Channel 4 documentary "Married to a paedophile" *MNHQ amended title*

[MissHavershamssis]

Channel 4 tonight aired a documentary whereby the words and experiences of women married to paedophiles were documented albeit actresses played the parts of the wives to preserve anonymity.

I absolutely cannot comprehend any woman who could remain married to a man who finds the abuse of children arousing. One wife rightly so chucked her husband out upon his arrest - yet is happy for their two daughters to have contact? The other woman was imo disgusting - welcomed her husband (who had viewed the most extreme categorises of child abuse over several months) back with excitement and 'wore her best dress' to meet him on his release from prison.

I absolutely am not of the vigilante stance where 'we should chop their bits off' etc, and believe in rehabilitation via the SOTP, but as a mother and daughter I cannot get my head around any woman who could remain with a partner who found children sexually attractive.

On a different forum a few years ago there as a woman who defended her partner to the death as he was attracted to pre-pubescent boys but didn't act on that attraction. Most people were horrified.

So I suppose my AIBU is - to not understand how anyone could stay with a partner who has a paedophile as a partner.

I'm a prison nurse and I have previously worked with sex offenders.

When a man who had been in prison for 8 years drooled at me and said "I bet your children are gorgeous" I realised they can NEVER be rehabilitated.

I think chemical castration should be a condition of release to protect the public... or better still, never release them at all...

I’m beyond disgusted that anyone could view these men as somehow acceptable.

I wonder what happens to paedophiles who suppress their sexual orientation? Do they live with their secret? It's be a lovely life. I remember watching a documentary about a man who declared that he was a paedophile who had never acted on it. He was looking for help but didn't seem to get much help.

It’s clearly not in the same league but think about Melania Trump and how she is still willing to stay in her marriage despite how disgustingly her husband has behaved and continues to behave - how he has cheated on all his wives, uses prostitutes and feels free to disrespect and sexually assault women at will. Yet for her the benefits outway all this behaviour, self-preservation (which I would expect would urge a woman to leave the marriage) encourages her to stay. It’s amazing how self-deceptive we can be.

Back in 2014, Daily Telegraph had an article about academic discussions: Paedophilia is natural and normal for males

After a fierce battle in the American Psychiatric Association (APA...a proposal to include hebephilia as a disorder in the new edition of the manual has been defeated. The proposal arose because puberty in children has started ever earlier in recent decades and as a result, it was argued, the current definition of paedophilia – pre-pubertal sexual attraction – missed out too many young people.

It's a wretched but eye-opening read for some of the claims about how common paedophilia/hebephilia/ephebophilia are (I hope that they're all wrong but the scandals like the current one in Glasgow highlight that there's obviously a market in this abuse of children).

The second lady came to her senses at the end and admitted he disgusted her in the end. She was clearly in denial at first.

The first lady her daughters were over 18 so not even her choice. The 21 year old daughter scarily tried to downplay his claims tho which was horrible to see.

Speaking from my own experience, when someone chooses your abuser over you, it's a terrible betrayal.

My sister at first denied, then minimised my stepfather's abuse of me (it didn't happen to her).
It caused a huge fracture in our sibling relationship which I doubt will ever heal.

The sad fact is that some women are so desperate to be in a relationship, even a bad one, that they'll put up with any shit.

There's been a spate of threads recently from women in abusive relationships at risk of losing their children and continuing to be in that relationship. I'm not talking about women who are financially dependent on the man or that he is the Father of the children and they're worried about the children's safety if he has unsupervised contact but he's not the kids Dad, they don't even live together but they're 'addicted' to him and 'can't stay away'.

I was sexually abused by my father from the age of 7 until almost 20. My mother found out on several occasions but never had the bottle to leave him. The first time she found out I was so happy, I thought that my misery was over. He talked her round and soon went back to abusing me. And so it went on until I married the first person I could to get away from home.

My mothers excuse for not leaving the first time she found out was that she didn't want to live in a council house. As I have mentioned on here before, I would have been delighted to live in a council house and get away from that monster.

I did maintain a relationship with my family after I left, and foolishly even felt that my father was sorry for what he had done and wasn't a danger... I was very niave and foolish to think that. I had to visit at the beginning of this year when my mother was admitted to hospital, all well for a few days and then he tried to attack me. This resulted in me locking myself in the bedroom, whilst he tried to hammer the door down and made threats. He was in his 80's then. My brother had to come and take me to his. This culminated in me telling my brother and his wife what had happened to me as I realised that my father was still a danger. My SIL went balistic with me, told me I had put her children at risk by not telling her about the abuse...

To cut a long story short, a few months later got an email from my mother telling me that brother, SIL and their teenage children were moving into the parents house to help look after him. My brother took exception to me telling my mother that my father was a rapist and paedophile. My mother totally minimised what had happened to me earlier in the year, told me that he wasn't a risk as he was old now and only had one eye... You couldn't make it up. I put her straight on a few things there and then, and then went no contact with them.

If I am being honest, I feel very bitter towards my mother. She has enabled my fathers behaviour throughout the years. She has had many chances whereby she could have made a break but chose not to. Going NC has been the best thing I could do and I am happy with that.

My father died a few weeks ago and I did not attend his funeral. Again, happy with that decision. What did hurt though was that he was apparently given a magnificent send off.

Sorry to read about those of you who have gone through similar experiences. Someone on here advised me to contact Rape Crisis, even though it was historic abuse, which I have done. I have started counselling now and it is helping.

When a man who had been in prison for 8 years drooled at me and said "I bet your children are gorgeous" I realised they can NEVER be rehabilitated.

You must have felt like punching him.

I recorded this and am unsure whether I will watch it yet.

My mother knew my step dad abused me, she caught him. She then forgave us both for our 'affair' but brought it up constantly until I left home (the day I was 16).

I was 11 and he was in his 50s.

I've spent my life in this field. Chemical castration is no cure. The paedophilic urge is about more than the sexual act, it's about control and absorbing the 'youthfullness' of the child to fulfill their own unmet inner needs. Also, in a scientific study, out of a thousand paedo's put on lie detectors, only 30% had actually been sexually abused themselves in childhood.

In my opinion they need locking up and the key thrown away and in the severest cases, a gun to the head & finish with it.

@brizzledrizzle

then peadophilia which is also sexual attraction, isn't a choice

It is always a choice. It might be sexual attraction but you have a choice not to act upon it. I see somebody walking round our city who I think is gorgeous and I'd love to have a relationship with them but they are married and so I ignore my feelings for them.

And that's exactly my point, that how can someone who has acted on their feelings and hurt a child (and I consider veiwing images etc as hurting a child because someone takes those photos and those looking are providing the market for it) ever be rehabilitated at all when the feelings that caused them to do it can't be changed?
I don't believe they can be rehabilitated, and I think that a woman as closely involved as some described here, who stand by the man and believe he can be are either in denial or just as bad.

The groom, who hadn't told a soul about the abuse, had a nervous breakdown on his own wedding day. His abuser knew that the telegram would do that to him. How evil is that?

Bloody awful, but it goes to reinforce my long-held feeling that a lot of abuse is more about power than sex. Imo, that also explains why abuse victims sometimes become abusers: it's a way of dealing with that feeling of being powerless about what happens to you.

Why wives and partners stand by these men is a complete bloody mystery to me though.

@MinaPaws

I'm sure the wife that recorded the audio was not in the same place as the actress that played her. The people you saw were actresses.

I expect the women are in an extremely unhealthy relationship from the get go. Some may have even been abused themselves and seen it as normal.
I don’t expect that paedophiles are going to get into a relationship with a strong independent woman who would kill them if they discovered the truth. They will target the vulnerable so they can get away with it.

I used to have a male friend back when inwas 16 he was early 20s, one that I flirted with and almost had a relationship with. he was a janitor at a school, he was found with child abuse pictures on the school computer and at his home. he was jailed for 2 years.

when i found out I just couldn't believe it. (I did believe.. I just mean it was so sureal) infelt sick, i still do. so i cant imagine what a wife would feel, though i also dont understand how they could stand with them ethier.

inhad another male friend, who was his best friend. who stuck by him, it made me question him to, and I still do. the bloke in question was released and went on to have a child and is still with the mum and allowed full acces to the child.

I'm nit sure if inwant to watch this programme. and I'm sorry anyone has had to deal with this personally.

I cut contact with both the pedo and friend.

just wanted to make sure that you know I was siding with the wife, I just th I k it's one he'll of a shock.

I've worked professionally with child sex offenders and their families...

Often partners are groomed too...

Also women are part of a wider very powerful societal narrative... Of always nurturing and loving others (sometimes misguided...) /'sticking by your husband regardless...
There is a whole cycle of minimising /disbelieving /accepting their guilt /relationship breakdown...

Also what hasn't been addressed here : offending men are often safer in terms of their risk if their partners are with them... As long as the partner is on message

I have some experience, not with a family member though.

The collateral damage is huge. In the case I know the parents of the man had to take him back in as his wife rightly chucked him out. He had a nervous breakdown and was sectioned and on release needed somewhere to live. As his parents I suppose they felt responsible.

However, they have other children and grandchildren and this situation then caused huge issues about them seeing their GP. Not the parents fault, nor the grandkids but the whole things so unbelievably stressful. There's press on the doorstep when it goes to court etc. Most of the family in this case ended up on ADs and in counselling.

I'm in no doubt paedophiles cannot be rehabilitated. But don't underestimate the level of fallout damage for the innocent people around them left trying to work out who the hell their relative is, whether they are to blame and wtf to do next.

Pedophiles cannot be rehabilitated

This ^

Even when they become too old/impotent/whatever to manage to have sex with their victims, they continue to get a kick from enabling others paedophiles to commit hideous rapes and abuses.

They are filth. However I appreciate that people can't help their impulses - bu they can help whether they act on them. To me, someone who is attracted to children but does not act on that impulse, keeps away from children was much as they can, and doesn't feed into the cruelty by watching child porn etc is nowhere near are bad as one who indulges their filthy desires - as another poster says, it's not all sex (probably very little about sex) - like rape of any kind, it is a power/control kick.

They really are scum

I haven't watched the programme yet, but will when I get time and have the space to have a good weep, because I know it will break my heart.

I don’t expect that paedophiles are going to get into a relationship with a strong independent woman who would kill them if they discovered the truth. They will target the vulnerable so they can get away with it.

Quite a few are strong independent women. If you look at GMC hearings, there are lots of senior medics 'standing by their man'. I know a senior commissioner for a large CCG who is waiting for the Father of her children to come out of prison for downloading images of child abuse. He was struck off so will be financially dependent on her.

My sister's ex boyfriend was sent to prison for viewing child abuse on his computer. At the trial it came to light that he had been abused for years as a child by his own grandfather.

He was a broken man, he didn't understand why he wanted/needed to see the images, and as I understand it, they must have been pretty bad to warrant a prison sentence, and I'm absolutely not excusing or condoning his actions. However, there is often a sad story of abuse behind their actions. Not always, but you can't lump all paedophilia in one basket, each case is different.

The family tried to stand by both the grandfather and the grandson, not really knowing who or what to believe. The grandson attempted suicide several times. His sister moved away and completely cut contact with the family. His mum and dad split up.

Abuse in any form damages people/families, and has ramifications for future generations. I don't have any answers or solutions, but I feel a complicated mixture of loathing and pity for these individuals.

I would like to add to this thread that paedophiles are expert manipulators. They groom the adults around them, including their wives/husbands and family members. When the truth comes out, the shit storm that follows is one massive mind fuck. Trying to marry up the person you thought they were with the person it seems they are. Abusers tend to seek out relationships with vulnerable people, including adults. They are absolutely brilliant at creating a smoke screen for their lives. Their families, who have had no idea for many years often, have suddenly had everything they have ever known ripped out. It can take a long time to escape the clutches of such people, to realise that they are indeed a monster underneath it all.

I can totally see why 50% of people stand by their husband or wife. They will be the vulnerable adults who have been groomed into believing that they cannot live without that person. Groomed to the point where they are their whole world, and are in their control.

Feel sorry for these people. There are some vicious comments on here by people who are NOT vulnerable. Make no mistake, abusers choose their victims on how easily manipulated they will be. This includes their own wives and husbands. I hope those women can find the strength to live full lives and receive counselling for their views on what relationships should be.

Oh and “strong independent women” has nothing to do with them having money and a career. Vulnerability exists in “strong” women in places you don’t realise.