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AIBU?

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Channel 4 documentary "Married to a paedophile" *MNHQ amended title*

291 replies

MissHavershamssis · 03/09/2018 23:17

Channel 4 tonight aired a documentary whereby the words and experiences of women married to paedophiles were documented albeit actresses played the parts of the wives to preserve anonymity.

I absolutely cannot comprehend any woman who could remain married to a man who finds the abuse of children arousing. One wife rightly so chucked her husband out upon his arrest - yet is happy for their two daughters to have contact? The other woman was imo disgusting - welcomed her husband (who had viewed the most extreme categorises of child abuse over several months) back with excitement and 'wore her best dress' to meet him on his release from prison.

I absolutely am not of the vigilante stance where 'we should chop their bits off' etc, and believe in rehabilitation via the SOTP, but as a mother and daughter I cannot get my head around any woman who could remain with a partner who found children sexually attractive.

On a different forum a few years ago there as a woman who defended her partner to the death as he was attracted to pre-pubescent boys but didn't act on that attraction. Most people were horrified.

So I suppose my AIBU is - to not understand how anyone could stay with a partner who has a paedophile as a partner.

OP posts:
Onecutefox · 04/09/2018 18:29

Why do people write everything in one sentence without full stops? :( Sometimes I have to read it a few times to understand what has been written.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/09/2018 18:44

What a twattish post, Onecutefox, who cares whether you understand a post or not if that's your sole contribution. Pathetic!

Back to the thread. What is society supposed to do with Paedophiles then? When does somebody become one? When they're caught? There seem to be plenty of men ogling and seeking out school girls, does that count?

I agree with PPs who've said that it's always the woman who is vilified. Always. The mental gymnastics that some employ to make it the woman's fault baffles me. Sickens me too. Why are some women so bloody judgemental of other women? Blame the paedophile/the enabler of abuse - but the woman he married? Hell no!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 04/09/2018 18:47

And some victim blamers come out with things like "well, she knew what she was doing" etc. Revolting attitude, but not uncommon I don't think

You are so right Hippos. A neighbour a few years ago complained to me about a family member who had"caused so much trouble" by accusing her uncle of molesting her (I think she was about 9 at the time). When I said that children don't make such stories up (because they aren't "wise" enough), she replied - "Oh this one is. You want to see her - pushing her bum in the men's faces, and sitting on their knees and wriggling about! She's nothing but a little trollop - she always has been."

I couldn't get through to her that that sort of behaviour was a sign of abuse - that the child had been sexualised. No - she was "slutty" and had almost broken the family up with her lies and "dirty" behaviour. My heart ached for her.

DeloresJaneUmbridge · 04/09/2018 18:49

I sadly won’t be able to watch this for an obvious reason. It’s too painful.

However I can separate out the men/Women for whom there is an attraction to children they would never act upon from those who act on it then attempt to defend it.

I can’t say more beyond that as even the topic is too triggering,

Pissedoffdotcom · 04/09/2018 18:49

I genuinely don't care what i get called, i would put a bullet in each & every convictef paedophile. Once a paedo always a paedo, why take that risk?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 04/09/2018 18:54

Alex was openly remorseful about what he’d done and admitted his wrongdoing

I didn't think he was remorseful, Summergems - he described his behaviour as "stupid" - but he didn't seem to regard it as reprehensible in any way. (I apologise if I missed anything, letting the dog out), but it seemed to me that he missed his former life and the respect he had as a teacher, rather than being sorry or ashamed for what he had done. (After all it was "only" online - he hadn't touched any "real" children).

Though he did seem genuinely to want to put that "addictive" behaviour behind him. He claimed that he had just started exploring porn and had got into a situation where he just got led down worse and worse routes without even realising it.

To me, this isn't accepting responsibility for his own actions - at any time he could have stopped - but he didn't. He continued exploration into ever darker and more dreadful images. Deliberately.

MinaPaws · 04/09/2018 18:59

Totally agree with Schadenfeude. he demonstrated remorse for having lost his former life, not for having contributed to the abuse and damage those children endured. He had no recognbition that his crimes were real because the children he was watching were real.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 04/09/2018 18:59

I agree with PPs who've said that it's always the woman who is vilified.

I felt that Alex's DD was blaming her mother for his behaviour - not openly, but by saying "he was unhappy" and that he got caught up because of all the pressures on him etc. I felt (and I may be wrong) that she thought her mother was being cruel in leaving Alex, and that there was blame implicit in her comments (a sort of unspoken" if YOU had been a better wife . . " "If YOU had supported him . . . " "If YOU had made him happy. . . "). I could be wrong, but this is how it struck me. She seemed to have no sympathy for her mother at all. It was all Dad.

Pissedoffdotcom · 04/09/2018 19:01

I detested Alex & frankly his daughters' attitudes too. He wasn't at all sorry for what he did...he was sorry he got caught. And his daughter trying to blame it on his 'depression' is an insult to those of us with depression who manage to avoid child sexual abuse images!!!

Havaina · 04/09/2018 19:22

@Pissedoffdotcom

I genuinely don't care what i get called, i would put a bullet in each & every convictef paedophile. Once a paedo always a paedo, why take that risk?

So you're going to find every convicted paedophile, kill them and go to jail for the rest of your life? Hmm

You're not really going to do that, so why the big talk?

Pissedoffdotcom · 04/09/2018 19:25

Yes Havaina i meant i literally would go round personally & do it myself 🙄🙄 several people have queried what we should do with paedos - especially given others are lambasting folk for suggesting castration. My answer would be state funded execution in the form of a bullet for each. Cheaper than prison.

Better? It has nothing to do with 'big talk'

Pissedoffdotcom · 04/09/2018 19:29

But i categorically would knife DP in his sleep if i ever found out he had done anything as revolting. Prison does sod all except make paedos even more 'woe is me it isn't my fault'. I've been on the receiving end of SA, i know the fall outs from it. Anybody who thinks it is acceptable to contribute to SA does not deserve to live

nellieellie · 04/09/2018 19:34

In my experience, a lot of women who stay with abusers are sad, vulnerable women. They have often have had difficult childhoods with barely adequate parenting. If they feel they love their partner, it comes to their own needs trumping their children’s. (Used to work in job where children were subject to care proceedings - often involving abuse). There’s a lot of denial with the woman refusing to believe her own child and thereby being seen (rightly) as incapable of keeping her child safe.

Pissedoffdotcom · 04/09/2018 19:37

What were the main reasons for disbelieving did you find nellieellie out of curiousity? Especially with younger children? I find it difficult to comprehend how anybody thinks a young child particularly could or would make up something like that without there being some truth to it

PollyFlinderz · 04/09/2018 19:53

He used to watch trains from here. You can see trains from here. I think.' And you clearly couldn't

Im glad everyone involved was played by actors because the woman who said the above was something else entirely. I was chilled to the bone by her demeanour but I can't hold it against her becaase Ive never walked in her shoes.

The other woman was also quite creepy but she had more moments of something I could relate to as being normal.

PollyFlinderz · 04/09/2018 19:54

Sorry pressed enter instead of preview

PollyFlinderz · 04/09/2018 19:56

But i categorically would knife DP in his sleep if i ever found out he had done anything as revolting

I very much doubt you would. You'd be thinking of your kids, you mum, his mum etc etc etc and you'd not do it.

Pissedoffdotcom · 04/09/2018 19:59

No disrespect but you have no idea what i would be thinking. And with regards to the whole 'thinking about his mum, your mum, your kids' the only thought process would be what a scummy bastard he was & how much he would have destroyed his whole family, immediate & extended. The thought that he would get a slap on the wrist - which a community order basically is - or a short stint in prison then be allowed to continue? No chance. And yes, i fully realise that is a massive reaction but as i said above, i know first hand what damage monsters cause. The best thing for my family if that ever happened would be to make sure he ended up in a box

Inevereverwanttogohome · 04/09/2018 20:05

Wow, I thought my story was bad but I am so shocked and saddened by some of the stories that other people have shared Flowers to you all.

I've been at work so only been able to follow on my phone, but someone mentioned about women getting the blame, if I am correct... As I said in my previous post, as time has gone on I feel bitter towards my mother, but I feel sad for her too. The person who is most to blame was my father who is no longer here to answer to the consequences. I find it hard to deal with my mother's handling of the old bastards death, and how he was despatched with pomp and ceremony. My SIL who was so angry as she felt I had put her children at risk actually did a reading at the old abusers funeral.

I am so greatful that I have come through this and have some semblance of a happy family life, but some remants remain. If anyone ever looked at my DD wrong... My DD is the light of my life and I love her much. I am weeping thinking that she could ever get herself into the situatiion that that my mother did...

PollyFlinderz · 04/09/2018 20:07

No disrespect but you have no idea what i would be thinking

I think if people really carried out their thoughts we would know about it via the press.

Pissedoffdotcom · 04/09/2018 20:08

Yes you would. After the fact. Well, you would know that an evil bastard had been knifed in his bed by his partner...unless the person involved shared their thoughts you would be none the wiser.

Inevereverwanttogohome · 04/09/2018 20:09

PS I haven't watched the programme and won't be doing so, to upsetting

SummerGems · 04/09/2018 20:09

SchadenfreudePersonified I do take that point, :-) I think for me it was his insistence that he absolutely didn’t want to do it again which was completely the opposite to Robert who essentialy denied even seeing some of the video’s he’d been convicted of having.

But I do agree with the sentiment that the DD was trying to blame her mother and even suggesting that he might have a new partner in years to come

Also I imagine that the daughters themselves might run into judgements from eg. Potential partners and/or friends when it transpires that they have defended him.

BangingOn · 04/09/2018 20:25

There have recently been several convictions of historic abuse and rape by teachers at my old boarding school. One of those convicted has an adult daughter with children of her own and she has stood by her father, being very vocal in her defence of him and public criticism of the victim. I am torn between being appalled by her behaviour and feeling incredibly sorry for her. I think the issue is even more complicated when the man convicted is your father. I would like to think I wouldn’t behave in the same way, but she is clearly in denial and I can see how that would be a form of self-preservation.

Pissedoffdotcom · 04/09/2018 20:28

BangingOn that sounds similar to my old boarding school. One of the grandchildren of the convicted teacher spoke out about him assaulting her - her mother basically made out she was a mental case, attention seeking because she wasn't the main focus any more. The kid was 9 ffs