AIBU to ask new husband to contribute to child related costs for children that are not his?

[Clockworkteacup]

Just that really. Married last year. Four children now aged 8, 9, 11, 13 from first marriage. Ex husband pays too little maintenance - £100 per month as is self employed.

For context, we both earn good money, although he earns very good money at 50% more than me. I was able to support the children without him before with no tax credits etc but it was a struggle as was paying out a lot of childcare and big mortgage. But I was fortunate to be able to own our own home, pay the bills etc, even though not much left over. This isn't about being 'poor' and I recognise how lucky I am to be able to rely just on my own income.

AIBU to expect him to pay any of the child related costs? What do you think is a fair way to split the bills?

At the moment I am paying for half of what 'we' cost and all of what the children cost. So I pay around two thirds of our house related outgoings e.g. mortgage etc as need a house for five. I also then pay for all childcare (at £800 a month), all their clothes uniform, their lunches, trips, birthday presents and so on. He does split big costs like holidays and meals out 50-50.

This means I am ending up watching the pennies at the end of the month whilst he has around £2500 more than me after house stuff is paid. He drives a new car whilst I drive one that is 12 years old. I was triggered to write this by him complaining about not being able to afford something very expensive (and nice but certainly not a necessary cost) whilst I am worrying this month about the bills.

But they are not his children.

And their father evades paying much for them.

And we both saved about a similar amount by him moving in, in terms of housing costs (mortgage, utilities, council tax).

Backstory - I have major money issues through paying for everything for cocklodger ex husband and have a father who didn't work, and a brother who seems to live off high earning women so am skewed (and anxious) around men and money.

Are you planning children together?
I wonder what would happen if you did.
Xx

I would split house costs and bills 50/50 but you’d have to cover child related costs such as child care, clothes, school trips etc.

When you marry someone who has children you take on them as well as their parent. It's a package deal.

Please have the conversation and decide what you will do if he does not agree to what you deem fair.

I feel really sorry that the children have to live with someone who doesn't love them and care for them as much as they can
Children don't have a choice who they live with. You've brought in someone to share their lives who doesn't see them as part of the family.

I applaud the fact you recognise your dodgy templates from family and previous relationship - well done you for getting counselling. Maybe it's the therapy that is stirring things up - Something has made you notice the imbalance of power and now you know, you can't "go back to sleep". Well done you. Pursue that feeling, confront him and discuss it all. With some firmer boundaries and higher expectations, you will give him the chance to be a better man.

OP - are you sure he only has £2500 left a month? I know that is loads but if he earns 50% more than you, £75k, then his take home should be over £4K a month. He only gives you £500 for everything house/food-related so where is the other £1k?

I just described your situation to my DH, inc the bit where he drives a new car and complains about not being able to afford an expensive item (a watch, by any chance?) while you can only just afford your household-related expenses and he said, “I hate him already”. It does seem very unfair and not really in the spirit of a marriage but we split everything and I know that doesn’t suit everyone.

Your house is not automatically his upon marriage. He would need to claim it as part of divorce. As you have four dependant children and he is a high earner with minimal contribution (arguably he’s just paying bills not mortgage) no judge would award him half.

As for your will, if you ask him to pay half the outgoings (so £1200 not £500) it’s reasonable that he should get half the house eventually if you die but I think your children should have a legal right to live there until they are, say 25, whereupon you DH should have to sell up and give them their half or buy them out. They could use that money for a deposit on their own house. I think any lump sum should go to your children, personally.

You mention a policy that will pay off the mortgage for him if you die. Does he have a policy that would pay off the mortgage for you? If not, you should consider this.

Do you really not think he’d look after you if you were ill and couldn’t work? This alone would be grounds for divorce for me, sickness and health and all...He knew he was marrying a woman with four dependant children. And I’m assuming (maybe wrongly) that he proposed to you. He wasn’t tricked. Out of interest, Do your children like him? How old is he?

He sounds quite selfish and immature. However, you have also said you have issues with being a team as far as money is concerned. It’s possible we’ve got him completely wrong and if he knew you were struggling he’s be horrified. How do you think he’d react?

Well they're not just "someone else's children" are they? They're also his WIFE'S children ffs.
So yes, of course he should be paying - they should split all regular day to day costs. And their actual father should be paying towards their specific costs (school stuff, trips, presents etc).

it's a genuinely delicate, tricky, one rather than a straightforward reasonable/unreasonable.

you really, really should have had the conversation earlier but that's not much use to you now. yeah, i don't know really.

My husband is the step dad of my two kids aged 12 and 19. He pays for them. We put everything in one pot.

We discussed this prior to marriage by the way!

So he is basically a housemate?
I can't imagine taking someone else's children on and not wanting to pay for their up keep. It would go without saying.
Why do you think the benefits system takes it into consideration? It's called being a family!
This is more to do with morals and him living a single life under a family roof.

Besides, if you were to split would he take half the property? If so he bloody well should pay half!

When DP & I married my DTs were 5yo.
Their father has never paid any maintenance for them and stopped seeing them when they were 3 yo. If they walked past him in the street they wouldn't know him.

DP & I share all finances & costs irrespective of if it's DTs or DS & DD (our children together). We had long discussions about this and all aspects of living together and family life before we got married, in my case it was once bitten, twice shy. I wanted to be very clear about expectations on both sides, identify different approaches and talk through them. DP was a bit taken back by it all at first but knowing my past understood why having total clarity was so important.

So most people wouldn't be quite as detailed as I was but why didn't you discuss this before you got married?

I think you have a DH problem. I’m the higher earner and can’t imagine sitting on my cash, not contributing to the step kids. Your DH will effectively inherit a house from you (for his lifetime) - at the very least he should be contributing more to that cost.

YANBU!
As far as I’m concerned he married you - he should have assumed he was also taking on your children as well! I can’t believe he would sit there with an abundance of money at the end of every month and watch you struggle! Don’t married couples share everything?!
I think it’s an odd set up and should be much more equal!

For the love of god why didn't you discuss this prior to getting married?

Can you not protect what you brought into the marriage in case you die first and that would be your children's inheritance?

Yes with marriage he is entitled to half the house so thats why I haven't bothered remortgaging.

Nooooooooo! That is totally wrong. He is NOT entitled to half the house. Have you changed the deeds to give him half, but kept the mortgage liability yourself?

He earns £100k - you don't need to leave him the house to live in. That should all go to your kids. None to him. Your life insurance pays the mortgage off, then what. The kids live with their father and he stays in a five bedroom house?

Take some financial advice urgently. For the record I think as he chose to marry you, he chose the kids too and certainly should be taking on a lot more financially. Maybe not shoe shopping, but a bigger share of bills definitely.

Haven’t read the thread, only OP.

No, he’s not the children’s father, he shouldn’t pay for them. The children’s parents should pay for them.

I’m a DSM to 2. Happy to pay for half the costs of the home we live in, running it, food etc. Actually I earn more than their dad, so I pay 10% more.

But I don’t pay his child maintenance. Upto him and their mum to support.

I’ve not read the whole thread

I do think that your wages and his wages are family money, and as such everything should be split equally, and that includes looking after and paying for the dc. If he didn’t want this then he should have thought of this before getting involved with someone who has dc. At the end if the month, after the bills, uniforms, childcare, holidays, entertainment etc has been accounted for, then the rest is split 50/50 between you and your dh to spend on luxuries and nice to haves.

However I do think it maybe a case if shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted in this case.

If you’ve not already had the conversation, I’d approach it in respect of pooling finances, as I’ve said above, rather than ‘he needs to pay for your dc’

Good luck OP, I think you may need it

My children were DS (14), DD (13), DD (10) when I met my husband. He moved in and got all his salary paid into my account (now our joint account) he earned double my salary at that point. But there was no question he wasn't going to help to raise them including financially. As it turns out, as he relocated back to UK to be with us he was made redundant within a few months, by then we had married then we had our DS (now 4) and he became a SAHD for a year so I was the sole earner. As he started a brand new career from the bottom rung. with promotions and a buy out in my Company I now earn nearly double this current salary, although he has a structured pay scale to get back up there. All of this has made us absolutely support each other and whoever earns more or less is not important just that we are both working to support each other and all 4 DC.

Should have said so YANBU

I've no idea if something like this is possible but if this was how he wanted to be...

I'd want to remortgage the house jointly and take out all my equity. Split that evenly into trusts for my kids' uni/ deposits/ first cars and start a fresh. Your new 50% would go to your kids when you die and his to whoever he pleases. (Presuming you are young enough to take on a new mortgage and you have a reasonable amount of equity built up.) All bills should be split evenly. Kids or no kids you'd still be paying council tax, WiFi, Insurances, TV etc etc!! He's petty if he's going to moan about their water and electricity usage

You need to be strong and broach the conversation OP. There's no way would I want to be with a man earning 45k a year who thought it was fair to contribute a measly £500 a month to his family. You're either in a marriage or you're not!

I'd also be chasing your ex, £25 a week for 4 kids is a disgrace.

With regards to my will, I’m in a v similar situation as you, spookily so. I’ve done something v similar, in that if I die, my dh gets a lump sum to pay off the mortgage and give him some money left over, and to stay in the house as long as he wants with my dc, even if he remarried. However if he leaves or dies, the house sale goes into a trust fund for my dc. My dc also get a lump sum each on my death which goes into a trust fund until they are at a certain age.

The difference is that me and my dh pool our finances and everything is taken from this pot, inc childcare etc and the remaining is split 50/50.

I can’t believe that he’s only paying you £500 a month, in his shoes I’d be embarrassed at leaving you with so little as a result, you’ve swapped one form of financial abuse and stepped into something else very similar. Is he really that petty that you are paying more in bills to cover your dc using utilities ffs! He should be paying more than half the mortgage and bills by 50% as he earns 50% more than you.... as the poster above said ‘you’re either married or your not’

He earns £100k.... frightenedrabbits