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AIBU?

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Original poster

Finding first day at school photos upsetting

123 replies

getupdressandshowup · 04/09/2018 06:34

I am struggling with long term infertility and at this time of year (with children starting school) it's a bit tough for me. I will never have the joy of these firsts. My family would not understand.

OP posts:
PersianCatLady · 04/09/2018 13:31

Insensitive to post pictures of your children on your own social media?
I don't understand that at all.

If the photos upset you so much, stop looking!

IrmaFayLear · 04/09/2018 13:33

No wonder people get depressed when they look at others' social media. It is not a great way of sharing genuine joy as Psychedelia says, but a means to brag to the widest possible audience.

I don't do FB and I'm so glad, when I take a sneak peak via dh's at various people. Why are they posting pictures of their holidays, their new kitchens, their dcs, if not to try to get a rush out of being pleased that somewhere out there there's someone who is feeling jealous or downhearted that their life is inferior ?

lottiegarbanzo · 04/09/2018 13:34

I understand that you feel like that and do feel great sympathy. The only solution is not to look.

Of course people will be posting these sorts of photos at the moment. It is completely normal and reasonable that they do so. If you don't like to see them, don't look. At least not looking at Facebook is something you can choose to do - unlike opting out of other areas of life.

bananafish81 · 04/09/2018 13:34

When you're involuntarily childless I recommended avoiding FB altogether on

First day of school
World book day
Mother's day
Father's day

DH also texts me if a friend has posted a scan photo as a pregnancy announcement, so that I can try and avoid (if I've not already seen it)

I've had tonnes of failed fertility treatment and can't have children. It's really shit. Thanks

MirriVan · 04/09/2018 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Billben · 04/09/2018 13:44

It's not easy coming off Facebook

Yes, it is. Stop torturing yourself unnecessarily. I don’t post photos of my children on social media but that’s not because I’m worried they might upset somebody. If you know your triggers then just don’t look.

christmastreewithhairyfairy · 04/09/2018 13:45

What vanguardsix said. I understand OP, I do have DCs but when going through miscarriages any SM boasting was so upsetting, and even at other times I find it intolerable. I mean people can and do boast in real like but somehow it's become much more acceptable and in your face on SM.

And to those saying people "don't mean to be insensitive" by posting pics of their DCs/happy marriages/beautiful homes or whatever, of course they are, the whole meaning of insensitive is it's unintentional but you are not being sensitive to how hurtful you may be to others who don't have those things.

Like some others here I left FB some years ago, never done Instagram and the like, just use whatsapp to speak to groups of real friends about meeting up etc, no boasting. One of my DCs had their first day at school today - the uniform photo went to both sets of grandparents but that's it. I just don't understand why people need to broadcast this stuff!

Anyway OP I hope you are ok Flowers

toomuchtooold · 04/09/2018 13:46

I used to Like those posts (and write "Congratulations!" on the pregnancy and birth announcements) while flicking the Vs at the computer screen. Uncharitable and childish, maybe, but it made me feel better.

I also kind of feel that the idea that we should all be happy for other people despite our own troubles - that envy and jealousy are unacceptable - is the sort of illusion that can only be held up by people who haven't yet experienced serious loss or failure. How you behave is the only thing anyone has any right to judge you on - if you keep your feelings to yourself that's all anyone should be able to ask of you, you can feel as envious as you like (and I'd be right there with you).

psychedelia · 04/09/2018 14:09

Irma, your husband must know some pretty shitty people if that’s what those on his Facebook do

bananafish81 · 04/09/2018 14:16

Re. the 'have you considered adoption?' thing - it's generally accepted that this is not A Good Thing To Say to someone struggling with infertility. You run the real risk of offending someone.
I get that everyone who says this means well - which is why they get defensive when called out on it. But please, learn the lesson. Please do not say it to anyone again.

This

'have you considered / thought about adoption' is a ridiculous question - of COURSE an infertile person will have entertained the idea of adoption. It's not an entirely new concept that they won't have heard of. They will be very aware of it as an option and may well be struggling with their feelings around the issue

It's also hurtful because unless the person in question is an adoptive parent themselves, the likelihood is that they'll come out with desperately ignorant and unhelpful comments like those above about being able to adopt babies and it being just like having your own child, with no knowledge about the care system, the early damage and attachment disorder that can be an issue even with babies, and with no understanding about how LA encourage ongoing letterbox contact with the birth parent, wherever possible

It's a deeply personal and deeply emotionally fraught question. If the person wants to discuss adoption they'll bring it up themselves

None of the following are in any way helpful
Have you thought about adoption?
Have you considered adoption?
Well at least you can always adopt
Why don't you just adopt
There's so many children needing homes - you'd make great adoptive parents, why don't you go down that route?

SerenDippitty · 04/09/2018 14:30

People questioning why op husband won’t are being pretty rude. Why should he adopt just because op wants to? He cannot force himself to want to. I’m pretty sure op didn’t post looking for advice about adopting. She posted because she needed someone to hear her.

I quite agree. No one should feel they have to adopt to please their partner, any more than they should feel they have to have a child to please their partner. My DH didn’t want to and I respect his reasons (he is adopted himself).

IrmaFayLear · 04/09/2018 14:30

Some people who seem perfectly decent in real life are maniacs on FB. One person who became a "last minute" mother is particularly ott with pictures and gushing comments about her dc. I know she has upset a few people who were fellow fertility strugglers. Of course I understand that people are thrilled with their dcs - however hard or easy their advent - but some people seem oblivious (or are they?) to others' pain.

People just don't seem to get it that the only people who truly revel in your dcs' achievements/every sneeze are the parents and the grandparents (and possibly child-free siblings). No one else could give a hoot .

psychedelia · 04/09/2018 14:39

Agree with some of that Irma and I respect my son’s privacy too much to post anything about him, but are you seriously suggesting people only post pictures of their holiday to make other people feel bad? I’ll admit to feeling envious for 6 weeks every summer because I don’t have the holidays others have but there’s no mal-intent in their posting

Badbadtromance · 04/09/2018 14:46

Flowers I'm so sorry op. I'm currently hiding from going to the school as loads of couples and my DH died so my teenager is doing it today as first day back here

christmastreewithhairyfairy · 04/09/2018 14:48

It's not to make other people bad as such, but it is to show off - at the very least in the hope it gives others a twinge of envy (which is basically making them feel bad). Otherwise why do they do it?

Believeitornot · 04/09/2018 14:51

It doesn’t seem easy to get off of Facebook but actually once you remove the app and bookmarks from your phone, you manage it. I’ve done it a few times especially when everyone seemed to have a lovely perfect life and I didn’t.

It’s better to step away for a bit. Social media can be poison sometimes.

MrsTommyBanks · 04/09/2018 14:53
Flowers
psychedelia · 04/09/2018 14:54

Honestly Christmas, you and Irma must know some horrible people. There is only one person on my Facebook who I’m sure posts repeated holiday pics to make up for insecurities. The rest are just having a good time, sharing funny moments.

confusedandconfuddled · 04/09/2018 14:57

Hugs op. That was me - for Mother's Day, Christmas, return to school.....it seems never-ending. Deactivating Facebook, particularly at these times, definitely helps x

IrmaFayLear · 04/09/2018 14:58

I shamelessly boast/drone on about/feel smug about my dog. I feel that's ok as everyone does it and there's a tacit agreement amongst dog owners that theirs is of course the very best, but they'll give an appreciative nod to others.

But there's something different about children. If you don't have any, it's a horrible slap in the face. If you do have them, they are bound to be less attractive/less clever/less accomplished etc etc than those of the person who is posting boastful pictures.

Still worse are the simply dreadful accompanying annotations such as Making Memories. Vomitatious.

user1485342611 · 04/09/2018 15:00

Life when you're reluctantly childless is an absolute minefield of unintended hurts, tactless remarks and sad reminders - people talking about how Christmas is so much better since they had children; people saying how you don't really 'grow up' until you have children; work policies that unintentionally favour parents; new mothers proudly showing their babies off at work etc etc etc etc

It's really hard and I sympathise. But I don't think it's 'wrong' of people to post pictures of their child's first day at school. Their life has to go on and they can't spend it walking on eggshells.

But yes, it's difficult navigating your way through the childless landscape.

psychedelia · 04/09/2018 15:04

Except Irma I don’t think of my son in terms of whether he’s better or worse looking, more or less accomplished than others. He’s an individual with his own privileges and challenges, as are the kids of others.

Apologies, don’t mean to derail this thread

frogsoup · 04/09/2018 15:04

"People just don't seem to get it that the only people who truly revel in your dcs' achievements/every sneeze are the parents and the grandparents (and possibly child-free siblings). No one else could give a hoot"

Not true. I really like seeing updates about my friends kids. Because they are my friends. Ok some go a bit ott but mostly it's a lovely thing. I totally get why op finds such pictures difficult, that's totally fair enough, but for those others saying, 'meh it's all boasting nobody gives a shit', what you're actually saying is 'i don't give a shit about my friends, and I see all their posts as competition.' What misery!

frogsoup · 04/09/2018 15:08

And Christmas, of course I don't hope my posts on FB elicit a twinge of envy. Why else do people post? Erm, because friendship is about sharing experiences and things that are important to you. If that's not the case for you, find better friends, or address your own insecurities that make you see others in such a poor light.

christmastreewithhairyfairy · 04/09/2018 15:08

but for those others saying, 'meh it's all boasting nobody gives a shit', what you're actually saying is 'i don't give a shit about my friends, and I see all their posts as competition.' What misery!

Bullshit! I care deeply about my friends, I want to hear all about their children and life in person, or on skype/by phone if they are miles away. These people who are broadcasting their darlings achievements to 1000 "friends" "for information" are deluding themselves! Of course it's boasting!

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