AIBU to ask new husband to contribute to child related costs for children that are not his?

[Clockworkteacup]

Just that really. Married last year. Four children now aged 8, 9, 11, 13 from first marriage. Ex husband pays too little maintenance - £100 per month as is self employed.

For context, we both earn good money, although he earns very good money at 50% more than me. I was able to support the children without him before with no tax credits etc but it was a struggle as was paying out a lot of childcare and big mortgage. But I was fortunate to be able to own our own home, pay the bills etc, even though not much left over. This isn't about being 'poor' and I recognise how lucky I am to be able to rely just on my own income.

AIBU to expect him to pay any of the child related costs? What do you think is a fair way to split the bills?

At the moment I am paying for half of what 'we' cost and all of what the children cost. So I pay around two thirds of our house related outgoings e.g. mortgage etc as need a house for five. I also then pay for all childcare (at £800 a month), all their clothes uniform, their lunches, trips, birthday presents and so on. He does split big costs like holidays and meals out 50-50.

This means I am ending up watching the pennies at the end of the month whilst he has around £2500 more than me after house stuff is paid. He drives a new car whilst I drive one that is 12 years old. I was triggered to write this by him complaining about not being able to afford something very expensive (and nice but certainly not a necessary cost) whilst I am worrying this month about the bills.

But they are not his children.

And their father evades paying much for them.

And we both saved about a similar amount by him moving in, in terms of housing costs (mortgage, utilities, council tax).

Backstory - I have major money issues through paying for everything for cocklodger ex husband and have a father who didn't work, and a brother who seems to live off high earning women so am skewed (and anxious) around men and money.

If he earns more, your contributions to the household should reflect that. Thst would free up some cash for you without bringing your kids into it.

I would never expect my DP to support my children. I’d expect their father to contribute properly towards their upbringing. I can’t see how a man can get away with giving you £100 a month for 4 children. I’d seek to get that reviewed, and some forensic accounting done if required. I’d expect your DP to make a fair contribution and maybe the odd meal or treat but not beyond that.

He's not her partner, he's her husband. I don't want to get into a marriage vs non-marriage bunfight (again), but the fact that he has signed a legal contract with her all about asset sharing is going to count for something.

What would be a "fair contribution" that doesn't take into account the costs of the children?

I've not RTFT (too long) but is he paying High Income Child Benefit Charge?

The High Income Child Benefit Charge (HICBC) is a tax charge paid by higher earners which claws back up to 100% of any child benefit received by a higher earner or their partner. The HICBC is only payable when the income of the child benefit claimant or their partner exceeds £50,000 p.a.

Sounds like he should be as I earn 50k so no tax credits. I do have child benefit. and you say he earns 50% more than you.

I think you have made the common mistake of writing your will to reflect what you would wish to happen if you died at your expected time, ie 87 or so, after a long life together.
But your will now should reflect what you would want to happen if you dropped dead tomorrow.
I do not think that would be giving him a 4 bed house to live in rent & mortgage free for the next 50-60 years (probably with his second wife, new kids, grandchildren etc) while your DC have to squeeze in with their feckless father and get nothing until they are in their 60s or 70s.
Write a new will that reflects what should happen now. You can write a new one later when the children are no longer dependant

I don't think the OP is coming back. I hope she's taken into account some of the excellent advice on this thread.

I bet he's not paying the tax for the child benefit that you receive. He'll need to declare that on his self assessment tax form and I bet he doesn't. Who will be expected to pay that back when it's asked for?

Also they both need to be aware of the law on "children of the family". If this new husband is providing for any of the wife's children then if they split up those obligations may well continue. I knew someone on his third wife who was paying for her two children to board at Millfield which is about £75k a year. On divorce he had to continue to pay as they were children of the family under 18 for whom he had been paying despite the fact they were step children.

You’re a team. You work together. Children or not. I provide to this family which is me, dp and his dss (3 times a week) what’s mine is theirs. Kids or not we’d be a team. I have no problem in us doing whatever. I’ve helped find holidays for us all- don’t care if he needs to get more stuff for his son (in addition to the maintenance payments). Although I will say when I think he needs to think about spending un necessarily - like this week taking him to his first football lesson “I’ve gotta get him boots the kit” let him play first and see if he likes it before going wild..... I think s a partnership there should be a basic expectation. I’m a what’s mine is yours kinda girl- regardless of who has what.

So you're splitting 50/50 with someone who earns 50% more than you? That doesn't seem fair.
Whether or not he should contribute to childcare costs is a much thornier issue. He presumably knew your situation before you married. I think it's a bit mean not to contribute as he can afford it.

I remarried when DC were 18 (at uni), 12 and 13. DH was a high earner and paid maintenance for his 15yo DD and also supported my DC throughout. Including school fees. My DS has separated from his wife and if he gets together with someone who has children I hope he'd treat them as his own.

Why reopen a zombie thread?

It's a few weeks old. Hardly a Zombie thread.

YABU, why should he take over your ex's responsibilities? However more support for you would be good.

@Clockworkteacup I know this is an old thread. I wondered if the marriage lasted?. I agree with others he should be paying half towards bills and mortgage at least. It was his choice to marry you and the kids. Also earns a decent salary £500 is pittance.

This is a difficult one. The problem here really is your ex, he should be providing fairly for the children. There have been several comparisons of blended families but this is a particular situation; you don’t have shared children and you have your own four children. Of course you are going to have less money than someone who doesn’t have four children. And you say yourself that your costs have decreased since you moved in together. Four children is a lot!!!

4 children is a lot. But he moved himself in the house which he will get half of yet isn’t paying half?. If he was on a lower salary you could understand. £2500 is a lot more than most people’s salary. It’s simply not good enough. I think there’s a deeper problem one they shouldn’t of got married and 2nd maybe they are a bad match!

ZOMBIE