Finding first day at school photos upsetting

[getupdressandshowup]

I am struggling with long term infertility and at this time of year (with children starting school) it's a bit tough for me. I will never have the joy of these firsts. My family would not understand.

Life with infertility is really hard, hard struggled with that for a time I am really clear about that. Coming off social media seems a sensible way forward for you for the moment.
But to pp not everyone hates seeing pictures of other pp's DC and I don't believe everyone who posts pictures does it to put others down. I saw some lovely family pictures from a lady who for her own reasons feels blessed to have her DC on my feed, she looked so happy that I felt happy for her. I like seeing my friends DC grow up and hit milestones. I am happy to read about their achievements in the same way I would be happy to listen to their parents' talk about them.
Avoiding stuff that makes you sad is common sense and Feeling sad is understandable OP.

address my own insecurities? I didn't see feeling sad about losing my babies as an insecurity but thanks for that
and anyway, I did address it, I left FB

I hate being asked if i would adopt, when I say that it's not something I want to do, I feel people then think that I can't want a child that badly. I do! I just want my own one.

You can unfollow people on fb and they will not be informed by fb that you have done so.This should make it a bit easier for you

YANBU

I hate this culture of posting photos. My oldest child is 17 and I've never felt the need to post any pictures of my dc and never will.

My mum brought me up to be honest and not to brag. She didn't even like TALKING about her children to other people, she always kept any such discussions brief.

Why can't we just enjoy happy moments instead of sharing every little thing with the world? Is nothing private any more? And what about your children's privacy - do they get a say if pictures of them are posted on SM?

It makes me so angry that there is so much in the news about mental health these days, particularly that of teens. SM can have a huge negative effect on mental health and self-esteem.

And yes I would say it's 'wrong' to post first day at school pictures or the like. Because it makes some people feel crap. It's really not that important that friends or even family members like to see the pictures - hell just email them a photo if it's that important.

*modest not honest

Dancergirl SM can be relatively private,I share pictures of my son on fb and the only people who can see them are friends and family.I have no strangers on my sm,only trusted people who I have known a long time

Sorry you are feeling this way OP
I suffered for years with infertility and found it hard. As now an adoptive mum I still find it hard as any shots of my kids on Facebook are from behind as there is always the risk of a friend of a friend seeing it and it somehow finding its way back to birth parents. I only use a closed group to family and friends. CatRen47 while you sentiments about the adoption comments are nice, to say that you want your ‘own’ child are offensive to adoptive parents. Just because I didn’t give birth to my kids doesn’t mean they aren’t mine ! I went through multiple assessments, training and court dates to be considered good enough to parent.

Oh Christmas I really don’t think that’s what Frogsoup meant. A pp mentioned holidays and kitchens, I think these were the things Frogsoup was alluding to

psychedelia you're probably right. touched a nerve though!

Does the OP really need all this bickering about adoption on her thread?

Op, I'm sorry to read the bickering on this thread that's not what you need now.

Yes, first day of school photos are shit. Utterly shit.

Sorry for what you are going through OP.

I put a picture of my daughter on her first day up on facebook recently. If I had close friends with fertility problems, I may think twice, but AFAIK I don't.
It's a way for me to be able to share milestones in my life/children's life with friends and family, some of whom live very far away and only see the children every few years.

I don't agree that photos shouldn't be shared on social media, although I can see how this would be upsetting for those with problems like the OPs.. I would end up censoring everything and feeling unable to share experiences and memories for fear of upsetting someone.

As I said, it would be different if I had a close friend or family member going through IVF or with fertility problems. But it would depend how close they were to me, and what stage they were in their journey eg actively doing IVF vs having been unable to conceive many years ago.

queen but why share them at all?

People who have no connections to Adoption and Fosterings always come out with utter shite.

There are no longer teams of nuns stealing the babies of naice women from good families who've turned their back on their daughters.

A child by a married man, a teen pregnancy, a child out of wedlock, mother facing extreme poverty, are no longer reasons people give up their child

People rarely "give up" their child anymore and certainly not their baby.

The children have been REMOVED often after extensive periods of warnings and second and third chances,

These children carry with them loss and often a raft of other issues related to abuse and or neglect, and have issues like FAS and GDD

Adoption breakdown is also now way more common than people realise with eager parents not realising and being thoroughly unprepared to cope with the issues they'll face; then with broken hearts returning their child to the system as it's the only way they'll get support

I have lowered fertility, am single in my late 30s and am facing involuntary childlessness

It hurts every day

YANBU OP

I have never seen a photo like this.

I’m not on Facebook. My life is totally fine without it.
I knew when I heard about Facebook years ago that there would be people (I liked) that would be boasting and I would get pissed off. I knew it would make me annoyed so for my own wellbeing I avoided it.

Would you consider trying a few weeks without it and see how you get on?

I cannot see any benefit to it whatsoever if it’s upsetting you at this difficult time.

OP - in the kindest possible way, I don't think Facebook is the right social media platform for you. People use Facebook to log the big (and small) milestones/events in their lives, and if all things children related is going to remind you of what you don't have, then it's going to be years of heart ache. Once the first days of school are out of they way, it's going to be nativity plays/Christmas concerts, meeting Father Christmas photos, Christmas eve putting mince pies out, sports days etc. Through to older DC having exams, going off to uni, friends being the Mother of the Bride/Groom, becoming a grandparent...

It is understandable that each new milestone is a new reminder to you, but unless you cut contact with people with children, they will talk about their DC, including on Facebook.

It's not really reasonable to expect your family to pretend the next generation isn't happening.

Move on, facebook isn't really suitable for you. it's ok not to use it. Lots of people don't.

Quite, Pawnee. I used to chat at ballet to a woman who fostered babies who would be difficult to place, usually as they were the product of incest. She had adopted herself one baby who was the product of a liaison between two people in a home for those with learning difficulties.

I understand that it is no longer easy to adopt from abroad (eg China), if it ever was that easy.

queen but why share them at all?

Good question. It now seems that the sole purpose of taking photos is to share them. No one takes photos for their own pleasure any more.

And what about your children's privacy - do they get a say if pictures of them are posted on SM? Yes, I check all photos before posting, if they veto, none go up. Mine is a small group of friends though, on a tight security setting, so it's hardly being displayed to the world. We have grandparents in two other countries so having one place to put all photos has been great.

Like queen my SM is small and tightly controlled, I only have people that are family and good friends on there, I use it because we are scattered all over and I dont much like using the phone. I much prefer reviewing, reading and commenting in my own time, not least due to time differences.
But as ordinary said you don't need to be on Facebook, my DH has never used FB and gets on fine with his life.

I don't get it, either. All this posing and desperation to share . It's embarrassing.

Regarding being insensitive, dm's mantra was Thou Must Not Offend. Choosing Christmas cards was a particular nightmare. No snow for the elderly who might be at risk of slipping up. No country scenes for town dwellers. No children or family scenes (obviously). No religious messages or images. Oh, and the greetings . Definitely no Merry Christmas etc. For dm's last Christmas we settled (after an absolute age of searching) on a pack depicting some snowdrops which said "Seasons Greetings".

@IrmaFayLear I've recently watched a show on BBC2 called Searching For Mum it shows that a lot of children from poor countries came to their Western parents with completely fraudulent documents about who their mother was and why they were given up.

In some instances money changed hands for the child.

Now these countries are finding that adults in their 20s and 30s are flocking back to find their roots/parents and the only answer they can get is people angry at being challenged that they lied.

There's a lot of corruption in foreign adoption

SerenDippity - do you not remember photos being past round after someone had come back from holiday, or a wedding? Big family photo albums that would come out to flick through now and then? Photos being posted to distant family members of special events or those formal school ones? Photos taken then framed in your house for visitors to see?

People always shared photos. It's not a new idea. It's just now it's not a case of having to physically take /post the photo to someone.

(And rather than having to sit at your Auntie's house going "oh lovely" at the 60th photo from their trip to Greece, you can chose if you open the album on FB or not - I regularly click "like" on friends' holiday photo albums without bothering to open it and scroll through them all)