Channel 4 documentary "Married to a paedophile" *MNHQ amended title*

[MissHavershamssis]

Channel 4 tonight aired a documentary whereby the words and experiences of women married to paedophiles were documented albeit actresses played the parts of the wives to preserve anonymity.

I absolutely cannot comprehend any woman who could remain married to a man who finds the abuse of children arousing. One wife rightly so chucked her husband out upon his arrest - yet is happy for their two daughters to have contact? The other woman was imo disgusting - welcomed her husband (who had viewed the most extreme categorises of child abuse over several months) back with excitement and 'wore her best dress' to meet him on his release from prison.

I absolutely am not of the vigilante stance where 'we should chop their bits off' etc, and believe in rehabilitation via the SOTP, but as a mother and daughter I cannot get my head around any woman who could remain with a partner who found children sexually attractive.

On a different forum a few years ago there as a woman who defended her partner to the death as he was attracted to pre-pubescent boys but didn't act on that attraction. Most people were horrified.

So I suppose my AIBU is - to not understand how anyone could stay with a partner who has a paedophile as a partner.

@Hindsight1
She’s not trying to say she’s had it worse.
But it’s devastating and she is a victim.

You’re clearly very hurt, but attacking other victims is not going to help you or anyone.

Abuse is a complex thing, in all shapes and forms and affects everyone who is caught up in it.

@Eliza9917
Sorry that was meant for you! I cut and pasted the wrong name

@storm4star
Thank you for that, and for that link.

I'm going to take issue on a couple of points.
Yes, I do think some men are drawn into viewing these images in order to feed a need for more and more extreme subject matter, but there is a difference between perhaps stumbling across images and going looking for them. We know my husband did, he admitted it. He denied being sexually aroused by children, though, until his victim came forward and told what he had done to her as a little girl, then there was nowhere to hide any more.
My understanding, from the research I have done, contradicts yours. It is my understanding that most paedophiles identify as heterosexual males and form relationships with adult females; most are married or in relationships. I think it is a dangerous path to suggest that paedophiles are exclusively attracted to children - that is not often the case. It creates the idea that they are sad, lonely men, wasting away in bedsits. Most of them are outwardly normal men going to work every day and helping with the washing up. They are under the noses of the people close to them and that is part of what makes them so dangerous and why it is so difficult for their families when they are found out.

Okay, time for me to go, I think. I've had ten years of this and frankly, I just don't need it.

Thank you to those who have understood and been supportive.

What I meant was that the definition of a paedophile is someone who is mainly or only attracted to children. This means their preference is children over adults. So these men viewing images don't have that preference necessarily so are not true paedophiles. However, at the same time you are 100% correct that most of these men, both internet offenders and contact offenders, are seemingly "normal" men with families etc. A lot of sexual abuse is about power and control, not strictly sex. It is very complex. "paedo" has just become the term that everyone uses to cover all of these behaviours.

I meant to say in my original post, the other thing I noticed was when the older lady talked about her husband "categorising" the images. This also is extremely common and is part of the compulsive nature of it. When talking about internet offenders only (contact is different) I'm not saying anyone should have sympathy for them, but it is something that needs to be "treated" for want of a better word, to prevent them doing it again.

Lucy Faithfull are great. They actually have a helpline for various things, including for people who have sexual thoughts about children. I would like to see it much more publicised and the services expanded. Surely it's better for everyone if a man can call up, be honest, get help etc before he actually acts on those thoughts? We can bury our heads in the sand and think oh we'll just punish them, ostracise them etc. But prevention is the one thing that will help children. Punishing the offenders after the fact does not undo the harm caused.

Eliza9917 - Nowhere has HIndsight1 suggested she's had it worse than a SA victim!

What she is saying is that when you find out that the person you are married to isn't the person you thought you married, that decades of your life has been a lie, it's hard. Hard to accept, hard to process and hard to come to terms with. The emotional and psychological impact of such a huge betrayal cannot, and should not be dismissed.

Eliza9917 you have clearly missed the point Hindsight was trying to make & now come across as quite bullying. Perhaps have another read...

Hindsight1 thank you for your posts, can honestly say the way you have written about things has made me think over a few things

Whatever you call them these men are committing sex abuse crimes against children. If you pay for images of children being abused you are creating abuse and continuing it every time you view. The violation continues, it is just as bad. Many men have relationships with women and abuse their children too, it's not an either/or thing.
It's usual in this society for criminals to be punished, and for them to be kept out of circulation to protect the public. There are arguments against this (which might include death for very dangerous people, or long term criminal hospital) but in the meantime we should not treat these offenders as victims, that is dangerous collusion.

Treatment is notoriously unsuccessful, that's why we have offenders register. It's a progressive addiction, yes it's about power and complete disregard for others. Don't minimise it

This made my run cold. Would be interesting too see a catch up series though.

My father had a friend who was a convicted pedophile. Both my parents knew this and still had him over to stay when both my sister and I were young right up until our early teens. His wife did divorce him and would not let him see his daughter.

• paedophile

Urrghh! I'm glad I don't watch TV anymore (apart from Netflix), seriously who wants to know about this kind of stuff!? It's seriously sickening tbh, I don't understand why you'd want to watch it? Just why, what are you gaining from watching it?

I'll bet more partners leave their sick paedo convicted partners than stay with them, but Ch4 wants us all to believe otherwise, as that's way more interesting tv ! indoctrination people, switch it off, it's all shite!

Zombie thread

It was interesting too see how the wife's and daughters reacted. No sympathy for the men, who were in denial anyway. Interestingly the sex offenders scheme that he was on I think actually ended due to they're being and increased risk of them actually reoffending!

Oooh really interesting was it, my god!

Who pissed on your chips? 🤔

When I opened the thread, I wasn't expecting a discussion about a tv programme discussing the "reactions" of paedos' partners - I can't fathom why anyone would want to sit down and watch such a programme tbh, it's imo, trash tv that effects your mental health, including depression and anxiety, it seems like a pointless programme from how the OP has described it and what do you gain from it? is it educational? funny? enjoyable?

My generation watches more and more TV than any other and most of it is utter shite - programmes like this make me angry, it's almost normalising it: most of the partners stayed with their paedo partners - no, I don't believe that for a minute! how does that effect the viewer? (again, going on how OP and others have described it), it sounds gossipy, trashy and callous. Vile.

I know someone this happened to. She still believes he is innocent. She was groomed.

Childrens services make someone i know have contact with her daughters abuser because they have two sons together the police dropped the case against him so technically he can be seen as "innocent" but no one believes it not even the social worker but they went full on and hard against THE MOTHER with threats to remove the younger two children didn't care about the victim at all didnt support her or help her despite being directed to at every meeting they had it was agreed support would be provided for the victim it never was now the mother is stuck seeing her daughters abuser weekly she is on medication her daughter is getting support through the doctors its fractured the family apart

There’s someone in our village who was arrested for making images of children and found guilty. His wife is still with him, they had pre teen and teen girls at the time. He tried to blame his business partner, saying it was a shared laptop. I can only assume she believes him....is sticking her head in the sand.

Paedophiles groom the whole family, they are quite subtle about it, it's insidious. That's why some wives stay with them. Most don't though.

I worked with one. Not that I knew - or indeed anyone did - until he was arrested.

Police in school taking IT equipment for analysis.

He was at the ‘lighter’ end of things and received a fine.

He left his home and lived away for a bit. They separated but didn’t divorce.

After a few years he returned to live, quietly, in a different house nearby.

There was some reconciliation but by this time he was terminally ill and died not long afterwards.

A very hard time for her, and his adult children, as he was a pillar in the community etc.