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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is bf?

134 replies

hooveringhamabeads · 03/09/2018 22:31

Earlier this evening I had to drop my teenage child at her friend’s place which is an hour’s round trip. Dd2 who is 8 didn’t want to come. My bf, who doesn’t live with us but is staying for a few days as he’s waiting to move into his new place, had gone out for ‘a quick pint’ about 45 mins earlier.

I called him to ask if he was coming back soon as dd2 didn’t want to come with me. He said he was finishing his pint then he’d be back, so I was thinking 10 mins or so. Dd2 is very sensible, and was glued to her iPad, so I wasn’t worried about her being alone for this long (she has been before if I pop to the shop/take the dog down the road etc). I made it clear that the reason I was asking was because dd2 wanted to stay at home, and while she’d be fine for a few minutes I didn’t want to leave her for an hour +. Also discussed dinner arrangements during the phone call, and I said I’d pick up a takeaway on the way back (which would add more time on to the trip).

So I called him as I was nearly home to let him know I was nearly back, and he asked if I could pick him up from the pub on the way back. The phone then cut out, and I was fuming that for the last almost hour and a half dd2 had been on her own.

He got in the car and I was pissed off so had a go at him for saying he would be coming home in a few minutes, then leaving dd2 alone all that time. His excuse was that he had been having an interesting political debate with a friend and one pint had turned into 3 .

A couple of minutes later as we got home and the argument continued, he snapped at me that ‘the kids are YOUR responsibility’. I am very well aware that they are my children, not his, but if I asked someone I love and thought I could trust to look after them, and he said yes, then that temporarily moves the responsibility to him.

Still angry many hours later. IABU?

OP posts:

diddl · 04/09/2018 09:21

I agree that you shouldn't have left before he got back, but when he didn't turn up pretty quickly, I'm surprised that you didn't just tell the 8yr old to get in the car.

TheBeatGoesOnandOn · 04/09/2018 09:31

I was left alone for about an hour at that age a fair few times when my parents did grocery shopping as I hated it.

But I'd already eaten, had the front door locked but knew where the key was to open and if anything went wrong I could go to next doors - she was a lovely lady who had grown up DCs and loved me coming to visit

But I'd say I'd have waited for him to arrive, just so I definitely knew he would turn up as drinking can make people pretty flaky.

However, as a grown man he should be able to either say 'no I can't sorry, Bill and I are catching up not seen him for years' or 'Of course I'll just finish this pint' and mean it.

The fact he didn't says he doesn't really value his word and probably deep down doesn't want to deal with the young child years but didn't directly say this to you.

Honestly I think neither of you were horrible but you have different priorities and that makes a bad relationship really.

Glad DD was OK.

TheBeatGoesOnandOn · 04/09/2018 09:34

Sorry didn't read update.

I thought so. I think as his kids are older he wants to just have time for himself which is okay, if you know.

But makes a relationship not very workable when you have young DDs.

chasinggarlic · 04/09/2018 09:36

I think in vino veritas he made it clear that he doesn’t want to take any responsibility for the kids, which has completely changed things for me.

It's a shame you have managed to skirt over the shocking lack of responsibility you displayed towards your 8yo yourself yesterday.

Rather than worrying about your relationship with this man, I really think you should be thinking about your relationships with your DC.

RestingBitchFaced · 04/09/2018 09:42

HE is U! Yes the kids are your responsibility, but he said he would be there! I would be furious

onanothertrain · 04/09/2018 11:45

chasinggarlic completely agree

Jux · 04/09/2018 16:10

I'm so sorry, hoovering, but I think you're right. Hard to build a long term future with someone who has said what he said.

TheBeatGoesOnandOn · 04/09/2018 19:59

@chasinggarlic I don't see how one snippet can tell you what OP is like as a mother but I don't think she's committed a cardinal sin. It's not like she went out boozing during the night.

I hope you haven't got vertigo on that high horse.

chasinggarlic · 04/09/2018 20:47

I don't see how one snippet can tell you what OP is like as a mother but I don't think she's committed a cardinal sin.

It's a pretty massive 'snippet', leaving an 8yo alone rather than waiting for the babysitter though isn't it.

I wasn't suggesting I know what she is like as a mother, so much as, perhaps that one incident was a really bad decision.

I hope you haven't got vertigo on that high horse.

Bless, you managed to pop a wee dig as well. How mature.

LonelyandLost80 · 04/09/2018 23:39

You are in the wrong for leaving your eight year old home alone making the point of BF coming home when he said he would mute.

You should of either told DD she would have to come with you or wait for BF to come home (and chase him when he didn’t).

There was no reason whatsoever to leave an 8 year old home alone.

Twombly · 05/09/2018 00:28

I think leaving a sensible 8yo alone at 5.30 in the afternoon for what is expected to be 10 minutes before a trusted adult arrives is completely normal and acceptable parenting. Not sure what the vitriol towards OP is about at all. The only thing that's unacceptable is his failure to arrive.

OP, perhaps next time he calls you for a lift you should tell him you'll be there in 10 minutes...and then leave him to it.

Beeziekn33ze · 05/09/2018 00:36

Hoovering - So bf said all the right things in the morning. The big BUT is that you now know you can't trust him.
I'm not going to say LTB because you're alreading making your own decision. As you say, in vino veritas, maybe a lucky escape,

LotsToThinkOf · 05/09/2018 00:50

Being out in the pub took priority over getting home to your 8yo when he'd agreed to be back.

Any man putting anything above the welfare of my child wouldn't be given a second chance. And especially not after voicing that they were not his responsibility.

This isn't a man you should be building a life with, he doesn't actually care about your children. Of course he's apologising now, otherwise his mealticket would show him the door. Why did you give him a lift home? Why are you listening to his excuses?

Cloglover · 05/09/2018 01:17

I think you have been just as irresponsible as him. If someone was walking back from the pub en route I might consider leaving my 8 year old. I would expect them to ring me as soon as they got there as I wouldn't be able to rest. I would worry that something might happen on their way home. However this would be doubtful if the back door didn't lock! I can't believe you didn't check for an hour and a half tho. May be you should examine your own behaviour as well. Although he was utterly irresponsible the buck stops with you.

CoughLaughFart · 05/09/2018 08:54

I think leaving a sensible 8yo alone at 5.30 in the afternoon for what is expected to be 10 minutes before a trusted adult arrives is completely normal and acceptable parenting.

Bully for you. It’s pretty clear several others disagree with you. The key word here is ‘expected’. Why couldn’t the OP simply wait ten minutes to be sure (a question she has studiously avoided answering)? She wasn’t going on a life or death dash - she was just giving her older daughter a lift somewhere. I think most parents would rather risk a teenager being ten minutes late than an 8 year-old being left alone.

That said, I agree with those who say there is little future in the relationship. He obviously sees himself as dating a woman who happens to have kids, rather than potentially being part of a family. Unless the OP is willing to keep him in the background for the next ten years, that can’t last.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 05/09/2018 09:08

I'd be fuming.

Yes she is your responsibility. Which is why you'd asked him to babysit! If a paid babysitter had come up with those excuses would you let them get away with it?

I think people make mistakes and maybe he did genuinely lose track of time or misinerpret what was said. But it's how people deal with those mistakes that count. Not apologising and trying to turn it back on you would make me seriously reconsider this relationship. If he puts beer and political debate in front of a rare request to stay in the house with your daughter for an hour after a year, where is the relationship going?

Bluntness100 · 05/09/2018 09:15

I also think it was very wrong of you to leave before he returned. She's only eight and anything could have happened to him or her in those few mins.

However he should have met his promise and returned. For me you're both being unreasonable.

TheViceOfReason · 05/09/2018 09:15

I would suspect that given he (at a guess) is in his 40's with a 22 year old daughter, he is finally enjoying the freedom of not having parental responsibility - so whilst an after school pick up etc may well suit him - and him enjoy spending time with your kids - he doesn't want it to impact his ability to please himself.

It's a serious conversation you need to have with him - either he wants to take on a "parent" role or he doesn't - and if he doesn't, then i don't see how your relationship could work long term.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 05/09/2018 09:34

If he's reliable and said he'd be back in 10 minutes then I don't think you're being unreasonable to have left her alone. Even if he said 10 minutes and came back double that time, it's still reasonable. You know your daughter and if she is OK to be left or not without getting into trouble at 8. 10 minutes is no different to if you were in the shower or something and leaving her unsupervised

Goth237 · 05/09/2018 09:35

It doesn't matter how long you leave DD2, OP, it is illegal to leave an 8 year old alone at home. Anything can happen and seconds is all it takes. Your bf is a bit of a dick and should have stuck to what he was saying, but it's an irrelevant point because she shouldn't be being left at home anyway.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/09/2018 09:44

it is illegal to leave an 8 year old alone at home
It's not you know!?
It could be a safeguarding issue but it is not against the law!

AlevelConfusion · 05/09/2018 09:47

You left an 8 year old at home alone without being absolutely certain there was going to be an adult with her.
The OP TRUSTED someone to be there in 10 minutes. He let her down, and her dd.
That would be the end of it for me. You should be able to rely on your partner 100% especially in regard to your dc.
Get rid OP

TwoOddSocks · 05/09/2018 09:50

I do think you need to have a proper discussion with him. You and your kids are a package deal. You need to establish whether this was a one off and his reaction was defensive or whether he's just making effort now because he realises he's in danger of losing you.

Bluntness100 · 05/09/2018 09:53

The OP TRUSTED someone to be there in 10 minutes

He might have let her down, but she let her child down. Which is worse? As a parent you hand over responsibility of your child to another adult. That means you stay there till they arrive. You don't fuck off out of it and leave them alone.

If something had happened to that child it would be on her. Not him. Because she's the parent and she fucked off out of it before ensuring a responsible adult was with her.

chasinggarlic · 05/09/2018 10:21

The OP TRUSTED someone to be there in 10 minutes. He let her down, and her dd.

No. The OP let herself and more importantly, her DD down in this situation.

The BF is secondary to that.

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