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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask new husband to contribute to child related costs for children that are not his?

493 replies

Clockworkteacup · 03/09/2018 12:53

Just that really. Married last year. Four children now aged 8, 9, 11, 13 from first marriage. Ex husband pays too little maintenance - £100 per month as is self employed.

For context, we both earn good money, although he earns very good money at 50% more than me. I was able to support the children without him before with no tax credits etc but it was a struggle as was paying out a lot of childcare and big mortgage. But I was fortunate to be able to own our own home, pay the bills etc, even though not much left over. This isn't about being 'poor' and I recognise how lucky I am to be able to rely just on my own income.

AIBU to expect him to pay any of the child related costs? What do you think is a fair way to split the bills?

At the moment I am paying for half of what 'we' cost and all of what the children cost. So I pay around two thirds of our house related outgoings e.g. mortgage etc as need a house for five. I also then pay for all childcare (at £800 a month), all their clothes uniform, their lunches, trips, birthday presents and so on. He does split big costs like holidays and meals out 50-50.

This means I am ending up watching the pennies at the end of the month whilst he has around £2500 more than me after house stuff is paid. He drives a new car whilst I drive one that is 12 years old. I was triggered to write this by him complaining about not being able to afford something very expensive (and nice but certainly not a necessary cost) whilst I am worrying this month about the bills.

But they are not his children.

And their father evades paying much for them.

And we both saved about a similar amount by him moving in, in terms of housing costs (mortgage, utilities, council tax).

Backstory - I have major money issues through paying for everything for cocklodger ex husband and have a father who didn't work, and a brother who seems to live off high earning women so am skewed (and anxious) around men and money.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 03/09/2018 15:13

I’d divorce as the marriage is still new so hopefully he won’t get half of the house. Then if you wish continue the relationship as girlfriend and boyfriend because that’s how it is now.

MsMotherOfDragons · 03/09/2018 15:14

This is fascinating question (and answers -- especially all the people saying that no, they are not his responsibility). Because of course the government is saying that they ARE now his responsibility, and therefore any mother receiving tax credits will be penalised by cuts in tax credits when she lives with anyone else even if they are not the father of her children.

HollowTalk · 03/09/2018 15:15

Bloody hell, OP, go and find a really good lawyer and find a way out of this! You've given some guy half your house! At least in the meantime rewrite your Will so that your children get everything on your death. This man wouldn't do the same for you - why the hell are you doing this for him?

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 03/09/2018 15:17

tbh the people saying that the children are '100 per cent OP's responsibility' are living in la-la land. that is not how marriage works, as MrsDragons has pointed out.
Honestly OP, get a divorce now before it's too late and you have worked your arse off for the kids and for this cocklodger, and then later end up in a bedsit.

Cawfee · 03/09/2018 15:18

The main problem I can see is the mortgage. You shouldn’t be paying two thirds. It should be 50/50 at the very least. The reason being if you split tomorrow, house gets sold, he’d claim 50% of the profits but he hasn’t put in 50%. If it changed to him putting in 50% mortgage how much better off would you be per month? That could solve your problem?

whosaidthat6 · 03/09/2018 15:18

I married someone with children then we had one of our own. Her ex paid next to nothing in maintenance and went years with zero.

I also earn approx 50% more than she does. When I married her, I accepted her with the children as a package.

If it's any help, I pay for mortgage and all household bills as well as holidays.

She pays for all food, her own car and mobile and some spending money for holidays.

We split things like clothing, just depends who has the money come the end of the month.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 03/09/2018 15:20

HollyGoLoudly1 In some cases you would be right. But not in all cases, just because parents get divorced does not mean the actual father and mother are not the family unit with he children. You do not instantly kick out the old dad and say this is your new family with a new dad, especially when the children are older.

The op obviously made the current arrangements with her new husband, she doesn't say she was tricked into them, actually sounds like she wants to remain financially independent from him. So the new husband was not necessarily aware he was going to be financially responsible for the children. The op is suggesting changing the conditions of the relationship after the contract was sealed.

Havaina · 03/09/2018 15:23

I would change mortgage but no real point as we're married so it's half his.

Not yet it isn't. See your solicitor, fondness out how you can protect your house for your children.

You have 4 kids, you don't have the luxury to be uncomfortable about these conversations, their wellbeing comes first. This guy is on 100kpa, he'll be fine.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 03/09/2018 15:23

" So the new husband was not necessarily aware he was going to be financially responsible for the children. "

oh please - do people not actually know what the marriage contract is about? did he think he would become an extra child or something?

irunlikeahipoo · 03/09/2018 15:23

I don’t think he should pay for your kids

I certainly wouldn’t and didn’t pay for my DH kids and I don’t expect him to pay for my DS
He supports him, loves him ,and would do anything for him and my son thinks of him as his father and they are extremely close but anything to do with money and fiancés and I see it as my responsibility not my DH .

And I didn’t get any CS from my sons father either

We’ve been married for 20 years so kids are in mid twenties now .so our way of doing can’t have been that bad as neither of us felt responsible for each other’s children financially and it’s worked for us but we are the sort of couple to talk about stuff first not get married and then feel resentful or stupid

I’m sure if I had to pay money for my DHs to kids I would have felt resentful as they have two parents and my son has only had me

But DH and I both agreed that this was what worked best for us and the kids and it has worked out well
We often did seperate holidays when the kids were smaller and in teens as it was easier financially rather than going with five of us .some would say what’s the point when your married but we’re both independent people so we did what was best for both of us

if your husband is going to benefit from your house and equity then you could suggest that he pays more because he has benefited or will benefit from this in the future

Personally though I have no idea why you got married because you could lose everything in a few years if you got divorced which with 4 step kids I would imagine it’s a reasonable probillity
I can’t see any real reason apart from him having a gold plated cock that it was worth you marrying him as you will most likely lose out long term especially when it comes to university fees and they take his earning into account

SandyY2K · 03/09/2018 15:23

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HollyGoLoudly1 · 03/09/2018 15:25

@Walkingdeadfangirl I agree and apologise if my post came across like that - didn't mean to imply the biologicial dad is no longer part of the childrens family unit! But imo it doesn't negate the stepparents role in the situation, regardless of how much maintenance is received or how much contact the Dad has iyswim. Just my opinion + I'm speaking as a stepparent without my own children for what it's worth.

LimpLettice · 03/09/2018 15:27

I think that question needs to be a priority, OP, for both you and your children. Either he's your husband and their stepfather, or he's not. You're earning nicely now but there are no guarantees, and I cannot see how you can trust a man who sees you struggle with that kind of disposable income to be of any help. I hate to see anyone I love struggle, let alone someone I shared my life with as a significant other. Imagine how that would feel if you were vulnerable health wise?

I think my generation (40 ish) as a rule have been socialised to rely on ourselves and pay our way, and somehow feel it's not right to expect a man to pay. That's right and healthy in many ways but isn't what marriage is. You should be a team, and finances are part of that.

SandyY2K · 03/09/2018 15:27

oh please - do people not actually know what the marriage contract is about?

Where in law or the marriage contract does it say a spouse is jointly financially responsible for step children?

He has no parental responsibility for them. If you divorce...he has no right in law to continue seeing them.

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 03/09/2018 15:28

@PaulDacre I would agree that in many cases, they weren't actually married, but I've still seen several where they were. But with the number of people not marrying now, it's almost a moot point.

I've never even seen one shatnerswig, but if there are people giving that advice to someone who's married in the same way as an unmarried person, then it's not very accurate. The whole principle of don't pay towards a house you're not going to have a stake in if you split up doesn't apply when you potentially will have a stake in it.

Also, it's not a moot point if the person asking for the advice is married. If they're not then it's just irrelevant really. Unless they are considering marriage.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 03/09/2018 15:29

I have reported your first post Sandy as it was really nasty and unnecessary.

irunlikeahipoo · 03/09/2018 15:30

OP. If I were you i would get divorced asap At least that way you can retain your house
It seems you have a gold plated cock lodger in situ
Mainly your fault though I don’t blame the guy he thought he was getting a blood good deal and he has
I can guarantee you he won’t be happy when you suggest he needs to pay more into the pot

nauticant · 03/09/2018 15:30

OP, does he consider himself to be the kids' stepdad? Do you?

WhirlyGigWhirlyGig · 03/09/2018 15:32

Sandy where in any of this post has it been shown that the op is a 'useless mum'. That's a really unpleasant thing to say.

Theresnodisneyending · 03/09/2018 15:32

I wouldn't want to pay half the cost of 4 kids that arent mine.... because they have a useless mum

That's a very, very nasty thing to say.

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/09/2018 15:32

So does he literally pay £500 to live, including rent, bills, food and pay nothing else? And will inherit a home for life AND a lump sum of money if you die?

this

yes i understand that he doesnt want to pay twards a mortgage that the house will never be his, and fair enugh, your house and needs to go to your kids

i have done the same, my house and df would have inhertited it if i died, but now we have our dd, the house will go to her, yet df has a right to live in it till he dies

but £500 isnt enough for a roof over his head, bills and food

esp if has £2.5k left over, £1k to you would be more fair and you use it to where you need

tho if he gives you £500 and you used to survive on own, why are you struggling now with an extra £500

Havaina · 03/09/2018 15:34

Whirley, I think Sandy is talking about a hypothetical situation in which her current husband has a useless ex wife that doesn't support her children (like OP's ex who didn't support his children).

OkMaybeNot · 03/09/2018 15:34

The nice thing to do would be to contribute, he's their stepdad and earns money in the household you all live in. But if he doesn't want to, what's forcing him? Nothing.

This should have been discussed. I'm surprised he doesn't want to help, but even more surprised that you're only just thinking about this now.

HighwayDragon1 · 03/09/2018 15:35

Wow. Dh earns around 5x what I do. He pays the rent, council tax and chlidcare, he also saves for our future house, which he will buy, use all his savings for, but I will still own 50% ofthe house. I pay for food and the other bills. He buys DD whatever she needs and has her whenever I need him to. DD calls him dad (her BD is a bit shit and flakey) he's actually her stepfather.

When we got together we came as a package, deal with it or leave.

SandyY2K · 03/09/2018 15:35

If you're struggling now...You must have been struggling before you married him. So it could look like you married him to ease your struggles.

I wouldn't expect any man who was not the father of my DC to support them financially.

If I chose a useless man to father 4 of my children, then I have to shoulder that blame and not ask another man to step up to the plate

If I wanted that...then I would tactically be after a very very rich man, who would be delighted to support us without me even having to ask.

I wouldn't expect your average Joe to do this.

My kids, my responsibility