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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask new husband to contribute to child related costs for children that are not his?

493 replies

Clockworkteacup · 03/09/2018 12:53

Just that really. Married last year. Four children now aged 8, 9, 11, 13 from first marriage. Ex husband pays too little maintenance - £100 per month as is self employed.

For context, we both earn good money, although he earns very good money at 50% more than me. I was able to support the children without him before with no tax credits etc but it was a struggle as was paying out a lot of childcare and big mortgage. But I was fortunate to be able to own our own home, pay the bills etc, even though not much left over. This isn't about being 'poor' and I recognise how lucky I am to be able to rely just on my own income.

AIBU to expect him to pay any of the child related costs? What do you think is a fair way to split the bills?

At the moment I am paying for half of what 'we' cost and all of what the children cost. So I pay around two thirds of our house related outgoings e.g. mortgage etc as need a house for five. I also then pay for all childcare (at £800 a month), all their clothes uniform, their lunches, trips, birthday presents and so on. He does split big costs like holidays and meals out 50-50.

This means I am ending up watching the pennies at the end of the month whilst he has around £2500 more than me after house stuff is paid. He drives a new car whilst I drive one that is 12 years old. I was triggered to write this by him complaining about not being able to afford something very expensive (and nice but certainly not a necessary cost) whilst I am worrying this month about the bills.

But they are not his children.

And their father evades paying much for them.

And we both saved about a similar amount by him moving in, in terms of housing costs (mortgage, utilities, council tax).

Backstory - I have major money issues through paying for everything for cocklodger ex husband and have a father who didn't work, and a brother who seems to live off high earning women so am skewed (and anxious) around men and money.

OP posts:
Walkingdeadfangirl · 03/09/2018 13:55

So you own the house and after you both die it all goes to your family, his family gets nothing!

You say you just got married to "protect each other in death", so why should he now have to pay for someone else's children, that obviously wasn't in the marriage deal.
And all this extra money he is saving will be yours when he dies.

If it was the other way around I would not be paying for someone else's family. You are 50% better off now, your children have a cash cow to milk when their step dad dies, I think you have a good deal.

takethatwasmyjam · 03/09/2018 13:56

I can't imagine being married to someone and watching them struggle while I save my cash.

teenagerparent · 03/09/2018 13:56

I was in a similar situation, what we did is split all the household bills including food 50/50 then I paid for anything extra for the kids so childcare/hobbies/clothes/phones etc. Would doing it that way be better for you? You are still funding your children but you are splitting the house more fairly.

GoatWithACoat · 03/09/2018 13:56

If you were just partners that’s one thing. But a marriage is a union. A legal joining that brings assets and responsibilities together.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 03/09/2018 13:57

I did not realise a will superceeds marriage???

I’m sure the house will be his asset then?

Someone needs to clarify

Eliza9917 · 03/09/2018 13:57

Clockworkteacup Mon 03-Sep-18 13:18:40
If he dies, I get everything that is his.

Why can you have it when he's dead? Wouldn't it be better to spread some of that money around now and you all live a nice life?

AynRandTheObjectivist · 03/09/2018 13:58

You're married and a blended family unit. He should not have this much left over each month while you're struggling. Parents and kids come ad packages and you don't get one without the other.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 03/09/2018 13:58

And since you are married he does own half the house so he should update pay half!

ShatnersWig · 03/09/2018 13:59

@Collaborate So we're back to precisely where we were and the OP admitting she is £500 a month better off since she married. And if she managed before, how is she now struggling if she is £500 per month better off in the "general accounting" and he pays half of all holidays, meals out etc?

The house ownership is one thing. The fact he pays nothing towards actual childcare and child costs is another and is what the OP was actually asking about - should he be paying towards another man's children?

BewareOfDragons · 03/09/2018 13:59

I'm quite shocked by this, tbh. I don't understand why you and he got married.

I had a stepfather; sadly, he's no longer with us. He was my and my sister's dad in every sense of the word. He would NEVER have treated us or our mother this way. Our own dad was stingy, never paid for anything unless forced, didn't think girls should go to university, etc and not there for us in so many ways. Our stepfather never treated us with anything but love and support, and paid for higher education for both of us. I miss him so much. He was our true dad. I even named our first child after him.

If OP's husband didn't want to accept and love and help support her young children, he shouldn't have married their mother. They're not adults. They're children. I wonder how they look at all his spending money for himself, and his toys, and his fancy car and then look at their mother scraping by to support them while they all live together. What a message that's sending about his feelings about them .... I wouldn't expect them to think much about him in the long run, tbh.

doodleygirl · 03/09/2018 13:59

He must have seen you coming. What kind of man can live with the fact he is left with a very decent amount of spare cash whilst his wife is struggling. A pretty shit kind of man if you ask me.

ShatnersWig · 03/09/2018 14:00

@chillpizza I asked that too. Haven't had an answer though.

Witchofwisteria · 03/09/2018 14:00

YANB(totally)U

I would suggest you make it more even. If you are paying £1500 say, for all of that and he is paying £1500 but you have £100 spare cash at the end of the month and he has £2500, then I would suggest either joint savings that you can both draw from if needed. Or he pays more of the bills, so hes paying an extra £500 so you can reduce your input from to £1500 to £1000. Or suggest your car is on the way out, can he get you a new one since he has a lot more leftover.

In our house we (although children are shared with DH) he pays for all of the rent, bills and his car payment and is left with about £50. I pay for all of the groceries, school uniform, furniture, childcare costs (though this is very small now due to our son starting school this Sept), some of the treats like takeaways etc... I am left with about £350-£500 depending on the month. This surplus goes into savings and we use this for things like holidays and any big unexpected payments.

Original poster
Clockworkteacup · 03/09/2018 14:01

I earn 50k so no tax credits. I do have child benefit. I have enough money relatively - just with a big mortgage, child care, costs of kids etc, and paying a house related loan back I don't have a lot spare. Kids live a good life. This isn't about whether I can afford life (I am lucky that I can) - it's about what is reasonable for him to pay.

Yes with marriage he is entitled to half the house so thats why I haven't bothered remortgaging.

I have enough life insurance that the kids will be fine. Good policy through work that includes paying dependents what my full pension would have been until they are adults.

I felt I had to protect him if I die (yes, yes I can see the contradiction!!).

And yes my counsellor is good - see I've written this post ... baby steps Grin

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 03/09/2018 14:01

@doodleygirl But WHY is she struggling? She was coping without tax credits before they married, and is now £500 per month better off? What has changed?

I'm not saying he perhaps shouldn't pay more, but there does seem to be some disparity and some posters are perhaps missing points in their replies.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/09/2018 14:02

You are all part of the package when he married you, so yes. But did you not talk about this first before marriage?

ADishBestEatenCold · 03/09/2018 14:02

"And we both saved about a similar amount by him moving in, in terms of housing costs"

So he moved in? Into your home?

You've gained nothing. Why did you marry him? Why didn't you just charge him rent?

londonrach · 03/09/2018 14:03

This is something you should have discussed before getting married. Vvvv hard. Image you moved in to his house with his children would you want to split the bills etc half and half. Im on the fence here as you should be working as a family unit. (Removes splinters from bottom)

TheVeryThing · 03/09/2018 14:03

If you have children then I think your first priority has to be their well-being and security, not any new partner's.
If you died young, then your children could be waiting decades for their inheritance and there is no guarantee that he will deliver on his promise to have them live with him, especially as he doesn't seem to feel much responsibility towards them now.
What happens to your home if you divorce?
Did you get independent legal and financial advice before coming up with this arrangement?

Onedayy · 03/09/2018 14:04

Worst case scenario, say you became ill or got made redundant and you couldn’t work at all, you would be completely reliant on him. Would he step up?

We all think these things would not happen to us but I have not been able to work for four years in circumstances I could never have foreseen.

Theresnodisneyending · 03/09/2018 14:05

Personally, if he pays for "his" kids, and you pay for "yours", you will never be a true family, in that sense, because you both will always have that mental divide.

chillpizza · 03/09/2018 14:05

So it’s about asking him to pay more for your children so you can treat yourself really. If you can afford everything you need I don’t see the point in asking him for more tbh.

Sure he has saved £500 a month you say but he now shares with four children who have a crap dad and everything that’s his will go to yourchildren at one point.

Childcare won’t be forever then you will be £800 a month better off too.

LeftRightCentre · 03/09/2018 14:06

On MN when a woman marries a man with kids it's never joint money and she should ring-fence her money and not out of pocket for his kids because they have two parents and blah blah blah. When a man marries a woman with kids it's you are a family unit and all money should be pooled etc etc.

But in particular your will is all manner of wrong and he saw you coming. He gets a mortgage free house at the expense of your kids.

He's also several thousand pounds better off a month for living with you in your house. Yet you think he's doing you a favour.

You need to give your head a shake here because he saw you coming.

ADishBestEatenCold · 03/09/2018 14:06

"If I die he gets to remain in the house until his death but it will pass to my children."

And if you split up? Does he then walk away with half your family home? Even after just a couple of years of marriage?

TheVeryThing · 03/09/2018 14:09

So he is entitled to half the house but pays nothing towards the mortgage?
Why did you feel the need to provide financial security for a man with no children who is a high earner?
Certainly, one can make the argument that no one should be expected to pay for children that are not theirs, but surely if he loved you and your children then he would want to make your lives easier/nicer?
If not, then why did you marry him & move him in to your home?