards.

Your right I don't know what it's like to have autism and I can't pretend I do.
But at a basic level he knows hitting is wrong.
I feel it is unfair for him to be not accountable for his actions.
I feel like you are suggesting I just need to put up with it.
I feel that is unfair on us and him. Life will be very difficult for him if he continues on this path and he is going to make himself very unhappy.
I understand what your saying but it's hard to accept that.

It sounds shit OP, but this bit annoyed me:

"A couple of points. Heis capable of empathy and emotion and most other autistic adults I have spoken to have said that it's often felt too much hence the backing away from feeling somebody eles pain"

I had aspergers and I can assure you my empathy is very limited, I wouldn't put myself in anyone else's shoes and I wouldn't give any thought to how they are feeling. Basically, if I can't feel it, then it's not really real is the best way I can sum it up. Just because the people you have met with autism feel too much empathy, there are still many who just won't and your expectations of it seem unrealistic.

Hollyswift do you have personal experience of ASD or a child with a diagnosis? No one is victim blaming, everyone is sorry for the OP but trying to give helpful advise based on personal experience.

My child was exactly as the OP describes her child last year. By adopting a different approach and being more flexible to my child's anxieties we have managed to completely remove the violent behaviour.

Pointing this out is the exact opposite of victim blaming it is trying to be supportive.

If NT methods are used with ASD children then that's how you end up with disproportionate numbers of autistic young people in young offenders institutes.

OP I would read the 'explosive child' it was eye opening to me. Also move over to the SEN boards. You are not alone in this.

Oh and being flexible to anxieties is not the same as condoning or not teaching right from wrong. It is simply acknowledging the fact that the child has a disability which affects communication. The inability to communicate results in violent conduct.

The victim blaming comments are actually pretty disablist !

No idea how it works in Ireland, but if you were in England I would be suggesting that you make an immediate application for a care assessment through social services, emphasising that the situation is urgent and that there are safeguarding issues for the other children; also emphasising that if major respite and proper provision for his PDA is not put in place immediately there is a severe danger of family breakdown. I would also be strongly suggesting that, if he doesn't already have an EHCP, you apply for one immediately with a view to asking for a specialist residential placement.

I would be sceptical of claims that he's fine in school. Children with PDA generally just aren't, because they cannot cope with the demands schools place on them. You might like to discuss that further with them.

PDA is different to aspergers. There’s a high level of insight into the behaviour but almost no remorse. My middle one has PDA and he really truly DOES reserve his worst behaviour for me. But he can also be beautifully charming too.

We try to keep his anxiety to a minimum whilst giving him loads of opportunity to succeed at things. It’s exhausting.

“Have you thought about a reward chart or going gluten free?” (Just kidding!)