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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my ex to change his holiday plans with our son

117 replies

whirlwindlife · 04/09/2018 09:18

In a nutshell, I have a male friend who emigrated a couple of years ago. He has bought me a flight to Canada to go and see him from 23rd Oct to 5th Nov. I was sceptical because it means nearly 2 weeks away from my 8 year old ds, but I've talked to my ds and he's ok with it. We'll talk on the phone etc.

I told my ex these dates weeks ago and he was also fine with it, but he's just told me that today he has booked a holiday with my ds starting on 18th!

I have told him that I think that is ridiculous. Realistically he'll want my ds from 17th which means that I won't see him for nearly 3 weeks! I'm not prepared to do that so someone has to change their plans. Am I being unreasonable to ask my ex to do this considering he knew the dates I'd be away and it feels like he's booked his holiday on those dates to spite me. My ds is not happy about this either.

We've been split for 3 1/2 years and he hates the fact that I am going to see this man in Canada. Normally we're amicable with arrangements to do with my ds.

OP posts:
Flyme21 · 04/09/2018 09:46

I think you're being a bit daft to be honest. It's OK for you to choose to be away for 2 weeks, but extending that to 3 weeks when your ds will be with his dad suddenly isn't OK. What ever the reason for booking that particular week (price, your ex's work situation... who knows) your ds will have a nice holiday with his dad and he'll be fine.

Pickleypickles · 04/09/2018 09:47

I don't mean this nasty but why is it ok for you to book a holiday and not your ex? 3 weeks is a long time but you will be away presumably having fun, your son will be on holiday presumably having fun and you can talk on the phone. I wouldn't like not seeing DD for 3 weeks but it's not regular and I think you are putting your wants above everyone else's.

Original poster
whirlwindlife · 04/09/2018 09:49

It would cost on excess of £500 to change my flights. Generally the relationship with the ex has involved police warnings, court and abuse but he's calmed this over the last 18 months or so. I'm tempted to change my flights to sort this out because I don't think I'll be able to spend 3 weeks away from my ds. I do feel as though my ex has done this to spite me but I'm used to that Hmm

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Quartz2208 · 04/09/2018 09:52

I think he probably has done it to spite you OP but the problem is he could argue that it would cost him to move and its easier that way. You cant change his response you can only change yours - so its either change your flights or be away the 3 weeks

Rainbowqueeen · 04/09/2018 09:52

You can also look at it that he has set a precedent so if you would like a 3 week holiday with DS later then he can’t really object.

TeddyIsaHe · 04/09/2018 09:53

Does your son want to go on holiday with his dad? Because that is what is actually important here. Yes you'll miss him I get that, but everything you've written is about what YOU want and need and not whether your son is excited about this trip? If he is then there is your answer, and you suck it up for a week and then have an amazing time in Canada. Or, you cancel your trip and be miserable at home because you're gutted you didn't go. Either way, make sure your child is happy which is the main thing here.

TheHeartOfTafiti · 04/09/2018 09:53

I think if you were able to reassure your son enough for him to be happy with 2 weeks apart, you can reassure him enough to be okay with 3, especially as he will be on holiday and enjoying himself the first week, and presumably you'll still be able to do the telephone calls etc.

You could certainly ask your ex if there is anyway the holiday could be a week later but you can't expect him to change it if you're not willing to change yours - could you, for example, cut yours shorter so you both have a week?

Angelil · 04/09/2018 09:56

YABU.
2 weeks, 3 weeks - what's the difference exactly?

Original poster
whirlwindlife · 04/09/2018 09:58

My ds isn't happy about it being 3 weeks. He will have a lovely time on holiday with his dad but it's when it gets to week two back home and then three... Two weeks was going to be iffy but three weeks is too much. I said in the original post that my son isn't happy about it and of course his feelings are my primary concern.

OP posts:
Original poster
whirlwindlife · 04/09/2018 09:59

An additional week

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juneau · 04/09/2018 10:00

No way would I want to be away from my DC for 3 weeks and if your ex has form for abuse I'd say he's done this deliberately with no thought for how it will impact your DS Sad

With all these trips and tickets booked it's going to expensive to make any changes, but if you're not going to accept it, then I think it's up to you to change your booking. TBH I think two weeks is too long, let alone three.

Standbyyourmammaryglands · 04/09/2018 10:01

Whirl you could always not go to Canada.

I think your over reacting. Why didn’t you go for just one week?

Bombardier25966 · 04/09/2018 10:02

The primary reason he'll be spending three weeks with his dad is you. If you want to change your trip to reduce the time then you are free to do so.

Shoxfordian · 04/09/2018 10:02

He'll be fine, I don't think you need to change flights

Jeanclaudejackety · 04/09/2018 10:03

Either you don't want to be without your dd and you don't go or you have this arrangement, you can't have it all ways

YolandaTheYeti · 04/09/2018 10:06

How hard would it be to change your flights? I’d do that and not tell ex tbh. In case he suddenly moves the holiday again.

That said, I’m sure three weeks would be fine too.

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 04/09/2018 10:08

Two weeks was going to be iffy but three weeks is too much.

So you already knew your DS wasn’t happy with two weeks away but you booked your holiday anyway, because you wanted to. It’s a bit rich to now decide him being unhappy should mean ex has to change his plans. You were fine with him being unhappy as long as it suited you.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 04/09/2018 10:08

Double standards here op as I say this as parent who has ds with ex. You happy to go away for 2weeks to Canada without you’re ds and you begrudge your ex taking him away.

Original poster
whirlwindlife · 04/09/2018 10:10

There is no question over whether I will be spending three weeks away from my ds, I won't. It's not about me having it all ways. I guess I'm just annoyed that he's gone ahead and booked this holiday today when he knew what it meant. Yes I was bought these flights and then asked him if he was ok with it after, but why he couldn't work around that I'll never know. It's not a question of money or work for him

OP posts:
KnotsInMay · 04/09/2018 10:12

Did you discuss your dates with your ex before you booked?
Has he given any reason for the dates he booked the holiday?

If he can’t/ won’t change, I probably would change my dates, in your situation.

FlowerpotFairyHouse · 04/09/2018 10:13

You are considering cancelling the trip to see your friend in Canada because of this?

The phrase "cutting off your nose to spite your face" comes to mind.

MrsStrowman · 04/09/2018 10:15

He doesn't have to work around you, maybe it was a lot cheaper for him to book the dates he has rather than the ones you are away, you didn't consult him before booking yours. You're very hypocritical to say your DS isn't happy to be left with dad, but this was fine when it was for your benefit. Now it's also for your ex's and your DS (who is now getting a holiday out of this -male friend didn't offer for him to come out too did he?) , suddenly it's all about your DS being comfortable.... 🙄

BitOutOfPractice · 04/09/2018 10:16

It's not about me having it all ways.

With respect I think it is!

FlowerpotFairyHouse · 04/09/2018 10:16

And I think you're making a stand.

Your ex is, presumably, doing you a favour by having your son for a fortnight to go on holiday. There was no consultation, no consideration, no compromise, just "this is happening".

So you have no problem with leaving your son for a fortnight because it suits you, but an extra few days is a problem because your ex booked it.

Frankly, I think you should grow up a bit. Frame it as something exciting and positive for your son. Let him enjoy his holiday with his dad and then go and enjoy yours too. You're making life unnecessarily difficult.

Original poster
whirlwindlife · 04/09/2018 10:17

I was bought the flights before my ex even mentioned he wanted to take my ds abroad, he never has before. If my ex wasn't happy to have ds on days id usually have him while I was away then family could have stepped in. So i wasnt expecting anything of my ex. I will have to rearrange my flights, but I still think he's been an idiot.

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