to ask my ex to change his holiday plans with our son

[whirlwindlife]

In a nutshell, I have a male friend who emigrated a couple of years ago. He has bought me a flight to Canada to go and see him from 23rd Oct to 5th Nov. I was sceptical because it means nearly 2 weeks away from my 8 year old ds, but I've talked to my ds and he's ok with it. We'll talk on the phone etc.

I told my ex these dates weeks ago and he was also fine with it, but he's just told me that today he has booked a holiday with my ds starting on 18th!

I have told him that I think that is ridiculous. Realistically he'll want my ds from 17th which means that I won't see him for nearly 3 weeks! I'm not prepared to do that so someone has to change their plans. Am I being unreasonable to ask my ex to do this considering he knew the dates I'd be away and it feels like he's booked his holiday on those dates to spite me. My ds is not happy about this either.

We've been split for 3 1/2 years and he hates the fact that I am going to see this man in Canada. Normally we're amicable with arrangements to do with my ds.

Blame lack of sleep here....but am not seeing the point in you changing your plans if your son is going away on dates you mentioned?
What would you change them to?

OP would come home earlier. So her son still goes away a few days before her but she comes back earlier and sees him sooner when she returns.

I would leave a few days before him and return a few days after him. That would be the ideal situation

If you wanted an ideal situation then you should have agreed on dates before booking your flight. You didn't, you expected your ex to work around your plans.

If the ex is trying to control you, then your actions are equally bad.

If you change the flights don't tell.him until last minute.

Why? So he can refuse to let her see him because it's his pre-arranged time with his son that she agreed to?!

I think your ex would have been more agreeable had you not booked flights to Canada and not told him until afterwards.

Surely co-parenting is about working together and informing each other of things like that, instead of booking holidays and assuming the other parent is free and happy to have the child?

I know you're saying family members would have stepped in but you should still have checked with his dad before you booked to go to Canada for two weeks on your own!

Yabu.

Lol!

"There is no question over whether I will be spending three weeks away from my ds, I won't. It's not about me having it all ways."

Look stop pretending you just can't bare to be away from your son for 2.5 weeks but you can handle 2 weeks. You're going to Canada, that's so fucking far away! If you can handle CANADA for 2 WEEKS then another half a week won't bother you, stop pretending it is. Youre not convincing anyone.

I don't know how you could live with yourself spoiling your son's holiday so you can go on one guilt free.

Spoiling my son's holiday how exactly??

If the extra few days are so terrible you can still have DS on the 17th do a special day and drop him at ex's at bedtime or get up at the crack of dawn and drop them both at the airport (if they're flying haven't read the whole thread). So that'll be 4 extra days away from DS. You were already going for two weeks! He's 8 years old, he'll be with his dad having a nice holiday. It'll be totally fine.

The thing is, even if you change your dates, you have already arranged for your son to be with his other parent from 23/10-5/11, so there's no guarantee that your son will be free to see you during that period. I imagine your ExH will have made plans now, and you can't just unilaterally decide that he's not having him after all.

I think in a nutshell, that is the problem. You seem to think it's up to you to decide, unilaterally, when your son will see your ExH, and it's all based around suiting you. Your ExH has as much say as you do on issues regarding your DS, and you need to accept that.

If you don't mind being away from ds for 2 weeks, I don't see why 3 weeks is a massive deal.

Spoiling his holiday by asking him to change dates, if the Dad can't change the dates then obviously son won't be going, OR because you haven't got your way YOU won't go away.

There's 2 parents here and both have equal say.

Maybe it was just cheaper for him to take your DS away for those dates rather than the other ones.

I think you’re very fortunate to have an ex that is willing to not only take care of your DS for three weeks but also take him away on holiday. My exH has had the DC for two days in a row maximum since we separated nearly 4 years ago.

You’re overreacting, a week extra won’t do any harm.

I see it as you having made arrangements before consulting with ex.
Now he's made arrangements before consulting with you.
Tit for tat.

What bothers me most is that you've discussed this with your DS and for whatever reason he's told you he doesn't want to be Apart from you for 3 weeks. Understandable from his perspective. But it seems that you've been questioning him about it, pointing out the length of time, asking how he feels about it etc. Manipulation. All to assuage your own feelings of guilt, and to give you ammo to get ex to rearrange his plans.
Couldn't you have discussed this with ex, made alterations depending on how negations go and then sold it to DS as a 'wow, you're going to have such a fab time with Dad!' rather than 'poor us, Dad is keeping us apart for 3 long weeks'.

I'm afraid I agree with posters who say that you are coming across as wanting it all your own way and rather selfish.

So you want to book a holiday for yourself that is at a time convenient to you, but you don't want your ex to book a holiday at a time that is convenient for him?

Totally agree with what Gazelda said. You need to sell it to DS that it's a great thing he's going away with his dad, and making plans for a Skype call every few days (not every day!!), not quizzing him on how he'll feel about a few extra days without you. Kids go for weeks without seeing one parent and still manage to be happy and secure..

Oh no I killed the thread