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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my ex to change his holiday plans with our son

117 replies

whirlwindlife · 04/09/2018 09:18

In a nutshell, I have a male friend who emigrated a couple of years ago. He has bought me a flight to Canada to go and see him from 23rd Oct to 5th Nov. I was sceptical because it means nearly 2 weeks away from my 8 year old ds, but I've talked to my ds and he's ok with it. We'll talk on the phone etc.

I told my ex these dates weeks ago and he was also fine with it, but he's just told me that today he has booked a holiday with my ds starting on 18th!

I have told him that I think that is ridiculous. Realistically he'll want my ds from 17th which means that I won't see him for nearly 3 weeks! I'm not prepared to do that so someone has to change their plans. Am I being unreasonable to ask my ex to do this considering he knew the dates I'd be away and it feels like he's booked his holiday on those dates to spite me. My ds is not happy about this either.

We've been split for 3 1/2 years and he hates the fact that I am going to see this man in Canada. Normally we're amicable with arrangements to do with my ds.

OP posts:
HermioneGoesBackHome · 04/09/2018 11:03

Btw if you think that actually your ur ex is being an arse and controlling (seeingbthat he has form for it, even if he has calmed down a bit in the last 18 months), then you need to treat it as such.

Will changing your flights the right decision if you are , in effect, caving to your ex so you dint see said friend for as long for example?

Was it a good idea to tell him where and why you would be away for two weeks?

I think you need to rethink the way you are communicating with your ex too. Otherwise you will see it,ex when he is obstructive becoming more and more wo being able to say he is fully unreasonable in his requests iyswim.

RabbitsAreTasty · 04/09/2018 11:04

Abusive twat of an ex found a way to give you a kicking and took it. What a surprise.

You really really should expect this kind of fuckery from him by now.

If you rearrange plans how can he fuck with you further? Expect it, protect yourself from it, plan, plan, plan for it.

ShalomJackie · 04/09/2018 11:06

Yes YABU

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/09/2018 11:09

Abusive twat of an ex found a way to give you a kicking and took it. What a surprise.

Bit of a reach there. OP says they usually have a good relationship, contact is nearly 50/50, Dad is happy for Mum to fuck off on a jolly without prior agreement on who'd have the DC, and he's also planning a nice week away WITH the DC rather than going away on his own and just assuming she'll be around.

TheStopAndChat · 04/09/2018 11:11

YABU

And selfish.

It's not about me having it all ways
Yeah it is

SoupDragon · 04/09/2018 11:11

My ds is not happy about this either.

I imagine he’s picked up on you not being happy with it.

Bombardier25966 · 04/09/2018 11:18

Abusive twat of an ex found a way to give you a kicking and took it. What a surprise.

Yet she's happy to leave her son for two weeks with this (in your words) abusive twat of an ex.

Original poster
whirlwindlife · 04/09/2018 11:31

My original post asked whether it was unreasonable for me to ask my ex to change his plans. I have taken on board what everyone has said and concluded that if anyone needs to change their plans it's me. I'm not sure why all these 'selfish' comments are being batted about as I was merely putting it out there for general opinion to help me come to an informed decision as to what the right thing to do is. I havent said i would stop my ds from going on holiday. I am annoyed about the dates my ex has chosen but i have also said im prepared to change my flights to accommodate this. RabbitsAreTasty thank you for the reminder, it's easy to get more comfortable when time passes!

OP posts:
Original poster
whirlwindlife · 04/09/2018 11:33

Bombardier25966 please don't judge me for encouraging my ds and ex to have a relationship. My ex was abusive towards me, not ever his son. My ds needs his father no matter what cr*p he's put me through

OP posts:
Branleuse · 04/09/2018 11:35

The thing is, his dad isnt just allowed to have him when you need childcare.

mrsm43s · 04/09/2018 11:35

More likely than not, what has happened is that ExH decided that since he had two uninterrupted weeks with his DS that he'd book a holiday. But the 2 weeks that OP has chosen to go away are the 2 half term weeks, and so therefore flights will be much, much more expensive and therefore he's shifted the holiday dates a few days earlier so he could get cheaper flights. And since OP set the precedent of booking first, and discussing later, he went ahead and booked it without discussion.

OP will be away from her son for around 2.5 weeks, 2 weeks of which are down to her - so she can't really complain that anyone is responsible for her being away from her son for a long period other than herself.

If she feels so strongly about this, I would suggest she moves her trip or cancels it.

PenguinBollard · 04/09/2018 11:37

YABU, it's just one more week which in the grand scheme of things seems like a small price to pay to keep the peace with your ex in return for 2 weeks off by yourself.

Original poster
whirlwindlife · 04/09/2018 11:37

His dad doesn't just have him when I need 'childcare' Grin

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 04/09/2018 11:39

Think everyone here is a lot more understanding than irl. If your ex had your son for 2 weeks anyway it would seem sensible and logical for him to take your sin on holiday within those 2 weeks. I'm guessing it was cheaper to go away then or availability was tricky as half term. Have you asked him why? If cost then you could offer to pay the difference. But given he's been flexible by taking your son 2 weeks you can only ask nicely if it's possible to move it if you contribute but I think you have to leave it there without any animosity if he says no

gimeallthecake · 04/09/2018 11:41

I think he has done it out of spite. And despite what everyone says 3 weeks is a long time for an 8 year old to be away from their primary carer. If I was you I'd suck it up and change your dates and pretend it doesn't bother you in the slightest. Don't let him know it bothers you.

Original poster
whirlwindlife · 04/09/2018 11:42

I was thinking that may be a good compromise AmIRight.

OP posts:
gimeallthecake · 04/09/2018 11:43

Also don't think you're being selfish in the slightest and think you've handled this all really well Thanks chin up I'm sure Canada will be amazing Smile

user1499173618 · 04/09/2018 11:43

YAB Super U! You cannot be the only person to take unilateral travel decisions, expect other people to fit in with your plans - and then veto them when they do the same back to you! Shame on you!

Original poster
whirlwindlife · 04/09/2018 11:43

Gimeallthecake that's what I'll more than likely do

OP posts:
slashlover · 04/09/2018 11:47

3 weeks is a long time for an 8 year old to be away from their primary carer.

OP says it's 60/40 so not that much of a difference.

OP wanted to dictate drop off, collection and that he had DS for two weeks. She didn't care if he had plans/was working//had appointments, SHE decided that he had DS at half term and that was it.

It also sounds like OPs friend bought the tickets without consulting her?

Original poster
whirlwindlife · 04/09/2018 11:52

At what point did I say my ex had to have my ds while I was away! I have family around who could have had him on my days. Geez

OP posts:
Raven88 · 04/09/2018 11:54

It does sound that Ex done this on purpose. Maybe as a way to gain the control back. He sounds manipulative.

GabriellaMontez · 04/09/2018 11:55

Of course yanbu.

You felt 2 weeks was a stretch but he's added half on again. Almost certainly to spite you.

Not good for your ds.

If you change the flights don't tell.him until last minute.

Don't let him find out about this sort of stuff if you can help and I know that's tricky.

Some of the posters on here seem determined that having 2 weeks means you deserve this.

slashlover · 04/09/2018 12:03

I have family around who could have had him on my days. Geez

Did you ask them before you booked?

SusanneLinder · 04/09/2018 12:05

Blame lack of sleep here....but am not seeing the point in you changing your plans if your son is going away on dates you mentioned?
What would you change them to?

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