Finding first day at school photos upsetting

[getupdressandshowup]

I am struggling with long term infertility and at this time of year (with children starting school) it's a bit tough for me. I will never have the joy of these firsts. My family would not understand.

So sorry to hear this, just wanted to let you know that this is a huge part of why I don't post these types of photos as I have a friend in a similar position.

I do hope you know that you can allow yourself to feel upset (without sounding patronising, I know sometimes people find guilt with feeling this way) and don't try to hold it in, it must be deeply traumatising for you 💗

I’m sorry for your troubles OP. It hadn’t crossed my mind people may feel this way (though I only have 1 childless friend on Facebook who is so by choice). Would you consider fostering or adopting? Sounds like you would make a lovely mum / mum figure xx

This is really hard.

I would adopt but husband does not want to

Oh OP that must be so hard for you :( pulled both ways. I don’t know what else to say really, other than I’m really sorry you are feeling this way and I hope the week passes quickly without too much upset, and sending hope that things will all work out for you long term XX

I'm sorry that you are, understandably, feeling this way

Have you considered deactivating your social media for a couple of weeks. You could say your having. A digital detox. I quit Facebook a year ago mainly because of fomo and family issues- best thing I ever did. I have an account now just for using marketplace.

Keep away from social media for a week and that might help.

Op that's really hard for you. Not just the long term infertility but that your husband doesn't want to adopt.

Have you had counselling as a couple?

After 4 years of navigating through infertility and IVF treatments I know how you feel. I found coming off Facebook helped hugely as some days you are simply bombarded with happy updates which just ruin your day. Perhaps set up a separate instagram account (if you use Instagram) and follow accounts with people in a similar position to you (there are thousands on there and it’s been a godsend to me over the years when I just needed to interact with people who understood). Sending you love xx

That's really sad. It's a shame your husband will not adopt, I don't understand that - what's his reasons?

You can get babies that are weeks/months old that will never know any different to you as their parents and would love a stable home.

It's not easy coming off Facebook. I'll keep off it as much as I can fit next few days.I'm hormonal which isn't helping. I'm feeling sorry for myself which is so unattractive. Im off to work now. In a preschool of all places!

for you. I deactivated my Facebook account a year ago first few weeks are tempting but after that it's no problem and a great idea

I’m sorry to hear this. Sometimes Facebook can be triggering. For me it’s Fathers Day.
All you can do is try and stay away for a few days till it passes. Try and make plans so you don’t have too much time on your hands.

There is something called scroll free September which is about taking a break from social media in September and has a number of ways of doing it... might help you a bit. I can imagine it’s really hard but just try to remember that people aren’t doing it to upset you.

www.rsph.org.uk/our-work/campaigns/scroll-free-september.html

I have found unfollowing people who's posts upset you is ok. Sending lots of love.

Photos can be very emotional and there will be different triggers for different people. I've switched off the Facebook memories function because it kept popping up with photos of my mum, who died a few months ago. I agree with keeping busy and distracted until the moment has passed.

Sorry your family wouldn’t understand 💐

To want a baby is awful and I understand how you feel

I suffered from infertility for 10yrs and finally got preg after 5 ivf

Tho have to say the school pics never bothered me. Nice to see happy smiling faces

Where as the memories does get me at times esp when see pics of my husband and mum. Both who died

I don’t know your situation if you have tried ivf. The failures are heart breaking if you have 💐💐

But try and chat with your husband. Will you resent him for not trying adoption or other means of trying to have children

A friend of mine left her partner as he didn’t want kids and she went it alone and adopted a little girl

Thinking of you and maybe avoid fb for a week till all back at school

I’m sorry you’re so upset. I know it’s not the same (I am so very lucky to have two children), but I still hate seeing scan pictures after I had a miscarriage 2.5 years ago. So I can understand the sinking feeling of logging onto Facebook and seeing something which you can’t have.

I'm sorry to hear you are having fertility problems. I know it's difficult. I also now have 2 children, one with severe disabilitys and another who has health problems. I do post first day photos because I'm proud of how far both of them have come despite their problems. And vat ties and people love to see tha. I can see this is upsetting for you, I honestly can but often these photos have a much deeper meaning for the poster than just a first day back at school.

You can get babies that are weeks/months old that will never know any different to you as their parents and would love a stable home.

Such a common misconception about adoption - very few newborn babies are placed for adoption, the legal processes mean a few months have passed unless you do foster to adopt which is a challenging process in itself. Children need to know about their adoption story so even with very small children they will know they’re adopted. In adoption all parties come to the process from a place of loss, it’s a very worthwhile but challenging process. Adoption isn’t a substitute for having a birth child, it’s a completely different way of creating a family. It’s perfectjy reasonable to not want to adopt, while really wanting to be a parent.

I’m sorry for your situation OP, it’s hard to see happy smiling families when that’s not been part of your story.

Well said Jellycat.

OP, YANBU for finding it really hard. I remember how I felt years ago when I would see those sorts of photos at a time when it looked like I’d never have a desperately-wanted child of my own. As Christmas approaches, it may be worth unfollowing a lot of friends who have children. It’s not the same as deleting them, and they will never know, but it means you don’t have the photos appear on your timeline. Self-preservation is key with these things .

Gosh Blondes what an awful time you have had, and what good advice you have given OP for both of you. I too suffered from infertility, and IVF eventually worked for me, and BIL and SIL were also infertile and they adopted 2 children. So in our family we know the pain you are going for you, even though we are lucky and it worked out in the end.

I can only echo what PPs have said, to come off SM for a while, and try talking / couples counselling with your husband. Maybe try to talk to people who have adopted to find out more about the process. BIL and SIL’s children were both under 1 when they came to live with them, they don’t remember anything else.

@Soooyeah Tue 04-Sep-18 06:39:56
I’m sorry for your troubles OP. It hadn’t crossed my mind people may feel this way (though I only have 1 childless friend on Facebook who is so by choice). Would you consider fostering or adopting? Sounds like you would make a lovely mum / mum figure xx

You can't JUST adopt . It takes years to pass the checks and then possibly even longer to find the right match for the adopter/adoptee. For future reference, this is an incredibly hurtful and patronising thing to say to people.

I didn’t say “you could just adopt” did I. I said would it be something to consider. Where in my post does it say “just adopt you will get a kid next week then”? Nowhere. So how that’s hurtful and patronising I do not know.