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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask new husband to contribute to child related costs for children that are not his?

493 replies

Clockworkteacup · 03/09/2018 12:53

Just that really. Married last year. Four children now aged 8, 9, 11, 13 from first marriage. Ex husband pays too little maintenance - £100 per month as is self employed.

For context, we both earn good money, although he earns very good money at 50% more than me. I was able to support the children without him before with no tax credits etc but it was a struggle as was paying out a lot of childcare and big mortgage. But I was fortunate to be able to own our own home, pay the bills etc, even though not much left over. This isn't about being 'poor' and I recognise how lucky I am to be able to rely just on my own income.

AIBU to expect him to pay any of the child related costs? What do you think is a fair way to split the bills?

At the moment I am paying for half of what 'we' cost and all of what the children cost. So I pay around two thirds of our house related outgoings e.g. mortgage etc as need a house for five. I also then pay for all childcare (at £800 a month), all their clothes uniform, their lunches, trips, birthday presents and so on. He does split big costs like holidays and meals out 50-50.

This means I am ending up watching the pennies at the end of the month whilst he has around £2500 more than me after house stuff is paid. He drives a new car whilst I drive one that is 12 years old. I was triggered to write this by him complaining about not being able to afford something very expensive (and nice but certainly not a necessary cost) whilst I am worrying this month about the bills.

But they are not his children.

And their father evades paying much for them.

And we both saved about a similar amount by him moving in, in terms of housing costs (mortgage, utilities, council tax).

Backstory - I have major money issues through paying for everything for cocklodger ex husband and have a father who didn't work, and a brother who seems to live off high earning women so am skewed (and anxious) around men and money.

OP posts:
BarnabyBungle · 03/09/2018 22:38

Mortgage is in my name only. He gets to live here if I die and also gets a nice lump sum. So he would gain being mortgage free (as mortgage would be paid off). Kids also get to stay here as he says he'd want them to stay here too. The lump sum would let him buy somewhere small if he wanted to sell house and give it to kids and move off somewhere else.

This is madness... you need to sort this out ASAP. You say “Kids also get to stay here as he says he'd want them to stay here too.”. So you’re trusting that a man who has shown no interest in supporting his step-kids will ‘want’ them to stay in the house.... Why aren’t you prioritising you children over him?! He could live in that house until he’s 100, after also having a big lump sum too, while your children struggle into retirement. This is a seriously unbalanced arrangement that disadvantages your children, and if he was a man of integrity he would have refused to accept it.

If he is a good man, he wouldn’t flinch if you changed arrangements to prioritise your children. If he’s not, then he’ll resist, and you’ll know you have a selfish twat for a DH that you need to get rid of.

SD1978 · 03/09/2018 22:46

I'd say bills 50/50- mortgage and all household costs, with you covering all child only related costs. Although personally I reckon he's an arse as I personally would be happy to cover half of that too. I never get the whole my money/your money thing when married- but also understand I'm in a minority with that thinking.

PorkFlute · 03/09/2018 22:48

Not read all 17 pages but it sounds like you have a thing for dickheads op. Your ex isn’t contributing to his kids and your new dh is watching his new family struggle while living a high income lifestyle.
If he was a bf then I would say you should be paying for your kids but if he’s married you he’s taken on a stepdad role.

BarnabyBungle · 03/09/2018 22:56

What is the point in a marriage if you are scrambling for pennies and he has £2500 spare cash?

Is that what marriage is for, money?

Yes, I agree marriage is nothing to do with sharing... Where did anyone get that crazy idea from? The secret of a healthy marriage is clearly keeping all your own money to yourself. “What’s mine is mine.... what’s yours is yours” should be one of the vows I think. It’s obviously totally ok for one member of a marriage to a massive surplus at the end of each month that exceeds the average person take home pay before bills..... while the other is struggling with far higher costs as well as 4 kids, all the while contributing to a generous life insurance arrangement should she die. Hmm

PorkFlute · 03/09/2018 23:03

Either he’s a part of the family or he’s not. What kind of man would be dining in a fine restaurant on his earnings while his wife and step children are in Maccies cos that’s pretty much what’s happening.

BarnabyBungle · 03/09/2018 23:03

I'd say bills 50/50- mortgage and all household costs, with you covering all child only related costs.

Really shocked by all these type of comments. They are married, so they are a family unit ffs!

If you aren’t prepared to support your step-children in any way financially (when it’s clear you are more than able to), then it’s simple, don’t become a step-parent! If you don’t want to be a step-parent, don’t marry someone with kids!.

No wonder so many families are fucked up with people’s selfish attitudes to ‘their’ money when in a family.

crimsonlake · 03/09/2018 23:05

Basically it sounds as if you have not broken the cycle and have found yourself another cock lodger.

Gillian1980 · 03/09/2018 23:15

Personally, if I married somebody with children then I would consider them to be “part of the deal” so to speak. I would include costs relating to them as family/household costs.

Maintenance paid by their dad would go into the pot and go towards meeting their living costs.

I would not get married to somebody who didn’t share my view.

headstone · 03/09/2018 23:48

I think people are being unfair to the new husband, going from no kids to suddenly expected to support 4 kids which he didn’t make would come as a shock to anyone. If the OP never discussed her expections before marriage then perhaps he never realised he would be expected to pay for another man’s children. It appears he is pulling his weight when it comes to household chores and he appears to offer some emotional support to them , he isn’t a cocklodger. It would take a saint of a man to take on a women and her four children and support them all financially especially as they still have an actual father. Personally I think it’s too much to ask.
They will be going through the teenage years soon and that is really going to test things both financially and emotionally.

Mehaveit · 03/09/2018 23:53

Household costs should be a % of your salary but your DCs costs should be yours unless he decides to pay towards them as their step dad.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/09/2018 00:13

going from no kids to suddenly expected to support 4 kids which he didn’t make would come as a shock to anyone well in assuming there was a period when they dated, then possibly lived together first. It's not like our was an arranged marriage. Why should it come as a shock that she has kids and they cost money?? Or that a decent partner would pay 50% of the household costs

It would take a saint of a man to take on a women and her four children and support them all financially he doesn't need to sort them all, she earns 50k and is certainly putting into the pot. He needs to contribute fairly. And he isn't a Saint for taking on OP. People seem to think op should be grateful he was willing to take on the burden of her family. If he feels like that he shouldn't have married her, their kids not a mill stone around his neck

takethatwasmyjam · 04/09/2018 00:24

@TakeMeToKernow you should definitely not be paying 50/50. I agree that you should help towards some costs of them being with you when they're around. But if you're earning 1/3 of your oh then he is massively taking the piss.

sessionExpired · 04/09/2018 04:11

Why should he be paying for your choices?

TwoBlueShoes · 04/09/2018 05:20

Why should he be paying for your choices?

He chose to marry someone who has 4 kids. Shock

I can't imagine not wanting things to be equal with my partner.

sessionExpired · 04/09/2018 05:30

Have you not seen the stupid picture showing the difference between equal and equitable?

He married her. The children were baggage.

BarnabyBungle · 04/09/2018 06:33

He married her. The children were baggage.

If he considered her children her ‘baggage’ he should not have married her.

BarnabyBungle · 04/09/2018 06:48

Household costs should be a % of your salary

Why is your formula the right way of splitting costs? It sounds completely inappropriate and unfair...

I earn £4,800 pcm. My DP works part-time and earns £800pcm (and has more childcare responsibilities due to working part-time. If our costs are £3,500 per month, is it fair me to pay £3,000 and my DP £500..... leaving us with £1,800 and £300 respectively? I can splash out on all sorts of expensive stuff that my DP can’t. That’s no basis for a marriage.

but your DCs costs should be yours unless he decides to pay towards them as their step dad.

Of course no one should be expected to pay towards kids that are not theirs.... but that changes if he expects to be their step-Dad and be part of a family unit that’s been cemented by marriage.

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/09/2018 06:53

Indeed you didn’t discuss it then he’s not at fault

Just say you are struggling and the fair way is to put % of salary into
Pot

Also their dad should be paying more. Much more

But still don’t get why you are struggling now have extra £500

Apart from water council tax and food increasing with him novi f in the other bills would stay the same

But yes he should pay more

Just talk

WhirlyGigWhirlyGig · 04/09/2018 06:54

It would take a saint of a man to take on a women and her four children and support them all financially especially as they still have an actual father. Personally I think it’s too much to ask.

Then why the hell did he marry her? Some people do have the strangest ideas they really do Hmm

givemesteel · 04/09/2018 06:59

Argh I don't even know where to start.

I really don't think you should have married this man but it is too late now. If he earns good money and presumably is not really young why has he not got a property of his own or made any provision for his retirement?

In the cold light of day he has moved on with you to save himself money and he will be entitled a share of your house if you divorce, plus he's also sorted himself out a place to live in retirement at very little expense to himself.

The situation with your will is ridiculous, there could be a 30 year difference between when you and he die, why should he live there when he's done zero to contribute to it. Yes he's paying 50% bills but you'd expect that from a lodger.

If it were me I would continue with the status quo and struggle on. But change anything legally so he doesn't get anything in a divorce or your death, he doesn't deserve to. Get legal advice asap. If it were me I'd be putting the 4 children on the deeds of my house so in a situation where you divorce he can only be going after 50% of a 5th of your house.

Biologifemini · 04/09/2018 07:03

I would assume, if I was this chap, that the child’s real father would be paying.

It doesn’t make sense for your new husband to pay when the ex is still alive.

I don’t understand why this wasn’t discussed earlier.

Thatsfuckingshit · 04/09/2018 07:14

It's such a difficult one.

I don't know the answer which is why me and dp don't live together. Half my household costs are £400. Do would be so much better off living here. But I would be the same due to tax credits loss etc. But then I earn slightly more so, would usually pay more.

I have 2 kids. He has one but is an adult.

It's all so complicated and something I don't have brain space to think about. Never mind sit down and work it out with him. Which is why we haven't focussed it before.

Snitzelvoncrumb · 04/09/2018 07:14

It's really something that should have been discussed before you got married, op can you talk to him about it now? I think he needs to cover the amount which you lost in tax credits. Also (sorry to be sexist) but if you do all his cooking, washing etc you can reasonably expect him to pay more towards bills etc.

Onedayy · 04/09/2018 07:15

Op earns too much for tax credits.

Onedayy · 04/09/2018 07:17

I am amazed that there are such opposing views on this topic. Im personally in the you all live as a family and share finances camp.

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