AIBU to ask new husband to contribute to child related costs for children that are not his?

[Clockworkteacup]

Just that really. Married last year. Four children now aged 8, 9, 11, 13 from first marriage. Ex husband pays too little maintenance - £100 per month as is self employed.

For context, we both earn good money, although he earns very good money at 50% more than me. I was able to support the children without him before with no tax credits etc but it was a struggle as was paying out a lot of childcare and big mortgage. But I was fortunate to be able to own our own home, pay the bills etc, even though not much left over. This isn't about being 'poor' and I recognise how lucky I am to be able to rely just on my own income.

AIBU to expect him to pay any of the child related costs? What do you think is a fair way to split the bills?

At the moment I am paying for half of what 'we' cost and all of what the children cost. So I pay around two thirds of our house related outgoings e.g. mortgage etc as need a house for five. I also then pay for all childcare (at £800 a month), all their clothes uniform, their lunches, trips, birthday presents and so on. He does split big costs like holidays and meals out 50-50.

This means I am ending up watching the pennies at the end of the month whilst he has around £2500 more than me after house stuff is paid. He drives a new car whilst I drive one that is 12 years old. I was triggered to write this by him complaining about not being able to afford something very expensive (and nice but certainly not a necessary cost) whilst I am worrying this month about the bills.

But they are not his children.

And their father evades paying much for them.

And we both saved about a similar amount by him moving in, in terms of housing costs (mortgage, utilities, council tax).

Backstory - I have major money issues through paying for everything for cocklodger ex husband and have a father who didn't work, and a brother who seems to live off high earning women so am skewed (and anxious) around men and money.

Op

This is simple. Just ask for an extra few hundred pound extra per month.

Your financial balance feels very uncomfortable. I can empathise with how it began, and how the imbalance can begin to creep in to your awareness...

I met my boyfriend while living with my parents after my divorce. My boyfriend had also been through a divorce and was feeling quite financially tender. I was also paying off a lot of debt (living with my parents to speed that up).

We bought a house and moved in together. My salary was 1/3 of his, and he also had investments beyond that. I still was totally happy to throw myself into the "partnership" 50:50. I earn a bit more now, but so does he (my take home is probably now between 1/2 and 2/3rds of his).

HOWEVER. He has 3 DCs. I love them, and was (still am) totally up for the whole package. I've always paid 50% towards them while they're at our house. Holidays, presents, Christmas, clothing, food, activities. They're here EOWend, a week night, almost half of school hols, various ad hoc cover if needed etc etc. I did all of this willingly for years.

Recently, my DF discovered the 50% set up and his jaw nearly hit the floor. He wasn't angry (he loves my DP), but totally shocked that I'm paying for children that are not mine. And I'm beginning to question it now.

OP, you mentioned a conversation over a big purchase - you could be describing a scenario going on in our house! There's a thing I've wanted for a long time. I can't really afford it (and when I'd dream of it out loud, my DP would point out we don't have space). And now HE is looking at buying a very similar thing!! Only a MORE EXPENSIVE version! Meanwhile, I'm saving up because he'd like to take the DCs on quite a big holiday next year, and no doubt my 50% is expected.

I'm going to have to say something very shortly. I've been avoiding it, as I don't feel we're on very "solid ground" at the moment anyway (but that's another thread...). But will soon bring it up under the specific subject of the holiday. So I'm actually trying to move closer to the position your DH is in...

Also, does he seriously only give £500 per month!? What does he DO with the rest of his money!?!

Some of the answers on this thread make me appreciate my dh is a grown up. I have three dc he has none. We split everything down the middle I may pay a little more but I am a little but not much better off than he is. We discussed all this before he moved in and he was very clear that if he moved in we were a family and as such the children were as much his responsibility as mine as any kind of him and us situation was just a disaster waiting to happen.
He sees himself as equally responsible for financially and emotionally supporting them as me.

In a marriage it imreallymisnt fair ignorance one party is better off every month to the tune of a couple of thousand pounds than the other. Dh would never buy something extravagant while I was scrimping tonget by. I couldn’t live with someone like that.

I can’t believe he doesn’t pay a fair share of the mortgage ie a % equivalent to his earnings vs yours or 50%. He lives in the house - it isn’t a bloody house share.

He married you and became a step dad. So as step dad I’d expect him to contribute toward the upbringing of his step children - that includes financially and emotionally!!!

why the fuck did you make it so he gets the house when you die instead of your kids

And why will he get a lump sum?

I agree with a pp. We pay for all five of our children despite the fact that only one is biologically both of ours!

why the fuck did you make it so he gets the house when you die instead of your kids

I thought he could stay in the house but it belongs to the kids?

It sounds like the beginning of a murder plot 🙈🙈

If it was me Id prob expect to pay for childcare myself but there should certainly be a 50/50 split on mortgage if in both your names. And as a good step dad would also expect to buy presents like clothes and toys ect

why the fuck did you make it so he gets the house when you die instead of your kids

She didn't. Please read the OP's postings again.

Marriage means different things to different people. Not everyone gets married due to feelings of overwhelming love. It's allowed, you know, and that seems to be the case here.

All these comments, he should pay this or that. Bunkum! You should have explored what he would contribute to the marriage BEFORE the marriage, especially as you have four children you have a duty to provide for, OP. He would also have had the opportunity to find out whether he was willing to 'pay the price'. Now the resentment is brewing.

As for comments that joining OP's family is a privilege. Ha ha ha! If it was such a privilege she should have set the joining fee accordingly.

I'm still trying to get my head round the house and will thing.

To my knowledge, now you're married he's entitled to a share of your house if you split up (depending on how long you stay together). So your will is kind of pointless.

If you die, he automatically inherits as your husband.

If I were you, I'd take legal advice and change the will to make sure your half went to the children and not him if you die.

Then, since he has a claim on your house because you're married, make him start paying half. Otherwise he's just taking the piss.

If he pays OP £500 a month and has £2500 left, he's earning around £45k, he's living in a dream world of he thinks all he needs to contribute to the household is £500 I'm on a similar salary and I'd be loaded if I only paid out £500 a month. He doesn't have to contribute directly to the children if that's what you agree but he needs to contribute more to the mortgage and household finances, especially as he's entitled to live in your house even if you die!! If he gave you £1000 he'd still have £2k a month to play with, you'd be able to put less in and would have more money for the children

Your DC will notice DH is their mother's H, not their stepfather or a father figures. In time (sooner than you think), they won't like him that much. Don't blame them.

I really don't understand people who marry someone, with all the commitment and responsibilities that entails, and then treat them like a glorified housemate.

One partner struggling and the other buying new cars and goodness knows what else? That's not a marriage.

As for the dc, he's their stepfather, he is living in their home, they are part of his family. Sorry, but he sounds infernally tight. And exploitative.

Of course he should be splitting the costs,your married so your all one family!

MY DH is Dad to all 5 of our DC but biologically only our youngest DD is his yet he's always split the costs of everything with me when it comes to the DC even before we got married,as soon as our relationship became serious for us it was just natural.

Say you decided to sell the house, you keep the equity because it is yours. Then you buy a house between you, what would he say??

Yes with marriage he is entitled to half the house so thats why I haven't bothered remortgaging.

I’m confused OP. Will he get half the house if you were to die/if you got divorced?

If so, then he should pay half mortgage/half loan if it related to home improvements etc. Otherwise he’ll be getting half a house for free!

I thought earlier you’d said that if you die he could live in the house until he dies or sell it and give all the proceeds to your children, but wouldn’t get any money from the house?

If this is the case then I could see why he wouldn't want to pay half of mortgage/loan.

But if he can stay in the house until he dies - a house that he is contributing nothing at all to - how is that fair on the children? He might live to be 100. He might live decades longer than the OP.

Honestly, OP, you are sharing everything you have with this man. He is giving you £500.

My son is living in East London and pays £550 for a room in a house. He pays bills on top of that. His room is about 12' x 12'.

Think about things - think about why you feel the need to pay for everything and to protect this man when he doesn't feel the same in return.

Taking the kids out of it for a moment, so just looking at general household costs, I would split based on % of your salary. If you want to add in a bit more as the extra bedrooms/utilities are needed for your kids fine, but based on what you’ve said I still can’t see that you should be paying more than 50% of the mortgage. You may not need a 5 bed house without the kids, but would you really be living in a 1 bed flat? Probably not, so don’t over compensate!

My DH has kids from his previous marriage. Our bills/mortgage comes out of the joint account, we put in to the account based on proportion of salary as he earns more than me. He pays out for maintenance, and ongoing expenses for his kids from his own account. I prob pay a bit more for stuff for our joint DC. We haven’t worked it out down to the penny, but have about the same left over each month as personal spending.

I think the main thing is that you shouldn’t still be struggling to get to the end of the month, whilst he’s sat there with £££ in his account. It doesn’t feel much like a partnership to me.

TheVeryThing Mon 03-Sep-18 14:09:23
Why did you feel the need to provide financial security for a man with no children who is a high earner?

This^.

Was getting married and the house going to him until his death, and the lump sum from the life insurance his idea?

I can see now why my friend makes her partner use a rent book (debt issues going back)

If he does not pay towards the mortgage, and the bills are split I am not sure a marriage certificate entitles him to half. We need a solicitor here.

My DH supported my dd1 when she was younger because he is a decent bloke and would never see us struggle. He would give me his last penny.

I bet you do most of the house work/cooking ect too. And I bet he makes you feel really grateful when he contributes to stuff

I think this thread is terribly unfair!

If this was the other way around the advice would be the complete opposite of what’s being spouted now.

I can’t believe people are suggesting DH should be paying more of the mortgage even though he doesn’t actually get any of the house In OP’s will! There is no way on earth you would be giving any woman that advice.

And as for people saying he should think himself lucky he has been accepted into a ‘ready made’ family with loads of step children, the same could be said for OP who quite honestly is lucky to have found a partner that is willing to take on so many full time residential step kids.

But if he can stay in the house until he dies - a house that he is contributing nothing at all to - how is that fair on the children? He might live to be 100. He might live decades longer than the OP.

In a non step family the mother or father wouldn’t be forced to sell up if the other parent died. So in families where the step parent is contributing to the costs of raising the children, then it would seem fair to afford them the same right to stay in the home.

In this case he is barely contributing at all though so I think you have a point!

Quite. I've seen loads of threads in my 8 years on MN and the almost universal advice given to women is not to pay on a mortgage she wasn't named on and didn't therefore own a proportion of the house. Why should it be different for a man?

In such threads shatnerswig the woman is almost invariably not married to the man. That does make a rather big difference. Because if they're married and then split, he's potentially entitled to a share of the house or at least of the equity acquired during the marriage, whether he specifically pays anything towards it or not.

That said, I really have no idea how I'd work this. Had OP posted a couple of years ago I'd have advised she think carefully about whether marriage is right for her at all. I don't think I'd want to pay for someone else's DC, but if that were so then I don't think I'd marry them either. If I wanted separate finances they'd be good and separate. Not this hotch potch.