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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is bf?

134 replies

hooveringhamabeads · 03/09/2018 22:31

Earlier this evening I had to drop my teenage child at her friend’s place which is an hour’s round trip. Dd2 who is 8 didn’t want to come. My bf, who doesn’t live with us but is staying for a few days as he’s waiting to move into his new place, had gone out for ‘a quick pint’ about 45 mins earlier.

I called him to ask if he was coming back soon as dd2 didn’t want to come with me. He said he was finishing his pint then he’d be back, so I was thinking 10 mins or so. Dd2 is very sensible, and was glued to her iPad, so I wasn’t worried about her being alone for this long (she has been before if I pop to the shop/take the dog down the road etc). I made it clear that the reason I was asking was because dd2 wanted to stay at home, and while she’d be fine for a few minutes I didn’t want to leave her for an hour +. Also discussed dinner arrangements during the phone call, and I said I’d pick up a takeaway on the way back (which would add more time on to the trip).

So I called him as I was nearly home to let him know I was nearly back, and he asked if I could pick him up from the pub on the way back. The phone then cut out, and I was fuming that for the last almost hour and a half dd2 had been on her own.

He got in the car and I was pissed off so had a go at him for saying he would be coming home in a few minutes, then leaving dd2 alone all that time. His excuse was that he had been having an interesting political debate with a friend and one pint had turned into 3 Confused.

A couple of minutes later as we got home and the argument continued, he snapped at me that ‘the kids are YOUR responsibility’. I am very well aware that they are my children, not his, but if I asked someone I love and thought I could trust to look after them, and he said yes, then that temporarily moves the responsibility to him.

Still angry many hours later. IABU?

OP posts:
Original poster
hooveringhamabeads · 03/09/2018 23:36

BewareofDragons, what you said just rang very true.

OP posts:
Original poster
hooveringhamabeads · 03/09/2018 23:38

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there fruitbrew. Any problems we’ve ever had have happened because of him drinking (I don’t think he’s an alcoholic but I don’t think he has the healthiest relationship with alcohol either).

OP posts:
Feefeetrixabelle · 03/09/2018 23:38

Ten mins for an 8 year old alone is fine. Not kicking your bf out the car and saying your bed for the night is not my responsibility is the only thing you did wrong imho

krustykittens · 03/09/2018 23:39

He's a twat. He agreed to look after a child and just 'forgot'. Fuck that. tell him to sleep in someone else's gaff until his own place is ready to move into and lock the doors behind him. He just treated your child like shit, don't give him another chance to do it again.

daffodillament · 03/09/2018 23:39

You should have just driven straight past the pub then Op !

Original poster
hooveringhamabeads · 03/09/2018 23:41

I really wish I had just left him at the pub, but at the time I was furious and wanted to have it out with him.

OP posts:
LorelaiRoryEmily · 03/09/2018 23:42

You really should have waited for him to get home or insisted your dd went with you, you know that now though. He’s a dick. No way would I collect his daughter because I’d have dumped him by now and I’d have no reason to be nice to her. But that’s just me

cricketmum84 · 03/09/2018 23:46

Yabu to leave your 8 year old alone and he wabu to agree to watch her and not turn up. DO NOT leave the bloody back door unlocked either!!!!!!! This is so so dangerous! If anything leave the key in the back door for her so she can unlock and leave if the worst was to happen!

She is 8. IMO you put her in the god damned car and take her with you.

whereiscaroline · 03/09/2018 23:48

He's a prick, and why didn't you rush home to your daughter once you knew she'd been alone all that time rather than stopping first to pick him up?! Shock

gingerbread88 · 03/09/2018 23:51

I think you're getting a hard time about the leaving your 8 year old, it was only as long as it would take to shower etc so no big deal and she sounds sensible enough. But unfortunately for you, the responsible adult you entrusted to get home quickly and be there to keep an eye on her wasn't as trustworthy as you thought. This would be very off putting for me.
I think it boils down to the fact he put having more to drink and staying in the pub before your daughter or you which is a red flag. I feel he could be the nicest fella but there will always be occasions where he will put the booze before you and that will grind you down.
It's one thing letting you down but he has also let your daughter down and then got in the defensive - man child indeed!
I think you weighed up a situation and had no idea he would be so careless, don't take to heart what some posters have responded with, you sound like a good Mum and a nice person.
We can't all be perfect parents all the time and sometimes our judgements are slightly off. She was fine though.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/09/2018 23:52

Well he's just told you he's untrustworthy, so where can you go from there?

I mean unreliable is one thing but by saying he'd go back, then telling you the kids are your responsibility is a direct contradiction. Ergo, he is untrustworthy - or is happy to tell you he his, rather than admit to a bad mistake.

Really though, dd should have gone with you, or you waited the 10 mins for him to arrive. I can see how, if you thought you could rely on him, you didn't see any problem with going.

Buuut, while clear enough, your message was a bit elastic. You didn't want her left for an hour, so anything between 10 mins and nearly an hour was fair game. That's another pint.

I think you need to sleep on it and talk it through later tomorrow, when you have some distance from the moment.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 03/09/2018 23:56

Nothing wrong with leaving an 8 year home alone for a short while.

Everything wrong with accepting responsibility for an 8 yo then for forgetting or not bothering.

Relationship ending saying ‘Your child, your responsibility’. He accepted the responsibility, he could have said no, he didn’t want to be tied down to coming home. hIS choice. But you don’t agree to look after an 8yo then not do it.

I’d have told him him to pack his stuff and fuck off. He can go and stay at pub mates house.

It’s rather a shame you independently like his DD because it would have been satisfying telling him to go for her. Mind you, ‘I don’t want to get the train I’d rather you put yourself out to come for me in the car’ would have got her the Hmm face, unless there’s a genuine reasons

LittlePaintBox · 03/09/2018 23:59

I don't think 'unreasonable' really covers it for either of you. I think you were probably unrealistic expecting him to leave the pub and get home within 10 minutes of you leaving, and he was inconsiderate and irresponsible to leave a child on her own who he'd agreed to look after. If he doesn't see himself as being a 'responsible adult' towards your kids, then that's not really going to work out in the long term, is it?

LeftRightCentre · 04/09/2018 00:02

What Beware said. Also can't deal with drinkers myself. I'd still pick up his DD, but I'd tell him the morning he needs to go. 'You're right, my children are my responsibility. Housing you isn't. You need to find somewhere else to stay.'

PolkaDoting · 04/09/2018 00:05

Absolutely fine to leave a sensible 8 year old alone!

daffodillament · 04/09/2018 00:10

Polker At night ? with the door unlocked while mum pops out for an hours round trip ? her fella last heard from supping away in the local ? yeah right !

Original poster
hooveringhamabeads · 04/09/2018 00:16

It wasn’t at night, i left at about 5.30pm.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 04/09/2018 00:23

YANBU for leaving your DD, who you clearly know is a sensible kid and not about to drown herself or set the house on fire, for what you thought was a few minutes. YANBU for being annoyed with your bloke for behaving as though he only needs to pay attention to you and DC when it suits him.

PolkaDoting · 04/09/2018 00:28

Why would it be worse at night?

User467 · 04/09/2018 00:32

I'm amazed at how many people think it's ok to leave an 8 yr old alone! It's irrelevant how sensible they are while they're sitting watching their iPad. It's about how they would cope if something happened. Someone came to the door, power cut, fire, adult doesn't turn up when they say they will 😒 Very few 8 yr olds would know how to cope.

BF was a complete twat and him not going home was unforgivable. But you were also very unreasonable thinking it was responsible to leave an 8 yr old for a non essential hour long drive on the word of someone who was still sipping away at the pub.

Skittlesandbeer · 04/09/2018 00:38

A key problem in all this is the alcohol.

It’s not the same as asking him to pick up your 8yo from school, or a sports activity.

He’s in a pub. That’s the definition of ‘somewhat impaired by alcohol’. What’s the point of expecting he will keep track of time, remember all your words, make promises you can count on, do proper supervision, etc?

And what’s the point of having a go at someone who’s had 3 pints? However reasonable your position?

Try again tomorrow.

I will add that although my 8yo is similarly responsible, and capable of staying home alone briefly (if I set it up properly for her, and check in with her about her, etc), I don’t do it. Because my DH would immediately see it as a handy precedent and do it himself. Badly. Within weeks we’d no doubt have him either locking her in (or leaving everything open), forgetting to tell her he’d left and just assuming she’d figured it out and was fine with it, or leaving her without food/wifi/instructions.

I think this has happened with your partner. He sees you leave her, and thinks it’s no big deal. He doesn’t see the care and time limits you put in place when you do it, and he certainly couldn’t replicate those conditions if he did it.

Next time, the 8yo comes with you. For the very simple reason that you don’t currently have trustworthy help to count on.

Jux · 04/09/2018 00:43

You trusted your bf to mind your child for you and he forgot!!!!

That would be the end.

Katedotness1963 · 04/09/2018 01:38

You shouldn't have left her till he got back, or she should have been told to get in the car, at eight she doesn't get a choice.

TheDowagerCuntess · 04/09/2018 02:45

This is deal-breaker stuff.

Nothing happened to your DD - thankfully.

But it totally could've.

This basically comes down to what you - you - consider more important. Your 8YO DD's welfare, or your 'D'P's need for a beer.

I honestly think you're going to choose your DP. These sorts of threads always, always go the same, predictable way. The sun-par man gets given priority over flesh and blood DC.

I would love to be proved wrong.

Monty27 · 04/09/2018 03:06

OP this is your future. Dump him.
Find someone who cares. Like you. Don't rely on other people.
In my experience you look after your DC's by yourself if you have a fuckwit helping you it just doesn't work.