To be appalled at how most couples share childcare of a newborn?

[lmcc13]

I’m in a same-sex couple with my wife, together for 7 years and married for 2. We were delighted to add to our family four weeks ago when my wife gave birth to our beautiful baby boy. Becoming a parent, I’ve noticed lots of people (friends, colleagues and strangers) sharing anectdotes about their own parenting experiences. The thing that has shocked me most is how unequally caring for a newborn seems to be shared between the couple. We don’t have any other gay parent friends, so I don’t know if this is different in same-sex partnerships, but amongst straight couples it still seems the norm for the stay at home parent (exclusively mums in our social circle) to do the lion’s share of the work; during the day, in the evening and at night. I keep hearing “well of course if she’s breastfeeding, there’s not much you can do to help” and “well, I have to get up and go to work in the morning”. I find both comments infuriating! My wife is exclusively breastfeeding, and I am now back at work, but the list of things I can contribute towards raising our son is long. I clean and tidy the house, get shopping in, load and unload the dishwasher, change 95% of the nappies when I’m home (including all the night nappy changes), sterilise the breast pump when she expresses...etc etc. I’m up in the night every time the baby cries to change the baby, help my wife into the feeding chair, then later burp the baby and settle him back into his cot. And, like most of our friends and colleagues, I have an office job - I might be tired and incoherent at work occasionally during the day, but I’m not solely responsible for a human life! Unless the working parent drives, operates machinery or cares for others (nurses, teachers etc.) I refuse to believe that they can’t share in the exhaustion too. Very long rant, sorry! I think I’m just a very disappointed feminist to realise that parenthood seemingly transports many women back to be 1950’s. Why are women allowing this to happen, and why aren’t men stepping up more?

rummaging around in my desk draw "no sorry OP cant find that medal for you"

Sounds like you are doing the lion's share, basically all your wife is doing is feeding the baby. Meanwhile your doing everything else...oh dear not so equal as you've perceived it to be.

You also seem to be willingly putting yourself through sleep deprivation for some strange validation and sense of self worth.

Good luck with that.

It's all very well if you have an easy desk job and can sleep-walk your way through the working day after having barely any sleep. Most working people have more demanding jobs and couldn't cope with that.

When we had our son, our only income was from DH's new business. Despite 12 hour working days, he still managed to do his fair share of household/childcare duties and I was very impressed that he did, but 90% of it was down to me. I had to stop him from doing too much as we were dependant upon him and if he fell ill or couldn't work on building up the business, we'd have been destitute. I know he felt guilty at leaving it mostly to me, but we needed the business to be a success and needed the money he was earning. He was also driving a lot which meant I was very aware of making sure he got mostly a good night's sleep. Him having an accident due to tiredness or a heart attack due to stress would have ruined us.

50/50 sharing is fine if one of you has maternity pay and the other an easy job, but life isn't like that for most people.

Well, you only have to look at all the messages posted here to see how many men are completely shit when it comes to keeping their own children alive, fed and healthy, but of course people who ARE happy with things don't tend to post on here!

Whatever works for you, OP. And congrats on your baby!

You sound like a complete fuss budget.

I EBF. My husband stayed asleep at night. There was no need for us both to be up and he needed to get up early for work.

He was, however, more than an equal partner and did the lion's share of everything else

I agree. I am disappointed to see how childcare is still largely 'women's work'. In my experience little has changed since I was a child. A lot of men do as little as possible and alot of women 'keep' childcare to themselves as an excuse to not go back to work (IME). We have seen some humdinger examples of this.. DH has a friend who is married 1 child. Child is now 7. Mother is so absorbed in childcare even though child is now at school that she cannot possibly get a job (she cannot cook and has a cleaner so is no Nigella Lawson..).

Like many others on this thread, my DP (male if it matters) does everything you describe except the night feeds. I'm breastfeeding so DD just needs fed and then back to sleep. If she is a bit unsettled he does offer to rock her to sleep but I'd rather he had a decent nights sleep so if I've had a bad night he sends me off for a nap during the day.

It means you work together to get everything done.

Exactly. The worst thing is for both to be doing the same thing, i.e. waking up together in the night and both losing sleep. That's pointless. We shared the workload. We never bathed DS together or read stories together etc - one of us was with DS whilst the other did some other housework. Sitting together whilst feeding is some kind of romantic dream but completely unrealistic in practical terms.

My husband was fucking amazing when I had my twins so don't generalise the male population with your shit research.

Happyandshiney, I am listening. I just don't agree that it sounds equal to me.

sallythesheep73

I presume you can afford good childcare or have a job that fits around school hours?

I breastfed and co-slept and DP slept in the spare room for about a year. Not sure what use it was for him to get up at night when I was feeding DS, who always wanted me anyway. I preferred that he got a good night’s sleep, wasn’t knackered at work and was able to do more with DS after work and at weekends so I could have a break then.

Reckon you've touched a nerve OP! Sounds like you are a fantastic co-parent (co-Mum?) and are bonding with your baby in tangible ways too. I suspect that many detractors are just jealous.

Why the hair shirt? If you are working full-time it isn't unreasonable for your partner to do the lion's share of the night waking. You might think it's reasonable to be incoherent and inefficient in the day time but do your colleagues, do the people who you share a road with (assuming you are driving)? Your baby is the most important person in the world to you both right now but life must go on - you need your job, you need the income.

I went back to work full time with all my babies after a few months. it nearly killed me. I carried on breast feeding at night for years. I didn't sleep properly for years. I was utterly exhausted for years. I am sure my work suffered, my mental health suffered, I am now a chronic depressive. If you have a bad night with a baby you can't just have a nap at work, you can't even just sit down and put your feet up when you are at work. Babies seem like relentless work but they most of them do give you some respite - when you are working outside the home you can't take advantage of it.

I'd have given anything to be able to give up work and be at home with my baby, or alternatively have someone else be mum so I could work without the endless exhaustion. Don't downplay the importance of your role.

Don't burn out, because raising a child is a marathon not a sprint and there will be many years when your input will matter just as much as your wife's.

4 weeks in with the first child will make you the expert I suppose. Like other people said sounds like you are not sharing at all.

"Touched a nerve"
"Jealous"

Yep, that's it.

You could also try "chip on the shoulder" and "pissing on people's chips". They're both sure fire debate winners too!

Well, you only have to look at all the messages posted here to see how many men are completely shit when it comes to keeping their own children alive, fed and healthy, but of course people who ARE happy with things don't tend to post on here!

Well obviously people who are happy enough in their relationships aren't posting. Since this is a forum mostly populated by women we don't get to hear the complaints of men whose wives are useless. I'm not discounting the fact that women might in general do more than their fair share but using mumsnet forums as evidence isn't very convincing!

And all this vitriol about helping OP's wife into a chair, ffs! Maybe the birth mum had a broken coccyx or unresolved SPD? I was still using a crutch for weeks after DS was born and had to sit on a special cushion because of my coccyx, and I got an infection in my stitches too. I used to feed in bed but if I'd been in a chair, DP would have helped be get comfortable if I'd need help. Why have so many posters got so little empathy or imagination?

There's always a swearing one, are you incapable of commenting without foul language?

Congratulations on your new baby 👶🏾

Some mums have lovely OHs, some don't. I'm not sure it's a gender thing though!

Don't lose your job, else all three of you will be in the shit 💩

It's not mutually imcompatible to know that, on average, women often do more housework and child rearing than men, and that babies rarely need two adults looking after them at the same time. I've had friends who've bottle fed, and have taken it in turns with nightfeeds; that's a way of sharing nights I could get on board with. But in the times when the mother is breastfeeding the child's other parent is better spending their energy on the housework/cooking/earning a living/older kids/sleeping so they can do all the rest. And then other other parent has time with the baby when they're not being fed.

CatherineCrewe yes they could have afforded childcare and actually the wife was a qualified teacher so yes it would have fitted around school times too. Her husband works from home some of the time. So nothing holding her back other than herself...
Don't get me wrong there are examples of chaps pulling their weight but the large majority do not.

NRTT but just wanted to say,

I find it pointless when both parents get up in the night. I find it selfish when the sahp makes the working parent get up in the night.

I'm a sahm, my dh contribution to caring for our children is paying the bills, putting a roof over our head and food on the table. It's my job to look after the house and the kids. He helps out and I expect him to pick up after himself but I would never dream of asking him to hover or get up for a night feed. I by far have the eaiser job at home all day.

Obviously it's different when your both working but if mum is on maternity leave and dad is getting up at 6am for work, it's a bit selfish asking him to get up in the middle of the night to sort out the baby. If you want him to do it let him have some paternity leave.

For what it’s worth OP my DH got up and helped me in the night despite me EBF and him having a job to go to.

I had a baby that hardly slept, I was crippled with tiredness and I was really overwhelmed especially at night time (partially I think because I felt lonely and like I didn’t know what I was doing).

He changed a nappy if needed or rocked the baby back to sleep if I couldn’t manage it. Or just checked if I was ok.

Of course we were both then completely exhausted but you know what I bloody appreciated it because I needed that support.

Clearly as you’ve seen here lots of mums don’t need or want that support it in the night. Everyone does it differently.....

@SpottyBetty I wouldn't say my DH did 50% of the share load nor either would I say he was useless.

If anything he was imperative to the survival of our family unit. He kept the roof over our head and kept me sane. He worked away Monday morning to Friday afternoon in the armed forces. But no matter what he had been up to all week i.e classroom learning or night attack excercise in the Brecon Beacons. The first thing he did when he walked through that front door was pick up DS give me a cuddle and send me off to bed for a nap.

DS was FF so DH would do the majority of the feeds Friday night, we shared on Saturdays and I did them all on Sunday night so he was tested to drive back to camp. I still cooked dinner on the weekend, he did the dishes. We just bumbled through the weekends together doing what we could to help one another.

So no on paper he didn't have anywhere close to 50% but the man worked hard, he looks after us and he adores DS and has a wonderful bond with him.

Everyone's different but OP clearly thinks she needs some validation and some praise for her "selfless efforts"