To be appalled at how most couples share childcare of a newborn?

[lmcc13]

I’m in a same-sex couple with my wife, together for 7 years and married for 2. We were delighted to add to our family four weeks ago when my wife gave birth to our beautiful baby boy. Becoming a parent, I’ve noticed lots of people (friends, colleagues and strangers) sharing anectdotes about their own parenting experiences. The thing that has shocked me most is how unequally caring for a newborn seems to be shared between the couple. We don’t have any other gay parent friends, so I don’t know if this is different in same-sex partnerships, but amongst straight couples it still seems the norm for the stay at home parent (exclusively mums in our social circle) to do the lion’s share of the work; during the day, in the evening and at night. I keep hearing “well of course if she’s breastfeeding, there’s not much you can do to help” and “well, I have to get up and go to work in the morning”. I find both comments infuriating! My wife is exclusively breastfeeding, and I am now back at work, but the list of things I can contribute towards raising our son is long. I clean and tidy the house, get shopping in, load and unload the dishwasher, change 95% of the nappies when I’m home (including all the night nappy changes), sterilise the breast pump when she expresses...etc etc. I’m up in the night every time the baby cries to change the baby, help my wife into the feeding chair, then later burp the baby and settle him back into his cot. And, like most of our friends and colleagues, I have an office job - I might be tired and incoherent at work occasionally during the day, but I’m not solely responsible for a human life! Unless the working parent drives, operates machinery or cares for others (nurses, teachers etc.) I refuse to believe that they can’t share in the exhaustion too. Very long rant, sorry! I think I’m just a very disappointed feminist to realise that parenthood seemingly transports many women back to be 1950’s. Why are women allowing this to happen, and why aren’t men stepping up more?

It is appalling to hear that others have an unequal divide. My very DH was a huge help during those early really tough weeks (and still is, we've just fallen into a different routine).

He would clean the entire house, do all the laundry, make the majority of the meals, and do all the night time nappy changes.

As time went on, we've fallen into a bit of a different routine as I was EBF and I hated waking him up for nappy changes in the night, if my LO needs a nappy change now, I'll change it because I'm already awake from feeding him. It seems silly to me to wake up my husband. But in those first weeks, I absolutely needed every bit of rest I could get.

I've taken on more household chores as my LO is happy to sit in the kitchen and play with toys while I meal prep or clean. (Plus my cooking is much better than my DH's .)

But overall I think we have a very equitable share of duties. On the weekends, we take it in turns to have a lie in. Usually my DH will take a lie in on Saturday and I'll have one on Sunday.

Thanks lisa.

What you say about your DH being home making you feel similar is exactly the point I think - having a newborn is such a concentrated, emotional part of your life that things that seem tiny loom very large, and everyone magnifies the differences for you. I remember one mum of twins in our group saying she didn't feel able to post about struggling because the other mum of twins also had a toddler! Or people with sections comparing exactly how emergency it was, how much blood was lost, whatever.

@aljopo That’s really not a nice thing to say. Are you saying that all the straight couples who’ve had IVF with a sperm donor then the father isn’t not the real father?
So many people you are friends with will have had secret IVF with sperm or egg donor. You will say how much the baby looks like the parents.

OP, I think it’s lovely that you want to be involved as much as you can and this isn’t just exclusive to gay couples. Straight couples have involved husbands too. The minority but it does happen.

(Incidentally, on the subject of feeling judged by other mums even when plainly it's in your head - I have just blushed bright red because the nice lady with the newborn, who chatted to me in my garden earlier this morning, has just walked past my window to see me obliviously mumsnetting while my toddler stares at Mr Maker and picks her nose. Oh, the shame ...)

Sharing load doesn't have to mean 50/50 faffing about with a feeding chair during the night imo is ridiculous but the op and wife seem to be in some sort of romantic bubble and thats fine but parenting for 4 weeks and saying other parents/ dads are doing it wrong is smug and patronising isn't it ?

When a woman posts saying she does get up, that she considers herself an equal partner etc, she still gets ripped to shreds

No she doesn't. When she says she does get up and she's so much better than the rest of us and so appalled by how shitty everyone else is compared to her amazingness, then she gets ripped to shreds. Although I think she's had it easy, tbh. The OP is incredibly insulting.

I hear you, OP. I also noticed a lot of women in my baby groups kept going on about how wonderful and hands on and involved their husbands were (which made me feel like shit as I simmered with resentment of my DH, who I love very much but who did not do any night wakings, did not up his game at all re: domestic duties once the baby was born, seemed incapable of using his initiative to work out, e.g. what the baby needed to wear if we were going out in the cold, etc). However, when I saw these same women in their domestic environments or at baby things with their partners, these apparent beacons of enlightened manhood were dicking around on their phones all the time and needed to be asked 50 times to do something useful, so I stopped believing the hype.

I did also see male partners who really were engaged and involved and hard-working partners and parents - - - but I also think there is a bit of sanctimony by proxy that goes on, where it raises your status to boast about what a wonderful feminist man you have chosen as the father of your child. Or - more likely, now that I think about it - where if the situation is less equitable, the woman feels ashamed about it, as though her partner's laziness is her fault or a reflection of her own worth.

Thats fine if you and your wife want to do it that way, OP. I did 99% of the childcare and housework myself and it didn't really bother me. Not that I'm supermum or anything (far from it) but I just found quick efficient ways of getting things done that suited me. Of course I had the odd bad day/night , I expect everyone does, but no need to be appalled on my behalf.

LRD it's very similar for adoptive mums except that sometimes you don't actually know the answer to "was the birth quick" or even "what time were they born/was it a c-section".

It's a relief when they get a bit older and the conversation moves on to "are they potty trained yet" or "what reading book band are they on".

Interesting, drspouse! It is odd, isn't it, how much these things matter early on. But yes, so much easier when they are older.

My experience has been that the 'worker's' excuses continue into the first decade of your child's life. And this unfair power balance completely stuff's up the person who is left at home with the children: particularly if suddenly being employed is considered higher status, even if the one (who does everything at home) has held down part time roles....It makes the homemaker's job prospects more limited, and if it escalates, as it has done in my case to coercion, emotional and psychological abuse..(Read this as being criticised for doing nothing because 'worker' has decided to fill up the dishwasher)..ruins the homemaker's mental health, rubbing, ultimately off on the children and their life chances....MUCH MORE SHOULD BE DONE TO CHALLENGE THIS ATTITUDE.

What LRDtheFeministDragon said, 100%.

I think people have taken OP's comments a little too sensitively.

I do agree with you as I've seen it myself quite a bit. However I was lucky as even though I wasn't breastfeeding, my DP said the best way with a newborn is to take turns with getting up with him. Such as he'll get up with him one night, me the next ect. It guaranteed that one of us would have a good night's sleep. We still do this 15 months on.

Aside from that he did his fair share of housework, nappy changes and feeds. All while working.

So there are partners who chip in. Your not alone OP xx

Wow, worndown, I’d definitely challenge that attitude if I’d ever experienced it. But it’s not as prevalent as you (or op) appear to think.

Sleep I didn’t say that a year old child doesn’t wake through the night. I said it’s a different proposition ie a new baby potentially wakes for cluster feeding which if you are breastfeeding only Mum can do. A one year old waking can be settled by Dad (or non feeding Mum) more easily than a newborn so it’s easier to share. It’s still hard but it’s not the same.

The point is though, it's all very convenient how these men are 'so important'. It gets wheeled out to excuse them from household tasks, childrearing, taking their share of children's sick days

I didn’t say my DH was “so important” and I’m not sure anyone else did either.

I said we chose that I’d handle the majority of night waking. That’s irrelevant to household tasks, child rearing and taking sick days all of which we do equally.

Your DH not getting up at night doesn’t mean they also ignore their child and spend all night in front of the TV.

I suspect LDR makes a good point regarding the OP’s motives for posting.

I do think that some of the responses have been less than polite however given that she came on to AIBU with 4 weeks experience of parenting and more or less said that everyone else was “doing it wrong” it’s not terribly surprising.

OP if you are still reading. Parenting is hard. You’ll find that everyone makes different choices for their family about how to handle that “hard”. Mostly they aren’t right and wrong necessarily just different.

The choices you make when they are a baby seem huge and they are but by the time they are all at school very few of those huge choices are in any way apparent in the Health or well being of the children.

That doesn’t mean your choices aren’t important. It just means that there are a million choices to be made in parenting a child. We are never going to get them all right. Most people are just doing their best.

You are a bit smug and patronising OP. My DH didn’t get up in the nights because I didn’t want him to, he would have been pointless both of us getting up. I was perfectly capable of moving the baby from the Moses basket to the bed, bf-ing them and doing a quick nappy change all by myself. My choice. Not because he didn’t want to. You appear to be judging this. It’s none of your business.

My DH used to try to get up and help but as I was breastfeeding it was a bit pointless. It's hard when you are tired to do it all, but I told him not to help in the night after a few weeks. He couldn't carry on working and driving after getting up so many times. The fatigue kicks in once the newness wears off.

I think I handled the tiredness much better than him. He ended up really suffering from anxiety about driving due to tiredness.

I can say I did at times resent the fact he was snoring away but it's just not practical that both be zombies.

Happyandshiney, if you are bottle feeding, they are exactly the same. Tbh, feeding at night was quicker at 1 month, than 1 year, so if anything harder and more time consuming. And strangely, if you do have equality at the start a baby will settle equally well for both parents.

If you want to do it all, that's fine, your choice. Just don't complain about it in years gone by, when everything seems to fall on to you, as a lot of people do. If you start with a presumption of equality, it's far easier IMO.

On this post the 'excuses' are about getting up at night. On other threads, they are about other things (that I mentioned). In every thread, large numbers of women pile in to say why their specific man can't do x, y or z. It's depressing...

DH insisted on helping with the nights when DD was born. But after two weeks he fell asleep at the wheel and got into an accident. He was lucky. It's not a good idea to be up half the night if you're working. You put yourself and others at risk. That's why only I deal with DD at night

Just responding to the OP.

On the one hand you are right, that most men are socialised to be selfish, many to be domestically lazy and, even unconcsiously, see 'motherhood' as encompassing the full domestic realm, even if they'd expect to divide domestic tasks more evenly as a childless couple. (And most women have received the same socialisation in reverse). So yes, a lot of men don't pull their weight as parents, or domestically, once a child has arrived.

A lot of women think this is normal. The rest of us (and there are many, disproportionately represented on MN) look on shocked and saddened but try not to make our struggling friends feel even worse about themselves by mentioning it tactlessly.

On the other, both of you getting up at night to share the same set of tasks it nuts. It's madly inefficient. You'll wear yourselves out.

So, I think your current choices and perspectives are based on the newness of the baby and all its associated wonder and emotions.

That's fine and normal. It's not fine to judge other people from that peculiarly emotionally cocooned perspective.

Why would I wake my husband up for the night feeds: baby cosleeping and breastfeeding and really nothing to do with him. He was far better getting some rest.

But yes he cooked and picked up the lions share of older kids care told

A four week old baby and you are posting about being a disappointed feminist?

Premature twins here, babies on two hour feeds once they came out of hospital. DH changed as many nappies, fed as many as he was able during the time he was off. And always at the weekend. We found a way to navigate two babies with hospital check ups, teething, sleeping through, colic, potty training etc.

You dont have to be assume you have found the ideal just 4 weeks, it's not your way or 50s housewife. Dont be so patronising. 4 weeks and some anecdotal comments from friends doss not make you an expert on behind closed doors.

where did you source your very sweeping statement about "most couples".?..yabu.

Whilst on maternity leave my 'job' and reason I am not at work is to tend to my babies immediate needs day and night.

My husband being in a safety critical role should not be at work if has been up numerous times overnight. Even if not in this role why should he be up every hour or two when e has a job to do the next day?

My husband does food shopping / cooking / cares for older sibling to pull his weight around the house there was no need for him to ever be up during the night as well.

Of course things can be shared around the house (and in our case are) but the reality is if maternity leave isn't to give that person the time / energy to care for said baby what's it for?

Your post is somewhat patronising and frankly had my husband woke to help me into a feeding chair he would quickly be told to get a grip and sod off in no uncertain terms

Maybe give it a few more weeks and see if you still feel the same way.

If you want to do it all, that's fine, your choice. Just don't complain about it in years gone by, when everything seems to fall on to you, as a lot of people do

I feel you aren’t really listening to me Sleep My twins are ten years old and I’ve never “done it all”. We’ve always worked together.

DH has always been very hands on. “Equal parenting” doesn’t mean you both have to do all the same jobs. It means you work together to get everything done.