AIBU to ask new husband to contribute to child related costs for children that are not his?

[Clockworkteacup]

Just that really. Married last year. Four children now aged 8, 9, 11, 13 from first marriage. Ex husband pays too little maintenance - £100 per month as is self employed.

For context, we both earn good money, although he earns very good money at 50% more than me. I was able to support the children without him before with no tax credits etc but it was a struggle as was paying out a lot of childcare and big mortgage. But I was fortunate to be able to own our own home, pay the bills etc, even though not much left over. This isn't about being 'poor' and I recognise how lucky I am to be able to rely just on my own income.

AIBU to expect him to pay any of the child related costs? What do you think is a fair way to split the bills?

At the moment I am paying for half of what 'we' cost and all of what the children cost. So I pay around two thirds of our house related outgoings e.g. mortgage etc as need a house for five. I also then pay for all childcare (at £800 a month), all their clothes uniform, their lunches, trips, birthday presents and so on. He does split big costs like holidays and meals out 50-50.

This means I am ending up watching the pennies at the end of the month whilst he has around £2500 more than me after house stuff is paid. He drives a new car whilst I drive one that is 12 years old. I was triggered to write this by him complaining about not being able to afford something very expensive (and nice but certainly not a necessary cost) whilst I am worrying this month about the bills.

But they are not his children.

And their father evades paying much for them.

And we both saved about a similar amount by him moving in, in terms of housing costs (mortgage, utilities, council tax).

Backstory - I have major money issues through paying for everything for cocklodger ex husband and have a father who didn't work, and a brother who seems to live off high earning women so am skewed (and anxious) around men and money.

" quite honestly is lucky to have found a partner that is willing to take on so many full time residential step kids. "

but from what she is saying, he hasn't 'taken them on' at all, has he? In fact it sounds like a pretty cushy set up for him, if he has over 2 grand a month spare. While his wife pays for everything.

He should pay mortgage and bills in line with his salary, so he he earns 50% more than you, he should pay 50% more than you. Yes, you need a bigger house for your kids but surely he's still entitled to half of it?

I'm torn about childcare costs really. My mind is going back to the thread where OP asked if she should be providing free childcare for her step daughter and everyone said absolutely not. I know there was more to that in terms of her career but surprised at the responses being polar opposite.

But if he paid his fair share of the mortgage etc then that would free you up more to pay for child care anyway?

I can't imagine loving someone and being married to someone and letting them struggle while I have thousands spare each month. Seems wrong.

I haven't purposely read any replies to this ,because my instincts are ...he married all of you,you are now a family,he didn't just marry you..all monies should be split equally,they are now his step children.he is supposed to love ,care ,and provide for them....I would not of married for less than that...in fact I'm very suprised you did marry him without ironing out this issues first...he is being unfair ...very very unfair...and honestly ...is it worth it? Is it worth being married to him? He either loves your kids and provides ...or ????well I know what my or would be ..my kids come first,any man of mine puts them first also,or he's no man of mine xx

He's your husband - ask him how he feels about it. Ask him if he has ever had thoughts about how the bills are split and what he sees happening in the future. It sounds like he does already contribute to the children in some ways - definitely more than their biological father. He might be hurt you don't feel what he is doing is enough - he might not have ever thought about things and might be happy to change things around. Start off by saying this is not something we have talked about and maybe we should have but what are your thoughts on our shared finances/bills when it comes to the kids.

I’m on the fence. My first instinct was to say YABU because you chose to have the children and so why should he support them? But then I thought about my brother, who married a women with two DDs whose fuckwit fathers each paid little maintainance, and DB treated them exactly the same as the DD he had with his wife. In fact, she gave up work once she had DNiece, which means he paid for everything - mortgage, bills, food, clothes, whatever. But then he was a prince among men.

DH prob wouldn't get half from a short marriage with DC from another rel who are still young enough to need housing. He's made no contribution to the marriage either, another factor that judges take into account for settlements.

But be careful OP - I know two divorced mothers whose DH2s ended the marriage the minute the wife's kids moved out. Both women lost the homes they owned.

As the houses were no longer required to house the kids at univ, they counted in court as marital assets and the DHs demanded, and got 50 per cent, of the mother and children's home. Nether man had paid a penny on the mortgage.

The plan to sell the house to provide a deposit for the children didn't happen - the stepfather waltzed off with several hundred k while the DCs were left renting for life and the women stuck in little flats.

@PaulDacre I would agree that in many cases, they weren't actually married, but I've still seen several where they were. But with the number of people not marrying now, it's almost a moot point.

I do realise that you've sort of explained the foray into marriage without a considered discussion of who is responsible for your children, but it is a terribly unsatisfying answer.

In general, I don't think it makes a lot of sense for married people to have different standards of living; in an ideal setup, the father of the children would close half the shortfall and hopefully everything else would come out in the wash.

What is the approximate market value rent on your house?

Do you two plan on having more children together?

Where in the 'wedding contract' does it say you have to immediately take financial responsibility for other peoples children? You marry the adult not the children. Their actual father is still alive and still has responsibility.

that is hardly the point is it FanGirl?

Why would you marry someone with children and then live in their house and not help provide for the children? What kind of a person would think that reasonable?

So their 'actual father' is still alive - doesn't mean he is going to provide for them does it? You cant get blood out of a stone.

I can only think that this 'man' has an eye on the long game, as LanaorAna suggested.

How is your plan for the house detailed? Did you make an agreement before you married or is it in your will?

Does the house go to your children with him having a lifetime interest (and is it specified in that who pays for the house upkeep?) or does the house go to him with his agreement that he will leave it to your children?

There are many good points here, but the clincher for me is, by marriage and by dint of your will he:

(a) is entitled to 50% of your house, for which you have paid and he has not contributed, if you divorce or;

(b) is entitled to a family-sized home for life, and a cash lump sum on you death.

All for the miserly sum of £500 month for lodging, food and bills, while he is presumably able to save or spend £30,000 on himself per annum. And while you have no savings and no discretionary spend.

In that context, I’m afraid he sounds like a breed of cocklodger, even if you have helped to make him one by being entirely over generous.

Hi OP,

I am an ex-financial advisor and would recommend as others have said you need to seek legal advice!

I had a similar case where they were buying a new property together. I recommended that the house was legally set up as 'tenants in common' rather than the standard 'joint tenancy'. This means that on her death, her share is immediately going to her two children.

I would recommend you get legal and financial advice (IFA -Independent Financial Advisor), as soon as possible.

Good luck

Children are 100% your responsibility

Other expenses should be split in proportion to your incomes, not 50-50

My dh pays for everything for my children, his step children. We came as a family unit and he accepted that as a fact.
He's also picking up the tab for her uni costs starting this month. He doesn't do or have fancy stuff and leave us with nothing. That [in my mind] is how a step family should work.

£500 a month for lodging food and bills! what a bargain for him!!

Look if a woman married a single father and lived in the house on the cheap doing nothing for the children, what would people call her?

If you don't want to pay for somebody else's kids, that's entirely your choice. However, the proviso of that decision is that you don't ever marry somebody who already has kids.

How do you work out who's used more electricity and heating, whose possessions take up what square footage of the house?

And I don't know your personal circumstances, but what would happen if you had another child together? Would that child get much nicer birthday and Christmas presents than their half-siblings because Daddy contributes from his spare £2.5K for those whereas Mummy doesn't have much spare money for presents for the others? What if Dad decided he wanted his own child to go to private school whilst the other children in the family would never have that as an option?

It isn't the kids' fault that their DF doesn't support them properly financially. Your DH knew that he was marrying somebody with children and that they would therefore become part of his family. In any normal family set-up, the parents are responsible for the financial support of (non-adult) children who live there. Your kids aren't an expensive, time-consuming hobby that you can discontinue now you're married - they're your precious family; the family that he knowingly chose to marry into.

Personally, I don't see how a blended household can ever have a hope of working unless you can all accept from the outset that you are now a family and you need to live as a family does. If you marry somebody with kids, you have to treat them as you would your own kids. I would say that if a man doesn't love a woman enough to want to act as a father (albeit obviously an additional one, if their biological dad is still involved) to her kids, then he should just move on and find somebody else who doesn't have kids (or at least wait until they're all grown up and have left home before getting with their DM) - and I'm amazed at any woman with children who would marry a man who didn't fully feel this way.

OP, in an earlier post you say that he doesn't have children.

Actually he does now. When he married you, your children became his step-children.

If it was the other way round and you had married someone with four children, would you pool your joint incomes and share the household costs, including their upbringing?

@Walkingdeadfangirl when you marry you create a family unit. The adults in the family both have financial responsibility to the family unit. This family unit happens to include children. Not everyone would be willing to take on that responsibility, but if you choose to marry someone with children then they are part + parcel of the person you marry.

The biological dad being dead, alive, involved, not involved, paying maintenance or not is irrelevant. Children are a privilege, not a burden. If you see them as the latter, then just don't get involved with someone who has them. Simple.

To answer a few points

Yes I was very much struggling a few years back so when I say I'm watching pennies I mean life is now comfortable.

No real equity in house

Will - sorry, yes half house legally his through marriage. My half will go to kids. His half is his - he could sell and give half to kids. I would change mortgage but no real point as we're married so it's half his.

He has no close family left. So no one to leave it to. Of course on my death he could change his will.

Someone (sorry forgot poster name scrolling through) has hit it on head for me. Would he care for me if I couldn't work. No I don't think he would. And yes I'm going to have to ask him this and find out the answer I may not want to hear I know.

And yes. If it were reversed I'd pay

Now I have read the full thread....I'm stunned ,op what where you thinking ? Why ...WHY did you marry him?.. you have just handed him half your house on a plate ,if he decides to divorce you....this thread makes me feel sick for how the op is being used..please get some legal advice asap.he could take half of everything in a divorce ,meanwhile he's frittering his money away while you scrimp and save

so basically you have given him half a house and he does nothing but give you £500 a month for 'lodgings bills and food'?
Smart guy.

Clock I fell ill and no longer work, my dh accepts this and provides for myself and his step children, this is vital info to find out.