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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my ex to change his holiday plans with our son

117 replies

whirlwindlife · 04/09/2018 09:18

In a nutshell, I have a male friend who emigrated a couple of years ago. He has bought me a flight to Canada to go and see him from 23rd Oct to 5th Nov. I was sceptical because it means nearly 2 weeks away from my 8 year old ds, but I've talked to my ds and he's ok with it. We'll talk on the phone etc.

I told my ex these dates weeks ago and he was also fine with it, but he's just told me that today he has booked a holiday with my ds starting on 18th!

I have told him that I think that is ridiculous. Realistically he'll want my ds from 17th which means that I won't see him for nearly 3 weeks! I'm not prepared to do that so someone has to change their plans. Am I being unreasonable to ask my ex to do this considering he knew the dates I'd be away and it feels like he's booked his holiday on those dates to spite me. My ds is not happy about this either.

We've been split for 3 1/2 years and he hates the fact that I am going to see this man in Canada. Normally we're amicable with arrangements to do with my ds.

OP posts:
firsttimebabybirther · 04/09/2018 10:17

YABU, your ex is entitled to take your ds on holiday , at least he's taking him. It will probably distract him from the fact his mother is leaving him to go on a 2 week holiday without him Hmm

How would you react if it was roles reversed and your ex wasn't going to see him for 3 weeks , would you say tough it's your own fault? That's exactly what I'd say if DS's dad did what you're doing.

FlowerpotFairyHouse · 04/09/2018 10:18

If you rearrange your flights, I think you're just being a bit of a drama queen.

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 04/09/2018 10:18

Yes I was bought these flights and then asked him if he was ok with it after,

That’s very manipulative of you.

but why he couldn't work around that I'll never know.

Maybe because he wasn’t involved in the arrangements and it was sold to him as a done deal which didn’t actually fit in with his plans!

DolorestheNewt · 04/09/2018 10:20

I will have to rearrange my flights, but I still think he's been an idiot. You're totally entitled to think he's been an idiot! But if the three-week thing is concerning you, then you're doing the best thing to resolve it by changing your own flights. Really hope you enjoy your time in Canada, OP.

tillytrotter1 · 04/09/2018 10:23

You don't want 3 weeks away from your son yet presumably your ex goes for much longer periods without seeing him. You seem to be prioritising your feelings. Your son's 8, not a baby, we have our granddaughter for 7 or8 weeks in Summer, she loves it!

mrsm43s · 04/09/2018 10:31

If you don't want to be away from your son for 3 weeks, you need to cancel / cut short your holiday, or move it forward.

Next time, perhaps it would make more sense to discuss your plans with your ex before you go ahead and book, and then you could avoid issues such as these.

YABU.

MorningsEleven · 04/09/2018 10:32

You're wanting to have your cake and eat it.

TrumpsTinyCheesyWotsit · 04/09/2018 10:32

I totally agree with other posters, you really do seem to be cutting your nose off to spite your face. You should have asked your ex for dates that he would have had your DS and then booked your flights with full transparency. But you didn't. You were expecting him to say no, and then you could hand him over to your family and be vindicated. But instead your ex has decided that its fine, and booked a holiday that will add time. I think that is great for your son. If he struggles after the holiday, he can still be handed back to your family to break it up a little. You are making a mountain out of a molehill here. YOU want to go to Canada. If you do not want to be away from your son then either take him along or do not go. As others have said, I bet your ex goes longer than that without seeing him and now you give him the chance you are cutting it short!

LIZS · 04/09/2018 10:32

It is 5 days more. Tbh you were willing to leave ds with his father to fit in with your plans, why is father not able to make plans at his convenience? Being on holiday may relieve any stress of your absence for your ds.

MorningsEleven · 04/09/2018 10:33

we have our granddaughter for 7 or8 weeks in Summer, she loves it!
Do you fancy having mine next year? They'll be no trouble 🤣

ellybo · 04/09/2018 10:36

I think it's a bit unreasonable as he was being flexible with your dates. I think you should be flexible in return. It is his child as well :) 3 weeks is a long time but it doesn't sound like he is being evil or anything. More probable is that it was just cheaper flights for those dates.

Feefeetrixabelle · 04/09/2018 10:36

instead of amending your flights why not drop your son off at the airport so you maximise time which would make it 4 days more. Realistically with being away for 2 weeks you could have easily been looking at dropping him the day before your flights and picking him up the day after depending on flight times. I think you just need to calm down a bit.

Bibidy · 04/09/2018 10:37

OP I think you're overreacting a bit and you should still go ahead with your planned holiday.

Your son will be away for a week of it anyway so will be having a whale of a time, and then when he comes back it'll just be the two weeks he was going to do anyway.

I appreciate you're upset at the thought of not seeing your son for 3 weeks but it's only once and he'll be with his dad. You can Skype and call every day.

Earthwindnfiya · 04/09/2018 10:37

So you're happy to ditch your DS to go off gallivanting in Canada with some bloke for two weeks, but your ex can't take him on holiday for an extra week? looooool someone is definitely being U here and it's not your ex

ElainaElephant · 04/09/2018 10:39

You could cut the cost of changing your flights, and just come back early.

Although I think if you can cope with two weeks you can cope with three.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/09/2018 10:42

I will have to rearrange my flights, but I still think he's been an idiot.

As a bystander, regardless of how you ex has treated you, I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Let him see his son for 3 weeks, let your DS have extended time with his DF. Use the phone, talk to him when you are away.

Try to remember that if you want a life of your own, to be able to fly out and see friends, you are going to have to accept such things as inevitable.

Your stated choice seems to be that you will cut off your nose to spite your face - don't do it!

Original poster
whirlwindlife · 04/09/2018 10:42

My ex does see my ds pretty much 40/60. My ex has booked this holiday now and therefore I will work around that. It was out of the blue considering he's never taken him on a holiday before but hey ho.

OP posts:
Mugglemom · 04/09/2018 10:44

I think you are being a little bit unreasonable, because when booking holidays a few days change can make a huge difference in the cost. It's possible that he didn't choose those dates out of spite but because they were the best value/cost.

It must be really hard for you to have planned to leave for 2 weeks which is already tough to wrap your head around, and to then be asked to be apart for 3 instead. But its manageable. You'll miss your DS, he'll miss you, absence will make the heart grow fonder, and you'll both have lovely holiday experiences you otherwise would not.

NoSquirrels · 04/09/2018 10:44

It is annoying. He may have done it to 'spite' you - or he may think what's the big deal, a few days extra and the flights are cheaper before half-term.

If you think DS will struggle for all that time with just his dad, then get your family to collect him early and he can have a change of scene with grandparents before you get back from Canada.

The only way to avoid this scenario was to check in advance what dates your ex would be able to have DS, and then book flights around that. As you have both pretty much unilaterally decided on plans independent of each other, it is what it is.

Your DS will be fine, honestly. Try not to show you're annoyed or upset about it.

PinkHeart5914 · 04/09/2018 10:48

You are over reacting a little tbh!

You were more than happy to not see your ds for 2 weeks to go see your friend so what difference does a extra week make? Your ds will be on holiday having a great time with his other parent

MrsStrowman · 04/09/2018 10:49

OP - AIBU?
Everyone - yes, it's only a few extra days you're making something of nothing
OP - No I'm not. He is unreasonable!
🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
Why bother asking?

MiamiLogic · 04/09/2018 10:53

It will be harder than two weeks, but you’ll both have fun.

FaceTime or Skype during the time apart if time difference allows. Take loads of photos for each other and then when you reunite you can have a great time telling each other all the things you did and saw.

I think this will be a really positive thing. You can show your son how much you enjoy to travel; he’ll experience a lot of new things.

Maybe that £500 you were considering to use to change the dates of your flight could be used to have a holiday with your son at another point?

Allthewaves · 04/09/2018 10:53

It's thee weeks not three years. What do you think parents who work away or in the forces do?

Flyme21 · 04/09/2018 10:53

Op - Am I being unreasonable?
Everyone - Yes
Ope - No, I'm not.

HermioneGoesBackHome · 04/09/2018 10:59

Sorry but I can’t see the issue.

Your ex is taking your ds during the school hols which is fine.
You want to go away on your own which I am fine too.

You can’t then somehow put the responsibility that you won’t see your ds for 3 weeks onto someone else shoulders.
That’s not your ex responsibility or choice for you to go away for two weeks!

As an aside, where is our ds staying when you are away? Is he with his dad?