To be appalled at how most couples share childcare of a newborn?

[lmcc13]

I’m in a same-sex couple with my wife, together for 7 years and married for 2. We were delighted to add to our family four weeks ago when my wife gave birth to our beautiful baby boy. Becoming a parent, I’ve noticed lots of people (friends, colleagues and strangers) sharing anectdotes about their own parenting experiences. The thing that has shocked me most is how unequally caring for a newborn seems to be shared between the couple. We don’t have any other gay parent friends, so I don’t know if this is different in same-sex partnerships, but amongst straight couples it still seems the norm for the stay at home parent (exclusively mums in our social circle) to do the lion’s share of the work; during the day, in the evening and at night. I keep hearing “well of course if she’s breastfeeding, there’s not much you can do to help” and “well, I have to get up and go to work in the morning”. I find both comments infuriating! My wife is exclusively breastfeeding, and I am now back at work, but the list of things I can contribute towards raising our son is long. I clean and tidy the house, get shopping in, load and unload the dishwasher, change 95% of the nappies when I’m home (including all the night nappy changes), sterilise the breast pump when she expresses...etc etc. I’m up in the night every time the baby cries to change the baby, help my wife into the feeding chair, then later burp the baby and settle him back into his cot. And, like most of our friends and colleagues, I have an office job - I might be tired and incoherent at work occasionally during the day, but I’m not solely responsible for a human life! Unless the working parent drives, operates machinery or cares for others (nurses, teachers etc.) I refuse to believe that they can’t share in the exhaustion too. Very long rant, sorry! I think I’m just a very disappointed feminist to realise that parenthood seemingly transports many women back to be 1950’s. Why are women allowing this to happen, and why aren’t men stepping up more?

My dad was like you and everyone thought it was very weird especially when he said he enjoyed it. My dad only runs on 4 hours sleep though even though there's no babies now at home with them. When I had my first still living at home with my parents he used to always help me to so I could go and sleep waking me up when he had to go in to work at 7 after having him since 4. And grabbing him as soon as he'd come back so I could do all the bottles don't know what I would of done without him as my baby's dad at the time was very hands off not wanting to do much just incase he broke him lol. So I had both ends I prefferd my dad just to let you know lol 😂 so I think your awsome as my dad :)

Spend some time outside your own bubble and realise that the inequality is not everywhere.
Don't assume about other people, it makes you sound like a fool.

The point of maternity leave is to allow one parent to focus on the baby so that the other one can carry on at work. You’re doing no-one any favours by going into work exhausted right now. Great that you’re doing the lion’s share of childcare when you’re not at work though. You could also look into sharing maternity leave so that you both get the experience?

I would never have expected dh to get up in the night however ds slept through the night from 7 weeks and dd slept through from 12 weeks so it was never an issue when I got back to work. I was sole earner when ds was born and went back to work after 4 months and dh was expected to do everything then! Except cook, I always cook but I like it. It’s up to the couple and what works for them.

Inequality it absolutely rife - I know so many women whose careers have floundered after having children and it’s only after the kids are at primary school etc do they realise they’ll never catch up. A huge part of that is men not pulling their weight at home and so it all falls to the mum who ends up sidelining either her career or her sanity.

Before anyone states the obvious...there are exceptions to every rule but that is by far the norm.

My own husband could do more in terms of housework and the emotional/practical labour of running a family but he was always great at night. I couldn’t breast feed so we simply split the night feeds by taking turns. With our second that was every 2hrs until she was three 😂. Sure we were both tired but we were in it together - no maternity/paternity at all btw as we have our own business.

For us, I did the children, school, taking care of them as babies until bath time, My DH did the housework, bath and bedtime. Now I'm at work, he still does the housework (as he work 4am-2pm) and I drop off and collect children, homework and shopping. Weekends we do housework, washing and days out together. Works for us,

What’s the point of two people getting up to help a breastfed baby ?? I breastfed so I got up at night for that while husband slept because he DID have to go work the next day as well as help with house work and cooking before and after work and making sure I was doing ok .
Nothing wrong with a woman focusing on that first year and nursing the baby in demand while partner works and helps in house where he can .

Now kids are older care is shared and he did all the getting up in the night once they were weaned . It balanced out .

Of course it’s shit that it’s mainly women doing housework and cooking even when both work in many cases but that’s another subject entirely as this was about babies and breastfeeding .

‘clean and tidy the house, get shopping in, load and unload the dishwasher, change 95% of the nappies when I’m home’

I’m pretty sure most partners do this while their babies are young and being nursed by a tired mum

I think you're totally right OP and mumsnet is usually full of people complaining about this. But people are being defensive on this thread because they think you're implying that same sex couples like yourself are different (although I don't think thats what you are saying).

What’s a nursing chair?? Is it a rocking chair or is it some new thing people have thought up to buy?

I just fed in bed lying down .... didn’t lose much sleep which was awesome but I suppose a nice rocking chair would have been quite nice to have tho it would involve getting up which I’d like rather less

Hello? It's because you're a woman, you're wired to do that, most men are not and have to get back to work.

My husband does everything you have listed in at least equal amount to me (except 'help me into a chair' - I am capable of sitting in a chair by myself!) plus full time work and looking after our toddler when at home. Dont know where you got "most" from.

Our DD is now 5 but tbh we both did a decent share my husband cooked lots of meals to freeze pre birth so we didnt have to fuss with cooking and could both enjoy our new born. We took everything else 50/50 too i think every couple same sex or not should share in all the joys, tiredness etc of new born children, but on the other hand I do know lots of couples where the woman does the lions share. Each to their owm do what suites you!! Enjoy the time with your little one and congrats to you both OP!

Agree! Of course they do!

He didn’t want any of ours in our bedroom
He said kids are my department
Sorry, icanbewhatiwant but he sounds awful. Did he actually want kids at all? You are, I hope, in the minority. I hope he looks after you in other ways.

nurgleturgle I don't think it's fair to say 95% of men are extremely lazy just because yours is. My Dad, 2 brothers, DH, male cousins and the majority of my friend's partners are all brilliant Dads who share the workload. I'm sorry this has not been your experience.

Wow, i'm so happy for the ladies that did get assistance with their newborns. I had to beg my now ex partner for any help. He never bathed her, never played, never got up in the night, and found it a chore to watch her whilst i did dinner or tried to get a shower. He used to get in from work and sit on his xbox till 3 in the morning complaining that his dinner wasn't ready for when he got home. He claimed he shouldn't have to do any of it as he works. For a long time i believed it. I agree it should be 50/50 and it warms my heart knowing that alot of couples are both willing to put in the effort. Well done for you all.

Everyone is different. Frankly, when I was up breastfeeding my babies in the night, about the last thing I wanted was my dh fussing around, 'helping' out. I enjoyed the peace and quiet and one-on-one time with my baby. I don't know why you find it infuriating I preferred to let my dh sleep and get to work refreshed and ready to go. He did his thing, I did mine. Yes, I did the lion's share of housework when I was on mat leave because I was better at it, and being at home made it possible for me to schedule various chores when they worked for me. My dh did those things he was better at gardening, keeping the car looked after, etc. It worked because the division of labour made sense due to our schedules and abilities. I think the real issue is your take on it, and your assumptions. Live and let live -- how people choose to cope with their children and home life is their business, not yours.

You say that now....

And he gave you no indication of his extreme selfishness before you had children with him, Wilding?

Hard to believe.

I’m sorry to sound harsh but I also agree with what the majority of others have said on this thread. You come across as very smug and like you’re showing off how wonderful you are to help your wife so much. Good for you, but I think your whole post is a little weird. You come across quite opinionated on what you think, and have made a huge generalisation which simply isn’t true. My DH worked full time and in a driving job and did all the night feeds and shared everything equally, because he wanted to. You shouldn’t be so judgemental of others.

For a relationship to be fair not all jobs need to be split equally- including childcare.

Same sex couple here
? How can you know what goes on in private relationships?
Agree lots of studies show that in many relationships the woman does more than her fair share of house work child care
I did all nights by myself in spare room for 14 months totally happy with that I could handle the sleeplessness
Wife does all cleaning cooking driving
Women need to accept each other's parenting choices and support each other, some men need to majorly step up

My OH did very little hands on with our children when they were young.

We do the jobs we are best suited to.

Even now years later we still have divisions of tasks, it works for us.

Bit much to say you’re ‘appalled’. Everyone finds their own way to get by.
Sounds like you are very pleased with yourself... or perhaps you were looking for a load of strangers to validate how wonderful you are

I'm with you OP. I think the division of labour between the genders is crap.

On some level I wish I could have been born a lesbian so that I could have a wife.

I say on some level because unfortunately I am heterosexual, and so its hard to picture things any other way. I dearly love my husband, but every bit of progress we make towards equal share of domestic labour feels like a watershed moment.

And from experience and anecdote of others, he is a pretty forward thinking man compared to most.