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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is bf?

134 replies

hooveringhamabeads · 03/09/2018 22:31

Earlier this evening I had to drop my teenage child at her friend’s place which is an hour’s round trip. Dd2 who is 8 didn’t want to come. My bf, who doesn’t live with us but is staying for a few days as he’s waiting to move into his new place, had gone out for ‘a quick pint’ about 45 mins earlier.

I called him to ask if he was coming back soon as dd2 didn’t want to come with me. He said he was finishing his pint then he’d be back, so I was thinking 10 mins or so. Dd2 is very sensible, and was glued to her iPad, so I wasn’t worried about her being alone for this long (she has been before if I pop to the shop/take the dog down the road etc). I made it clear that the reason I was asking was because dd2 wanted to stay at home, and while she’d be fine for a few minutes I didn’t want to leave her for an hour +. Also discussed dinner arrangements during the phone call, and I said I’d pick up a takeaway on the way back (which would add more time on to the trip).

So I called him as I was nearly home to let him know I was nearly back, and he asked if I could pick him up from the pub on the way back. The phone then cut out, and I was fuming that for the last almost hour and a half dd2 had been on her own.

He got in the car and I was pissed off so had a go at him for saying he would be coming home in a few minutes, then leaving dd2 alone all that time. His excuse was that he had been having an interesting political debate with a friend and one pint had turned into 3 Confused.

A couple of minutes later as we got home and the argument continued, he snapped at me that ‘the kids are YOUR responsibility’. I am very well aware that they are my children, not his, but if I asked someone I love and thought I could trust to look after them, and he said yes, then that temporarily moves the responsibility to him.

Still angry many hours later. IABU?

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 03/09/2018 22:55

I hope you’ve got your hard hat on for leaving he alone... he’s a prick.

Homemadearmy · 03/09/2018 22:55

You are both in the wrong, you should have waited until he got home before leaving.
But he should have come home when he said he was going to. Is he usually reliable?

Original poster
hooveringhamabeads · 03/09/2018 23:00

He is usually yes, which I why I trusted him. When I picked him up he’d completely forgotten he’d said he was going back to mine, and was more defensive than apologetic.

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 03/09/2018 23:00

What exactly did you say to your bf? Shouldn't really be leaving an 8 year old home alone.

Ohyesiam · 03/09/2018 23:01

It’s true, your kids are your responsibility.
You responsibly handed the care over to bf, who chose to opt out without telling you. Hmm man child.

GreenTulips · 03/09/2018 23:03

Why did you pick him up? I'd have left him there!

Stars1979 · 03/09/2018 23:03

Was your daughter ok? She must have wondered what was going on having been left alone for a while or was she fine?

NonaGrey · 03/09/2018 23:03

^he’d completely forgotten he’d said he was going back to mine*,

He forgot he agreed to look after your 8yo and stayed in the pub leaving her home alone?

I’d consider that unforgivable. I’d have asked him to leave.

ProudThrilledHappy · 03/09/2018 23:04

Be glad he doesn’t live with you, this is a sign of how much you can depend on him

Original poster
hooveringhamabeads · 03/09/2018 23:04

I said ‘are you coming back soon as dd2 doesn’t want to come, and she’ll be ok for a few minutes if you’re on my way back but not if you’re going to be ages’. Pretty clear.

As to the debate on whether she should be left alone, there’s threads on here all the time about that kind of thing, and many do leave their dc for a few minutes at that age, depending on how sensible the child is. She is very sensible and we live in a very safe area. I locked the front door and left the back door open, and explained this to her.

OP posts:
LusaCole · 03/09/2018 23:06

Your boyfriend is in the wrong here, but it sounds like a slightly vague arrangement (ie no exact time mentioned) so perhaps he didn't realise you were relying on him. Overall I'd call it a misunderstanding rather than him being a complete loser.

Original poster
hooveringhamabeads · 03/09/2018 23:07

I picked him up so I could tell him what a twat he is, as the phone had cut out.

Yes dd was fine, still exactly where I left her and still glued to the iPad. Not really the point though.

OP posts:
GooseFartingInTheFog · 03/09/2018 23:07

What a pr*ck!

Your children are your responsibility. You tried your best to be responsible by asking another adult whom you trusted to care for your child in your absence. You were let down by him - plain and simple.

For him to bring up the “they’re YOUR children” thing always boils my blood! As if you’re suddenly going to turn round and go “my god you’re right, I apologise”

pumpkinpie01 · 03/09/2018 23:07

Yes I would be mad too , has he looked after her at all before ? How long have you been together ?

Marriedwithchildren5 · 03/09/2018 23:08

You should have checked in to make sure he'd left the pub. You were very u to pick him up. I'd have said I'd be there in 10 and gone home to my dd!

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/09/2018 23:09

Who the fuck leaves an 8 year old alone? Sorry but you are 100% in the wrong. You left your child at home alone in the hope your pissed up boyfriend would leave the pub to look after her. You are 100% unreasonable.

chitofftheshovel · 03/09/2018 23:10

I would have done the same as you tbh and left my 8 year old for what I thought was 10/20 mins. I don't think you were wrong to do that (we know our kids...some 8 year olds can be left, some can't)
But I wouldn't be trusting him again and would possibly be not allowing him to stay with you..."you're housing requirements your responsibility"...
I bet your daughter was fine. Mine would have been.

Original poster
hooveringhamabeads · 03/09/2018 23:10

Been together nearly a year and yes he’s helped me out with her before, picked her up from school etc if I’ve been unable to get there, and taken her on a couple of afternoons out or down to the park.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 03/09/2018 23:11

I'm probably missing the point. But why did you give an 8 year old the option? She should have been told to get in the car IMO.

Putyourdamnshoeson · 03/09/2018 23:12

I'd be furious.

My kids are an extension of me at this age, disrespecting them is disrespecting me.

He agreed.

However, as the mother of a sensible 8yr old DD, I wouldn't have left her, even for 10 minutes. I would've said, tough shit, bring ipad, get in car. Irrelevant, I know, but hopefully what you'll do next time.

IdahoJones · 03/09/2018 23:12

I'd bin him for the 'your responsibility' comment alone because of the tone of it. In fact I did with a bloke once. Not that day, but it was the beginning of the end.

Babymamamama · 03/09/2018 23:14

You should have made your dd come with you. Not leave her at home. And this would be a big red flag for me regarding the boyfriend. I would actually end the relationship over something like that.

CoughLaughFart · 03/09/2018 23:14

If you thought he was only going to be ten minutes, why on earth wouldn’t you wait for him to come back before leaving? It wouldn’t have made much difference to your older daughter if she got to her friend’s house ten minutes later.

Sparklyfee · 03/09/2018 23:14

You left the door unlocked? He should've done as he'd promised on the phone but I'd have waited the 10 minutes until he got back and would definitely have locked the door Confused

Original poster
hooveringhamabeads · 03/09/2018 23:14

And yes the ‘your children’ was what made me really blow my top with him. Basically felt like he’s saying ‘don’t ever depend on me for anything to do with your kids because they’re not my problem’.

As an aside, I’m spending 3 hours tomorrow driving to pick his 22 year old up on her birthday as she doesn’t want to get the train and I really like her and thought it would be a nice thing to do.

OP posts: