Channel 4 documentary "Married to a paedophile" *MNHQ amended title*

[MissHavershamssis]

Channel 4 tonight aired a documentary whereby the words and experiences of women married to paedophiles were documented albeit actresses played the parts of the wives to preserve anonymity.

I absolutely cannot comprehend any woman who could remain married to a man who finds the abuse of children arousing. One wife rightly so chucked her husband out upon his arrest - yet is happy for their two daughters to have contact? The other woman was imo disgusting - welcomed her husband (who had viewed the most extreme categorises of child abuse over several months) back with excitement and 'wore her best dress' to meet him on his release from prison.

I absolutely am not of the vigilante stance where 'we should chop their bits off' etc, and believe in rehabilitation via the SOTP, but as a mother and daughter I cannot get my head around any woman who could remain with a partner who found children sexually attractive.

On a different forum a few years ago there as a woman who defended her partner to the death as he was attracted to pre-pubescent boys but didn't act on that attraction. Most people were horrified.

So I suppose my AIBU is - to not understand how anyone could stay with a partner who has a paedophile as a partner.

Pissed that is horrendous and apparently all too common. It’s so sad to read to same stories again and again.

@hipposarerad

I'm so worried that your brain still thinks you were to blame for the abuse. I really hope that you are receiving appropriate support and counselling. You were not to blame, you did not let yourself be groomed. That's the point of grooming, a vulnerable person is tricked and manipulated. You cannot, logically, 'let' yourself be groomed.

It's been explained to me by a psychologist that when children are small they have to maintain the idea (sometimes fiction) that their parents are good people who will look out for them, otherwise they feel a threat to their very survival. Therefore when a parent IS abusive the child usually assumes the blame themselves, in their mind, therefore maintaining the fiction that the parent is good. The child believes that their naughtiness is what provoked their father to hit them, that something they or another family did wrong is what caused their father to sexually abuse them etc...

Add in the anti-female victim blaming culture too, and you've got a double whammy.

BangingOn it seems to be prevalent especially amongst the religious privates i have noticed. Several in the area i went to school had issues during my time & shortly after with staff abusing children. A couple hid it & moved staff elsewhere within a specific religious circle believe it or not. Scary stuff

I'll have a watch. It's fascinating to see how others view things I and most of society, find completely repulsive.

If my DH were a paedophile he would be dead to me and would also risk actual bodily harm if he came near our kids again.

I get that you love someone but honestly it's a fundamental part of that person, not just disliking your favourite tv showbor something.

Surely losing your children, family, society's respect as well as the fact he's not sexually attracted to you as much as he is children, would put out any loving feelings?

They have often have had difficult childhoods with barely adequate parenting.

Perhaps they deny what is happening because emotionally it takes them back to the misery of their own childhoods, and they can't face up to that?

Not saying what they are doing is right, but there may be a strong psychological reason for it

It's absolutely harrowing to read some accounts from previous posters and thank you for sharing your stories - speaking out about abuse and not keeping it a taboo is the best way forward - what is really frightening is how common this is. For those who haven't suffered abuse I would bet each and everyone of us knows one or several people who have.

Definitely harsher sentences for convicted paedophiles, the sentencing guidelines are far too lenient.

There was a local convicted paedo near us. His wife and children are still with him. He still has access to kids. Albeit supervised. She is in a professional career (does that even make a difference).
His parents also tried to cover it up and even paid courts or media I’m not sure who to keep it all quiet.

I have contacted police (is it Sarah’s law?) to check the family members are ok to be around the school etc.

Crazy.

Pissed I think we are only seeing the tip of the iceberg. As more victims come forward even more will find the courage to do so. 5 teachers from my school have been convicted, a further teacher arrested last month and additional charges filed against those already convicted since their verdicts. There have also been several cases were the accused is now deceased.

I don’t think my school was unique, unfortunately.

That is scary. Hopefully more victims feel able to come forward

I live next door to a convicted sex offender. He was given an eighteen month suspended sentence and is on the sex offenders list. The court report states that he had over 250 images of category A images and videos. A lesser amount of category B. He is late 60's, married, retired with grown up children and grandchildren. We live in a "respectable" town and pre finding out had a genial/friendly "over the fence" relationship with him and his wife. We know they both had respectable careers, nice car, house and holidays abroad often.

We were ASTOUNDED when we found out and honestly thought he would receive a prison sentence. His wife is still with him and the children/grandchildren visit often. Nothing, absolutely nothing has changed. Aside from the fact we have never spoken to them since. It's bloody awkward and I cannot for the life of me understand why his wife and family would stand by him. I detest crossing their path. The wife insists on saying hello to me and it's bloody obvious I don't wish to acknowledge/converse, I wish she'd stop. I wish they would move.

Pollaidh thank you, you're really kind but don't worry about me I'm ok, honestly. A really shitty thing happened to me that wasn't my fault. But it was ages ago and I've drawn a line under it now.

It's ok I won't stay triggered for long but I'll probably redraw that line and bow out of the thread now 😉

Very difficult subject. I was sexually abused by my step-father from the age of 8. When I eventually plucked up the courage to tell my mother, she spoke to him and then gave me the choice of whether he should leave or not, but that he had promised it would never happen again.

I was about 10 when I told my mum - she was disabled and it wasn't until I was much older that I realised that she should never have asked me to make the choice. My DF had died when I was just 3 and my step-father moved in with us when I was about 6. I craved a father figure and said he could stay.

Things did settle down, but as a teen, if I went for a hug, he would touch my breasts and try to kiss me with tongues. I have had therapy many times over the years - mainly because I blamed myself. It took a long time for me to realise that, even when a teenager, I was still the innocent one. However, I do remember telling my DM that he was touching and kissing me inappropriately and her reply was that I shouldn't be walking around the house in a nightshirt!

I suppose, what I would say is that it is very easy to have black and white views as an outsider, but not so clear cut when involved. About a year or so before he died, I asked my stepfather why he had done those things to me. His reply was that a) we didn't have full-on sex and b) it was because we got too close. I am just grateful that the counselling I had allows me to be confident that I had no responsibility in us becoming "too close".

I still carry guilt to this day that I, in some way, am partly responsible for what happened. I continued to have a relationship with my DM and my step-dad until each died. When I confessed to a friend what had happened in my past, she made me feel so guilty about still having a relationship, that I didn't tell anyone else until after my step-dad died. It is hard to explain, but he was, to all intents and purposes my DF - the only one I had known and was in my life from when I was 6 until he died, when I was 38. Also, my DM had multiple sclerosis and, over the years, became more and more disabled. My dad did care for her very well right up until her death, when he was distraught. We were united in our grief but, after a while, his behaviour really upset me - he started going out to the pub for company, which I could understand (he would only have soft drinks, so it wasn't a drink problem) but then he became friendly with a couple of barmaids, who were roughly the same age as me. He would cuddle and kiss them and buy them gifts for their birthdays etc and it used to leave me feeling cold, but I had to tell myself they were adults and they could protect themselves. When he was taken into hospital, I would go to visit him every day, despite having three young children at the time, yet he would complain that nobody visited him if the barmaids hadn't called or popped in. I found it so hurtful and it left me confused.

It is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life. On the one hand, I think if I had been an adult and it had been my husband, I would categorically disown him and have nothing to do with him. However, because of what happened to me, I know things aren't as black and white as they would seem.

@StopPOP it's totally unbelievable isn't it how it's brushed under the carpet within a matter of weeks and not just by family. We were invited to a bbq recently that I couldn't attend but said dc could go to as lots of their friends would be there. It was only by chance the day before that I found out my friend & her (recently convicted sex offender) dh and his family would also be there. I was livid and suffice to say dc didn't go to the party!

With images I think people are very good at downplaying it..
a family member is friends with someone and the family member is old and very alone, Friend confessed (well tried to share images, hoping they would be like him,he’s not) the family member decided that they would rather keep the friend (one of the very few that he had) and continue with the friendship. And just try and not think about it. Having a friend and not being alone was more important than making a stand.
And this is just a friend down the pub, not a partner.
I tried to say this was not acceptable, I got very angry with the family member. I am in two minds about reporting it. I know that sounds terrible. I don’t know this person. I don’t even know his name, other than Dave down the pub.
Should I try harder to work out who he is. Probably, I feel very conflicted about it. Not because of “Dave” but because of what would happen to the very elderly family member, who ended up accepting some online images which they didn’t know what the content would be. And I actually do believe them, firstly they told me straight away, for total fear of what would happen to them, it felt like blackmail almost. they were asked by the friend to pay for it, because the wife wouldn’t approve, they didn’t know what the content would be, they were told it was a different kind of hardcore porn. They are very old, early 90s they thought it was just “hardcore” porn. I have an issue with that within its self. But that’s another issue.
I feel very conflicted with all of it to be honest.
I don’t think my family member could stand up to being accused of something they aren’t interested in. And I do believe them.
I feel angry that this friend of his thought they would test the waters, and knew that my family member would either be “on board” or not take any action, they knew that deep down.
I guess most people don’t want to confront it. And if you love that person it must be very hard indeed.

I found out when my daughter was 10 months old, my ex and his wife had there children removed and adopted due to sexual abuse. I never knew these kids esited until a social worker turned up at the front door. It was horrendous time, he was gone at that moment,even though he wanted to carry on the relationship. I’ve nevef trusted a man since, I know there’s plenty of kind men out there. I never once considered taking him back after what he did and all the lies,

30hours - that part really made me feel sick too, I wish I hadn’t have watched it. I look at my baby girl and it just makes me want to cry.

@Tonkatol thanks for sharing your story very brave of you and unmumsnetty hugs coming your way x

for all of you brave posters who have shared their stories. I couldn't watch the programme & I'm afraid I have skimmed the latter half of these posts as they are too distressing.

But what I'd like to add to those talking about "treatment" for these vile men (& yes women) is you can't change basic attraction.

If a man likes big busted blondes, or leggy brunettes then you can tell him not to all you like his instincts are to fancy those types.

Paedophiles are attracted to kids, both sexually & for the power play.

Therefore I believe they cannot ever be cured & rather than cost the taxpayer a lot of money they should be put down by lethal injection

(Rusty scissors might be tempting but let's not descend to their level)
it takes a lot for me to say that as I am usually opposed to the death penalty but in these cases I would change my mind. I would happily press the plunger too.

The Cat C prisons they get sent to just become a networking resource for when they get out & start their vile behaviours.

I know this will get flamed as most think that these abusers can't be rehabilitated - such as:

But what I'd like to add to those talking about "treatment" for these vile men (& yes women) is you can't change basic attraction.

I absolutely agree that you can't change the basic attraction. However, I do believe that in some cases SOTP can and do work - such as offenders hearing what effect their abuse has had/have never actively abused children and realising that viewing child abuse is contributing to abuse - saying that how do you calculate the risk? By the time the abuse happens its too late and the theory rehabilitation can't work comes into force.

There is no easy answer

The hardest part about discovering you are married to a paedophile is the fact that it tears the guts out of your life and yet there is virtually no-one to whom you can talk about it. It leaves a trail of victims, of lives devastated and changed forever and you never, ever get over it.
My story is not dissimilar to one of the cases featured in the documentary - police arrived with a warrant, arrested him and told me why they were there. I had to stay while they turned the house upside down. To this day I don't know how they caught him.
When the police finally left, I packed as many of my belongings into my car as I could and left. I never spent another night under that roof. There is no way to describe the revulsion. He had searched for images of children, this man with whom I had shared my life, shared my bed, shared the highs and lows of life, the way couples do. The worst feeling of all was sorrow and desperate pity for the tiny souls whose images had found their way onto the internet. I still find it very difficult not to punch anyone who thinks it's not so bad if they just look at the images. It is. It is just the same. Without people like my husband, there would be no market for them. In my eyes, he was just abusing them via a proxy.
His actions didn't just devastate the lives of those children, they devastated mine too and ultimately his. It's really not an exaggeration to say it pretty much cost me everything - our home, my peace of mind, the last 20 years, which were wiped out overnight. It would have been easier had he died; at least then I could have retained some treasured memories, but as it stands every single minute of those years has been wiped out and replaced with a marriage-shaped black void
He was given help.Counselling and support. A social worker. There was nothing available for me. I refuse to feel shame for what he did; the shame was all his, not mine, but people clearly expected me to.
He admitted what he had done straight away but seemed incapable of understanding the enormity - at one point he described it as an ''indiscretion'' - or how many people he hurt. Having been discovered, his world fell apart and he became a pitiful, pathetic and shambling wreck. He tried to kill himself, of course. I got help for him, saved him.
Years later, it emerged that long before I met him, it hadn't just been pictures, when one of his victims, now an adult, had the courage to come forward and tell the police what he had done to her when she was a little girl.
This time he did kill himself.

So in summary:

1. They will say they are not sexually aroused by children. This is bullshit.
2. They will rationalise it as a 'victimless' crime. This is also bullshit.
3. They might say they never have/ would/will abuse a child. That's probably bullshit too.
4. Don't blame the wives, even the ones who stay. It's a big ask for someone to cope alone after 40 years of marriage
5. Society needs to understand that the victims include the partners, children and families of the offenders. Don't believe idiots who say "she must have known". The police tell you to sit down before they tell you why they are there, because so many collapse, as I did. The wives are usually the last to know

I'm sorry to go on at such length. I have never written about it before and perhaps I needed to get that out.

@Hindsight1
You sound like a strong amazing person. I’m Sorry that you have had to go through this.

@lowtide.
Thank you for your kind words. I am stronger than I was, tbh, but it has taken a long time and even now, ten years later, I cannot face the thought of forming another relationship.

Can anyone tell me the name of the website which has pictures of things in the background of indecent images that serves to help people identify the homes they're taken in? I can't for the life of me remember!

And thank you for all your kind words