Channel 4 documentary "Married to a paedophile" *MNHQ amended title*

[MissHavershamssis]

Channel 4 tonight aired a documentary whereby the words and experiences of women married to paedophiles were documented albeit actresses played the parts of the wives to preserve anonymity.

I absolutely cannot comprehend any woman who could remain married to a man who finds the abuse of children arousing. One wife rightly so chucked her husband out upon his arrest - yet is happy for their two daughters to have contact? The other woman was imo disgusting - welcomed her husband (who had viewed the most extreme categorises of child abuse over several months) back with excitement and 'wore her best dress' to meet him on his release from prison.

I absolutely am not of the vigilante stance where 'we should chop their bits off' etc, and believe in rehabilitation via the SOTP, but as a mother and daughter I cannot get my head around any woman who could remain with a partner who found children sexually attractive.

On a different forum a few years ago there as a woman who defended her partner to the death as he was attracted to pre-pubescent boys but didn't act on that attraction. Most people were horrified.

So I suppose my AIBU is - to not understand how anyone could stay with a partner who has a paedophile as a partner.

I think we tend to blame the woman in this situation, as we feel like the monster is 'evil' and although responsible, we hope for a good person in this situation to help instead.

So the perpetrator is expected to be bad, but the good person standing by, more is expected from them.

Not sure if that makes sense.

In any case, I try not to judge in these situations. It's not easy. My biggest fear when contemplating leaving my ex, was the thought of him having access to my son, without me. So in staying, at least I could 'control' that and protect him.

We don't know what's going on. I was threatened repeatedly that if I left, he'd take my son from me. I thought that threat was very real.

Plus, when it comes to abuse, don't underestimate manipulation. Just look at the Big Brother case as an example. She managed to convince everyone that a nice good guy was a woman beater. That was in a couple of days. Imagine years of manipulation.

I could never knowingly be around a paedophile, no. One ruined years of my life. Complicit partners/adult family members are as bad in my book.

I know I should be all about that rehabilitation, but to me paedophiles and enablers are like dogs that have mauled - never to be trusted again.

It's very hard to understand. I am close to a situation like this. Different relationship between paedophile and person sticking by them. The paedophile maintains his innocence. The person sticking by them is a sibling and cant comprehend what they have done and wants to believe the paedophiles version of events. Makes up excuses for them. It's frightening really but at the same time i can see why.

It's difficult to know how one would react unless one finds themself in that situation. If someone is seeking repentance, it's difficult to turn them away, especially if you've invested everything in them.

Oh, and as for the VirPed (Virtuous Pedophile) online “movement” highlighting the paedos who do society the massive favour of not raping kids... don’t make me laugh.

Several of the movers and shakers in it have prior CP/molestation convictions and many, many more just love kids so damn much they chase careers/hobbies where they get to be around them. Totes not gonna groom or rape them though, guys!

I’m staying off the fags as I’m pregnant at the moment, and damn is it hard. So what I’m doing is holding a fag between my lips while I play with a lighter but I promise not to actually light it! If you suggest I am actually putting myself at risk of relapsing by doing this, you’re a crazy bigot!!

What about the ones that only look at images though? Don't take them or abuse kids directly. That's not power or control, they have no power or control over any one in that situation. And there's a lot more people doing that than you'd like to think believe me.

I imagine that they are fantasising that they are the ones in control of these poor abused children, and that that is how they derive their pleasure. If these vile perverts didn't create a demand for child pornography, there wouldn't be nearly as many suffering children. It is only because they can't get hold of real children, or fear getting caught, that they confine themselves to images.

I agree they can't be rehabilitated. I've had several as patients in my GP job. Suppressing their abnormal (and repulsive) feelings towards children is hard. Some want to suppress the feelings some don't.
I think as a society we haven't found an answer for this. Life incarceration? Death penalty? Unless we find an answer these men will always be a threat to children. Even if "just" looking at child porn they are complicit in the abuse of these kids used to make the porn and the internet feeds the obsessive compulsive behaviour that is often a part of it.
We are good at saying how abhorrent they are and how they shouldn't be tolerated but useless at saying what we do with them apart from ostracising them.

It’s clearly not in the same league but think about Melania Trump and how she is still willing to stay in her marriage despite how disgustingly her husband has behaved and continues to behave

TBH Feast - I think she would love to be divorced from him. But I think he's one of these men who WILL NOT let go until hE wants to. That's where he gets his kicks - controlling a woman who hates and fears the very sight of him. He can (and I imagine does) force her to do anything he wants, and she is too afraid of him to leave. (That's the impressionI get, anyway)

Its 'images of child abuse' notchild pornography

1Off

My heart aches for you - you have been tremendously courageous. You should not have had to pay the price for his crime, but you have because you have been blamed for bringing it to light. So many families - they know what is happening, but as long as they don't have to face the truth, they can pretend everything is fine and dandy. When the truth is out, they have to face themselves and their hypocrisy - and they don't like it.

Holding you and your children in my prayers.

This thread is heartbreaking. I am so sorry for all of you who weren't believed when you spoke up, and whose family chose the offender over you. How disgusting.

I adore my partner more than words can say, but if I ever found out he'd looked at images, or worse, he'd be gone. My grandfather was a horrific abuser to all his kids, and he has ruined an entire generation of adults who will always be affected by his disgusting predilections.

For anyone who needs it - please contact NAPAC (National association for people abused in childhood) napac.org.uk/
0808 801 033110am-9pm Mon-Thu & 10am-6pm on Fridays.

xxxxx

I don’t think they get punished enough and personally viewing such images is just as bad as those who abused the children in the first place. It made me sick to see the old man mowing the lawn and next door had children’s toys out.

(Completely off topic but @snappedandfarted2018 your username just made me laugh during a pants day so thank you, the memories)

This happened to a friend of mine. Until the police knocked on her door, she had no idea.

She threw him out. And changed locks etc and went out of her way to protect her kids.
For her it was awful, much much worse than if he had died. All her life and marriage based on a lie, truly heartbreakingly dreadful.

She was also torn, as ironically he had been a great dad and had not touched their own kids. So she found it hard to know how to tell her kids, who were primary school age, and how to move forward in terms of them having contact etc. They settled on supervised contact, but not his family supervising (they didn't believe he had done it). But in the end he just didn't show up and didn't care, and basically abandoned his kids. Probably for the best, but you try explaining it to a 7 year old. Where is Daddy and why doesn't daddy want to see me?

I watched it and I think if his daughters had children of their own they wouldn't be so forgiving towards him

A relative of mine left her husband of 30+ years for a paedophile. None us were aware he was a paedophile to begin with, we were informed (thankfully) by a neighbour who had seen her and him together and knew of his past. Of course to begin with, we thought it could be hearsay so my Mother contacted the police who were obligated to inform her he had indeed been convicted of molesting two under ten’s a few years prior. I remember them visiting our home one evening to go through it with her, I was about eight or nine.

My DM told the rest of the family including this relation and reaction was split. The relative refused to leave him (and I believe they are still together some twenty years later), some relatives didn’t believe my DM and haven’t spoke to her since and some don’t speak to this relative anymore.

I always found the relatives who didn’t believe my DM and also the relative who stayed with him very, very bizarre. I did meet him before we knew of his past (luckily never left alone with him) and he just sat staring at the ground the whole time. Apparently they are taught in prison to do this around children. It’s grim beyond all measures.

I can’t fathom women who stay with these men. They either have serious MH issues or a personality disorder of kinds to even contemplate it.

1off - what a grim account if your life..

I really hope your life is much richer and safer.

I have worked professionally with complex abuse/trauma in families.

It's worrying he still has access to tiny kids after his admission of raping children. Presumably their parents either don't know/deny /minimise his appalling behaviour.

If you want to dm me, I am more than happy to contact police/social services where these small kids live.

The police and ssd will investigate.

JellyBaby666 I’m glad I could make you smile on a bad day

Literally every bit of trust would be gone. They see a child in the street, what are they thinking? They see their young child relatives what are they thinking? They see their own children, what are they thinking?

I was aware this was airing but didn't watch. I refused because as a guy I was abused by two different people when I was small and again as a young teen. I'm a strong guy and my experiences are not the sum total of who I am. My anger is not directed at my abusers, I see them merely as sick, insidious and pathetic individuals, but curiously my anger manifests itself towards those closest to me for 'allowing' it to happen. It was not the case but this is how it messes with your head and my dreams are often very angry ones. Unfair I know, but there it is. My take on these women who stay with their husbands demonstrates to me how powerful love can be. That is it in essence. It must be devastating but yet they can't just give up their love. If I am wrong in assuming this then they must be complicit with their husbands, this is the only way I can make any sense of why anyone would still want links with such an evil pervert. It beggars belief but these women are at best gullible, at worst condone their spouses behaviour.

*What about the ones that only look at images though? Don't take them or abuse kids directly. That's not power or control, they have no power or control over any one in that situation. And there's a lot more people doing that than you'd like to think believe me.
There's a paedophile near me that did that and got caught. Tens of thousands of images on his computer.

At my work we also caught someone doing the same thing. He was sent to prison too of course. But he was again 'only' viewing images. There's no power there.*

This better be a joke? It's not 'just pictures'. Usually to acquire pictures you need to have other content to share. So not only are they continuing the cycle and allowing more children to be abused for their benefit. But they are also proving that they have absolutely no intention of seeking help or stopping.

I think the wives are often abused too which would explain why they stay. I think someone who sexually abused a child or enjoys watching it has a power problem and they are married to a submissive person who they are also controlling

Yes I agree with this. Why do so many women stay with men who abuse them? Same reasons.

I think we tend to blame the woman in this situation, as we feel like the monster is 'evil' and although responsible, we hope for a good person in this situation to help instead.

I agree with this.

It is somehow more appalling that a 'good' person stands by and does nothing to protect children (often their OWN children).

The abuser is a sick, evil fuck beyond redemption. What is the excuse of the parent that stands by them?

I did an OU course and a guy on it (using a false name) turned out to be a paedophile, he'd been to prison for years, used to be a teacher. He'd been convicted of grooming young teens on the internet, pretending to be their 'boyfriend', etc, and had arranged to meet up with some of them. 16,000+ images and videos found on his PC.

I never spoke to him about it, but I did meet his wife a few times, they'd been together years. They lived opposite a school.....still do, probably.

I got the impression she must be on some drugs or something as she was so incredibly jolly! I cut contact with him when the course ended and go a stream of abusive emails saying I had used him for study support (heh, I got a 1st, he got a 2:1 - think he used me actually) but I just ignored them.

I've just re-Googled him and found he is offering himself as a tutor so I've reported his profile - you'd think the police would keep an eye on that as he'll be on the sex offenders' register for life! I reported his Facebook profiles constantly (I gather convicted paedophiles are not supposed to have access to things like Facebook).

But anyway, I have no idea how his wife could stay married to him.

I would never stay with my husband if he did this. I felt sorry for the adult daughters in this programme although I thought she was quite patronising to her mum at one point. Depression doesn't excuse or cause paedophilia. I don't think I'd forgive my Dad this easily.