Finding first day at school photos upsetting

[getupdressandshowup]

I am struggling with long term infertility and at this time of year (with children starting school) it's a bit tough for me. I will never have the joy of these firsts. My family would not understand.

Ah the old "Why don't you just adopt?" question.

Did YOU adopt?

No, you didn't ask "Why don't you "just" adopt?", fair enough.

But please accept the fact that it really isn't an appropriate question to ask an infertile person. They will have thought of the issue by themselves, as the OP and her husband have. It will have occurred to them already. A simple "I'm sorry you're struggling" works wonders.

You can mute people for 30 days. Go to the dots at the top right.

Op I remember those struggles well. I worked in primary school and it killed me. People just don’t understand unless they have been there. Def take yourself off social media.

We adopted in the end. It is not for everyone. People questioning why op husband won’t are being pretty rude. Why should he adopt just because op wants to? He cannot force himself to want to. I’m pretty sure op didn’t post looking for advice about adopting. She posted because she needed someone to hear her.
I hear you OP

I thought your question was sensitively asked soooyeah. This is discussion forum after all.

It's not for other posters to decide what is appropriate on behalf of all people.

I'm so sorry op I can't imagine the pain of infertility.

I said have you CONSIDERED it because my DSis was in the same position and DID adopt my lovely DNephew who is now 6 (3 years on) and thriving - she had expressed pain of missing or on Xmas mornings, school runs etc before him and now is made up to be experiencing it all. It was meant to bring hope to the OP but obviously I didn’t go further when she said it wasn’t an option for them. But whatever.

Thanks Gabriella- as per my latest reply I would have continued the discussion explaining the hope and relief if necessary but as OP said not an option it was ended at that. Not pushing anything. But there we go :)

i'm sorry you are going through this, I can't imagine how you must feel.
I too would advise staying away from social media for a while.
I don't think people mean to be insensitive, they just like posting pics of their kids.
I don't do it myself as think it's wrong until they are old enough to decide for themselves if they want parents posting pictures.
Surely it's not just firsts like this, it annoys me when I see little Johnny has done this, like he's the first in the world.

I'm not trying to pick a fight here. But of course someone who has been unsuccessfully TTC for three years has CONSIDERED it!

Deactivating is really a great release, OP. Totally consider it.

It's weird. I'm a mother of 3 and I find people's baby/child boasting really intolerable. I don't do it because, even though I have kids, I've had the long history of miscarriages/stillbirth. The road to childbirth is full of landmines for so many of us women. Social media rubs salt in the wounds, not intentionally, but that doesn't really matter at the end of the day. If it hurts, it hurts.

First day of school - as well as loads of other photos- need to live on the fridge, living room shelves, or the walls of a home. Really. Social media has turned parenting into an obnoxious ongoing awards ceremony. 'Click 'love' to applaud me'. It's just silly.

Deactivating is good for our mental health. Start with that. And working with children might really be totally fulfilling... more than you anticipate.

Hester- the OP did not say TTC let alone for 3 years. Nor say if single or in a couple. Could easily be a known issue for a single 22 year old for example who is upset at not having a child in their future. So the question was towards the future and not pushed when a no, I wished them well and left it at that

HesterShaw1 Think you've made your point abundantly clear now. Not helping OP at all.

Oh sod off HesterShaw1 it's not obvious that she's considered it at all.

Whenever there's an infertility discussion, if anyone ever brings up adoption or fostering loads of people jump on them "ooooh bingo!" "oh they asked about adoption, amazing"

just sod off! I suffered from infertility for years and years but it doesn't mean you have to actively go looking for trouble because other people haven't experienced it, don't TRY to be offended.

First day of school - as well as loads of other photos- need to live on the fridge, living room shelves, or the walls of a home. Really. Social media has turned parenting into an obnoxious ongoing awards ceremony. 'Click 'love' to applaud me'. It's just silly.

Social media has turned many things into an obnoxious ongoing awards ceremony but it's also still a great way of sharing genuine joy, whether its child centric, around educational achievement, weight loss, because you finally cleared your garden and painted the shed or because your puppy learned to pee on the pads. Somebody's joy will always bring somebody else's sadness into focus whether on social media or outside of it.

I'm with @Hester. Suggesting adoption isn't helpful to someone suffering infertility. It's not the consolation prize for the infertile. The OP was trying to find a way to cope with her sadness of not having one of her own on days like this. Not asking how to get a child. It's a legitimate feeling. I am in the midst of ivf having struggled to conceive #2, and i don't want someone else's baby, i want my own. So adoption won't fix that.

I know how you feel OP. Infertility sucks. No advice just wanted to let you know.

I understand.

I'm really sorry for your struggles though OP. I've had to hide people on social media too, and look the other way in the face of it sometimes. Busying yourself with other things and distraction techniques can be useful but obviously not a long term fix. I found counseling with a fertility counselor really helpful. I hope you have some close friends to talk to about this 💐

I don't post pictures of my children, partly for this reason

I've unfollowed a huge proportion of my friends since dh left, as the happy family ones are so upsetting

Who shares these first day at school photos with you I wonder? Seems quite insensitive unless they are close family (I've heard from friends in a similar position to you that they don't feel like that about nieces and nephews).

It's unfortunate but some people don't think.

I do feel sad for you and really, really hope you are able to come to terms with what life has thrown at you and can eventually be content. I'd like to add a bunch of flowers but whenever I've tried to do something like that on here it just doesn't happen - but I do send you my very best wishes. x

Seems quite insensitive unless they are close family

Insensitive to post pictures of your children on your own social media?

Just wanted to say i completely know how your feeling

I get it OP. It’s like having waved in your face how your life could have turned out in a sliding doors/parallel universe way. “It should have been me”.

We had a very difficult pregnancy loss and I unfollowed various friends who had children at the same time as I couldn’t bear to see the photos and hear about their news. Even years later seeing pictures of the children can feel like a bit of a kick in the teeth even though I now have other children.

The thing is though my and your friends aren’t really doing anything wrong. My friends who had kids at that time are all perfectly lovely people. Facebook isn’t like having a one on one conversation where you should expect t a degree of consideration and I can’t expect them to mute all their parental joy because it brought me sorrow. But equally it is totally fine for you to unfollow people where it is causes you pain.

It's not easy coming off Facebook
Delete the app off your phone unbookmark the site on your desktop.

Then enjoy all of your extra time.