AIBU to ask new husband to contribute to child related costs for children that are not his?

[Clockworkteacup]

Just that really. Married last year. Four children now aged 8, 9, 11, 13 from first marriage. Ex husband pays too little maintenance - £100 per month as is self employed.

For context, we both earn good money, although he earns very good money at 50% more than me. I was able to support the children without him before with no tax credits etc but it was a struggle as was paying out a lot of childcare and big mortgage. But I was fortunate to be able to own our own home, pay the bills etc, even though not much left over. This isn't about being 'poor' and I recognise how lucky I am to be able to rely just on my own income.

AIBU to expect him to pay any of the child related costs? What do you think is a fair way to split the bills?

At the moment I am paying for half of what 'we' cost and all of what the children cost. So I pay around two thirds of our house related outgoings e.g. mortgage etc as need a house for five. I also then pay for all childcare (at £800 a month), all their clothes uniform, their lunches, trips, birthday presents and so on. He does split big costs like holidays and meals out 50-50.

This means I am ending up watching the pennies at the end of the month whilst he has around £2500 more than me after house stuff is paid. He drives a new car whilst I drive one that is 12 years old. I was triggered to write this by him complaining about not being able to afford something very expensive (and nice but certainly not a necessary cost) whilst I am worrying this month about the bills.

But they are not his children.

And their father evades paying much for them.

And we both saved about a similar amount by him moving in, in terms of housing costs (mortgage, utilities, council tax).

Backstory - I have major money issues through paying for everything for cocklodger ex husband and have a father who didn't work, and a brother who seems to live off high earning women so am skewed (and anxious) around men and money.

Likewise I'm sure my lovely SDad paid far more towards my upbringing than my Dad

AIBU to expect him to pay any of the child related costs? What do you think is a fair way to split the bills

You got MARRIED without agreeing all this first? Are you out of your mind?

I'm actually gobsmacked.

Of course he should pay. You’re married. A friend of mine had a child by someone else when she married and her husband has paid for everything for the son.

Other people’s children can be slightly less fun than a holiday home, and a damn sight more expensive

Not got any experience of being in a family with step kids either growing up or now with my kids, so no bias either way.

I think that you are a family, you come as a package, you live under one roof, together. And that it is not right that he is rolling in dosh while you are struggling.
He knew you had 4 kids when he married you.

I mean having read the previous posts maybe not 50/50 but it's not right that you pay everything.

We are all joint and share it all so it's alien to me that in a partnership one would be much better off than the other.

You are free to live your life as you see fit, but in my view I do not see what a marriage is for if it is not for pooling resources for a life together.

A marriage where one spouse has no money spare and one has £2500 every month is a very unfair one. Why would he move into a family home, saving himself money, and watch his wife struggling?

Surely, this should have been discussed long ago before getting married? You need to talk to your DH. It's between you both to decide. It would be nice if he helped out but your ExH has the responsibility to finance his own DC imo.

When he married you he took on responsibility for your kids to a certain extent. I think it's really unreasonable that he has so much more disposable income than you because they aren't his kids. I don't understand how a marriage can work like that, with one person having loads of spare money and the other scrimping and saving. I think he is unreasonable to watch you struggle with money while he's got loads. You are married, you should be in it together.

I'm the primary earner in our house. We are not married yet but will be next year. I pay all of the rent and half the bills.
But I still expected to pay towards his two children's expenses e.g. new clothes, presents, treats etc.
I just thought it was part and parcel of the step family set up. Step parent pays in all the money and has no say in how the kids are raised? Something like that. Lol am going to find this thread so interesting. My dp ex pays 30 a month for her children. We have them full time. That money is sporadic so I definitely pick up her short fall.

I covered all costs for DSD 50/50 with DH. It seems petty to separate out costs for 'your child' and after all, we are a team. It infuriated me no end, though, that DH's ex wife paid basically nothing. Do you have any way of pursuing maintenance from your ex? (I know it's sometimes pointless if they're self employed or not working).

Hmm, it's difficult. I'm inclined to think that family costs (e.g. mortgage, utilities and other bills, holidays, meals out etc) should be split 50:50, but you should cover the direct costs relating only to your children (e.g. childcare, school uniform, school trips, pocket money etc). This is assuming you have generally separate finances.

This really is a conversation you should have had before getting married.

I think you should discuss it with him, I don't think it's unreasonable for him to contribute towards some things with the kids.

Yes they aren't his, but he chose to marry someone with 4 kids and it doesn't sound like life has changed for him.

At the very least what someone else suggested about splitting joint bills based on income rather than 50/50.

On the face of it, asking him to help with DC related activities does not seem fair. But splitting bills in any way other than 50/50 seems odd. How is the house owned? What deposit did you each put in? If you, on balance, are paying more than 50% for the house (deposit, ongoing mortgage, insurance and maintenance), I sincerely hope you do not have a 50:50 share of the house as it doesn’t recognise all the extra you’re putting in.

However all this could be beside the point now - you’re married and it may be that the house is always going to be shared 50/50 in case of a split unless you made specific arrangements to ensure you had a higher share. If it is 50/50, then you should contribute no more than 50%.

How on earth did two intelligent adults get married without discussing this?

Having raised and paid for my own child, I wouldn't want to marry someone who had children that were young enough to live with us.

That makes me sound mean but it is just the way I feel.

If you pay more of the mortgage, do you also own a larger % of the house than DH? If not, then it seems fair that mortgage payments should be split in proportion to who owns what.

Child-only costs e.g. childcare I think it’s fair that you pay rather than your DH.

Words fail me!

Your husband should definitely be contributing towards the children. If he had other children from a previous marriage, then the fact he was living with your children would be taken into account for Child Maintenance reasons, since there is an assumption that he has financial responsibility towards his step-children. Further, if, hypothetically, you'd been receiving tax credits etc before you married him, his income would be taken into account to determine your eligibility after you'd married him, and reduced accordingly.

So, yes, in a nutshell, it seems hugely unfair that he is quids in via this arrangement, whilst you have no money left.

I split up with my ex partner for exactly this reason.

I'm astounded that you got married without discussing this though!

@HerondaleDucks - when my now DW first came to live with me and my DD we had to have a talk about her having a say in how DD was brought up. I don't see how we could all have lived together if she wasn't seen by my DD as a parent who could tell her what to do.

Obviously it's easier that my DW and I have rarely disagreed.

But he knew you came as a family when he met you? Someone said above that you’re being unreasonable as they’re not his? Not his biologically perhaps but he certainly lives in THEIR home and is married to THEIR mum. He is their step-dad. Of course he should be contributing OP! He’s saved so much money by moving in with you, you know this hence why you’re feeling so insecure about it.

He’s only paying for himself whilst his wife is struggling? It’s not fair at all. You need to have this conversation with him.

Did you make the assumption that marrying him would give you access to his money?

He should pay his way in the home, make a fair contribution to bills etc.

But no, he shouldn't be paying for your kids.

What the hell, he earns 50% more than you, yet you pay 2/3 of all household expenses? Plus all the children's costs (yes I know their father should be contributing to that really - £100 a month is utterly pathetic). Does DH know what you earn? And he's happy to see you struggle? He sounds selfish as fuck. You need to have a big conversation about this.

Rather than pay the same into the bills account why don't you pay the same percentage of salary, it's fair then, he'll pay more in giving you more cash left to pay for the children