AIBU to ask new husband to contribute to child related costs for children that are not his?

[Clockworkteacup]

Just that really. Married last year. Four children now aged 8, 9, 11, 13 from first marriage. Ex husband pays too little maintenance - £100 per month as is self employed.

For context, we both earn good money, although he earns very good money at 50% more than me. I was able to support the children without him before with no tax credits etc but it was a struggle as was paying out a lot of childcare and big mortgage. But I was fortunate to be able to own our own home, pay the bills etc, even though not much left over. This isn't about being 'poor' and I recognise how lucky I am to be able to rely just on my own income.

AIBU to expect him to pay any of the child related costs? What do you think is a fair way to split the bills?

At the moment I am paying for half of what 'we' cost and all of what the children cost. So I pay around two thirds of our house related outgoings e.g. mortgage etc as need a house for five. I also then pay for all childcare (at £800 a month), all their clothes uniform, their lunches, trips, birthday presents and so on. He does split big costs like holidays and meals out 50-50.

This means I am ending up watching the pennies at the end of the month whilst he has around £2500 more than me after house stuff is paid. He drives a new car whilst I drive one that is 12 years old. I was triggered to write this by him complaining about not being able to afford something very expensive (and nice but certainly not a necessary cost) whilst I am worrying this month about the bills.

But they are not his children.

And their father evades paying much for them.

And we both saved about a similar amount by him moving in, in terms of housing costs (mortgage, utilities, council tax).

Backstory - I have major money issues through paying for everything for cocklodger ex husband and have a father who didn't work, and a brother who seems to live off high earning women so am skewed (and anxious) around men and money.

If he is earning 50% more than you he should be paying the child benefit tax charge so that you can continue to claim child benefit. Is that the case?

If you earn £50k and he earns 50% more than you, then surely you're not entitled to child benefit?

Yes she is as they take into account individual salary not household income.

If you got hit by a bus tomorrow are you sure this man will look after your dc?

I also cannot for the life of me understand why you married him. To protect him in the event of your death?? Whose idea was that?
He earns £75K he would be fine, you also could have taken a life insurance policy for him.

He's moved into your house which he now has a potential 50% claim on and he pays 1/3 of the mortgage and bills.
You can't even build up savings for your future because of this yet he's saving £2.5K per month.

You need to wake up.

I think that if you choose to marry or cohabit then you become a partnership. All your monthly finances are put in a pot and you live equally from that pot.

If you choose to marry and that person has financial responsibilities then they become your responsibilities too.

"People saying that the OP’s children are not his responsibility, the reality here though is that he married the OP, thus joining finances, in the knowledge that the OP had four children and that she and the children came as a package."

Agree completely, although I do find it interesting that , if the other thread is anything to go by, when it comes to inheritance then it's ok to ring fence assets for children of your own who predated the marriage.
Surely these people equally knew they had x amount of children before they decided to join finances and assets with another person.

They do not take into account household income for child benefit. If anyone is earning over 60k in the house they lose it altogether barring any pension contributions etc that reduce the salary of the highest earner.

In my opinion yabu -ish.
Everyday costs eg food shopping (which will be higher as for six people not two due to children) bills rent etc for the household should be joint but specific costs for the children , if he wants to contribute eg a day out somewhere nice etc then great but he doesn't have too at all as that is the responsibility of their parebts. That is how me and dp do it. I do sometimes but clothes or treats etc and tend to pay half for holidays eg the accomadate but not for.extras.
But I agree, didn't you discuss this pre- marige? Were you not living together? If it's been this way always , why on earth did you think it would change?

I think 50:50 of household bills is fair enough. You appear to expect that he would have half your house, so I don’t know why you are contributing more to the mortgage and the essential costs of running a house.

If you have no equity in the house now, you’re essentially building up equity for him rather than your own DC. The costs of electricity, gas etc shouldn’t be substantially more than if it were just you as a couple - you’d still be heating the house, cooking, watching tv etc.

The house is not half his just by virtue of marriage

www.georgeide.co.uk/family-law-solicitor/divorce-after-a-short-marriage/

Was it his idea to get married? I don’t understand why you would marry him and not protect your children’s future in the event of your death. I know you say you have good life insurance but you are basically giving away your family home to someone who doesn’t contribute towards it.

My opinion will always be that a family shares their money.... I understand that they are not his children but you are now a family. Of course use the £100 for child related costs and then your shared income for the rest of your FAMILY costs

@ineedtostopbeingsolazy

Yes she is as they take into account individual salary not household income.

If one person earns £50k or more in the household...you aren't eligible for child benefit.

In this case due to stepdad earning more...you shouldn't get CB...but it may take time for HMRC to find out.

I think he sounds like an asshat and him and many of the comments on this thread make me very grateful for the fact that my dh wouldn’t dream of behaving like this. He took on me and dd 100% and treats her no differently to our ds.

SandyY2K You are still eligible but the higher earner has to pay High Income Child Benefit Charge.

It's not as simple as marry someone, automatically get half the house. But the longer they stay married, the more likely it is that he would be entitled to a share of assets if they were to divorce. And OP too of course. Works both ways. So for example if he were to start saving his spare 2.5k a month immediately, as there's no equity right now, his savings could become the more significant asset soon enough.

If you earn £50k and he earns 50% more than you, then surely you're not entitled to child benefit?

Yes she is as they take into account individual salary not household income.

According to the government website, The first post is correct, and if this is the case then you need to report it, because you may have to pay some of it back.

www.gov.uk/child-benefit-tax-charge

Yeah I think he should be paying. To be honest I wouldn't want to pay for someone else's children, BUT I wouldn't get into a relationship with a single parent. He has, he has accepted you all as his family. He is a step father now, so he should help.

I had similar. I was a single mother with2 DC when i met exp. He moved into my house and I asked for £100 a week contribution as rent, bills, food. We had a DC together. I luckily never married him. He stopped contributing and was a total cocklodger. He tried to get me to do a will saying he could live in my house if I died, and then my kids would only be able to access the money after he had died. He also got us to take out life insurance on each other (with me paying the premium as he never had any money!). It did cross my mind that he would push me down the stairs!!! Anyway, I refused to do that will, and cancelled the life insurance. And asked him to actually contribute £100 a week or leave. He chose to leave. I'm now single ☺

When I remarried all our money went into a joint account, end of discussion! I got no maintenance, bought all her uniform, clothes etc. Split responsibility with ex week on week off.

Op there is no way you can turn back the clock here, but I wouldn’t allow this situation to continue. If there is a divorce now you have a much better chance of keeping your house due to the length of the marriage and small dc. Ask yourself, if you explain all of this to dh will he change his ways and contribute fairly? If not then the only people who’s future you should consider is the dc’s.

Man gets a nice furnished house, all white goods supplied and sex on tap for £500 a month I image on his salary he already lived somewhere with white goods. As for sex on tap, the op has 4 children living there, I very much doubt he gets sex on tap. And the idea of potentially getting a share of a £200k house in 40 years is hardly an incentive for a man with his income. So if not love I am struggling to see what benefits the man has got out of this deal.

What is the point in a marriage if you are scrambling for pennies and he has £2500 spare cash? Is that what marriage is for, money?

Op hasn't explained how she is now struggling, if she paid for all this alone before the marriage, and now gets £6k more a year?

Also note the op said she has children well sorted with life insurance, I wonder is that taking a significant chunk of her disposable income.

Does husband have any assets/savings that you will inherit if he dies first (which is more likely).

Walking dead

The mortgage alone is £800 why should he not pay half?

Why should he not pay half of the bills?

What world do you live in where money doesn’t come into marriage?

Does love pay the rent? No it doesn’t!

In a marriage without step children to consider I would expect joint spending etc. It does make it more complicated that there are 4 children that aren’t his. If there was just one child I think it would be more expected that he would contribute properly to your household- I think it is the number of kids that makes it more emotive and tricky. But he married you knowing that and I think on that basis he becomes part of the family unit and should pay accordingly. I think I would see it differently if you were the non-resident parent. Why should he get half the house without contributing a fair share- that bit I definitely don’t understand. Also what if you get sick or can’t work. I hope to god he would step up and not have you all live poorly while he flashes the cash.

@Gacapa
Can’t bear mean men. He has no generosity of spirit. He’s hanging onto thousands every month while you struggle

And @winebottle

it is really mean. How can he even want that £2500 at the end of the month? Surely not seeing his wife struggle is worth more than that

Whether it’s a reasonable or unreasonable a request, these two comments stand out.

What bugs me is all those fathers paying feck all to support their own children.
How are they getting away with it ?
Morally wrong.
I'm not in the UK but is money taken from them at source - ie from salary / wages/ benefits before they get the rest?

Melliegrantfirstlady, I am not saying he shouldn't pay his way. If he owns half the house then he should pay for half the mortgage and bills. But I am not convinced he should pay half the childcare etc for children that aren't his, especially as the children have 2 living parents.

Money matters are a complication of marriage but money is not what marriage is about. In this case it seems the husband bought into one financial 'understanding' but (rightly or wrongly) op wants to change it.