Channel 4 documentary "Married to a paedophile" *MNHQ amended title*

[MissHavershamssis]

Channel 4 tonight aired a documentary whereby the words and experiences of women married to paedophiles were documented albeit actresses played the parts of the wives to preserve anonymity.

I absolutely cannot comprehend any woman who could remain married to a man who finds the abuse of children arousing. One wife rightly so chucked her husband out upon his arrest - yet is happy for their two daughters to have contact? The other woman was imo disgusting - welcomed her husband (who had viewed the most extreme categorises of child abuse over several months) back with excitement and 'wore her best dress' to meet him on his release from prison.

I absolutely am not of the vigilante stance where 'we should chop their bits off' etc, and believe in rehabilitation via the SOTP, but as a mother and daughter I cannot get my head around any woman who could remain with a partner who found children sexually attractive.

On a different forum a few years ago there as a woman who defended her partner to the death as he was attracted to pre-pubescent boys but didn't act on that attraction. Most people were horrified.

So I suppose my AIBU is - to not understand how anyone could stay with a partner who has a paedophile as a partner.

I' been married 15 years and had very small daughters when i discovered my then husband was a peodophile. One of his previous victims contacted me and told me. She was a woman I knew. She told me of another victim who I knew better, let's call her V.

I went to see her the next day and as soon as I said the first woman had called me and I had to know if it was true, I knew by her face it was.

We went back to her home and she told me everything. He had raped her and her sisters regularly since they were toddlers. All the family knew. Nothing had ever been done.

I left him. For a few weeks me and my 4 children slept on a friend's floor. I managed to get him out of the house and we returned.

The only support I ever received was from the second woman I spoke to and the police. My community turned against me. I was threatened with a gun. I was libelled in the very local magazine. People ignored me, gossiped about me, threatened me.

V supported me through all this, tried to help. The police put an alarm in my house which directly contacted police HQ.

My own family turned against me. Why? I was the most ordinary of people but I was demonised and threatened because I didn't allow a man with a long, long, admitted history of raping tiny girls, live with our children. It was terrifying and I felt isolated and afraid.

He was never prosecuted. He still sees his enabling family and their little children.

People just didn't want to hear or know. It was easier to see me as an unforgiving, disloyal wife than to face up to his hideous crimes.

But my children and their children are safe from him. I kept them safe when barely any other fucker would.

I can hardly believe my experience is true, but I lived it. (NC for this)

IMO, those that remain with offenders are in some way damaged and affected by the abuse themselves, however-it takes a special kind of sick to minimise and even blame the victim. I'm thinking of a high profile case currently when the wife's emails are on record calling the pre teen victim a "lying little slag" (I've been purposely vague) She should also receive a sentence.

BTW, other victims contacted me, all related to him. But no-one went to the police. No blame from me. Stick your head above the parapet and you get shot at. The trauma from the abuse was too much.

topoftheheap: I don’t think being a senior doctor stops you from being vulnerable, but it makes you less likely to be involved with an abuser.
The women in this programme fitted a weaker more vulnerable type.
It is why I am so obsessed that I educate my daughter to be emotionally intelligent and never ever put up with someone who is weak minded, controlling and potentially abusive. Of course with abusers it is very very difficult to identify these traits!!

I actually feel sorry for anyone who is attracted to children and doesn't act on it. I couldn't be in an intimate relationship with him though. Viewing child porn or abusing a child is obviously unforgivable.

While I am obviously totally oppose to all abuse against children, I do thing there's a massive difference between someone who has an involuntary arousal to thoughts of children, but is horrified by it and never intends to act on it, and someone pursuing children to abuse.
This ^^. You can't help how you feel, you can help how you react to it.

and “strong independent women” has nothing to do with them having money and a career. Vulnerability exists in “strong” women in places you don’t realise.

True. Can't muster any sympathy for standing by a paedophile though. Whereas I might have some understanding for a woman with specific vulnerabilities who is dependent on her partner.

Obviously this isn't always the case but I knew a girl through work who got groomed at 13/14 by a man in his 40s, a man with previous convictions for paedophilia, at 18 she got pregnant by this man and due to his previous convictions she was given the choice of staying with him or keeping her baby. She chose him. It broke my heart because she was just a kid a self, a kid who had been victim to this man. So I think people should be more careful before labelling ALL these women as abhorrent as some of them are just as much of a victim.

The programme was about people who had been identified/convicted.

There wouldn't be a market in treating children as a commodity if there were no demand for them.

If any of the research around this area is correct then there are heartbreakingly high numbers of people who abuse their power over children. It's possible that some of us share communities, neighbourhoods, workplaces with them and have no idea.

My friend's father abused her and her sister, her sister called social services. Her mum left her father straight away and moved halfway across the country but just before she left, her husband tried to murder her with a kitchen knife. I've always admired my friend's mum she had no job, no money and lives in a country where there is no welfare. So brave.

Fucking hell 1off that's unbelievable you are amazingly strong. Did you have therapy?

The one thing I would say is that there are some pedophiles who don't offend and do get help, this includes volunteering for chemical castration. These people deserve support for being very brave to face this and choose not to offend.

In fact the awful awful case of April Jones, her parents chose to support a charity that helped such people.

As for those who do offend, I am not sure that the sentences are adaquate given the danger of them reoffending.

'I'm stuck with him because marriage is for life, I'll just try to make sure he's never alone with any children'

I hope this is the main factor. I would like to think they stay because that what they can control to some extent what their husbands do. To stop them from being near children. But from the comments here I'm not sure that is the case.

I can't comprehend how some people do these things. When I hold my sons little body I could, and sometimes do, weep for the children who are hurt by adults.

I eventually had therapy. My therapist said that it is very common for the the person who stood up to the abuser, to be blamed by everyone else and then treated badly. Said she saw it happen repeatedly.

As a good wife I was expected to collude in the silence and police my husband. Because, as a good wife, I'm not a person in my own right and my little daughters' worth is less than his.

I think your second point is the best idea. They can't help themselves and its between the ears, not the legs. Castration will not work.

I haven't seen the programme but will watch it. I have personal experience of being a survivor but have NCd for this to protect the other person that was abused as previous posts have given out other info that when combined could be outing.

I agree with the people that say that opportunists/abusers are a different species to people that are genuinely attracted to children. For me it was all about him relying on me being too much of a mouse to speak up, and he intentionally started discrediting me from day one to make sure that I wouldn't be believed. Little things. He joked that he smelled booze on my breath ( we lived in a pub). Small amounts of money would go missing from the tip jar and he would always suggest me and then ardently defend me. He sowed seeds of doubt in everybodys mind and as I was a brand new teenager and they are supposed to be a nightmare, people believed it. So when I became moody and withdrawn after he forced me to give him a blowjob it was totally accepted as I was just a teenager. When I started drinking after he raped me a week later, i already had form for taking booze. When I started smoking pot after 6 months of hell, I was already firmly established as an off the rail teen. Then my mum tried to shock me into behaving by kicking me out. Guess who stepped up and took me in? him and his wife. I had to lie in their kids bedroom at night and listen to them have sex nextdoor. Then I would be woken up by him climbing into my bed in the morning and forcing me against the wall while his wife walked the kids to school. At this point I was totally numb, just glad that it wasn't my sister of his kids that were going through it. I became totally promiscuous and took crazy crazy risks. Then my mum announced she was pregnant and he was going to be the god father. I went mental, found the courage to tell my mum in the clearest possible way. "He is a rapist". She said I must have asked for it. Led him on. Luckily a member of staff overheard and the rumours were rife after that. He came forward to my parents and said that he had confided in me, he had a previous conviction for a sex offence. He was a 19 year old and his girlfriend said she was 17 but she was 15 and her parents had forced a prosecution. I was trying to ruin his life by sharing this about. And of course they fell for the bull shit.....because to admit it would be to admit that they had terrible judgement in people and had put their kids at risk.

Turned out years later that he had been doing it to his kids too. They got in touch and I had a total breakdown. Finally went to the police. He was convicted of a rape everyday for 13 years. The wife initially stood by him. Even lied to social services that he was out of their lives so she could keep her kids at home. Then promptly left him looking after them while she went out. The husband and wife even went as far as to make a suicide pact to avoid trial and end up together. She took the pills, he didn't and she had to call an ambulance. Then she realised. Turned out that the daughter wasn't even his kid. So the mum got in touch with the person who was her father. Guess what? he abused her too. The problem was with the mother. Something inside her is inherently broken , she attracts the worst of the worst and has such a desperately needy air about her, it is no surprise she offered her children up and tolerated it. Turned out a few years later that her two children from marriage actually had umpteen siblings. The woman was really fat and had produced a kid every 12-24 months and given them up for adoption without anybody knowing a thing. She still refuses to discuss this, or any of it with her daughter although the daughter has managed to track some of them down.

The entire thing is heart breaking. I got off lightly really. I had intensive counselling and I am ok. I can not even imagine being part of that totally fucked up shit storm. But I do genuinely believe that we need to rebuild society from the bottom up. We need to pick up on abusive parents ( not just physical but mental)......bullies are people that have not had enough love, they need to feel power over other people and for a lot of these sickos that is what it amounts to. They want power over other people. more lessons in schools about what is and what is not ok in relationships. We need to speak about abuse openly and stop making it a taboo subject, by airing it all we raise awareness. Christ, I was always told that I had to kiss my weird adult family members when I wanted to or not. It was polite. Now I make sure my kids have full body autonomy. And that they are not scared of saying no. Or talking to me about anything.

I know of a situation like this. The man is in prison for child abuse. His wife travels a long distance monthly to visit him in prison and when he gets out plans to have him back home.
Her son is Dhs best friend and he can't understand it. She says she's all he has and she can't desert him. She may end up loosing her children because of this. They obviously want nothing to do with him.

Can I just add to what I wrote, when I say the mother was the problem, obviously I am not minimising the role the male abuser played. But she was a big part of it, by condoning it she permitted it. She had always been with abusers and they could smell it on her like a shit stain. She attracted them like flies and between them created a perfect storm. She provided the kids and attended all sorts of swingers/sex parties and he got to do whatever he wanted guilt free.

MissHavershamssis Mon 03-Sep-18 23:44:09
My mum is aware that my stepdad sexually abused me and is still with him.

I am so, so sorry that you've been let down by your mam - I just can't get my head around any woman who would do that - it's vile xx

I reckon this happens a lot more than people think. I've name changed obviously.

I was abused by my stepdad for years. Digitally & orally. From around age 4-5 I believe to about 10 I suppose.

Eventually reported it to the police at around age 11-13, I can't remember exactly how old I was. He was allowed to stay in the home after SS asking me what I wanted to happen (in the front room with him & my mum there) but sent to some sort of group through the GP. My mum obviously didn't chuck him out and how could I say I didn't want him there? I should have but I was a child. There was no further SS involvement after it all 'blew over' Although I believe we were on the at risk register and I don't know if he was placed on the sex offender register.

I then had to live the rest of my life until I left home with him in the same house.

My mum did eventually chuck him out for being feckless. He's dead now.

The PP who said about abusers being expert manipulators is spot on. I didn't watch the documentary (probably for the better, as it hits quite close to home), but this exactly describes the situation in our family. We have a family member (well, partner of a family member who married into the family in the past decade) who is a convicted paedophile. Said family member met him just as he was arrested, supported him/paid his legal bills during the trial, waited for him while he served his prison sentence and they got married after his release.

She is very codependent (not her first codependent relationship). She's a fixer who wants to save people, no matter the damage it does in her own life. He's convinced her that it's all a conspiracy. She'll cite statistics of the number of false claims of child sex abuse in the UK each year (god only knows what cesspit on the internet they've found these, some paedophile forum on the dark web or something). Children are manipulative apparently. They'll do anything to get attention, ruin a decent man's life. Classic DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender). Never mind the DNA evidence of the assault that is totally unassailable. Apparently, the poor judge was just as devastated as they were because he 'had' to sentence him and even he believed he was a 'good man'. But this person is a classic narcissist. Nothing is his fault. He's the victim. He always has to have his way, but he manipulates in a way that's very subtle. He's not violent or physically or even verbally abusive (to his partner). It's very subtle coercive control, who she can have visit her house (they live together, but it's her family home she's lived in for like 40 years), where she can go, what she can do, where she put whatever item he's looking for, etc. When she met him, she was depressed and lonely and he made it very much that it was 'us' against this horrible world that is conspiring against us. She ate it up.

Years down the line now, her relationship with her adult children is tense at best. She has very little relationship with her grandchildren, only very structured supervised visits a couple times a year, but never Christmases or birthdays, etc. because they aren't allowed to visit her home (partner forbids it as he isn't allowed contact with them, though they aren't his grandchildren). All for this loser. But she's happy. She's not alone and she believes he's this wonderful man that is just misunderstood. It's really sad. We all hope she wises up one day, but I suspect she's too old now (60s) and will be with him til he dies (which we all hope will be sooner rather than later).

@GunpowderGelatine I had similar, my stepdad and stepbrother, my mother just turned a blind eye (I told her and she laughed). For her it quite simply that she did not care and her only interest was being with this man (or any man), I'm not sure whether SF was interested in other children but he and my mom were both actively exposing us to their own perversions and probably got off on it. She did the same to my eldest sister with another of her exs before I was born.

I could never ever associate myself with someone who did that, even viewing it. They would be straight out the door and that's the end of it, NC for me and any children regardless of if it were their father. I felt for the first lady with her anger at her not being enough for him as well as everything else, but I could never be that forgiving. I would have sympathised with the older lady who said she can't just turn her feelings off etc..that's what grieving is for - but her attitude about their 'dates' as well as the fact they had grandchildren the same age churned my stomach. I know they separated in the end but he didn't deserve her support in the first place.

I'm very much in the camp that paedophiles should not be given any other chances, strongly enough that I believe death sentences for those caught without any doubt. Chemical castration for all of them and life sentences. They're a danger, even the ones who don't act on any 'urges' should be castrated as insurance.

Women, and especially older women, are conditioned to believe they NEED a man at any cost, which I think is a big part of the reason many stay. Nonetheless I have utter contempt for such women. They are the weakest of the weak, and I’m sure most women in this position do manage to overcome their ingrained fear of being without a man and leave, so there is no excuse for those who don’t.

By the way OP, YABVU for thinking paedophiles can ever be “rehabilitated”, and that even if they could this would be something worth spending resources on.

User321123 - I'm so, so sorry, that everyone let you down

I'm glad he's dead now.

This thread has made me so sad, reading all the posts by people who were abused themselves.... I’m so sorry you experienced that, and then the blow of your mums not protecting you once they found out, what a fucker.

I watched this programme last night and am now haunted by it. I am generally interested in crime and usually find documentaries about criminals really interesting. Perhaps naively, I didn’t expect the detail that was described about one of the videos watched by the older man and I wish I hadn’t heard that. I would warn anyone who plans to watch it, that there is some disgusting detail that I have found very upsetting.

I understand that people don't want to admit that it's happening, they don't want to believe that their DH is that person. they would rather be in denial.
but when you're confronted by cold hard facts, how can you go on being in denial.
The daughter in the program is a much more complex case I think, because most children will love their parents unconditionally, perhaps if she had been older with her own children it would have been different for her.
It's truly amazing the ability of a lot of humans to live in total denial all their lives, and pretty sad.