Finding first day at school photos upsetting

[getupdressandshowup]

I am struggling with long term infertility and at this time of year (with children starting school) it's a bit tough for me. I will never have the joy of these firsts. My family would not understand.

I'm so sorry to hear about your infertility issues OP.

My uncle can't have children and when we were young he didn't attend birthdays or send cards etc because it was just too painful for him to think he'd never be doing this with his own.

I don't agree all photos are brag rights though. I've got a friend who solely takes photos of beautiful countrysides, sunsets, flowers etc because it's aesthetically pleasing.

Others will share pictures of their kids knowing aunt Mabel will be able to see as well as her sister and her best friend.

Does not make it less painful though for those suffering. Can you change your settings and reduce what you see from people you know with children?

Christmas of course I didn't mean insecurities about losing your babies Fgs, I've had my share of struggles but that has nothing to do with deciding that each and every post about kids on FB is about boasting and making others feel bad!!! I don't have 1000 friends on FB, I have about 100, so more or less the size of my Xmas card list. I love seeing photos of my friends kids on there because let's face it life is insanely busy and if you live on different continents (or even, sometimes, just at the other end of town) how often do you get to catch up in person and look at photos?!! I'm sure some put stuff on to show off, but many don't. Like I say, if you see every FB post through the lense of 'boasty fucker' then you have the wrong FB friends. Fine to not use FB but don't start accusing everyone who does of being some self-aggrandizing arsehole. Like real life, some are, some aren't.

It's different yawning your way through 200 photos of someone's cruise to the Azores than it is being assaulted with artificially posed pictures of someone's dcs at their most photogenic or giant piles of Christmas presents for dcs or (I can barely bear to type the words) Elf on the Shelf set ups.

Back in the bad old days photos used to come back from Bonusprint or Boots and half of them wouldn't have come out, another two would have a strange yellow light over everything and the remaining ones would show people forgetting to hold their stomachs in or caught mid-mouthful of something. (At least those were df's photos )

This thread has made me quite sad. I am sad for the OP who has to see photos of other people's children and feel she will never see those milestones for herself. My heart goes out to you, OP, I have one DD but after a miscarriage, she never got the sibling she would have loved. To make matters worse, a couple of friends had babies about the time mine should have been born, the first time I gave one a cuddle my heart broke, I should have been cuddling my own. Now I see photos on Facebook of them together and sometimes it's hard wishing my daughter had a sibling to take photos with.

But this is life, there will always be someone who has something you want and you can either feel sorry for yourself (understandable and often unavoidable) or happy for the other person (my personal choice).

I also feel sad that some people think posting first day back at school pics are rubbish or boasting. I live abroad, see friends and family once a year if I am lucky, see other friends who live in other countries even less. We all post photos of our kids / holidays / new house etc etc and we are all happy for each other. I would hate to think any of my friends, some of whom are childless, either by choice or not, thought I was boasting because I posted a pic of my DD on her first day back of school. One does make a joke about it in general, but she loves my DD and loves to see how she has grown (usually do a side by side comparison from her first school photo). I also don't think my child-free friend is boasting when she posts amazing holiday pics. Our lives are just different and we all share our important stuff.

I'm glad I have my happy-for-me friends and not some of you guys.

Off to post cute first day back at school photos...

Just wanted to let you know that I empathise with you OP

I belong to a 'Baby Boomers' group on FB and usually I can ignore all the grandchild pics etc but the other day someone posted one of those stupid quote things.....it said:

"When I turned 60 I thought the best times of my life were over.......but then I had grandchildren" - along with a soppy happy cartoon picture.

I was injured internally when I was 13 and never able to have children, I always say it was by choice but it wasn't, just saves the explaining...
I put a response saying that life was still great (which it is) - festivals, gigs, motor racing, holidays, lots of stuff - but then I went upstairs, shut the bedroom door and sobbed for a long time, it took me days to get myself back 'up' again.

I would never begrudge anyone celebrating their children or grandchildren and really it would be up to me to leave the group, I don't know why I don't!

EstuaryBird. A while ago I read a very good piece by someone who had she felt largely conquered her infertility sadness, and then came along the second wave... the grandparental boasting. It seems that even if people are fairly modest about their dcs, when it comes to grandchildren they go quite insane.

I know the pil (never the most tactful at the best of times) fell out badly with some old friends when finally mil's friend lost her temper and called her out on continually bragging about the joys of grandparenthood whilst mil's friend's ds had Autism and would never marry or have a family. Oh, and mil's favourite one was referring to "My husband" when in the company of widows...

SerenDippity - do you not remember photos being past round after someone had come back from holiday, or a wedding? Big family photo albums that would come out to flick through now and then? Photos being posted to distant family members of special events or those formal school ones? Photos taken then framed in your house for visitors to see?

That’s different. I might show such photos to some people if I thought they might like to see them. Quite different to putting them up on your zFacebook page and making damn sure everyone sees them.

Back in the bad old days photos used to come back from Bonusprint or Boots and half of them wouldn't have come out, another two would have a strange yellow light over everything and the remaining ones would show people forgetting to hold their stomachs in or caught mid-mouthful of something. (At least those were df's photos grin )

Yes, they were natural photos, not taken with an audience in mind.

I'm sorry the photos upset you op! It's so hard - I remember - I had 7 ivfs and thought I might not have children. I remember throwing a photo in a frame across the room and smashing it when I received a christening invite once.

Facebook can be hard for everyone in some ways, I've lost my parents and Mother's Day and Father's Day are hard for me. I do not begrudge others posting pics of their parents and messages about mothers and daughters bonds etc. I am happy they are happy. The whole point of Facebook Is sharing photos. I wouldn't bother looking at it at all if all there was was sunsets and food! I like seeing my friends kids growing up and other family milestones, dogs, holidays etc. I feel happy they are having fun.

I would agree it might be better for you to come off Facebook op, if it's making you unhappy.

kaytee87 Tue 04-Sep-18 13:23:10
Seems quite insensitive unless they are close family

Insensitive to post pictures of your children on your own social media? confused

kaytee, sorry, I wasn't thinking in terms of social media but people, maybe at work, showing photographs etc. (I don't do social media.)

Bananfish said:- None of the following are in any way helpful Have you thought about adoption? Have you considered adoption? Well at least you can always adopt Why don't you just adopt There's so many children needing homes - you'd make great adoptive parents, why don't you go down that route?

I so agree with you Bananfish. People say things off the top of their heads without thinking. Maybe they have no idea what is involved in adoption. I'll add to your list of things not to say:-
"Poor thing, I feel embarrassed because I get pregnant so easily". So smug! I have actually heard that said a couple of times to people who are trying, without much success, to conceive. I cringed!

Adoption is not for everyone. There's nothing wrong with preferring to have a child that you have borne. It's also a very long and difficult process with few babies (under 2s) available, plus the fact that couples are often turned down for adoption which must lead to terrible feelings of rejection.

Quite a lot of adoptions break down too. With the best will in the world, chemistry between parent and child cannot be manufactured, it's either there or it isn't.

Had I been unable to have a child I would not have considered adoption.
I say this someone who WAS adopted as a baby.

I have to say on the whole this thread has been really kind and supportive to the OP and it's nice to read.

@SLL that was a lovely, kind and well put post

It sounds really hard. I find not using facebook or twitter works very well actually. May be just don't use social media!

Ffs people the OP needs empathy and support. Not endless replies debating why ppl post photos on fb or just advising her to get off fb.
OP I'm so sorry this is the direction the thread took. I hope you have had a gentle day and that you and your husband can take care of each other this evening.

@SLL you are so right.. I would hate to have some of these posters on my friends list. I certainly do not post to brag, I post as me and my husband work long hours and have family far away and don't have time to go and see them and share photos.

Sorry you're having a hard time. I'm very envious when people post lovely things about their parents. It's OK to be envious. Life can be brutal sometimes. X

Empathising with the OP because of long term infertility, and advising what not to say to the infertile and I get told to sod off?

Nice. Sod off yourself.

People, even those who really struggled to get pregnant and carry a child to term, who might had several rounds of fertility treatment in order to have their child, tend to forget what it was like looking at these photos, getup. Hide them for a while until you feel strong enough. You might never feel strong enough, and that's ok.

I don't see how you can live your life worrying about upsetting people on Facebook. It's sad, if your friends can't celebrate their children milestones.

Really it would apply to everything on Facebook. It's generally only positive or bragging posts.

“And yes I would say it's 'wrong' to post first day at school pictures or the like. Because it makes some people feel crap”
Good Lord. I’ll have to make sure the next time I post a photo of myself on FB I’m naked or wearing a bin liner because maybe my new Primark shirt will make someone feel like crap. Also, I must deny that my kids and DH are mine and claim I’m an unpaid housekeeper because you know that might upset someone too.
Of course OP has the right to be upset. As someone who didn’t have a baby until 43 and watched nieces and nephews have kids before me I totally get it. But should other people not post photos to share with family and friends on a photo sharing platform- absolutely not .

I find lots of photos of friends' happy families and beautiful giggling children upsetting in a 'I'm happy for you but sad for me' way

I'm allowed to feel upset
But they're also allowed to post them

I'll generally unfollow friends whose feeds are dominated by photos of their kids. I'll tend to avoid FB altogether if I'm feeling particularly tender

Pregnancy announcement posts, complete with scan pics, absolutely do me in though - they're really triggering for me.

On behalf of many involuntarily childless women, I beg of you, if you're going to announce the very happy news that you're pregnant on FB, and you know a friend is struggling with infertility, please please give them a private heads up first, so they're not ambushed by your post. Just a quick text to let them know your news beforehand, will mean a great deal

Sorry to hear your situation OP. This might not help how you feel (and apologies if not) but its always worth remembering that the FB version of family life /life with children that people portray is not real - its only the very, very best bits - those bits may only acount for a tiny fraction of their lives. They are not posting about any of the negative stuff about parenting - of which there is a lot too (I speak of many parents I know, not just myself). I could have posted the obligatory 'cute child in uniform' photo today (I didn't) that lots of people I know did but i wouldn't have posted the horrible meltdown one DC had as they didn;t want to go back to school - which was very distressing and made both them and their older sibling late for their first day at big school and made us both late for work. It was a really, really shit start to the day. I just give that as an example that FB is not a true reflection of what you are missing out on. I know a couple whose marriage is in process of breaking up largely due to strain since they had kids (they say) but they look like a family from John Lewis ads on FB. Maybe try and bear it in mind when the 'happy family' photos are getting you down

Thank you all. I just re-read this thread.
I know FB isn't real.

It is the feeling that I'm feeling sad for myself (not jealous of others).

Christmastime is also hard with every family seemingly having fun and laughs doing Christmassy stuff together. I don't get invited anymore because the parents of kids get invited but non one else. Never mind

Lots of love op. I'm not surprised it's difficult. I'm really not surprised by the research about social media making us less happy. It's so easy to look at the best bits of other people's lives and feel less happy about our own.