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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my ex to change his holiday plans with our son

117 replies

whirlwindlife · 04/09/2018 09:18

In a nutshell, I have a male friend who emigrated a couple of years ago. He has bought me a flight to Canada to go and see him from 23rd Oct to 5th Nov. I was sceptical because it means nearly 2 weeks away from my 8 year old ds, but I've talked to my ds and he's ok with it. We'll talk on the phone etc.

I told my ex these dates weeks ago and he was also fine with it, but he's just told me that today he has booked a holiday with my ds starting on 18th!

I have told him that I think that is ridiculous. Realistically he'll want my ds from 17th which means that I won't see him for nearly 3 weeks! I'm not prepared to do that so someone has to change their plans. Am I being unreasonable to ask my ex to do this considering he knew the dates I'd be away and it feels like he's booked his holiday on those dates to spite me. My ds is not happy about this either.

We've been split for 3 1/2 years and he hates the fact that I am going to see this man in Canada. Normally we're amicable with arrangements to do with my ds.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 04/09/2018 09:20

I think the holiday will take your sons mind off it, and it only a few days earlier

ThisIsTheNational · 04/09/2018 09:21

It depends when half term is surely?

cansu · 04/09/2018 09:23

tbh it sounds like he has decided to take advantage of fact that he will have your ds and has booked a nice holiday which will surely be nice for your ds. It sounds a little like you are feeling guilty and worried about going away yourself and are over reacting a bit. However, what about school? Is he allowed to go away in school time?

Original poster
whirlwindlife · 04/09/2018 09:23

Originally my ex was going to go from the 22nd meaning that my ds would miss a couple of days after half term. Now he's missing a couple of days before half term.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 04/09/2018 09:23

I don't think you can force this, as he is entitled to a holiday with his son and perhaps he hopes that 3 weeks will make your son more settled.

What about school?

Original poster
whirlwindlife · 04/09/2018 09:26

I've been given no choice but to not see my ds for 3 weeks, unless I cancel. My ex knew the dates I'd be away and could have booked his week away during those dates.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 04/09/2018 09:26

One assumes he has decided to take him away over October half term to do something with him and a Thursday to Thursday or Thursday to Sunday holiday over that makes sense - yes he might be doing it slightly to spite you but arguably it is reasonable

funmummy48 · 04/09/2018 09:27

I think it's fine & will give you time to get yourself sorted and packed. I understand how you feel but your ex is your son's parent too. Have a wonderful holiday.

Thistles24 · 04/09/2018 09:27

I’d say YABU. It’s only a few more days, and the trip to Canada sounds like it’s a once in a lifetime experience for you, so don’t think you should change that, but also, let DS have his holiday too. As others have said, it’ll be a nice distraction for him. Presumably there’s a reason your ex went for these dates- maybe it was much cheaper than going the following week, which would mean DS wouldn’t get to go at all. I know it’s hard, and I’d be the same at the thought of not seeing my DS for 3 weeks BUT think what he would enjoy more.

ThanksHunkyJesus · 04/09/2018 09:28

It's really not about you though is it. You're happy to leave your son for 2 weeks so another week doesn't make that much difference.

girlalmighty · 04/09/2018 09:29

I don't think you can go on holiday for two weeks but stop your son going.If you can leave him for two, you can leave him for 3 imo. He will be fine, plenty of phone calls and he will have a blast. It will fly by.

kitkatsky · 04/09/2018 09:30

My ex has DD for 3 weeks each summer. I hate it, but she's not my possession- she enjoys going and that's got to be enough for me even though I miss her like crazy

Atalune · 04/09/2018 09:31

I think you’re over reacting.

Your son will have a nice time. It’s not all about you and an 8 year old will be hugely influenced by you and your ex so he cannot objectively tell you what he wants. 2 weeks or 3 weeks he’ll miss you anyways.

I think you’re BU

DolorestheNewt · 04/09/2018 09:32

I don't know how much your DH has your DS, but perhaps three weeks together might be a really good experience for both of them? I really do mean this kindly, OP - though I fear you may not take it as such! - but I think you might eventually find this to be a bit of a storm in a teacup. Your son will be OK not seeing you for three weeks, unless you make too much of a fuss about it now in which case he will pick up on it and think there's something wrong. He's still with a parent. Try not to let this spoil the exciting prospect of your holiday, or your DS's!

Jackieyoulooknice · 04/09/2018 09:32

I think if you're happy to leave him and go that far away for 2 whole weeks, a few extra days shouldn't bother you. Just be glad your son will be having fun.

SD1978 · 04/09/2018 09:33

Whether he's done it deliberately or not- you can't expect him to change his dates, but you not be willing to change yours. You're going for a two week trip with a male friend, which your ex is happy to accomodate. He is going away on the 18th- so I think you need to accept that- or cancel your plans. You don't get to dictate everything. If it's that horrendous not see ng your son- don't go. Maybe that was when he could get time off, maybe it made it cheap enough to go. I think you are being unreasonable to decide he has to do everything you want.

Matilda1981 · 04/09/2018 09:33

You’re over reacting and being unfair - you can’t have it both ways! You’re lucky you have an ex that’s happy to have your son dates that enable you to go on holiday when you want in the first place!

Original poster
whirlwindlife · 04/09/2018 09:35

It will be Thursday to Thursday. He'll want him from the Wednesday. I can't get my head around the fact that he could have booked from Tuesday to Tuesday the following week whilst i was away meaning that my ds would only be away from me for 2 weeks. I'm already sceptical about the two weeks and yes I'm feeling guilty, but 3 weeks could have been avoided

OP posts:
Justabouthadituptohere · 04/09/2018 09:37

I don’t think you can do anything about it and it’ll all be fine. However he’s done it he’s still having your DS for 3 weeks. I wouldn’t make a big deal about it and just run with it tbh. He’s still your son’s parent and your DS will be fine.

Quartz2208 · 04/09/2018 09:39

OP you could have decided on the dates with your ex before booking your flights.

The problem is here even if there is spite involved it is couched in a reasonable way - you could move yours as much as his. So yes 3 weeks could be avoided by you as much as him.

DolorestheNewt · 04/09/2018 09:40

Awww, OP, try not to feel guilty, though I know telling people how to feel is fairly pointless! Yes, it could have been avoided, but it does sound as though you're dwelling on it a bit... and yes, you got in first with your fortnight, but then flaring up because he hasn't tidily boxed in his holiday plans around yours is never going to create harmony and peace.

Assuming your DS will be OK with your xDH for three weeks (and you've said nothing to indicate that he won't), then your own response to not seeing him for three weeks is really the issue here, and maybe you can decide to manage that more positively?

IAmNotAWitch · 04/09/2018 09:41

You are overreacting.

Your DS will be fine, you will be fine, everybody will be FINE.

OrdinarySnowflake · 04/09/2018 09:42

Have you called the airline and seen how much it would cost to move you flight ticket to leaving on 18th, coming back on 1st? Is there any reason why you have to go those 2 weeks?

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 04/09/2018 09:42

How is your relationship with ex generally?
has he done it on purpose? really?
FWIW I don't think its unreasonable to ask your ex to change it, if possible, if you all agree that it would be better for your son.

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 04/09/2018 09:45

You’re being selfish. You were fine with him not seeing you for two weeks for your own benefit but not an extra week that will benefit him! Your son will be with his other parent. Like you said you can chat with him on the phone.