Channel 4 documentary "Married to a paedophile" *MNHQ amended title*

[MissHavershamssis]

Channel 4 tonight aired a documentary whereby the words and experiences of women married to paedophiles were documented albeit actresses played the parts of the wives to preserve anonymity.

I absolutely cannot comprehend any woman who could remain married to a man who finds the abuse of children arousing. One wife rightly so chucked her husband out upon his arrest - yet is happy for their two daughters to have contact? The other woman was imo disgusting - welcomed her husband (who had viewed the most extreme categorises of child abuse over several months) back with excitement and 'wore her best dress' to meet him on his release from prison.

I absolutely am not of the vigilante stance where 'we should chop their bits off' etc, and believe in rehabilitation via the SOTP, but as a mother and daughter I cannot get my head around any woman who could remain with a partner who found children sexually attractive.

On a different forum a few years ago there as a woman who defended her partner to the death as he was attracted to pre-pubescent boys but didn't act on that attraction. Most people were horrified.

So I suppose my AIBU is - to not understand how anyone could stay with a partner who has a paedophile as a partner.

YANBU, if I found out my husband was a sick peado, I’d chop his dick off and stab him in the eyeballs so he couldn’t view it ever again!

They’re the scourge of society.

I might watch that in catch up OP. My mum is aware that my stepdad sexually abused me and is still with him. I'm in therapy but really finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that she stayed. It's harder for me to wrap my head around than what he did to me. I've even tried maintaining a relationship with her (away from him of course) - that's another story a but I am just SO fucking angry. With both of them, but I feel she's let me down the most Maybe something like this might help!

What I can't get my head round is if you know your partner is attracted sexually to children then how you could have an intimate relationship with them. There'd always be the thought they were fantasising about children while having sex.

It's absolutely the vilest taboo - and women who stay with paedophiles disgust me and contribute to child abuse (IMO)

I don't agree with 'death, chopping bits off' etc - I do believe that teaching them, no matter their perversion, to never search for images or act on their unnatural impulses VIA SOTP is the way forward.

I’d feel like my husband had died. The person I had loved didn’t exist.

@gunpowder im so sorry for what youve been through. i read the thread in telly addicts and the show has upset/disgusted a lot of people, maybe check that thread before putting yourself through watching the show?

i haven't met your mum or stepdad but my blood was boiling reading your post so i think anger is an understandable emotion for you to feel xxxx

My mum is aware that my stepdad sexually abused me and is still with him.

I am so, so sorry that you've been let down by your mam - I just can't get my head around any woman who would do that - it's vile xx

I've learnt OP that - for whatever reason - women very often stay with their partners after accusations and convictions. They must think either one of two things:

1. That he can't really have done it his victim is a liar or
2. Being attracted to children is not that big a deal.

There was a man in our old village who was a councillor but previously the head of a boys boarding school in the 70s. Accusations came to light that he'd abused some boys in his care. Of course everyone in the pub said the accusers were liars, looking for money etc, but as the fifth boy the tenth and the twentieth boy came forward it suddenly went quiet in the pub.

One of the most horrific things I've heard in any abuse case was what he did to one victim on his wedding day. He groomed his victims of course, and even showed up at their universities after they'd left his school, with extravagant presents (cars etc). He sent a telegram to one of his victims on the day of his (victim's) wedding saying how proud he was that he'd found the right girl, from his favourite teacher, Mr Bloggs (I won't state his real name on here as he has kids but happy to share in a PM - this is all public info reported from the court case). The groom, who hadn't told a soul about the abuse, had a nervous breakdown on his own wedding day. His abuser knew that the telegram would do that to him. How evil is that?

The abusers wife is still with him. He's in his 70s and will die in prison, and they're still together. I don't know how some people can live with themselves

I think maybe the partners who stay with child abusers are people who have been convinced that
a) It probably didn't really happen and wasn't that bad
b) Men have NEEDS and perhaps 'I' (as in the partner who stays, not me personally) wasn't doing my duty
c) I'm stuck with him because marriage is for life, I'll just try to make sure he's never alone with any children

Or they are abusers by proxy. They don't act out themselves but get some kind of satisfaction from being associated with someone who does.

People lie to themselves and convince themselves that they were ill, it was a phase, they need help. So sad, so disturbing I could only watch a few minutes.

*GunpowderGelatine Mon 03-Sep-18 23:48:38
I've learnt OP that - for whatever reason - women very often stay with their partners after accusations and convictions. They must think either one of two things:

1. That he can't really have done it his victim is a liar or
2. Being attracted to children is not that big a deal*

Being attracted to children is not such a big deal? How fucked up is that - seriously - to those affected by this please - we agree

Did you watch it to the end OP? The woman who stayed with her husband actually changed her mind by the end and they separated - she said it was a choice between him and her grandchildren.

*DonttouchthatLarry Tue 04-Sep-18 00:02:43
Did you watch it to the end OP? The woman who stayed with her husband actually changed her mind by the end and they separated - she said it was a choice between him and her grandchildren.*I

I did yes = Yes good on her finally protecting her grandchildren - certainly doesn't deserve a round of applause pfft

I haven’t seen the programme, but wonder whether the women hope they will be the one that changes/saves their partner from himself. It isn’t the same, but my partner was a rent boy (living off elderly men) when I met him and he said to me he loved me and wanted to change his life for the better. It was very enticing and flattering to be the ‘one’ who changed his ways, supposedly. I am not in anyway defending the women who live with paedophiles, and my relationship hasn’t worked out well either, but the challenge and hope of saving them might be the psychology that has kept them in the relationship.

Didn't watch because it angers me so much but was this perhaps because her child or their partner rightfully didn't want her to have anything to do with their children if she stayed?! She was fine when it was other children being abused though?

If it were me, I'd always have concerns with her judgement around my child whether she stayed or not.

I don’t think it’s legal for me to write how I actually feel about anyone who hurts or abuses children

I watched a tiny bit of it. Even in the 5 minutes or so that I saw, the amount of self-deceiving was unbelievable. The woman staring otu of the window where he used to watch neighbours' children saying, 'He used to watch trains from here. You can see trains from here. I think.' And you clearly couldn't.

The man with the caravan who wrote to his children saying, 'I'm not a paedo. I just was addicted to porn and it got progressively more diverse. I only ever watched on screen.' As though the children on that screen were not real and his choice to view what happened to them was not a huge part of perpetuating such abuse.

I wanted someone to challenge the self deceit but no one seemed to so I switched off.

I saw/read something once which said that most of the abuse of children wasn't by paedophiles, but by those who wanted control and children were just the easiest targets. Are those who are sexually attracted to children but never act on it as bad as people who actually abuse children but aren't specifically attracted to children? (I wasn't watching the programme)

I knew a family where the father had sexually abused the daughters, and then the eldest son also abused them too.

When the elder of the 2 daughters finally spoke about it, her mother rejected her ‘version’. The woman in question said that hurt more than anything he had ever done.

They are still in contact. She now has children and they see him too. It’s all very fucked up. They all know what went on but it’s not spoken about.

They rely on their victim being uncomfortable speaking about it, or hurting someone in the process.

And to the women (on this programme) saying ‘he’d never do it in real life’ - he is watching a REAL child being abused. How can they not see that?

I’ll take in one step further and say this isn’t that different to watching porn. It’s not porn in either case. It’s watching children being abused. It’s watching women being abused.

Why do women stay?

I’ve come to the conclusion that in life the most powerful forces that guide people’s behaviour are: habit, and self-interest. In no particular order.

What humans can justify to themselves on the basis of these two insidious forces defies belief. And how quickly and permanently they can decide to go with an alternate reality. Habit and/or self-interest, I say.

Have a look at people through that lense for a while, as an exercise. It takes a very unique person to reject those forces and ‘do the right thing’. Most of us can’t do it.

One wife rightly so chucked her husband out upon his arrest - yet is happy for their two daughters to have contact?

I don't think she was happy about it. I do think she knew that they were adults, had moved away from home, and could make their own decisions about whether or not to see their dad.

Pedophiles cannot be rehabilitated. They should be shot in the face.

My birth mother is still with her husband after he sexually abused me and my siblings (we were put in care) 25 years later. I haven't had anything to do with the sick fucks for 25 years.

This happened to my friend. I've talked about it before on MN - but it was the classic 6am raid by the police. She'd no idea.

He's in prison now. She does not still love him. She threw him out when he was released on bail. But the police liaison officer told her that about 50% of wives stand by their husbands - which I thought was shockingly high.

While I am obviously totally oppose to all abuse against children, I do thing there's a massive difference between someone who has an involuntary arousal to thoughts of children, but is horrified by it and never intends to act on it, and someone pursuing children to abuse.

I did some training some years back which went into the percentage of the population who were attracted to post-pubescent but under 18 girls, I can't remember the stats but it was much higher than I would have guessed. The majority of people never act on their feelings.