To be appalled at how most couples share childcare of a newborn?

[lmcc13]

I’m in a same-sex couple with my wife, together for 7 years and married for 2. We were delighted to add to our family four weeks ago when my wife gave birth to our beautiful baby boy. Becoming a parent, I’ve noticed lots of people (friends, colleagues and strangers) sharing anectdotes about their own parenting experiences. The thing that has shocked me most is how unequally caring for a newborn seems to be shared between the couple. We don’t have any other gay parent friends, so I don’t know if this is different in same-sex partnerships, but amongst straight couples it still seems the norm for the stay at home parent (exclusively mums in our social circle) to do the lion’s share of the work; during the day, in the evening and at night. I keep hearing “well of course if she’s breastfeeding, there’s not much you can do to help” and “well, I have to get up and go to work in the morning”. I find both comments infuriating! My wife is exclusively breastfeeding, and I am now back at work, but the list of things I can contribute towards raising our son is long. I clean and tidy the house, get shopping in, load and unload the dishwasher, change 95% of the nappies when I’m home (including all the night nappy changes), sterilise the breast pump when she expresses...etc etc. I’m up in the night every time the baby cries to change the baby, help my wife into the feeding chair, then later burp the baby and settle him back into his cot. And, like most of our friends and colleagues, I have an office job - I might be tired and incoherent at work occasionally during the day, but I’m not solely responsible for a human life! Unless the working parent drives, operates machinery or cares for others (nurses, teachers etc.) I refuse to believe that they can’t share in the exhaustion too. Very long rant, sorry! I think I’m just a very disappointed feminist to realise that parenthood seemingly transports many women back to be 1950’s. Why are women allowing this to happen, and why aren’t men stepping up more?

I think you sound like a great partner! If only this was the prevailing attitude....

So strong “”shocked” feelings? Good you want to do all the chores etc. But other couples decide what works for them. Some are even traditionalists and will have wife to stay at home and she will cook and look after the house and children and husband... so? Where is an issue? If all parties happy? Not everyone wants to be fire blazing equality screaming couples. Many women LOVE to look after the house and children without men interfering. And all men and new fathers are amazing helpers but it serves everyone if they dont drive and run over somebody on a way to work after doing non stop childcare and chores at home after exhausting commute and full on day working days...
the post sounds very judgemental about wjat other people choose to do as a family.
Do a lot if you like or dont. But let others be too.
Cleaning and doing all the chores dont make anyone into a better parent or spouse.

Newborn parent alert. They know better than the rest of us of course. Your judging is so small minded and egotistical. Did it ever occur to you people have their own ways of working things out and have equally good relationships as yourself.

Can't get over the nasty comments to lmcc1 's post.
Well done on being so supportive to your wife . I remember being really disappointed at how little my OH did when our babies arrived. Keep up the good work and congrats on your little boy such a blessing .

But people are being defensive on this thread because they think you're implying that same sex couples like yourself are different
biebermylove nope I don't think being same sex has anything to do with it. If a man in a hetero relationship came on and said "AIBU to think that I am an amazing husband to my wife, but most other husbands out there are shit" he would probably get slated too.

This isn't my experience.

Amongst our baby groups a fair amount have taken advantage of shared parental leave. We both work from home and share childcare.

At baby swimming last week I was sat waiting to go in chatting with a Dad who was asking what my partner and I did for work, when I returned the question he replied that his son was his full time job plus the housework and cooking, he said he loved it but his statutory paternity pay was due to stop which would make things tight but his wife was going for a promotion at work which he'd be really surprised if she didn't get because she's "amazing and so incredibly smart". All this from a 'manly' man. Found it very refreshing.

I think it's fine either way around or shared, whatever works for the couple, but really like that (in our experience at least) it's becoming more normal to be either parent that can have either "role" or both.

Well I stayed home ONLY because I was the one entitled to paid maternity leave at the time and my husband who would have preferred to be at home with the baby had to go to work. We'd have preferred a role reversal but the law didn't allow it.

He also did the night feeds despite having to get up for work (because I was mental) and absolutely shared everything 50/50 with me.

She slept through after 3 months so it was no longer an issue but he's still the one more likely to get up for a bad dream or something.

I think you're generalising a bit much. My partner is a wonderful, hands on modern dad and almost all my friends have similarly involved male partners.

Breast feeding on-demand and co-sleeping until the teenage years is where it can all go wrong and the mother gets locked into the role or constantly feeding. As long as you get a copy of Gina Ford and ignore all the attachment parenting nonsense, you can share the parenting 50/50 and both stay sane.

hubby and I have been together 35 years. we have always shared life. I earnt more/ he earnt more, didn't matter, we shared our lives. when babies came along, I did the 8 pm feed, then went to bed, he did the midnight feed, then went to bed, I woke up and did the 4 am feed. easy. most people I know have worked it the same. the working parent gets to sleep through on the basis that the one temporarily staying at home with the newborn can catnap during the day if needed. We have always shared equally, we are a team. as others said, I would find it stifling if someone had to 'help' me into a chair and did everything. each parent needs alone time with the baby to bond I think. Maybe it is just your circle of friends that seem to do the traditional stuff?

As long as you get a copy of Gina Ford and ignore all the attachment parenting nonsense, you can share the parenting 50/50 and both stay sane.

Listening to the advice of a woman who has never had a child - great idea! Attachment parenting is just following what feels natural to you as a parent. Eg your baby cries so pick it up. Not sure how that’s “nonsense”.

It is total bs that breastfeeding on demand and co sleeping "locks" mothers into a role that they don't want long term. That happens because of the sexism and attitudes of their male partners.

Parenting equally doesn't mean that all tasks must be split 50/50. That's a very simplistic approach.

Nobody outside a couple themselves know how ".fair" the sharing of domestic/baby chores is.

If the SAHParent is doing 100% of the feeding, changing, night waking etc etc that may still be fair if the other (working outside the home) parent is working very long hours in a highly stressful job requiring intensely high levels of concentration. Being FT carer for a baby/small child is incredibly demanding but there are usually downtimes, which allow for rest during the average day. This can compensate for the nighttime feeds, etc.
What I don't get at all is both parents being up in the night. What on earth is the point of that?

Wow. You must be knackered.

I don't understand why both of you need to be up at night? Why have both of you doing this op, I don't understand. Especially if you are going to work each morning, your wife should be the one up in the night.
It's great that you help as much as you can in other areas but if she is breastfeeding, it doesn't make any sense to do things like helping her into the chair (why can't she get in the chair herself?), burping and changing the nappy.
If you are using expressed milk then I could see your logic in giving each other the night off but when exc bf, the baby ultimately is seeking that comfort to settle.
From this angle, it makes me realise how husbands must feel - a bit left out, not wanted and we are perhaps to hard and demanding on them. You have to go to work op, you need to sleep.

We split everything. DH did the midnight ish feed while I went to bed around 10pm. I did the 3-4am feed and any other night wakings after he'd settled the baby (as I was sah so could sometimes nap in day and didn't have to drive) and we both got up at 7/8ish. Weekends we had a lie in 1 day each. Evening and weekend care was split in whatever way worked best for us at the time. Same thing for all of our kids, despite each one being born into different work circumstances.

Not everyone's husband is a useless fucker.

If the mother breastfeeds her baby, the father can't really help with that though. Its not something you can split 50:50.

Regardless, couples find their own way. Some just like being more traditional, so what. As someone said why have two people get up in the night rather than one - just bizarre. Its probably because "same sex" couple and both want to be "mothers" (irony). Most heterosexual couples won't have that issue or competition.

Wow. I’m really surprised at all the negativity towards OP. “Sanctimonious”... harsh! I have a 6month old baby who’s EBF. My DP cooks about half the evening meals and takes the bins out, and has changed about 20 nappies max. I do everything else - shopping, laundry, bills, nappies, bathtime etc ( I have a cleaner ).

I agree with people’s comments that only the breastfeeding parent can do the night feeds...and all the feeds for that matter. However, when my baby was very little I felt like my DP was missing out on the bonding experience of BFing so I totally get why OP would want to be involved in that part of the process. But I do think that feeling is likely to be stronger because OP is a woman. Yes, I’m generalising, but science says men and women have different hormones including those that affect maternal instincts.

Anyway, my point is, don’t be so harsh on OP! And OP - it’s great that you want to and feel you are able to be so involved. Because many DPs don’t have the same inclination, and I’ll probably be shot down for this, but many DPs don’t give the baby and their partner the priority that they should. Yes, work is important to pay the bills but having a new baby is only for such a relatively short period of time (and as long as you won’t get the sack and/no lives are at risk) then your family should have priority. Who cares if you’re a bit tired at work if your contributing to your at-home partner’s emotional and physical well-being and taking responsibility for your new child.

Congratulations to you and your DP, OP! It sounds like your both doing a great job and keep doing it how you both feel is right for you both three xx

I get what you're saying OP but I think the issue is that one parent is often working ( in most cases, the male) and, if you are working, it is fairly knackering to be up in the night. But, yes, in 2018, women seem to do the lion's share.

I was surprised that some mums in my antenatal group (including me) were a bit possessive of their babies and most of our partners were happy to let us get on with it. It's a control thing but I wanted to do all the baby care which frustrated my husband and he felt a bit shut out. I was happy to let him take over the housework and cooking but the other mums like me also kept that on, running around during their baby's naptimes while during that time I rested. They seemed to be happy with their way of life and I'm a feminist shocked that I've enjoyed the more traditional role. I'm lucky that my husband wants to step in at all times though.

What on earth is a nursing chair ?

It's chair that's designed to sit and breastfeed in, often with a matching footstool. They often glide rather than rock.

You both get up with the baby ? That’s beyond daft . Seriously ! Most people do what works for them . Here’s your medal 🥇

If I can recall, for my babies, I did everything, as my partner worked long hours at a job he needed his wits about him for. During the weekend I caught up on sleep when he watched over baby. And now for the horror of horrors, he did not do one nappy change! But, he was very good at getting down and playing with toddler age. Sometimes, men are just not into babies but get better as the babies grow up. This was my experience anyway.

This made me laugh so much 🤣 I would’ve been the same

"Sometimes, men are just not into babies but get better as the babies grow up. "

Many women aren't, but they get on with it anyway.

I haven't read the whole post but I don't think you come across as sanctimonious OP, I think you come across as caring and considerate and like a lovely new parent (congratulations!)

Of course your partner probably doesn't NEED helped into the feeding chair, but in the absence of anything NEEDING done at least you're up, being an adult human to talk to and trying to do anything you can to help

I agree with PP that I'd have probably bit my partners head off (in fact I did!) for trying to do what I considered to be "useless tasks" when we were dealing with newborns, but your intentions are good, you sound like a great partner for what it's worth and I'm sure your partner appreciates it regardless of the hormones! Dealing with newborns is haaaaaaard. If anybody thinks back I'm sure we'd all agree that really the human race basically should have killed itself off by now 😩🙈

Being in a same sex relationship I'd imagine it may add an extra layer of difficulty trying to navigate the "mothering" feeling whilst doing the traditional "working dad". Is that maybe conflicting in some way? (I hope that made sense!) Anyway, they aren't wee for long (thank god!) so get all the snuggles in while you can. Good luck! X