AIBU to ask new husband to contribute to child related costs for children that are not his?

[Clockworkteacup]

Just that really. Married last year. Four children now aged 8, 9, 11, 13 from first marriage. Ex husband pays too little maintenance - £100 per month as is self employed.

For context, we both earn good money, although he earns very good money at 50% more than me. I was able to support the children without him before with no tax credits etc but it was a struggle as was paying out a lot of childcare and big mortgage. But I was fortunate to be able to own our own home, pay the bills etc, even though not much left over. This isn't about being 'poor' and I recognise how lucky I am to be able to rely just on my own income.

AIBU to expect him to pay any of the child related costs? What do you think is a fair way to split the bills?

At the moment I am paying for half of what 'we' cost and all of what the children cost. So I pay around two thirds of our house related outgoings e.g. mortgage etc as need a house for five. I also then pay for all childcare (at £800 a month), all their clothes uniform, their lunches, trips, birthday presents and so on. He does split big costs like holidays and meals out 50-50.

This means I am ending up watching the pennies at the end of the month whilst he has around £2500 more than me after house stuff is paid. He drives a new car whilst I drive one that is 12 years old. I was triggered to write this by him complaining about not being able to afford something very expensive (and nice but certainly not a necessary cost) whilst I am worrying this month about the bills.

But they are not his children.

And their father evades paying much for them.

And we both saved about a similar amount by him moving in, in terms of housing costs (mortgage, utilities, council tax).

Backstory - I have major money issues through paying for everything for cocklodger ex husband and have a father who didn't work, and a brother who seems to live off high earning women so am skewed (and anxious) around men and money.

All the costs, including mortgage & childcare bills are family expenditure. You are a family so, of course, some of his money should be used towards childcare.

You need to sit down and talk about this; the situation sounds crackers to me.. What about setting up a joint account, with the monthly total expenses paid from this and the account funded by you both, but proportionately according to salary.

He can't move into your house, with you and his 4 stepchildren and not expect to act as a full part of the family.

• a resident step child

@Clockworkteacup from what you written, I take it that you pay 2/3 of the mortgage and bills? So does that mean you have a 2/3 equity claim on the house if you were to divorce?

He owns half the house. He should pay for half. I believe it would be fair for him to pay half of household bills.

You've said you buy all the children's presents? Does he not contribute to this? I find it very odd, that he's married you but not taken on his step child as family members

Surely you should 50:50 split the domestic costs (mortgage, council tax, bills, food shopping) as he lives there too doesn't he and it's not like the DC can pay, so surely the two earning adults split it?

Days out/family activities I'd expect to split 50:50 if he attends, you pay if it's just you and DC.

In your shoes I would probably pay for things like childcare, school uniform, trips etc myself.

He married you knowing you had DC, you come as a package and I can't get my head around people who don't see it like that tbh.

How did you agree the £500 OP? I'm only asking because perhaps he thinks you're completely happy with the situation as you're now £500 better off than you were before. DH and I when we first moved in together agreed that he would give me £xx per month as the house was in my name....Similar to you I was then that much better off, and he was paying less than when he lived on his own. That carried on into our marriage and it took a few years for us to get into more of a joint money situation, and even now we keep separate bank accounts even though we pretty much share money. He has a DC and I have never contributed towards maintenance or anything major, and I won't in the future. I give money towards presents, pay for treats and days out occasionally etc but that's it.

Rambling on a bit, but I think what I'm getting to is that depending on how you agreed the £500 perhaps he has no idea that you might need extra / want to function more as a family unit. Do you think he's just a bit clueless or deliberately keeping 'his' money to himself? If you've always been independent he might think you prefer it this way. If you haven't spoken about it you have no idea that he might just say 'dammit never thought of that how shall we do it going forward?'

I'm trying to imagine having £2.500 surplus each month and whining that I couldn't afford something - what is it, a Lamborghini?

Not sure if he should contribute to your kids. However, surely he should pay 50% of the mortgage and bills. He's still getting a nice deal.
Also, if you're having kids with him, your kids could feel like the poor relations if he only takes care of "his" kid financially. Maybe iron out the issues before you have kids together x x

Why should it be 50/50 on joint costs when he earns 50% more than Op? I thought that normally something fair is sorted out, recognising that the high earner can contribute more. I wish you'd sorted this out before marriage, maybe have a good think before having children with him. If he was a decent man he wouldn't sit and watch you struggle when he's got a spare £2,500 every month. However it was worked out, he wouldn't let that happen.

Can I ask what other people have done for wills if they have remarried and children are involved?

Ex-DP and I weren't married, he had DSS, I had no DC.

We bought our house as tenant in common, 50% shares, but I paid for half with cash, he needed a mortgage. The mortgage was in joint names but we had a deed of trust saying he would always pay it (I know, legally, they could come after me if he didn't but I was comfortable with that risk). So, that was taken out of the equation.

He paid his ex-w maintenance but DSS was with us 100% of the time by the time we split up, and about 80% of the time up til then (we lived together 3 years or so).

Other than mortgage, household bills and living costs were 50/50. Even though we had a bigger house due to the DSS than we would have had just the two of us. Even though DSS used water/fuel and ate food etc.

We pooled enough resources to pay all household costs, plus some set aside for holidays and some set aside for savings generally. Ex paid £100pm extra to cover the cost of his DS. It didn't cover it, considering holidays etc, but was a token to show he knew I wasn't responsible.

On holidays we usually started with a 50/50 cost share but then he might do something like pay for all the fuel (work fuel card anyway). One time we went away with my sister and I paid for it. For example.

He paid all other child expenses such as trips, clubs, clothes etc.

Re wills - I left my half of the house to him and he left his half to me, no life interest. I made him take out life insurance equal to the then mortgage (which was about £80k) just so I didn't end up paying the mortgage when he died.
He left £20k to his DS and 50/50 each to DS and me of anything after that, plus 50/50 of his life insurances.

Had he died with this arrangement, I would have made sure DSS got more, especially from the value of the house. I know that's easy to say, but since ex and I split, I have rewritten my will and DSS is still included in it (ex is not!).

I left all my life insurances (work, pensions etc) to him, until my sister got divorced, then I changed them to be 50/50 him and my sister - not, of course, it's just my sister.

I'm a saver and self-employed and go periods of not working, I never didn't pay my own way but also not once did ex offer to support me in any way at all, despite being a pretty high earner (C£70k+) - and yet, he often said he had run out of money, whereas I never did (I earned less when I was working, c£60k, but taking account of the gaps, less).

It is really tricky with second families. My dad took on my mum who already had my sister and I can't imagine for a minute he made my mum pay all my sister's costs. Though my sister is excluded from the wills I gather!

I don't think you can pick and choose which bits of family you want to buy into and which bits you don't.

He's paying almost like a lodger would but with the benefit of inheriting as well in the event of your death.

If he's not paying into the children then it seems very unfair on them that he gets to walk away with any part of what would otherwise be their inheritance.

@YourHandInMyHand
When we moved in we split the bills and food 50/50 despite my having a wifi, electric and food guzzling teen. I pay all the car costs and vet bills (both car and dog were mine, DP now refers to both as ours) I am on a very low wage as DS has sen and this limits my work options, and moving in I lost my working tax credits (still get some child tax credits due to DS's disability) and housing benefit, both of which were a big help. DP got a better paying job recently and my child tax credits went down. If he carries on also doing lots of overtime like he is at the minute they will go down even further, his gain being my loss. hmm too like the op haven't known how to broach it. I'm used to sorting finances myself and hate the idea of having to ask him to step up more with his new job affecting the child tax credits. I'm also perhaps needing to reassess my expectations due to a lifetime of them being low. (Also have a background of waster men with ex and dad).We rent and moved into a new bigger house together as DP felt neither of our old houses were big enough, so more rent to pay, no single person council tax discount, costs more to heat, etc. He too now has much more disposable income than me, though not to the extent of the OP's situation. I am now on an extremely tight purse string and worrying about money while he is happily buying takeaways and heading down the pub etc

I really don't understand that. Does he know what your financial situation is? does he buy takeaways for himself but not for you and your son? I can't imagine swanning off to the pub if my partner couldn't afford it? of course if your money is going down there needs to be a conversation, it is his fault directly because it is assumed he will be helping you.

If you are going to ask anyone for money it should be their father.

What is the point in a marriage if you are scrambling for pennies and he has £2500 spare cash?
Quite.

I dont think this will end well...

DP got a better paying job recently and my child tax credits went down. If he carries on also doing lots of overtime like he is at the minute they will go down even further, his gain being my loss

Ok so our DC is shared but I told DH when he had a payrise that MY money aka tax credits would drop! I pay my share of the bills out of this as I don't work. I said he needed to give me more money. He asked how much.
Tell him and his reaction will tell you everything

On the current thread about child maintenance, it is amazing how many posters get no maintenance at all from their children’s fathers.

If you are going to ask anyone for money it should be their father.
But he isn't even paying half of a house he joint owns

I think a poster who said he will also benefit from family life has a good point.

This isn't always the case. Blood is blood and I've seen many people with useless dads who still love them and put them above their stepdad every time.

You read about how much stepmums do for their SC .. yet in some cases aren't invited to the wedding even.

The number of times a SC will say "You can't yell me what to do. You're not my dad/mum"

Is this the sort of benefit he'll be getting?

OP... the reason I mentioned University..is that sone SP do not financially support the child and it's caused issues when they get a lower loan amount based on the SPs income.

In one case I recall the SD saying.."I've got my own kids in Uni...I'm not paying for your DS" to his wife.

The poor lad ends up getting the lower loan amount and his mum struggling.

With second marriages a lot of thought needs to go into it from the financial side.

Inheritance causes issues as well.
It's quite a challenge trying to balance things.

Why don't you meet in the middle and compromise? So split house costs 50/50 including food bill but you retain childcare and clothes costs?
I get wanting to keep your financial independence but others are right you came as a package not an opt in for one option I doubt he complains about living in a bigger house!

Myself and DH still have separate bank accounts but pay in to our joint equally in relation to salary (I earn more so more goes in but the percentage equivalent is the same).
Could you not examine monthly outgoings and suggest similar?

If it was a newish relationship then I wouldn’t expect him to contribute but if you are married and the children are living mainly with you then I would expect money and expenses to be shared more equally between the two of you.

My partner has a son, I earn more than him. He pays the maintenance to his ex but I contribute happily towards clothes, holidays, birthday presents, decorating his bedroom etc. as to me it is now “our money” and “our family” not “my money” and “his son”. If he was struggling financially I would gladly take on more of the bills and household expenses as well.

Well in case this all goes wrong, thank you. I've had some very helpful comments. I do at least need to try to get the EXH to pay up more but he's one of those 'clever' self employed accounts show very little ones.

50- 50 on household costs would be him contributing around £1200 a month (all in, contingency included).

So £700 more than now. Sure he'd scrape by on £1800 a month play money

You earn good money and can provide for your kids yourself. It would be nice if he helped you a bit but absolutely not 50/50

Like 25/75 He has taken on 4 kids which have a dad . As a previously single person with a v good income he shouldnt have to rein in his spending by a lot either !

OP... this thread may be of interest to you.

://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3353239-inheritance-and-stepchildren

No one seems to have said that if you divorce in say 20 years then he could still be entitled to a share of your house anyway. I think he is having his cake and eating it. I would not be happy with this arrangement.