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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU or is bf?

134 replies

hooveringhamabeads · 03/09/2018 22:31

Earlier this evening I had to drop my teenage child at her friend’s place which is an hour’s round trip. Dd2 who is 8 didn’t want to come. My bf, who doesn’t live with us but is staying for a few days as he’s waiting to move into his new place, had gone out for ‘a quick pint’ about 45 mins earlier.

I called him to ask if he was coming back soon as dd2 didn’t want to come with me. He said he was finishing his pint then he’d be back, so I was thinking 10 mins or so. Dd2 is very sensible, and was glued to her iPad, so I wasn’t worried about her being alone for this long (she has been before if I pop to the shop/take the dog down the road etc). I made it clear that the reason I was asking was because dd2 wanted to stay at home, and while she’d be fine for a few minutes I didn’t want to leave her for an hour +. Also discussed dinner arrangements during the phone call, and I said I’d pick up a takeaway on the way back (which would add more time on to the trip).

So I called him as I was nearly home to let him know I was nearly back, and he asked if I could pick him up from the pub on the way back. The phone then cut out, and I was fuming that for the last almost hour and a half dd2 had been on her own.

He got in the car and I was pissed off so had a go at him for saying he would be coming home in a few minutes, then leaving dd2 alone all that time. His excuse was that he had been having an interesting political debate with a friend and one pint had turned into 3 Confused.

A couple of minutes later as we got home and the argument continued, he snapped at me that ‘the kids are YOUR responsibility’. I am very well aware that they are my children, not his, but if I asked someone I love and thought I could trust to look after them, and he said yes, then that temporarily moves the responsibility to him.

Still angry many hours later. IABU?

OP posts:
Aus84 · 04/09/2018 05:39

Sorry OP but I think you are in the wrong. You left an 8 year old at home alone without being absolutely certain there was going to be an adult with her. You should have waited for your BF or taken her with you.
At the very least, you should have called after 10 minutes of leaving to make sure he was where he said he was going to be.

Cupoteap · 04/09/2018 05:55

When someone tells you who they are, listen!

Snitzelvoncrumb · 04/09/2018 06:00

At least you know not to trust him in the future. You need to give him an hour's notice and say I hope you are collecting your daughter, as she is your responsibility. Make your point.

TheLionRoars1110 · 04/09/2018 06:33

I think it's time to distance yourself from this man. He's getting a lot out of this relationship. In return he puts your children in danger. Find someone better for your children's sakes.

OliviaStabler · 04/09/2018 07:09

One thing that came out of this situation is that you now know that your bf favours a pint over the safety of your child.

trojanpony · 04/09/2018 07:16

Yanbu

He got in the car
I would have left him to make his own way home Angry

Bewareofdragons is right though.
I would end this relationship. His attitude to alcohol and to your children is bad and won’t be good for you or them in the longterm.

strawberrypenguin · 04/09/2018 07:19

He didn't 'forget' OP he decided he didn't want to.

onanothertrain · 04/09/2018 07:19

You were unreasonable to leave an 8 year old in the house alone without firm arrangements for her to be looked after. Instead you had a vague conversation with your boyfriend, you didn't even clearly say can you go in 10 minutes to my house because DD is alone. She is your responsibility. He doesn't sound very reliable though.

Shoxfordian · 04/09/2018 07:28

He sounds quite immature and selfish
Are you going to leave him over this?

BunsOfAnarchy · 04/09/2018 07:28

I would say both of you are unreasonable here.

You shouldnt have left until he was there.
He should have come home when he said.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 04/09/2018 07:33

I hope you casually retell the saga to his dd.....

daffodillament · 04/09/2018 08:06

Polka It is worse at night as anxieties are likely to be far more heightened in a child left home alone where anything could happen. At 5.30pm left for over an hour ? This is pretty much night time. What's boyfriend got to say for himself this morning ?

mummmy2017 · 04/09/2018 08:19

The police and Social services would place the blame on your head...
You now know he will lie to you. And put your child second to a pint.

ShatnersWig · 04/09/2018 08:26

You were both unreasonable. Let's leave it there.

CoughLaughFart · 04/09/2018 08:30

Yes, no more opinions anyone. ShatnersWig has spoken! The arbitrator of all things AIBU has decided we no longer need to speak. All hail!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/09/2018 08:34

I would be really annoyed with him but in your situation I don't think I would have taken the chance that he might be only 10 mins. The 8 year old would have been told to get in the car, sorry.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 04/09/2018 08:41

I agree there’s fault on both sides. I cringed as soon as I read ‘just finishing his pint’ because it was so obvious where the story was going to go! I think you were a little foolish to hear ‘just finishing my pint’ and assume that he’d be home in 10 minutes. If that’s when he needed to be home then you should have said ‘are you going to be home in 10 minutes then? Because if not I will take DD with me’. The arrangement does sound a bit too vague.

However, staying for 3 pints and then asking you for a lift home is most definitely taking the piss!

ShatnersWig · 04/09/2018 08:42

@CoughLaughFart I didn't mean no one else can comment, for fuck's sake. It's an expression that means "I don't need to elaborate further"

ineedabagformyhippo · 04/09/2018 08:45

He is unreliable and selfish, but it's 100% your fault I'm afraid, you left your child alone potentially for an hour....I think your anger is misplaced

Nikephorus · 04/09/2018 08:47

Back door unlocked in case of emergency, but the back door is impossible to access to anyone other than immediate neighbours, who I know well and trust. And even then they’d have to climb over a fence.
You do realise that burglars, rapists etc. are capable of climbing over multiple fences to break in and that back gardens are a preferred method of access because they're relatively out of sight?! Either teach your child to unlock a door themselves in an emergency or take them with you. Angry

Nikephorus · 04/09/2018 08:47

And I wouldn't have stopped to pick him up.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/09/2018 08:49

God forbid anything would have happened to DD then I think the authorities would put the blame on you OP for leaving her.

saoirse31 · 04/09/2018 08:50

Did you not bother to contact 8 yr old or bf in the intervening time?

Why wouldn't u just take 8 yr old with you?

You already have some doubts about his relationship with alcohol so relying on him when he's already in pub was stupid. Not saying that he wasn't totally in the wrong but seems a very lax arrangement. Also, given your concerns re him and alcohol you're happy for him to mind your daughter after a few drinks?

You wouldn't be winning parent of the year from me tbh...

EdisonLightBulb · 04/09/2018 09:12

I would be seriously annoyed that he considered his beer more important than your child's safety especially since you are putting him up for a few days. He had the opportunity to say why he couldn't help if he couldn't and for you to act accordingly.

He sound a prick, sorry. Don't move in with him whatever.

hooveringhamabeads · 04/09/2018 09:19

Think I slept for about an hour last night as I was so pissed off about what happened.

This morning bf dropped dd to school on his way to work, then called me to apologise again for yesterday, and to say don’t worry about picking his dd up as he’ll do it (originally he had said he didn’t want to as he had to get up crazy early this morning to take someone to the airport). So that’s good as I’m not really in the mood for a long drive today.

He also apologised again for what happened yesterday, both for what he did and what he said. I’m feeling pretty down about it all, I think in vino veritas he made it clear that he doesn’t want to take any responsibility for the kids, which has completely changed things for me. Any thoughts I had of us building a future together have gone.

OP posts:
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